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Don't know where I stand

[Deleted User]

I've been wanting to get thoughts/insight on a situation I've found myself in with an acquaintance. Sorry it's a bit of a scroller. None of you are expected to read the whole thing. I have ASD and often experience trouble navigating social situations, especially with new people. I also often miss body language and subtle social queues. It causes a lot of stress when I meet new people, and I take a long time to get used to their mannerisms. Such is the situation with a relative newcomer to our social circle.

Firstly, I haven't known this guy for very long - 6 months at most. So I'm only just about learning how he works/interacts. He was brought into an online group by a mutual friend and at least in text, I thought we got along really well. We have very similar senses of humor and tastes. I suspect he may be untreated ADHD for various reasons but not sure if that's relevant to what I'm about to explain.

Problems arise when we're NOT just messaging. In group calls, etc, he will hardly ever talk to me directly. He'll usually respond if I say something to him, but not seek to engage me. The ONLY exception seems to be the few occasions where we found ourselves alone (either as teammates on a game or just waiting for everyone). Once again, when he actually tries I feel like we get along super well. I worry that maybe he's just being polite and pretending to be interested in what I'm saying? Again, I can't pick up if that IS the situation. He's a very sociable person and doesn't seem to have a hard time talking to anyone - he made quick friends with everyone - , so I guess it's possible him just being nice could seem like genuine friendliness, right?

It gets even worse when we're physically in each other's presence. Remember me saying he has no problems chatting to other people^^? If I actually think about the one or two times I've tried to talk to him face-to-face. It's impossible. He won't even look me in the eye. It usually starts off with me saying something, him acting like he's suddenly noticed I'm there. He's not loud or embarrassing about it, just looks at me wide-eyed like I gave him a fright. Maybe I'm just below his eyeline coz he'll then duck down and let me repeat whatever I said into his ear. Followed by a quick. "Heh. Right." And then walks away or talks to someone else. I feel like we never really get the chance to relate even though I try, and he doesn't approach me at all.

So maybe he's just distracted by the other people around? I thought so. Except the other day we found ourselves suddenly in each other's presence: I had stupidly left an ASOS package at my office and was complaining about it in the group chat. He mentioned my office was near his gym. I joked I'd give him a bottle of Baileys I got as an unwanted XMas present if he got it for me. He agreed. I told him there was no need as I could get it another day. He insisted. Free Baileys for the delivery and all.

He showed up at my house after the gym with the package, seemed cheerful enough to see me. I tried to make small talk with him...but he was immediately distracted by the dog. I quickly gave up and tried to give him the bottle, but he wouldn't take it. Said I was literally on his way home and he couldn't accept the payment. Walked away before I could argue. I went back inside, feeling guilty that I'd made him pick up the package for nothing, and texted him that his actions were appreciated, thank you, but completely unnecessary.

His exact response: "NAH that was too much for me to ask. You'll buy me a drink next time we see each other. Night!"

So I'm not in the clear, right? I still need to buy him a drink next time? It wasn't a gesture of friendship? Idk I guess as soon as I think we're becoming friendly, he acts... dismissive? Distant? I don't know how to describe it exactly.

I guess I'm confused as to why he doesn't seem to have any trouble getting along with anyone else. Then there just seems to be this sudden chill or offish nature when it comes to me. Clearly not meant, but I sense it. Could be he just doesn't like me, I know.

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YellowLead

It sounds like you are obsessing waaaaaay to much over this.

He’s just some acquaintance you mainly interact with as part of a group online and occasionally see in person? Is there a need to know where you stand or get closer?

Do you fancy him or something???

zoobizoo

Hey OP, I wouldn't read his response dismissive, more that he is being casual.

He did you a favour collecting your package which was a nice gesture and one for which a bottle of Baileys would be too much to accept. So that would show that he's a decent guy.

As for him not looking you in the eye, he could be shy in a more personal setting.

Buy him that drink next time you see him.

Dial Hard

Yeah, I don't understand the issue either. Is it that you fancy him and aren't sure whether he likes you back? Or are you actually asking whether you owe him a drink or not???

[Deleted User]

It's just that we're part of a small group (just 10 of us), and we talk all the time, so when someone disengages as soon as you start speaking, it's pretty noticeable and I don't know how to proceed.

Like I said; group chats and 1-1 calls we get along great. It's just when we're speaking as a group either online or in person that he acts this way. I don't understand how our interactions don't translate to a group setting. He's very casual/friendly with everyone else, so it's easy to feel left out. Plus for some reason he has no problem being in my space/looming over me so it's not like we're in different corners of the room or anything.

Not to mention him then going out of his way to do something doesn't match the rest of the behaviour.

My initial instinct is to ask him if there's a problem but I don't want to appear confrontational or embarrass him equally.

Dial Hard

Yeah, you're completely overthinking this. His behaviour sounds perfectly normal to me.

