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Finding it hard to function Heart broken

heartbreak

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read.

My ex finished with me 6 months ago and as time has gone on i have slowly got worse, I am mid 30s and she was mid 20s,it was a 10 month relationship.

It's my fault it ended to give a bit of background, at the beginning of the relationship (when we were first seeing each other) she got a message one night at 2.30 from a married guy from her job (she told me they kissed in work before),she also had a pic up on her Instagram in her stories with a guy she knew, she said he never stops txting her and i asked was she with him before,she said " yeah i slept with him a few times". One time we had a row and didn't talk for a day and when we got back talking she told me she had downloaded tinder because she thought we were finished but said she didn't txt anyone on it.

There was a few other things too at the start but i should have never brought any of it back up, which i did during the relationship, not all the time but i did at times, it was insecure on my part.In the end it i pushed it too much and she walked away, i was devastated i have to say .A week before we broke up she told me she couldn't wait to we have kids together etc and that i was the best boyfriend in the world etc. She was back on dating app 5 weeks after we broke up.

The guilt knowing how childish i was bringing stuff back up and that i lost a great girl is killing me. I have my own business, my own place and people tell me i'm a good looking guy.My confidence is on the floor,i feel like i messed up the best thing that happened to me.i have been going to therapy every week but the last 4 weeks i have really gone into a tough place mentally.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks

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heartbreak

First of all I just want to say thanks to everybody who left a comment.

A lot of these comments got me through a bad day yesterday.

In fairness to her she did reassure me a lot and she always said "you're all I want " and "if we ever broke up I would never get over you" etc and a poster above is right,she was coming home to me.

I met her on tinder just for context, we slept together from the first date on wards,you are all right in saying we are just not compatible,so it started probaly more like a fling.

In therapy sessions he keeps going back to that our Insecurities sparked each others and it would of never lasted.

I keep thinking (not that it's any of my business) that she will meet a secure guy who won't bring up this stuff and I have missed out.My family (mam and dad got on great with her) and her family really liked me too.

But I am taking onboard what was said by posters above,I'm looking back on the relationship with rose tinted glasses and it was just never going to work.

I am going to keep going to therapy and get a handle on my own self esteem,confidence etc because at the moment it's on the floor.

YellowLead

OP there are further red flags revealed here. She told you she’d never get over you if you broke up? That’s weird. That smacks of somebody who hasn’t got a handle on life or themselves and maybe is a wee bit unstable. It’s ridiculous to make such claims and promises 10 months in. If somebody said that to me I’d be running a mile.

Dont hinge your self esteem on this relationship. There will be others - don’t wallow any longer, look after yourself and when you are ready imagine having a stable loving relationship - the longer you wallow, the further away that will be.

TheadoreT

Chalk it up to experience and don't make the same mistakes next time OP.

She was clearly massively into it at the beginning to sleep with you on a first date. But then all your weaknesses you displayed gradually led her to where you ended.

Would you pander/pedestalise people like her in the business you own? I see the strongest people in work life absolutely fall apart in a relationship with a good looking woman. She was likely initially very into how much you have your life together, and natural confidence that brings with it. But as you admit yourself your confidence is on the floor now which is the polar opposite to the person she invested in, so can you blame her? You changed.

JoChervil

OP, words mean nothing. Only actions count. She could have reassured you with words but they were all lies, so such reassurances didn't work. See how she acted opposite and as a result undermined you:

she stayed in touch with her exes (especially with a married guy from work)
she signed back to Tinder after a quarrel and it is a real threat from a person, who sleeps with others on the first night (with her pretty face she was very likely a night away from cheating on you). And she told you about it to punish you and keep you insecure.

Don't regret this relationship. It was toxic. Your self esteem and confidence are on the floor because of her actions. You are better off without her and after a therapy, you will find a girl, who will be much better for you.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120064116#Comment_120064116

This. I call it "love paid in advance".

She told you :"A week before we broke up she told me she couldn't wait to we have kids together etc and that i was the best boyfriend in the world etc", "you're all I want " and "if we ever broke up I would never get over you". Have they turned true? So they were lies and she got your love in return for this empty talking. Next time don't believe so easily in what people say, only believe in what people do.

heartbreak

Hitting me with gems here.

Very true !

vinniem

Sorry to hear about your experience, she has done a right number on you. But I can tell you from experience that you will get over this, it will make you a stronger person and you won't be so easily misled again. You seem like a good person. You will meet the right woman for you and you will be so happy and never look back! Chin up💪

oldfriend213sf

I'm actually seeing a lot of me pre-therapy in you OP and it's very frustrating! There were more red flags from this woman than a Chinese communist parade and you just bent yourself like a pretzel to try to make it work at any cost because she was attractive / there was chemistry, whatever.

Someone could've told me these things when I was being actively love-bombed or destroyed by a highly charismatic but massively toxic man a few years ago and I would've nodded my head and continued in the brain-washed trance of thinking I'd never meet someone like them again and this was my only shot at love etc. Not a notion of doing what was needed for myself because the red flags weren't registering as red flags and I was translating them as "chemistry" or "he needs me" or "I can change him" or "I need to prove to him that I'm worthy" or any number of false beliefs I had programmed into my brain.

