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Sister in Law keeps bringing up my ex

The Minister for Hardship

I'm in my late 30s, male, and had a messy breakup with a long term girlfriend 1 year ago.

My sister in sees her in work about once a month. I generally get along well with my sister in law. However a month after we broke up the sis in law tells me the ex has a new boyfriend. Then she tells me about 3 months after the breakup the ex is engaged. Then 6 mts ago tells me the ex had a lovely wedding. A week ago she told me she was pregnant. I end up saying nothing really and I'm sure looking a bit awkward.

I don't want to know anything about my ex's life! Why does she keep bringing her up? It still brings back unpleasant memories, and she knew the ex did a lot of nasty things, like dumping over the phone, stealing money, cheating etc.

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notAMember

Try saying to her that you don’t want to hear it.

LilacNails

Bit the bullet and tell her next time...'look Im not really interested in whats happening in her life, Id rather not hear about it....' and if u have to say it a 2nd time, Say it...it mught feel uncomfortable ut sometimes u just have to say things that need to be said.

MarkR

Just tell her you've moved on, and you're happy she has too, but you're not really interested in updates.

HildaOgdenx

As others have said, it seems quite straightforward to sort this, just say I am not interested in hearing about her, thanks.

skallywag

Do you think that she is telling you all this just in a chatty type of gossipy way, or could it be more that she is just a bitch and wants to get at you? If you think it may be the latter then I would be very swiftly cutting her off completely. Some people are just made like this for some reason.

Donald Trump

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. That would be my response if the sister in law keeps bringing it up if I were you. If she is doing it to annoy you, it might shut her up.

The Minister for Hardship

Thanks for the replies. I have to say it again.

When I heard she got engaged from her I said he was a very unlucky man back to her. That the ex was a very nasty, manipulative person. I thought she'd get the hint after that.

So the updates do feel like a bit of a dig at me.

As you all say I may tell her again.

The Minister for Hardship

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120046129#Comment_120046129

I think she's saying it to gauge my reaction. And it does appear she's trying to provoke a reaction.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120046363#Comment_120046363

If that's that you said, it looks like you need to be much more direct with her. Some people just don't take hints and hopefully that's what's going on here. Next time she mentions her, cut her off on midstream and tell her firmly that you are not interested. Make it clear that you do not want to hear any more updates. Hopefully that'll sort it. If not, that's another issue altogether.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120046363#Comment_120046363

The updates should be a form of vindication that you're better off without her and dodged a bullet.

That timelime of events with the new guy feels very rushed and like she just wanted to have a kid with anyone due to her age. Can only see that ending badly but that guy is unfortunately now tied to her for life whereas you're only getting the occasional update about her turbulent life, count yourself lucky.

But yeah just be more assertive with your sister in law that it's annoying you. It's such an obvious solution that it would make you think you've issues with communication or conflict if you came her for the blatantly obvious advise.

The Minister for Hardship

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120046932#Comment_120046932

Yeah I'm too nice. I thought the sis in law would get it when I said I had no interest in hearing the first time.

She gives these updates out of context and I seem to get caught on the hop.

micar

She was quick....married and pregnant in a year

The Minister for Hardship

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120046996#Comment_120046996

Yes as Theadore T said seriously rushed.

Rowley Birkin QC

I had a bad breakup and disconnected completely from my ex. When people would start to say "Oh I see X is doing...." I would cut them off and say I have no interest in hearing the rest of the sentence. Works fairly rapidly.

joeguevara

There are a couple of things at play here. First and foremost, although your ex may have done things in the past that hurt, she is not the issue.

Secondly, if your sister in law is acting in a way that causes you hurt, you should stop being in her company. She is not your friend or family so although you may be in events etc that she is present, you don’t have to be in situations where she is able to bring up things that hurt you.

Thirdly, your wife should have your back. If it’s a continuous issue she should lay down the law and if it doesn’t stop either she doesn’t come or you don’t.

Apologies, my post is based on the SIL being wife’s sister but based on other posts it could be brother’s wife. Either way my advice is the same.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058277476/sister-in-law-keeps-bringing-up-my-ex

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! tell her you ve moved on, and dont want to hear about it!

