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Am I overreacting, partner chose impromptu night out rather than spend time with me after 5 day tr

Rose27588

My partner was abroad for a five day work trip and just got back late Friday night. He watched football on Saturday, we took the dogs for a walk then he decided to go on a last minute night out with his friends to watch football. I said I didn’t think it was very nice as we hadn’t seen each other all week. He said he hasn’t seen his friends in ages ( not really true, he was at his friends house last week and he’s planned to go away to watch a football match, an abroad stag party and a concert all in the next few months ) I never discourage him from spending time with his friends but I felt it would have been nice to want to spend time with me after not seeing me.

He texted me at 7 saying he was coming home but stayed out for hours after. I ended up last minute joining my friends dads birthday anyway but I didn’t think it was nice either to say he was coming home and not bother and stay out and get drunk.

We have had a few arguments recently about him staying up late at home drinking at least once a week, his drunken snoring really disturbs my sleep and recently he’s vomited all over the bed and pissed the bathroom floor after heavy drinking. I’ve been really exasperated by this and told him it’s really selfish to keep me awake when he knows I have a stressful job where I need to be focussed (pharmacist) it happens again and again and he promises it will stop but it doesn’t.

I know there are two separate issues here but I feel like the resentment building up makes me get irritated more easily. Other than this he is a thoughtful, supportive, loyal partner and a good man. Am I being selfish / overreacting?

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Kurooi

You're correct there are two different issues there, and I wouldn't skip over that part with a but.

He's going out with friends, watches football, gets drinks - good. Normal behaviour, and even after his trip abroad. As a partner you should tolerate and respect that, and so long as he makes time for you as well (but not every day) that's cool. He should have his own time, friends.
Fact he vomited over the bed and pissed the bathroom floor - not good. Not normal. It's going to happen to many of us throughout the lifetime but you can certainly expect him to at least keep it easy on the drinks for a while drink a few 0%s on his night out. Nobody wants to be the bore of the relationship but nobody wants to mop piss and puke either. I can't imagine this is exactly 'fun' for him either.

And that means for me, it's hard to say if you are overreacting or not. You seem at least somewhat supportive of him having friends, and drink stops being fun when the partner can't handle it. He owes you some respect.

YellowLead

How long have you been together and how long have you lived together?

I see from another thread that this time last year you were devastated and not coping over the break up of a long term where you both owned a house together and were due to wed. Did you get back with this guy, or is this somebody new you got together with and moved in with in the space of a year?

I agree with above poster - him having his own friends and socialising with them is good. Him vomiting and pissing on the floor - not good (i assume you are both not 18 since you are working).

I suspect that because of the vomiting and pissing and waking you up, you are more intolerant of him going out for a few drinks / match with friends than you might otherwise be.

I wouldn’t like it in a partner if they were getting that drink they were vomiting and pissing like that, so it’s up to you if you are willing to tolerate this. At the moment he has no incentive to change because you are still living with him/ being his partner. Sometimes tough love might be the wake up call he needs.

Rose27588

Yellow lead I did not get back with my ex, this is a new relationship.

He moved into my place a few months ago, it made sense as we were spending most evenings together. He has a great big heart and I know he loves me very much and I love him also. I had thought about asking him to move back with his mother if the drinking persisted, I also grew up with an alcoholic and pretty useless father so I’m definitely more cautious with this. I am hesitant to make ultimatums at this point because I don’t want to follow through with a break up at this stage but I am definitely in observation mode. We had a conversation recently where I said his weeknight drinking staying up alone is a huge issue for me and not something I will put up with so it’s got to change, also that we had a similar conversation the previous week and he ruined another nights sleep when I was working, he said it wouldn’t happen again, I expressed I struggle to believe him as it happened a week ago. He responded with the only way to show me now is actions not words.

I guess I felt abandoned when he wanted to go out with his mates cos I’d missed him and was hoping to spend the weekend with him and today was a write off cos of the hangover so we couldn’t do anything. I’m 34 and he’s 32 btw

YellowLead

It sounds like he’s not mature enough to move in with you. He knows his behaviour is making you unhappy and I don’t think it’s an ultimatum really to say to him look I love us living together, but your drinking is disturbing me because of the vomit/piss/noise etc and if it’s going to work you need to make some changes. If you don’t want to make those changes, living together isn’t going to work and we can go back to just seeing each other and see how that goes.

I hope he is paying rent by the way. Otherwise he might see this move as a nice way to get out of his mothers place, she might not have been thrilled with his behaviour either.

spakman

Yeah, you have to be very clear the midweek drinking on his own has to stop - a man in his 30s puking in bed is not in any way normal or acceptable behaviour.