So all I can say is continue with the therapy and maybe bring up the issue of letting a woman that clearly had different priorities and wasn't willing to treat you with respect to have unbridled access to you and power to rip you apart. You need better boundaries than that, but you need self-knowledge and self-confidence to build those boundaries in the first place. Also worth considering if mid-20s women are the best target market for you if what you want is stability and commitment. I can tell you as a former mid-20s not bad looking woman that life was transient, relationships were stop-start and I hadn't a notion of what I wanted or what was good for me and that was reflected in my dating life.

heartbreak

Thanks for the responses really appreciate it.

We were just not right for each,two of us have work to do.

Tork

OP, have you had many girlfriends in recent years? I'm getting some desperation vibes from your posts and wonder if the stage of life you're at played any part in this. You're in your mid-thirties and all around you, your peers are settling down and starting families. Did you see this woman as your last chance saloon by any chance? While you've noted that you have insecurities, the behaviour of your ex should've pushed you into dumping her months ago. Instead, she was the one who pulled the plug. She doesn't sound like a "great girl" at all and nobody reading this thinks you have lost the love of your life. You had a lucky escape. When somebody tells you who they are, you should listen. You didn't.

TheadoreT

She may well have been great though. The need to always tear down the other half in these threads to console the OP isn't helpful to him owning his behaviours.

If this was written from her perspective it reads something like "guy I was mad about at the start turned into a jealous, obsessive potentially controlling boyfriend who I don't feel fully safe around." And everyone would be telling her to run a mile.

I don't think any of her actions were particularly out of the normal, its literally what all women with waning interest do, they test for strength. Which he clearly failed and probably persued her harder and got deeper into his obsessional behaviours until she literally had zero attraction left and was ready to move on almost right away.

heartbreak

I do agree with this to some extent I have to say.

I wouldn't say obssessional,there was times even towards the end if I didn't txt her for a good few hours,she would get insecure saying I hadn't txt her for hours (I would be busy with work),I think we rubbed of on each other the wrong way.

But I can see your point of view definitely.

TheadoreT

I dont think you were effecting her emotions at all by the end tbh, which is why she moved on so quick. She'd have respected you a lot more if you literally never text her at all during work unless it was something urgent. Over-texting is an anticipation killer anyway. She was just testing to see if she can have her way with you.

It's pretty easy to deflect that sort of nagging by just telling her later on something like "you love hearing from her but you were too busy to reply, tell me everything about your day now". But most guys will react badly and do something weak like apologising or get annoyed.

JoChervil

"Treat them mean to keep them keen" works only in immature relationships.

OP, don't go that route. Build your natural authority and respect coming from it through therapy, not through calculated artificial means.

oldfriend213sf

How is someone jealous and controlling for responding badly to the person they're dating lapping up male attention and downloading dating apps every time they have a disagreement?

Strong disagree to all that, also this notion that women "test for strength", it's the gauge of someone extremely immature and lacking integrity if their way of dealing with losing interest in someone is to ramp up with other guys and flaunt that in said guy's face.

Honestly, all of this is school yard antics. Lots of women are hot and don't need to entertain every man's attention to feel good about themselves. It's called boundaries and self respect, not to mention respect for your partner. If anyone is making you feel "less than" in a relationship and like you have to fight to keep their attention / interest - man or woman - run, don't walk. Otherwise you're in for a life of drama, insecurity and headfcuk.

heartbreak

When we were first dating,basically it was just sleeping with each other from the first date onwards,I think she was trying to make me a bit jealous at the start for me to commit more because she said she never knew were she stood with me,which is true and I feel guilty about.

I am working on myself now and looking back it just wasn't meant to be from the get go.

It's definitely a lesson learnt and it has affected me a lot,I work in IT,so I work from home,I find it hard to meet new people etc I think that's making it harder.

All her friends are single so I know it's easier for her to move on.

I am beating myself up every day about the whole thing but I've taken on board all the comments here and realised it's not "the one"

Thanks for all the replys

Hannibal_Smith

At the end of the day OP, no one can tell you what her thinking is or was and you're just going to wreck your own head trying to guess it. No one can tell you she was testing for strength or otherwise because they don't know her from Adam.

You need to stop beating yourself up about it. And it's great that you're continuing to work with the counsellor that's exactly the right step. You will get passed this.

heartbreak

Thanks Hannibal

pgj2015

If you met a stunner soon after you broke up, would you miss your ex as much? I don't think so, I remember last year I fell in love with someone I thought was just a friend, when she wasn't around for a few weeks I copped that I liked her as more than a friend. She was actually toxic but you cant help when you fall for someone. anyway I met a little stunner through work around the time I was depressed over my friend and I was very quickly over her.

