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Breaking ties with family member

urgentcell

I've realised that my brother and I don't get on at all. And he makes my life worse.

I won't go into too much detail. But I find him judgemental & dismissive. Says excessively rude things to me and my wife, in a joking way, I find the comments very upsetting. My wife is as tough as boots and doesn't care. We haven't been able to have kids unfortunately and are mostly at peace with it. But he continues to bring it up pegging us as victims. And a little smug about us leaving it too late in life to try having kids.

Has anyone else ever cut off ties with a family member? How did you do it? Did you just say it straight out and tell them? Or did you cut them out subtlety?

My Mam knows what he's like, but a very peaceful and sensitive woman so I guess she'd be upset if I did it formally.

I very much doubt I'm the only one ever in this position. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

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juno10353

Prepare yourself, practise with your mum or wife, and know what to say.

On the next occasion that he is rude or derogatory, inform him of the fact. Ask that he no longer behaves like this to you or you will have but to cut off contact. If he persists or tries to joke it off ....... leave his company.

Then avoid his company where possible, being distant but polite when in necessary company ... Mums birthday for example or Christmas.

Jequ0n

You don’t sah if you have addressed this with him yet. Have you had a direct conversation on this matter? If so how did he respond?

Pissy Missy

Sorry to hear OP, I can relate. I've had enough with one of my family members at this point, I do my best to distance myself from them as much as possible for my wellbeing. I try remain civil when they're around me but anywhere else, I do my best to avoid them and try move on with my life instead of wasting it on someone who can't be helped.

Flinty997

No reason you have to stay friendly with a family member who is not nice to you. Just stop talking to them. No need to say anything at all.

bitofabind

I agree with the previous poster. Just go low contact, it sounds like you're already on track with that, and remain civil but impersonal when you're forced to be in his company. If he crosses boundaries (like the kids comment - incredibly insensitive), state in a matter-of-fact way that it's none of his business and his commentary is unwelcome, change the subject and move on.

He sounds like the type that would enjoy confrontation and creating drama, making an enemy of you within the family, so I wouldn't give him that opportunity by formally cutting things off.

Dial Hard

I'm also curious as to whether you've ever actually attempted to discuss/address this with him? I don't really get the impression that you have, and it's quite the escalation to go full cut-off if the guy doesn't even necessarily know how much his behaviour bothers you.

urgentcell

I used say something like I don't find what you're saying funny. He just goes come on I was only joking. To be fair I haven't made of of those comments in ages.

Think I need to start doing that again, thanks for the reminder.

Full blown cut off is definitely dramatic, I'll do it by keeping contact to a minimum and closing down a bit.

Thanks for tye advice

Strumms

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119531621#Comment_119531621

This.

delete and block them from social media / phone apps and just don’t answer the phone if they call or txt.

if you have to be at an event where they are present, wedding, funeral, christening etc… just keep contact to the minimum… an exchange of hellos and goodbyes. Civil…

if they try to be difficult about it and approach you, not so much as a raised syllable in your voice…just walk away…this will portray them quite correctly as the aggressor.

BBM77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540087#Comment_119540087

“He just goes come on I was only joking.”

Knew this would come up before I even scrolled down and saw it.

OP, been there times two. Brother and sister are complete toxic people. In my experience relatives like this don’t change. Best thing to do is cut them off. Sounds so familiar what you wrote. Your brother is feeding of your misfortune. Relatives like this try to dress it up as joking. Bet when there is a family occasion or there are friends in the situation your brother is sweet as pie so he won’t look bad. And if you say anything about this behaviour from your brother the response will be “what’s up with you” kind of thing. I suspect you may have had more success in your life than your brother. Inside your brother feels crap about himself. Your success reminders him of his own failings. It is a form of if I can’t feel good, you can’t. He is trying to make you feel crap to. Don’t let him. Cut him off.