If it happens again, you should do as threatened and ask him to go back to his mother's.

Going for a night out with his friends seems a much smaller issue tbh.

squidgainz

"planned to go away to watch a football match, an abroad stag party and a concert all in the next few months ) ". Woah 3 full events of his in the next few months. What an inconsiderate chap. Have you no events without him or? The piss and vomiting , was that one incident or two seperate? How many incidents has there been of extreme drunkness in the time you've known him. It's possible yous are just at different stages of wanting a quieter lifestyle.

appledrop

I'm sorry but I don't think this is going to end well.

His behaviour is totally and utterly unacceptable for someone in their 30s.

I'm not saying pucking all over the bed and pissing on floor is acceptable at any age but you know people in late teens or early 20s are finding their way and often as Irish people they have to work out what there alcohol threshold really is. It shouldn't be that way but is for a lot of people here.

At that age a lot of people are settling down and not out partying with friends all the time. Sounds like all he cares about is drinking. Nothing wrong with meeting friends but naturally at this age people start settling down and more time goes into a relationship, having a family etc.

He sounds like a selfish guy who only cares about himself and I'd say doesnt pay you a penny in rent.

Get out now while you can, your seen what it's like growing up in household with an alcoholic, you don't want history repeating itself.

[Deleted User]

Do you think he might have or be on the way to developing a serious drink problem? It won’t end well if he’s on a trajectory to definite alcoholism. If he’s getting addicted to alcohol he will prioritise that over you, and if football or the lads means ready access to getting “excusably” drunk he will pursue that. If it’s just an immature bad habit where he has to learn to divide his time between you and his friends it can be remedied with negotiation.

Rose27588

In response to your sarcasm, I was illustrating the point the he has an active social life and plans events with his family and friends often, as do I.

The heavy drinking at home alone has been increasingly frequent, recently typically once a week he’ll stay up after I’ve gone to bed. It coincided with him landing a tough job last year where he was stressed and subsequently was let go. He got a new job recently which he is thrilled with but it hasn’t improved. Initially I thought it was an admittedly unhealthy coping mechanism for work stress but that is no longer an issue I’ve no empathy especially that he continued to drink and the snoring gets so much worse. It’s like he doesn’t care that I sometimes barely get 3 hours sleep cos he continues to do it

squidgainz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120113955#Comment_120113955

"He sounds like a selfish guy who only cares about himself and I'd say doesnt pay you a penny in rent". You could be right but I've no idea how you've been given enough information to come to that conclusion.

Packrat

Hmm, there's a few things going on here.

Here are my thoughts/experiences:

First,-I have worked away from my wife and two kids a LOT over the last 10 years.

When returning I've occasionally been guilty of just going straight to the pub because (in my reasoning) everyone is in bed anyway and it's nice to unwind with my own neighbours and people I know after listening to Americans shyte and people I don't know for a week or ten days.

Then it's family without interruption for whatever number of days I'm off.

I think that's reasonable.

My wife doesn't but she tolerates a little bit of it, like we all tolerate stuff from partners.

She can drink plenty herself on occasion, - with or without me present. No other issues over it.

Pissing on the floor - (and I mean missing/hitting the toilet, not pissing in a different area) - well that happens every man drink or not, but most of us clean it up after ourselves - I can't even bear to step on spilled water in socks not to mind piss.

Vomiting on the bed should be a once in a lifetime event if at all. Not everyone is blessed with a total non-return valve but the shame of doing that should prevent repeat.

One staying downstairs drinking a lot at home isn't generally a healthy sign of any relationship. It can be a habit of people who were single a long time, and Covid made it worse for many.

Some years ago when I then 34 was trying to settle down with a woman of 28 or so I drank hardly at all and she a fair bit but only weekends.

We lived 5 hours apart but one drove to the other every weekend bar one for 2.5 years.

I had little interest in going out till 3 in the morning every Sat night and she did, complete with about 3 to 4 hours getting ready. Sunday was often a total write off because she'd be sick/watching TV on the couch until shortly before it was time for one of us to hit the road again. It drove me to leave her in the end. Maddening doesn't cover it.

All that was wrong in retrospect was that whilst we both wanted the same things - marriage, kids etc, - I was further down the road towards it than she. Had I hung in there a little longer I think she would have copped on a little and it would have been fine.

I'm now happily married to someone else as is she I believe.

Drink in a couple is an odd thing - if you do it together it can be great fun, but when there's a disparity it can lead to all sorts of resentment.

