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Child Item

He is an alcoholic and I’m pregnant again. What to do ?

madonna123

I need some advise fast … I don’t mind if you have experience in this situation or not , I just need to see things from the outside looking in

I am in my late 30’s and I am 8 weeks pregnant. The father is a chronic and abusive alcoholic. We have a 16 month old child already.

Things started out ok, he drank socially and sometimes things got overboard. I found out a year into the relationship he had issues with alcoholism in the past and he had been to rehab twice before.

When we got pregnant his drinking escalated and continued that way until he went back into rehab again 6 months ago.

He stayed sober for 10 weeks and things are right back to the same now.

He disappears for days on end, never shows up to take child when I have appointments or if I have to work while she’s sick and can’t go to childcare.

When he does show up he is abusive, blaming me, then picks her up so he can shout at me and I can’t shout back.

He rarely contributes financially to the home or our daughter.

It all seems clean cut .. leave him BUT This is where I’m so caught up.. I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I so badly would like to have another child.

I work full time and am trying to build up my career , climb the ladder a little , I am studying for a professional qualification.

My mother had an illness several years, she now has an acquired brain injury, no short term or long term memory , I have to help out a little with her care and In turn I don’t have her to help me out with anything anymore.

I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter.

I am trying to buy my home I share with daughters father, owned by his sister but it’s proving almost impossible trying to save and get approval while I am the sole income in the home and paying for everything.

My life has literally become working full time Monday to Friday, crèche pick up / drop off , home dinner , bath , bed. The all weekend it’s just me and my daughter.

I rarely see anyone or do anything

Between trying to save for mortgage and not having anyone around.

Somedays it would be amazing if he just showed up and looked after her for an hour so I could go do something or just sit on my own in silence.

I have had to cancel so many plans from him not showing up my friends are starting to drift.

People say , join a class , go to a group to help but who minds the child ? I can’t afford a babysitter and family are sometimes available but not regularly or at weekends.

So my question is .. do I have the second child ? Would my life become even worse? Would we end up in basic poverty?

Is it fair to bring another child into the world that will grow up with a father that’s an alcoholic?

I am very much aware of issues around the effects of alcoholic parents on children , and this is something that really worries me.

It’s very hard to see anything from the outside right now , I’m so stuck inside the dark hole I’m lost

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shesty

My only thing to add here, on top of the good advice - if you are going to try and get out I would suggest seriously considering doing it now while you only have the one child.

When the second child arrives - your head won't be right to move out for months.

As regards not being sure about going ahead with the pregnancy - my heart is broken for you.I am leaning more on the side of thinking you should go ahead with it, because the emotional side of that loss might be too much to bear on top of potentially ending your relationship and trying to leave.I also think you do want this baby.But truly that is your choice and do not feel judged no matter which way you go

As a fellow eldest child - please ask for help.Please.More people will be willing to step up than you might realise.

YellowLead

Have you confided in anyone? Telling a friend is a first step, once you tell one person then it’s easier to tell more and then you don’t feel so alone and you might be surprised what help people can offer.

Financially, if you are the sole earner than you won’t be worse off without him because he is a drain currently.

I know you mentioned you were looking for somewhere to live close to the childcare - could you find a new childcare option if you needed too? There are apartments for less than €1800, even in Dublin (not sure what part of the country you are in), if you are willing to be flexible location wise. Forget about buying from his family. The less ties when you get away the better.

Only you can decide about your pregnancy. Is having a second child with this man a bad idea? Yes, but you’re already in that boat so it’s not so simple a decision - try and talk it out with a friend if you can. Research your financial options etc.

madonna123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119814953#Comment_119814953

I called a friend today and we are meeting on Wednesday, I am hoping having this conversation out-loud with help make some solid decisions.

I know deep down I will have support , I just hate having to ask for it. I hate being that burden, I just wish I had my sh*t together better than this.

I did some quick rental searches and all areas around where my family and childcare are, came up with zero. It’s unbelievable but true. I don’t want to move away far from what family I do have, I think I might end up even more isolated. I am considering moving back into parents home for a short while. My mum has carers that come in regularly but in the short term it shouldn’t interfere (I hope).

regarding pregnancy in 50/50

having one child in this situation has been a struggle, an emotional rollercoaster, but I’m not sure if that’s been the impact of addiction inside the house and the fall out from that.

