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Not struggling but still have feelings of lost

beaniefan

Hi All,

it is almost a year since I was ghosted by my ex and when I reached out to her, I was accused of lying and being untrustworthy. We had been dating for under a year, it was going great, no major fall outs or anything. Both of us in our 30's, met online. She was single for over 2 years when we met, her previous relationship had not ended well, cheating, house purchase, messy discussions over sale.

towards the end, she started to question me about my movements when we weren't together, checking up on me abit too. I didn't read too much into it at the time but did pull her up on it and we had a frank and open conversation and I felt afterwards we were in a much better place. unfortunately, within weeks it all went to shite, and I ended up being made feel crap and being accused of being a cheat and a liar.

Naturally I wanted to talk to her as I had really strong feelings for her and felt it was going in the right direction. Met some friends of hers as she did mine, all went great.

Unfortunately, she did not feel the same and blocked me and told me to leave her alone that she was done with men and my type.

So here I am a year later almost, I have done my best to move on with life, have tried dating again but no luck thus far. It is hard to get the self confidence back. I have spoken to friends and counsellor at times, because I know it's good to talk it out and understand why I am feeling crap about it all.

Why I am posting is every now and then I catch myself hoping she would get in touch and that I feel it was a missed opportunity for both of us to be happy together.

Is this normal?

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Big Bag of Chips

She's the common denominator in these 2 breakups. Her friends will have heard her version and will be on her side. It doesn't mean what they say is a fair representation of what happened. It just means it's what she told them.

Can you imagine what they'll be telling her next bf about you?

This woman is not capable of a stable relationship. She seeks out drama and conflict. Even if she came back to you, apologised, said she was wrong and would like to give it another go, I can guarantee it would not be a relaxed, happy, easy relationship. You would be more guarded. You would be wary of doing anything to upset her or that she might perceive as "wrong". You would have to adjust yourself to suit her.

This relationship didn't work out. You weren't compatible. There are women out there better suited to you, who will be more relaxed, easy going and not carrying the baggage she is. Its normal to feel like there's unfinished business because of how she ended it. But take that as a sign that life with her would always be unpredictable, not in a fun way!! You would be exhausted trying to stay within her ever moving goal posts.

TheadoreT

Usually when OP's say "things were going great" its fairly dubious under scrutiny. Happy people don't end relationships.

You were doing a lot of chasing at the end by the sounds when she was acting unreasonably towards you. That's never going to get you respect. If that neediness translated to other areas of the relationship its probably how you ended up in that position. That behaviour tends to snowball if you're that people pleaser type being treated increasingly poorly, and respect dwindles away, to the point where she wasn't even bothered ending things properly.

Most people are inherently selfish, they'll treat you well when they respect you or see you as a catch, and less so when they've waining interest or no respect. So wouldn't put this as a "its just her" issue, you need to take accountability for your actions. You'll see this low interest cropping up in dates/future relationship if you don't address your behaviour.

Don't attach yourself to the "nice guy" image too strongly. Some guys think "ah she's been in lots of bad relationships, so I'm going to be the one who treats her right". It's doesn't work like that, the reality is the **** ones were probably keeping her attraction levels rasied higher than you. Im not saying to treat women badly but don't lose a sense of who you are to appease others, women sense the try hard nice guy a mile off.

JoChervil

OP, it doesn't matter what happened. The only thing which matters is how she treated you, how she ended things. As one of pps said it's an abuse and I am afraid you are asking for more.

Forget about her. Would you like ever again experience this? And this would very likely be repeated, if you both got back together, so really save yourself all this pain. If someone was so cruel to me I would run and be happy that they are no longer in my life.

The ugliest criminals have a right in court to state their case and being heard (and all other involved qestioned) before being sentenced. You deserve much much better, don't accept such treatment from anyone.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119910060#Comment_119910060

You can't assume that it was the truth, or at the very least, severely edited is all I'm saying. For example she could have cheated 10 times, and then he finally gives up on the relationship and cheats once, and it's all his fault.

yourdeadwright

Sounds like she just didn't want to go out with you anymore, & used your non-existent behaviour as the excuses

You'll also find a lot of the time if one p[partner suddenly become paranoid about where you are or what you are doing its because they are up to something & living on there nerves ,

Also makes sense to why she has completely ghosted you because if she remained friends you'd probably find out,

Nothing to be ashamed of it happens, Forget about it and move on ,

NiceFella

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119910100#Comment_119910100

She sounds like a muppet tbh. Not showing up to a dinner arrangement to ghost you? To maximize the hurt. Come on man, that's a write off. Move forward. As mentioned earlier, she had a massive break up before that you only heard her side of the story.

