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Anybody else never cry?

[Deleted User]

Lads,

I'm 36 years old and haven't cried since I was about 10 years old. The wife thinks I'm completely dead inside. Even at funerals, nothing.

I will admit that I'm extremely lucky never to have suffered any major losses yet in life.

Closest I came was a year or so back when the cat passed away. Felt the eyes water a bit for a second but pulled myself back together.

It's not that I don't get sad, I just process it differently I think.

I am curious though if anyone else is the same?

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Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058272744/anybody-else-never-cry

Plenty of people like this, especially men. It helps in situations when you need to act quickly and make cold blood decisions. But do we often have to be like this? It'd be much better to be slightly more sensitive and not be afraid to show a vulnerability to others. That helps to learn compassion and empathy which we lack so much nowadays due to the internet and also covid lockdowns.

I was like you for many years but slowly becoming more sensitive. I'm pleasantly surprised that many friends and colleagues at work noticed that and they trust me more, they talk to me more, open themselves... I overall have just better relationships with people, and am able to be more understanding and less judgemental towards others. It's a wonderful experience.

Unsupervised

I’m the same.

Didnt even shed a tear when my Dad passed away in hospital or even at the funeral.

Same when my dog was put down in my arms by the vet.

I don’t think I register emotions the same way most people seem to but maybe I’m wrong

Unsupervised

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119904191#Comment_119904191

Just to add to this, I think I also lack empathy towards others which I’m not doing on purpose which probably a negative aspect about me.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119904191#Comment_119904191

IQ cannot be learnt, but EQ (if physical and mental abilities allow) can... There are many people with a various mental issues (either permanent or temporary), some are disorders... They could possibly make an impact in trying to gain a higher EQ level. However, often it's just us being focus too much to what's material and easier to notice, rather than emotions. This is the reason we forget to improve our EQ.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119904191#Comment_119904191

Exactly. I guess on some level I am worried that one day when I do lose someone close I still won't get upset the way most people would. (At least outwardly)

Strumms

An interesting thread…. I can’t remember when I cried last… I’m thinking as a pre adolescent.

there hasn’t been any major trauma as in bereavement so I dunno.

Citrus_8

People, we mustn't have a trauma in our lives to become sensitive :) There are so many reasons to cry (and not necessarily out of sadness).

Unsupervised

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119904253#Comment_119904253

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer.

I think it has gotten worse since the pandemic started and continues today as I have been called out for my bluntness or being direct during meetings in work. Not that I was wrong, just not adding fluff like most people.

I don’t think I’m normal and the issue is I’m noticing it for a long time.

I often wonder if I have a mental issue like Adult ADHD or something else.

Count Dracula

I cry all the time, not literally, but I am comfortable with it when it happens.

It can happen when I am extremely elated or when I am frustrated and sad, often a mix of the two in such a circumstance. I might add that I will rarely cry in public, generally in private if possible.

I find the fact that frustration initiates this emotion, in particular when I see how crying is often used by people as a form of manipulation, in particular by women.

It is common for women to use crying as a form of coercion, tantamount to bullying really? How often have you witnessed your spouse, partner, sister, daughter, or other female loved one, use it as a form of persuasion? Women will cry with sadness, but more frequently they resort to crying during an argument they are not winning or when they are hoping to influence their opinion on something. It is colloquially known as " the waterworks". I first witnessed it as a young boy watching my sister engaging in advanced manipulation with my Dad, brothers or even me.

Notice how women never cry when arguing with other women, they know that it opens themselves up to ridicule by other females who recognise its' use as a ruse to manipulate.

Jequ0n

I do cry, but maybe not when I’m supposed to.

CrookedJack

Personally, I was similar for years until at one point in my mid-thirties I had a quiet breakdown, all alone. And, all alone I cried my eyes out for the first time since I was a kid. I went through a bit of a personal crisis then and came to the realisation that I wasn't emotionally prepared for what was happening in my life. Something too big to be ignored or suppressed was going on. So I went to counselling, and decided that I needed to feel my feelings, and be comfortable doing so.

Last month my sister died, and I cried unashamedly. I was proud that I could show my grief to others and they would know they were not alone in their own grief.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058272744/anybody-else-never-cry

The language here is interesting - when you were tearing up at the loss of a loved pet, you "pulled yourself together" so you wouldn't actually cry.

Think about that for a moment, it explains why you don't cry and haven't. You see tears, and giving into emotions of that type as falling apart, on some level at least. Why is that?

You know this is what toxic masculinity originally referred to right? Before its meaning was hijacked by the culture wars. That we define masculinity in ways that are damaging to us. You worry that you can't cry, and you don't process sadness or grief. You fear you might be dead inside. Of course, that's the very traditional masculine ideal. Being a brave soldier and all that. You haven't cried since you were 10 but I bet you've lost your temper, bet you shouted and roared and raged. So you're not dead inside, you just only allow yourself to express certain emotions, to have certain emotions. You should have a think about why that is, and whether you want to live your whole life like that.

I know I didn't.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119904544#Comment_119904544

Thanks for that and very sorry for your loss.

It's honestly not something I've thought much about previously but definitely I'm more aware of it now and realising that maybe I do need to feel things more.

TimL1974

When I was 15 my dad sent me to work in a factory in a tough working class area. The work wasn't that hard but I was intimidated by the atmosphere and how rough some of the characters were. Some of the lads(not much older than me) had been in prison, heavy into drugs etc.. although in fairness some of the older lads were quite nice even trying to include me in the proper man banter.

One day after work I cried in front of my parents because I didn't want to back the next day.