This is something I have to really think about,

over all, I feel like putting all this out to the world has given me a lot of clarity on accepting that he has to go.

it’s never going to get better if I continue to allow him and the addiction control our lives any longer.

it’s been so controlling, you end up feeling trapped in the house because going somewhere or making plans have always resulted in him disappearing drinking.

every aspect of our lives has been negatively affected. That’s probably the worst part of the whole rollercoaster

madonna123

Just to clarify, him disappearing to drink isn’t the substantive issue , it’s when he goes , having to readjust to single parenting again. Cancelling all plans , letting down family / friends, doing it alone without that fall back, despite how rare and sporadic it is.

For example a few weeks back I had to attend the office, there was a crash on the road home , crèche closes at 5:30 , I’m looking at the clock , its 5pm and I know even if the traffic clears I’m still at least 45 mins away.

there’s a fine if you’re late for pick up , it was Monday and I knew I had €11 in my account until Thursday so I was literally panicking

I started calling everyone I could think of to pick her up on time, it was absolute hell, I just thought why the hell do I have to do this , why can he not just be reliable ? Even if we were divorced ,sworn enemies I still should be able to call him to collect HIS daughter, but of course no, he was day 3 of a 5 day binge. I called his phone in around 100 times and nothing .. no answer but I could see by his WhatsApp he was online.

I cannot describe in words what that feels like.

There was another occasion when I had to stay in hospital over night, my sister had to take a half day off work to do crèche collection and mind her overnight. Everyone was calling him and he didn’t even return a text never mind show up to take her.

I had to discharge myself early because I had no one else to take her for another night.

(my sister had just been promoted and had mandatory training to attend, I insisted she go , I couldn’t allow his drinking affect her career also)

Purple Mountain

Just something to consider OP..

If you did move back in with your parents long term, maybe down the line, is there room to build on an extension if you were able to get the finances for that and you and your child or children could be living in a granny flat type situation?

You could even have separate entrances. And if you did meet a new partner down the line, you still have independence if you're not actually living in your parent's quarters.

Even some people are putting beautiful log cabins on their family plot, check planning laws, but some of them are superior to houses.

This is something to think long term and not for immediate action but I'm just highlighting that you could have other options.

Short term though, if your parents are happy to have you back, there's no harm in that. Your sisters at home can help out with your child and it sounds like you're very good to your mam so you could be good company for her.

rainbowtrout

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119817805#Comment_119817805

One of the many things in favour of you moving out and away from this guy is that you can set up a routine for you and your child. It's not easy by any means to be a single parent, but you're already effectively a single parent anyway, with a dose of unreliable, alcoholic partner in the mix. If you did decide to move back into your parents house for the time being, you and your child would be safe, in a home where you are welcome. You and your child would not be subjected to this guy's alcoholic abusive behaviour. You could see if you could organise someone to collect your child from the creche in the evening - maybe if there is someone in the locality that you know which could relieve the pressure. You wouldn't have his support any more, but you can't rely on it most of the time anyway. At least on your own you know what your plans are well in advance.

Good luck whatever you do.

misssunshine36

This reminds me of all the times I was let down by their father. He would deliberately do this type of thing to ruin any plans I had. The worst thing was, the kids were so hurt by him constantly letting them down, and he didnt care. This went on for years, and eventually I cut him off, for the kids' sake. Please get rid of him, as he is no addition whatsoever to your life. Him drinking for days unending, and you left to deal with everything, is how he controls you. Please don't allow him to control you anymore. Trust me, you will be so much better off, mentally and financially.

I would say counselling would also help you a lot and give you more strength. Some counselling services are subsidised and can help a lot

Wishing you luck and hope you can speak to your family too for help

ChickenDish

Whatever you decide, whatever decisions your make going forward, get rid of this person in your life who causes you nothing but pain & Misery. He is a bully and cares nothing for you or your child. Its easy for everyone to offer advise and say do this or that, but everyone is singing off the same hymn sheet here (doesnt happen a lot on boards) and no doubt anyone with a moral compass who you know will do the same.