Now this is just me talking but,

I've heard of certain narcissistic types that go in these ghosting relationship cycles were they quickly engage with a new victim before tearing their heart out. Apparently some very attractive people with deep narcissistic tendencies have been known to do this. I watched a YouTube clip of a chap explaining his experience (can't find it now) how this "gorgeous girl" just came up to him one night out of the blue and was infatuated by him. Never happened to him before. He did think it was very odd but he wasn't questioning it at the time. Then he went on a whirl wind fleeting relationship with this one for a year. Then Bang!! Nothing. He said his whole world turned upside down and seriously fecked him up for a long time until he found others talking about these ghost "types".

When you think about it, it's really quite an abusive thing to do especially after some time. I'd rank that just below physical abuse in a relationship. If you are connected with someone and they all of sudden pull the plug, it's kinda like a death of sorts. Awful behavior

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119910145#Comment_119910145

Part of me wondered while reading that was whether she actually broke up with the ex...did they get back together?

Anyway whatever happened, that's a fairly horrible way for her to have ended it. She wasn't over the ex and wasn't ready for another relationship. That's her issue.

I think it's okay and fairly natural to wonder, but just balance it with a realistic look at the relationship and the manner in which it ended.

discoinferno

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119910145#Comment_119910145

OK I see. I thought it was a break up or disagreement/accusation and ghosting. Sounds like there’s something bigger than you going on there and it could be taking a toll on her stress levels and mental health? That is huge. Dealing with an ex and house etc….

Fairplay for following through and trying to sort things out and support her. Complete opposite to my ex anyway. I think in this case you can definitely sum up that this is a “her” problem. Sounds like the ex and whatever he did had a terrible impact on her and if she ever gets over this ex and her trust issues, she will realise the error she has made with you and what she has lost. But I wouldn’t live in hope that she will come to her senses any time soon. I would certainly continue dating and move on. If you came across her again, be kind.

Im sorry this happened OP. But it’s not you, it’s her.

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119909863#Comment_119909863

Hi, you are right in your first sentence.

It wasn't difficult per say, more challenging when trying to understand where she is and what she wants. I probably sacrificed my own feelings a little too easily because I liked her. they do say love is blind afterall

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119909856#Comment_119909856

Hi, thanks for the kind words, appreciated.

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119909513#Comment_119909513

She was meant to come over for dinner, she didn't show up nor answered her phone or text. I thought she may have forgotten or fallen asleep so didnt thing anything was wrong. Next day there was radio silence, I went over to her place one morning and she blanked me, kept on walking and when I asked her what's going on, she told me that she doesn't trust me that she has had enough of men like me and to leave her alone. I left her alone, hoping she would cool down and try approach again but when I asked her few days later could we talk, she blocked my number.

In the weeks prior, she was having issues with ex over the house and few other things and one night we were out for a walk she just broke down and told me what has going on. then quickly apologised for telling me about it.

I had thought that maybe the fact I was the opposite to her ex that that's why she ended it, she's not ready to be vulnerable, but I dont know. As I said, second and third guessing is tough and tiring.

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119908126#Comment_119908126

Hi, I genuinely did nothing wrong, thats what knocked my confidence. I have tried second guessing everything I did / didn't do and it was driving me mad and was very tiring.

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119908074#Comment_119908074

Hi, thanks for replying.

I am working on my confidence, I guess because I have never been in this situation before it threw me and then the abruptness of it hurt alot.

On the daydreaming, it's not every day thankfully, just more occasionally but it is happening less and less.

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119907949#Comment_119907949

Hi, thanks for the kind words. Will keep plugging along :)

beaniefan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119907664#Comment_119907664

Hi, her side and also what her friends briefly mentioned too. Naively I thought with her telling me this that it was leading to trust building.

Hannibal_Smith

I think the manner in which it happened is probably the issue OP. If you've been ghosted and all communication dropped in one swoop, that has to be fairly hard to move on from. Of course she'll cross you're mind every now and again. But at least it's just that - every now and again.