Do you drink yourself OP?

squidgainz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120113984#Comment_120113984

Fair enough on the first part , I thought originally 3 events over months is sweet feck all but I get it was a general description about his social life , apologies from me. I don't know it's a strange one , vomiting in the bedroom after drinking on your own is not normal at all. Possibly you have resentment from some of these alone drinking sessions and that's why the night out annoyed you.

[Deleted User]

It sounds to me like the honeymoon phase of your relationship is well and truly over.

It's true what they say, "if you want to know me, come and live with me."

You have to decide now, if you can live with him.

Larbre34

You're not overreacting, this lad needs to cop on to life in a serious fashion.

He is being very basically disrespectful and thoughtless, not to mention the reckless behaviour.

Whatever you feel like doing about that, I would say is entirely justified.

Tork

OP I remember your older threads and what a nasty piece of work your ex was. In January of last year, you posted here, telling us how lonely you were without him. You were clearly still very hung up on him and it's a minor miracle you didn't get back with him again. Yet here you are just a year later in a different mess. Are you sure your reasons for rushing into a relationship with your current partner are valid? Or did hooking up with someone new and moving him into your house 5 minutes later drown out the noise from your break-up? Maybe this new guy isn't abusive like your ex was but is he really that much of an improvement?

You are right to be concerned about his drinking habits. This isn't somebody who loses the run of themselves occasionally and overdoes things. He seems to be a consistently heavy drinker. And now that he has moved out of his mammy's house and in with you, he doesn't have to bother trying to behave any more. Even though you're annoyed at him preferring to spend time with his friends rather than with you, I see it as him choosing to spend time with them so he can drink alcohol.

Even though you're not willing to issue ultimatums or send him packing to mammy's at the moment, it's time to stop indulging him. I bet it was you who cleaned up the piss on the floor and the puke on the bed? Let him clean up his own messes from now on. And if he starts snoring when you're trying to get sleep, send him off to sleep in the spare room. He has gotten too comfortable in your house, perhaps as a consequence of moving in 5 minutes after you got together. It's all very convenient for him.

TheadoreT

That's a seriously quick timeline from where you were at this point last year.

Also sounds like you're way more into it than he is and he's enjoying the handy living situation(assume he's getting a lot cheaper than he would elsewhere).

Was he sleeping when he vomited in the bedroom? Either way to be that out of it to not even make it to the toilet is massively concerning and dangerous for him.

I assume at your age if you want kids you'll be thinking about it sooner than later. If he's showing you who he is after a few months living together, imagine what he'd be like as a father with added pressure.

I see this one ending badly for you, as I can tell his behaviour of putting friends and drink ahead of you is making you more insecure and obsessional instead of you actually seeing it for what it is, and acting on that.

Big Bag of Chips

If I were you I'd ask him to move out. Your ex used you, and abused you. This fella is also using you. You have a house so it's very easy for these lads to move in with you and have a handy life. Almost a bachelor life but with a gf cleaning up after them.

Asking him to move out doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship. If it does then you know he was more interested in your house than you.

You put up with years of your ex treating you badly. Of you telling him what you wouldn't stand for anymore, and him continuing to do it, and you continuing to tell him what you wouldn't stand for, and him continuing to do it etc.

This fella has a drink problem and a very cheap roof over his head. He's not going to stop. So when he doesn't, and he continues to destroy your mattress and your home, what are you going to do? How many last chances is he going to get?

I think you should be single for a while. And spend time working on yourself to figure it why you end up in these messes. This lad is unlikely to make the changes you need. If pissing on the floor and puking in his sleep isn't enough to make him realise he needs to make severe changes then this is what he is. Ask him to move out. Unless you see this as your life for the next 50 years.

theteal

I fully expected this to be an early 20s thread. Mid-30s? Nah, not happening. You know the answer OP, you're just looking for this thread to back you up....which it will in abundance.

fizzypish

Hi OP,

I'm in my mid 30's and been with my wife for over a decade at this stage. I think most men who get into LTR's, regardless of age need to learn that quality time with your partner is important. In your specific case, your partner going for a night out with his friends after being away for 5 days should at least have been a conversation. At this stage in my relationship, I could see that being problematic if I didn't have it pre planned. I had to learn to communicate my plans to my partner in advance and work out a compromise. I couldn't just piss off and do what I want all the time. I'd have been totally capable of this in my 20's but I would not view it as acceptable now without at least having a chat about it.

Regarding the drinking/getting sick, IMO, early 20's its par for the course in our culture unfortunately, mid to late 20's should be lessening a lot, early 30's much less acceptable and after that its 100% a problem. Once a year is too much.