You need to get it out of your head that asking for help is a sign of failure or weakness, getting help is what's best for you and your child, you and your child deserve better. You sound like the type of person who would jump at the chance to help someone should the tables be reversed. Reach out to family, friends & different services. If terminating the pregnancy is best for you, then so be it.

Alcoholic's care about one thing only and that's their next drink. The onus is not on you to help him get back on track, you obviously have been down that road before. Once you get rid of him, things will slowly change for the better - Take it one day at a time, sure a cliche, but yet so true. If at some stage this person decides he wants to get his life on track and be a part of your childs life, then he has to earn that right.

Don't they say "anything worth doing is never easy", well it wont be, but it will be worth it. Once you take that step, ask for help and cut that cancer out of your life, you will ask yourself why you didnt do it sooner.

amdublin

He is never going to change.

Suggest you talk to your GP about supports and options in terms of the second pregnancy.

Good luck OP, best wishes for the future

Neyite

Removing him from your life will remove a lot of the chaos you have right now. Right now you are relying on him and once you stop that and set up your own reliable systems - siblings, friends, neighbours, then life will be a lot more calmer for you and your child.

Logically, the sensible thing would be to terminate you know that. At 8 weeks, it's akin to a heavy sore period (I lost two pregnancies in the 8th week, one in the 6th week and the only difference was that it was like a heavier period) and I actually didn't even take time off work for them as emotionally I needed to keep busy. But our hearts aren't logical..and you want another baby. You have the tablets but haven't taken them yet. That tells me that you are leaning towards continuing on. And with some help and support, it is something you could do. Like a previous poster said, Toddlerhood is survival mode. But it's just a few years of that and it gets easier.

I would strongly advise you though to terminate if I thought you'd still be with him by the time that baby was born though. Staying will profoundly damage any kid in the home of an alcoholic.

My eldest sister was in a rotten marriage. Her feelings, similar to yours that she needed to be 'sorted' kept her and the kids there several years longer than we wanted her to be. She's a few years out the other side and while it was rocky at times, she was working towards a better life and it's calmed down a lot now. But I gave her a sisterly bollocking for not leaning on us sooner. I would do anything to help my siblings through whatever's going on in their life - because they did for me.

Like Chips's sister, I'd have the room for anyone that needed it, no questions asked. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help.

89897

Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. It takes some time to realise that, naturally we feel like we should have everything together but in reality we dont and it takes a village.

You really need to remove the chaos from your life and he is currently the chaotic part of it. Once that's gone it will make things a lot clearer and you can actually plan and rely on who and what is reliable.

Addition is a horribly selfish disease and it turns amazing people into monsters. I will however go against the grain to some posters and say that alcoholics can change. Many have and will successfully get sober but this takes a massive amount of dedication, energy, determination and work, so much work. They also need to hit rock bottom before the realization of how bad things are and they will never hit that if they are being propped up by someone or something.

Your husband has proven several times he has no intention of changing things the way they currently are and 2 small kids around will absolutely not give him the space he needs even if he wants to. Its not as simple as never drinking again, its a whole mental health process. For all your sake you need to leave the man. There is a very good chance he will turn things around and become a good dad to his kids but it takes years or work and building trust again and proving he has changed. It's not just talk that proves hes dedicated, it's consistent actions over a long period of time.

If you allow this to continue it will only make things worse for you. It will be hard for a while but it will get better and when that weight on your shoulders is lifted your life will start afresh.

But first and foremost you need to start looking at things with some clarity and you need to reach out for help.

anmhi02

Oh my gosh I feel your pain sooo much. But my own advice having lived through it, it's to leave him. Been there, done that and if it wasn't for my son I would surely have done something very drastic. I left my ex, divorced him, bought my own house, went back to uni and went up the ladder at work. I'm now remarried and so happy with another child. My ex is unfortunately still drinking and living a horrible life despite all the help he was offered.

It's certainly not an easy choice at all and will take all the courage you can muster but think of your child and YOURSELF!!

The very best of luck my dear and I hope you get a happier life x

moceri

I would focus on making an exit strategy. No Child deserves to live in a chaotic environment. See a Solicitor. Seek emotional support from someone you can trust.