If you think about it it must have been a pretty difficult relationship for you both, with one party second guessing and the other party having to face constant questions. When you're wondering what kind of a future and whether its a missed opportunity for you both, just remember the truth of what it was like, how you both tried to improve the situation but it always ended back at the same argument.

Jequ0n

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, and I think you know yourself that the same issues would persist if were to reconnect and have another go.

Don’t let other posters project their bitterness and insecurities onto you. You say you did not cheat or treat her badly, so remind yourself that her behaviour towards you (and her inability to vocalise her insecurities) was the reason why this relationship was doomed.

Don’t let the disgruntled lot try to convince you that you were at fault because it suits their agenda.

discoinferno

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119908126#Comment_119908126

**edit- long winded**

OP Ive edited my post because I think I answered with emotion about my own situation and @Jequ0n actually has a point about other posters bitterness.That is my situation I posted about, not yours. I don’t know you or your ex. My now ex pushed me to my limits, especially before we broke up. Lying and disrespect etc you don’t need the ins and outs. But I’ll keep my point to the fact: We don’t dump our BF for “no reason”. No one breaks up with their OH for no good reason. I feel this is true.

But as @Jequ0n said below, if you say you treated her well and hand on heart - didn’t do anything out of the way etc - then of course it goes without saying - no you are not the problem and that’s her stuff to deal with, not yours.

Ghosting seems a bit harsh. Are you sure you were ghosted? Was it a case that you both cut contact initially to move on and no one has budged or made a move to re connect? I blocked my ex on social media because I just couldn’t deal with seeing him online - I’m trying to move on post break up. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him or not want to see or hear from him if he needs to talk about things? If he rang me or wanted to meet and chat, I would of course meet him. I did reach out to him but he cut me off so I get how you feel. In my opinion; ghosting and cutting people off is immature and juvenile after a serious relationship.

Surely you know where she lives? Would you not call to her ? Or would you reach out through a mutual friend?

NiceFella

If you genuinely were doing nothing wrong or obtuse then she sounds very unreasonable, paranoid even. If this is the case, you won't like the look of her after a few years.

However, if their are aspects of your own behavior that might have lead to distrust then you might need to correct them.

A friend of mine was dumped recently with very little reasoning given after a year relationship. He (30s) was out every weekend without fail drinking until all hours with his mates. He turns around to me and says he doesn't know what happened. Not a clue he had. She was prob up the wall thinking he was making a mistake on a night out. (Prob was)

You gave no detail about these movements she referred to so hard to say what is going on.

YellowLead

You shouldn’t let this knock your confidence OP - it sounds like she ended things because she didn’t trust you and while that might not be nice at least it was more to do with her issues than choosing somebody else over you.

Dont be disheartened because you have been dating and no luck so far - most people can’t just hop from one relationship to the next, especially once we get older - finding the right person as opposed to any person usually takes time, so just give it more. You might be single for another year or so and that’s okay, but keep dating in the meantime.

It is normal to miss somebody and have regrets after a break up - but from how you describe things and not having access to the other side of the story - you weren’t cheating and you tried to communicate. Her suspicion and trust issues are on her and not you, it sounds like you had a lucky escape tbh.

Best to stop day dreaming about her and start dreaming about meeting somebody new and more suited instead!

Frankblank

The bottom line is she seems unable to talk things through & resolve problems. It’s not the “problem” it’s the ability to reason it out & find solutions. Maybe she is not ready for that. TBH it does sound like she has issues so don’t take her decision too much to heart. It really is a classic case of “it’s not you, it’s her”. We all wish the easier option worked that’s human nature. Don’t give up or give in. Keep doing what you re doing & ignore those pesky negative thoughts 😜

[Deleted User]

Do you have just her word on how the previous relationship went? It might not have been how she described it at all. Sounds like she has lots of issues to sort before she can be considered a good partner for someone.

redmenace1

Hi beaniefan.

I can't give you great advice, except to say that I am in a similar situation to you, albeit its very recent for me. For what it's worth, a year is a long time so it's hard to see things ever getting back to where they were for you as a couple.

In your favour, time does heal all wounds so maybe there is that? And nothing ventured, nothing gained.

But yeah, the daydreaming & wishing that things were different, I get that and I think it's normal. It's a comfort to know other people share those emotions. Best of luck either way.