I think I felt so pathetic afterwards that I permanently lost the ability to cry(for almost 30 years now)

monkeybutter

if you have nothing to cry about then why would you cry

seems normal enough

patmahe

I think there are people who are very prone to crying and people who are not prone to it at all, most people are somewhere in the middle.

I think a lot will depend on traumatic experiences or overwhelmingly joyful experiences you have had in your life. You may not cry during the experience itself but I think when you experience something similar again or witness someone else (particularly someone you care about) having a similar experience, you will be more likely to cry.

I think not crying is fine as long as you are not suppressing something because that is deeply unhealthy and it tends to come out in other unhealthy ways anyway. I didn't cry probably for about 25 years because I had no need to. Then we lost my brother and my brother in law within 6 months of each other both very suddenly. Since that, I find funerals very hard as it brings some of those emotions back. But equally since that I find joyous occasions make me well up more readily probably because its a reminder that good things still happen too.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058272744/anybody-else-never-cry

just be careful you re not deliberately keeping things in, that sh1t has a tendency to come out in negative ways, im a crier myself, and the older im getting, the more accepting i am of it....

[Deleted User]

I am glad that over the years the concept that crying is somehow wrong or weak or shameful in men is dying off. I do not believe in the concept of "Alpha Males" for example. But you can have every single attribute people might associate with that concept - and crying is still perfectly ok. There is nothing "manly" or not "manly" about crying. It's just human. And I would prefer to be a "human" than a "man".

While I know some people like him and some people hate him - it is worth mentioning that the Blindboy Podcast this week just happened to be about this very topic.

He went into how during the early and sudden terminal diagnosis his father received - he learned for various reasons not to cry. Partly because expressing the sadness was not allowed because it would make the terminal illness "real" to the father and those around him. They wanted to suppress this. He then found that society in many ways rewarded this - thus cementing it as a behavior (or anti-behaviour?) - by doing things like pouring admiration on people who "keep it together" during that trying time. Just like in the OP above he described pulling himself "together" just before breaking.

He discussed how many people can convert emotions they feel are shameful into emotions they are "allowed" process or are better able to identify. So how some people can manifest sadness as anger. Or anger as sadness. And how this is damaging over the long term.

And he described how as an adult he is learning still how and why and when this all happened - how to undo it - how to learn to sit with emotions to their conclusion and identify them and express them. And how sitting with an emotion like sadness and letting it lead to crying - this can help you be in touch with your authentic self in a healthy way.

Love him or hate him I would say that podcast was honest and clear enough to be beneficial to a lot of his fan base. In my own life long before this podcast I have been on the same journey. Identifying and sitting with my emotions and their source and conclusions. And with my children I always explore their emotions with them as often as I can - and check in with them - and ensure they have the language and concepts to identify their emotions and feel them and express them. Sometimes for children when they can not identify what they are feeling or why - it can be quite painful for them and can be the source of all kinds of seemingly negative behaviors and "acting out" and more.

Certainly do not mind crying myself or finding and clinging to things that cause it to happen. There are not many movies or shows that do it for example. So I am reverential with the ones that do and I revisit them sometimes but with a paranoia of "over using" them and the effect wearing off. A couple of beers and the movie "Ink" for example can leave me in a puddle of tears.

Schnooks

OP I used to be like you, probably till around the same age mid 30s. I lost my father around then suddenly and did my crying in private apart from 1 part of the funeral mass when I was in the front seat so few saw it. No tears in public, even with my own family who couldn't understand it (I found this out years later). I don't know why I did this, the stiff upper lip thing. But all I knew is that I couldn't help the way I handled things. I did cry hard tears a few years earlier when I was about 29, when I lost a very dear friend to suicide, but alot of those tears were alcohol-related.

I have found since I hit my 40s and 50s that the mask has slipped more and more. While never being a loud or public crier, I do shed a quiet tear quite often these days, and am not overly-conscious of it in any way, like I might have been in my younger years. I can watch a car reunion on Car SOS and get emotional. I can watch my son having a minor acheivement and get emotional. I can watch a sad scene in a film or a real life story on telly and get emotional. Or anything to do with dogs like that Paul O Grady show and I'm a goner! My other half is happy with how I have evolved into someone who is not trying to hide what I am feeling all the time.

And I'm the same in general life. You are never going to be judged in any way among friends, family, work colleagues etc, if you sometimes have to take a finger to your eye to wipe a tear or 2 away.

You might have a similar change too with time, not that there's anything wrong with how you are now either.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for all the answers. Some really good posts and a lot to think about.

slither12

Its possible OP (and don't take this the wrong way), that you could be neurodivergent.

I have a close male friend from awho has high functioning autism and has never been sad at all (from what I've seen and his words). He's only cried once and that was because he alost became homeless.

I've never seen him distressed over the natural death of his mother or suicide of cousin

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058272744/anybody-else-never-cry

Read enough posts on boards.ie and you'll be bawling your eyes out at the stupidity in no time

Larbre34

Between the emotionally vacancy and bluntness at work, I'd say you're a functioning sociopath, or as the PC brigade would have it, a person with antisocial personality disorder.

Do you similarly not experience joy, fear, anxiety, regret, guilt, enthusiasm etc?

Cushtie

I think it's an age thing. I was a bit like that until my first child was born. Well able to hold it together in a sad situation, deaths / funerals etc.

My son, when born, we found out had Downs Syndrome. It was a desperate shock and I think it kind of jolted me. I remember the night after he was born my mates brought me to the pub to celebrate and I ended up a complete mess emotionally. Bawling my eyes out in the local 😭😭. Ever since then the waterworks start with anything emotional. Sad Movies, Happy Movies, funerals, etc I'm a gonner.