893bet

The goal is to get your sis in law to shut up without making a deal\scene I think. Any kind of a big deal about it and you come out the worst of it for no cause of your own.

How close are you to your brother? Possible to mention to him to have a sly word with her that talk of the ex is not appropriate anymore?

Give her the benefit of the bout that perhaps she is being stupid and not vindictive ?

Hannibal_Smith

You get on well with the sister in law apart from this. Why do you think her comments are a dig at you, if you get on well otherwise? In the grand scheme of things she's mentioned the girl 4 times to you in a year. She's not talking about her everytime you see her and it's passing on fairly massive life events.

That's not to say she's right of course, just a bit of perspective. She should respect your wishes and have a bit of tact, so just be firm with her and say I've told you before that I've moved on and have no interest in what X is up to and you should move on from it too - we've been broken up a year now stop being so interested in her.

The Minister for Hardship

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120048793#Comment_120048793

I'll be ready to say I've no interest in hearing about my ex's life next time she mentions anything.

I'm close to my brother, might have a word too.

Thanks everyone.

Count Dracula

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120046129#Comment_120046129

This, massively.

Don't entertain your brother's wife anymore.

Highly likely she is very manipulative, if she cared about you or your feelings she wouldn't be at you with the updates. She most likely either dislikes you or gets a buzz out of wrecking heads.

Dump your sister in law, she sounds rough as.

cuttingtimber22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058277476/sister-in-law-keeps-bringing-up-my-ex

I would say it to your brother - sensitive issue and would prefer not to know what is happening in your ex’s life - let him do the dirty work.

I must say I was intrigued about her ‘dumping over the phone’ though. That could have multiple meanings!

elperello

Quiet one to one chat with SIL should do the trick.

Falling out with family can lead to long term heartache, try to avoid it at all costs.

Count Dracula

I would avoid any 1 to 1's with someone who is already blatantly manipulating you, like to your face and in your face?

She has already disrespected you enough.

Try lying to her about how you feel, she will cop you have her immediately. Never be straight and honest with someone who is not being straightforward or honest with you. You deserve better.

You don't have to be dramatic when dumping shítstirrers, let them cop on themselves that you have their number, it will sink in that bit deeper. She has been having a laugh at your misfortune, you simply do not need chunts like that in your life. Your brother will be delighted, she has been stirring him up for years and he can do little about it.

AyeGer

Completely ignore any mention of your ex and change the subject straight away.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120051370#Comment_120051370

Or, y'know, he could just say it to her.

Airyfairy12

If it means anything, the ex, from what youve said here, sounds like a very toxic and manipulative person, its likely she's manipulative around your sister in law too who might be on her side as a result of this. It might be worth considering the red flags you overlooked or missed, what lead you to miss them and learn how to spot them in the future. As for the sister in law, have you considered communicating how you feel? Have you thought of telling her not to bring up your ex as you dont want to hear about her and how her life is going?

I think you need to go to therapy and figure out how you can be more assertive & communicate effectively.

spaceHopper

Is she married to your brother, tell them to have a word and tell her to stop bringing it up. You're done with her and simply don't want to hear about her anymore. She's not even friends with her, they just work in the same place sometimes

elperello

Better to sort it out with her yourself.

Putting the brother on the spot and expecting him to tell her what to do might lead to more trouble.

Furze99

Some people, often women, are just gossipy - they love a bit of old gossip and news. Quite likely that's how she looks at it and just doesn't think when she's gossiping with you. Hardly vindictive or ill meaning if you get on well enough with her normally.

So either look blank or don't respond, change the subject if/ when she brings it up. And be careful too with stuff that you'd prefer not to be spread about - some people just can't be trusted. They can be perfectly decent and sound normally but can't help themselves when it comes to tittle tattle :)

Brid Hegarty

@Furze99 So either look blank or don't respond, change the subject if/ when she brings it up.

That's kinda what he's been doing and she's not taking the hint. Whether it's deliberate by her or not, she still needs to be told it's inappropriate.