YellowLead

I don’t know, in a group of 10 it’s natural that you won’t be close to everybody, typically with a group of that size there will be some people less close than others. It doesn’t sound like he’s being actively rude - he just doesn’t click with you as well as the others and that’s just life, I’m not sure why it’s so important to you? As another poster said, the baileys was way over the top for a simple favor. Maybe he’s picked up that you are intense/fancy him and wants to keep a distance so as not to encourage you?

[Deleted User]

Well it's not exactly a nice feeling being left out like that but I guess if he's not fond of me he has his own way of dealing with that. I guess if it gets worse/persists I can always try to ask him.

I've not done anything to him/try to be friendly and that's the best I can do.

Faith

You've not answered the question of whether you fancy him, OP, despite it being asked multiple times. The answer to that would be very relevant to the advice you're asking for. If you fancy him, then yes, maybe he's not in to you in return and keeps a distance to avoid you getting mistaken about his feelings. Or maybe he fancies you but doesn't think you like him back so he gets awkward around you.

If it's just a friendship issue, you might be coming across a bit too intense. Sometimes in group settings, some people can try and focus on a single person and have a 1:1 conversation with that person, while the other person wants to be joining in with the larger group conversations.

Also, re him saying to buy him a drink, that's a very typical Irish way of waving off someone's efforts to thank you for something. It's not an instruction that you owe him a drink now in a checks and balances way, it's just him saying "Don't worry about it".

TheadoreT

Looking back at your old posts this seems like an odd pattern in your life. You single out a guy in a group that you clearly like, become obsessed and hypersensitive to his every action and for some reason then think they've some agenda against you. Its pretty bizarre. You even started dating one at the end of one the threads like a decade ago.

You need to grow up OP, to be still carrying on like that now is very immature.

[Deleted User]

As far as fancying him is concerned I haven't thought about it. One of our friends mentioned he might actually be interested in me but I'm not convinced given the above.

also Theodore its funny you mentioned that because in most of those scenarios there WAS something else going on. maybe i should trust my gut.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206454#Comment_120206454

Why would you need to think about it? Either you fancy him or you don’t surely.

Do you have much interaction with people in general outside online groups? Do you suffer with sunny social anxieties? It’s not usual for somebody to be obsessed with whether people like them or not, unless indeed they fancy them.

[Deleted User]

I'm not the type of person to just fancy someone or not. I would need to know them better.

As far as human interaction is concerned, like mentioned I'm on the autism spectrum so have trouble navigating social situations. hence occasionally needing feedback

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206529#Comment_120206529

Ah okay thanks for sharing - that makes sense and gives context.

Fair enough on the needing to know them better to know of you fancy them - it just seemed like you did know them to the same degree them not interacting with you disturbed you. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, there’s no need for everybody in a group to like everybody else equally. Maybe when more time passes can get to know each other more, but it’s not worth stressing about.

looksee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206529#Comment_120206529

The whole 'fancying someone' thing doesn't depend on knowing them. You fancy them so you try to get to know them. You may then decide you don't find them as appealing as you first thought and abandon the exercise, or get to know them better. Either way there is no guarantee that they will fancy you, regardless of what you decide. When two people fancy each-other and then find they have things in common, then it may become a relationship.

This person has no obligation to you to be more responsive to you, generally in a group there will be a few who get on with everyone and some that have particular friends in the group. No-one in a group expects full on attention/interest/reaction from every other person in the group, but you can still get on and enjoy each other's company. Being over-intense about relationships within a group is a good way of ultimately breaking up the group, or at least annoying everyone else.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206454#Comment_120206454

Your gut about what? A random person you don't know very well is blase about you? Who cares? Unless you do care for a reason. So then be honest with yourself about that reason and act like an adult. Or otherwise stop obsessing over nothing.

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raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120206580#Comment_120206580

Have you read the OP at all? She has ASD and struggles in social situations. Give her a break.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120207063#Comment_120207063

I did and she doesn't need you patronising her.

I was just pointing out an unhealthy pattern that when she gets a crush on a guy in a new group her hypersensitivey to all his actions or non actions is extreme. Obviously this is heightened due to her condition but irregardless after 10 years this needs to be addressed.

Big Bag of Chips

@TheadoreT you are posting in Personal Issues, to a poster who has come looking for advice. Your posts are unnecessarily aggressive and attacking. You have been asked to amend your posting style in the past.

There are many ways of imparting advice. In Personal Issues we ask posters to take the civil, well-phrased approach.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, he might be a bit awkward himself. In a group, where the focus isn't solely on him he might be fine. In one-on-one situations where there are little other distractions he might struggle.

I am a fairly sociable, chatty sort of person. Get on well with most people. But sometimes, with some people, I find myself in an awkward situation where conversation just seems really awkward, strained or difficult. That's completely normal. I think you need to stop focusing so much on "where you stand" and just go with the flow. You are in a group together, and get on well within the group. One-on-one situations are a bit awkward so try not to end up in that situation too often. We can't possibly gel with everyone. Over time friendships can develop, but it can take a long time if there's an awkwardness there. And sometimes that awkwardness never shifts.