Its a funny country regarding drinking even reading my own response above. Realistically, getting blind drunk at any age on a regular basis is bad and if you keep it up as you age it points to a lack of maturity at best and at worst a genuine problem... at least in my case.

TheadoreT

Yeah you especially notice how weird Ireland is with drink when you've been living abroad for a while. Just a serious amount of alcoholics somewhere along the functional spectrum.

Listen we all let loose on occasion but you surely get to the point of maturity where you stop crossing the lines your boyfriend is OP. And if you can't control it which he doesn't seem to be able to he has a problem.

There'll be many women out there who ignored these early indicators that they're setting themselves up for a life of misery with an addict. And now they're stuck with a mortgage and kids and things have only got worse. People rarely change, especially if he's still at it in his 30's.

Furze99

Sounds like the drink has got under his skin and he needs it at the moment. If so, that's a bad sign and you know yourself is only likely to get worse. So kinda moment of choice coming up for him and you. Work related or not, he just has to get control of that and apart from cutting out the weekly binge, needs to have other days with no drink. If he can't cope with that, then no drink at all. Everything else really depends on this. Terrible scourge the drink when it gets into people, the ruination of many a person's health and relationships. A bit is grand but overdoing it is deadly.

Cyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058279809/am-i-overreacting-partner-chose-impromptu-night-out-rather-than-spend-time-with-me-after-5-day-tr

no offence to anyone, as im sure someone will along to say its perfecty normal, but anyone staying up alone to drink at home, who texts to say they are coming home and arrive back hours later and vomiting in bed in their 30s is probably already an alcoholic or nearly there.

Goodigal

Anyone who piddles on my floor or puked in my bed (even once), well that would be a deal breaker in terms of living with them. He's only just moved in, he should be on his best behaviour for a long time, not sitting up lone drinking midweek and disturbing you when you need to sleep. I wouldn't tell you to end the relationship, but that he moves out and you decide if you still want to date him.

If I was away for almost a week with work, I would definitely prioritise my partner over my friends when I got back. He didn't do this, and you feel almost bad for wanting that. It sounds to me that you're accepting second best from him, but you shouldn't. At this early stage, he should be dying to get home and spend quality time with you. He is disrespecting you and your home. You need to decide how long you give him to do so.

Girl Geraldine

Only a matter of time before he turns into a full blown alcoholic.

This "change" business is just crap. People don't change. Well, not much anyway. They might put their bad behaviours into cold storage for a time, but ultimately it will return from time to time.

Youare setting yourself up for trouble here.

imho, it's over. Dump him and move on.

rolling boh

Don't think you are overreacting at all his carry on is a huge red flag he's far too old for that and is showing no respect for you . Doubt this will end well for you .

Rose27588

I appreciate all of the feedback thanks all. The piece about him going out being more about an excuse to get sloshed makes sense. He was single for a while before we met so that also makes sense he’s fallen into a bad habit. He does pay me rent and he does contribute to the upkeep of the house.

Because he is a good person and his heart in in the right place it’s very difficult for me to think of throwing in the towel but we’ve had a few conversations about his alcohol habits and he promised to change but it’s as though he can’t commit to actually changing which is very frustrating cos he’s a kind and thoughtful person

Cyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120114772#Comment_120114772

most alcoholics are good people, but that isnt much good to to the people around them.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120114772#Comment_120114772

You can be a good person and a bad partner at the same time.

When you say his heart is in the right place, what exactly do you mean? From your posts you say hes no considering you with midweek drinking and disturbing you, saying hes coming home at a certain time but not, Going out after a week away etc. This doesnt sound like his heart is in the right place, it sounds incredibly selfish and disrespectful.

Thats before the obvious drink issues even come into play.

TheadoreT

Being sound and being a lost cause aren't mutually exclusive. But I'd also question his soundness based on what you've said, drink isn't an excuse to disrespect you.

He's shown you who he is and the chances of a sustained change is very low. Now its your choice to decide what you want out of life. The chances that this is a destructive path to continue along are very high.

It's pretty typical though, your love for him is growing through the things he's withholding rather than what he's doing for you. When he's choosing friends and drink over you you're questioning are you enough ect. Women with low self worth attraction typically grow in these cases, instead of heeding red flags, you want what's difficult to obtain.

I'm not sure you gave yourself enough time to get over your previous relationship and build yourself back up and here you are now doubting clear issues and making excuses for being treated like a doormat.

Rose27588

This is all true. What I mean was he’s caring, he’ll cook me dinner every day after work, does nice things for me but you’re right it doesn’t excuse the inconsiderate behaviours. It needs to change now