Now im not saying its all about looks because its not and im surprised you still are so hung up on looks in your 30s, im 30s as well.

im on the dating apps at the moment, never used to use them but I joined lately just for the craic and its great in general, some headers on it but some great women as well.

screamer

There are always 2 sides to every story, but OP pickup the pieces, your heart will heal. Next time look for someone who is an equals don’t put them up on a pedestal, and take things slowly. Sleeping together on a first date for me would be a big no no, take time to get to know them before you trust them with your heart.

RoboRat

Not dissimilar from a relationship I had. She was very good-looking and she knew it. She got plenty of attention and she sought that attention. I wasn't sure if it was to make me jealous, or just the way she was, but I held my tongue and didn't react. She then upped the ante and started with barbed comments to try and make me react. I'm fairly laid back and I was confident, but there is only so much that someone can take before they get under your skin. It felt like she wanted to erode my confidence and push me down and I wasn't entertaining that... she was madly in love one day, just plain mad the next.

I kept looking back at our first year together and it was fantastic - we were so good together. I stayed with her hoping to rekindle that, but it never happened. After around 2 years, I had enough, and the barbed comments had turned into public insults that even her friends were embarrassed about. I made a decision to finish it for good - we had broken up a few times, but she always came back and apologised. I knew I needed a clean break so I moved away.

That was probably the hardest decision I had to make in my life as I genuinely loved her. I was heartbroken but you move on and time heals. I ended up meeting and marrying my wife a few years later, and she is so much better than my ex was. Last I heard, she married and divorced and was getting married again. She wasn't right for me and whilst it was tough at the time, I'm happy I left.

heartbreak

I have to be honest,my ex said these things just at the very start of knowing each other (seeing each other) when we were in the relationship she would never mention other blokes or try make me jealous in fairness,she was the opposite and most of our rows were me being insecure about things she said at the start and didn't let go.

That's where the huge regret comes in but I'm taking in what previous posters are saying about married men etc.

heartbreak

Yeah I do get hung up on looks I won't lie,I did

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120069803#Comment_120069803

If she was a stunner and we had a great laugh then honest answer would be probably no I wouldn't miss my ex.

I agree,I do get hung up on looks,it's something I'm trying to work on,I went on 3 dates with one girl recently and In my head i was comparing her to the ex and It's not fair on the other person.

I am holding off dating just for the moment.

I need to get the head straight.

pgj2015

You still think you lost someone great but I don't think you did, yes you acted in a way you probably shouldn't have BUT the result was a good thing. she is trouble. once you see that you will move on.

road_high

I don’t like to judge people but anyone involved knowningly and repeatedly with a married person scores pretty low on the moral compass for me. That is not the behavior of a potentially great partner

RoboRat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120071475#Comment_120071475

Absolutely agree, especially if there are kids around. You need a very low moral compass to do that (both parties).

JoChervil

OP, you are practically saying now that you had a perfect relationship and you ruined it for no reason.

My ex finished with me 6 months ago and as time has gone on i have slowly got worse

No wonder you are getting worse, if with each day only on this thread she is getting more and more ideal in your eyes.

For you own sake you need to see reality. Your relationship wasn't perfect. You had rows. After one of them she threatened you to leave or cheat on you (tinder thing). It was a moment to leave because it got on a slippery slope since then, and it was only a question of time, when it would manifest. And it was the biggest threat someone can make in a relationship but you somehow decided to overlook it.

Do you really regret the relationship with such a threat hanging constantly above your head?

I think she was trying to make me a bit jealous at the start for me to commit more because she said she never knew were she stood with me, which is true and I feel guilty about.

So she was making you feel insecure because she wanted you to commit, instead of giving you time and making you feel secure enough to do it. She slept with you on the first night, she told you about her easy behaviour with other guys, stayed in touch with them, taking their texts even at night and revealing her low moral compass. And you feel guilty about needing time to trust her? She wanted something from you, which she didn't deserve at that stage. Trust is something, which is earned in time. And with trust comes commitment. You had a full right to be cautious and do it in your own time. No one has a right to use threatening behaviour to coerce you to do things you are not ready to do yet.

Would you really like this life for yourself: being threatened or dumped whenever, she would like something from you, which you were not ready to give her yet? And no, secure guy wouldn't change this dynamic. Secure guy wouldn't allow her for any threats and he would leave her if she kept trying. It is her, who needs to change and become a reliable person. And it was not your fault that you found it hard to trust her.

You need to see a real her to move on. She was pretty outside but not so pretty inside. You need to see the whole package. So next time, when you meet a girl with less pretty face but with much prettier heart, you will see the whole person in her and the whole beauty in her.

heartbreak

Very well put Jo

Airyfairy12

From what you said you had every right to feel insecure! If youre in a relationship with someone you genuinly like, respect and care about, you dont text previous sexual partners and married people you kissed before, you would do nothing to harm the relationship or prevent it from progressing. Its a good thing youre in therapy, you could use that time to develop your self esteem and learn to trust your gut when things feel off. As bad as you feel now, it will get better, all feelings and situations change eventually, go with the flow and learn and grow from this.

heartbreak

Thanks for the reply Airy Fairy.