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Why do I keep getting ghosted?

Airyfairy12

Ive had this consistent issue with the huge majority of men ive been communicating with in the last few years. We'll be texting each other, all will be going well, they will eagerly plan a date with me, pick a day we can meet and even go as far as to say they have that day off work or they're moving their work schedule around for a day that suits us both, all is sounding good then the day before the date they stop texting back and go radio silent. This has happened now consistently with the last 4 men I was supposed to go on a date with over the last year. Just to add myself and these men are all in our 30's, im not cat fishing anyone in that I don't really use filters but have never had any problems attracting male attention its just when it comes to meeting up and hanging out they act interested only to disappear before this happens without any explanation.

Can anyone explain this to me because its happening to often for it to just be coincidence.

Thanks.

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[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058258974/why-do-i-keep-getting-ghosted

Are these men you met on apps like Tinder? They're usually only looking for one night stands rather than dates.

Proper Dating sites might be a better option.

Airyfairy12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119477680#Comment_119477680

Yes Tinder but they're often times people I would know to see or we have mutual acquaintances as we're from the same general area, some of them aren't, some are men I don't know at all but every time its the exact same situation. I don't get the impression they're just looking for sex as they're the ones that are usually initiating the date and suggesting we go for coffee or a drink, the last guy was planning a full day out with me on his day off work. This is annoying for me because he was so convincing that I left that day free as I thought we were meeting but he just stopped replying to me and ghosted me the evening before. Its so hurtful and I don't know what these men get out of treating people like this, letting people down and wasting peoples time.

YellowLead

Sorry to hear you have had those experiences. Tinder isn’t the best of the dating apps - use bumble and hinge for people with more of an interest in dating.

Also - just because somebody plans an actual date doesn’t mean they want anything more than sex, some plan elaborate dates just to get sex at the end and might have found an easier option.

It’s not you personally - just the nature of tinder. It’s never happened to me, but I use the other apps more than tinder and if using tinder am VERY selective about the profiles I pick. There are some genuine people there but imo less than the other apps.

The other thing is - you don’t come on too strong too soon or anything? Probably not, but that’s something that can frighten people away.

[Deleted User]

Likes of Tinder is absolutely notorious for being almost entirely for once-off sex, it’s as plain as that. There are exceptions though to this rule, but they are exceptions, so don’t give up altogether, but adjust your expectations if it’s Tinder. As other poster suggested, you might be better going on a more serious “proper” usually paid dating site where an actual relationship is on the cards.

I’m guessing here, but maybe when the “date” has been agreed after the usual flirtatious chat, that the men were first thinking in terms of a sexual encounter and, and then maybe gather than you want a bit more than from last minute chat that and back off.

In my experience they mostly want the ride on first encounter, and that tends to be the deal on Tinder. Mostly, but not invariably.

TheadoreT

I think it just happens a lot in general these days, and could be a million reasons :

-nerves, potentially heightened from single people being less social during covid. -Apps numbing people's compassion for others. -People in relationships looking for an ego boost. -Catfish. -Double booking. -Only looking for a ride and pick up you want more. I could go on...

None of this is a reflection on you, and the fact you're a bit disillusioned reflects well on your general character, as it isn't the right way to treat another human no matter how commonplace ghosting is these days.

Just a general piece of advise(and you may be doing this anyway), is to avoid falling into the same early boring interview style conversations many do on dating sites, "where you from", "what you do for work", "how long have you been single" ect... Be fun and memorable and people will be more excited to meet you.

Sonic the Shaghog

Another thing too is they think they might like a gf so it's very easy message away but when it becomes real and reality actually hits em in the face that they have to go and meet up with someone and make time for them etc they can't be bothered so just ghost and most likely will be chatting away to someone new again to pass the time and/or the bit of attention

Unfortunately I used be this way, although I wouldn't bother actually setting up a date I'd just stop talking when theyd mention about meeting up, even tho they seemed nice and attractive. I know how it makes me sound but may as well be honest as it 99% isn't you most likely

[Deleted User]

Ah yeah, online dating can be tough. I'd say try to arrange a meet up as soon as possible. Don't get sucked into a couple of weeks messaging. Just go for it after a couple of days of reasonably good interaction and then suggest you meet. Best of luck.

Airyfairy12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119478994#Comment_119478994

One of the men who ghosted me in the last year came back to tell me what happened and told me the thoughts of a relationship terrifies him, this wasn't someone from Tinder, I knew him a few years, a male friend told me that allot of men are scared of commitment so this makes allot sense but its just so consistent, its one guy after the next with the same outcome. Over time this causes me to have trust issues and in the long run, that could potentially mess up the potential for an actual relationship because I can't trust that a guy is being honest about his feelings. Its crazy to me that so many people use other people to stroke their own ego and lead that person on for their own selfish reasons. If it was the odd person here or there I could deal with it but it feels like its everyone at this stage.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119479824#Comment_119479824

Does it really make sense? I mean if these guys are so terrified of 'commitment' that they chicken out of a first date why are they getting involved in the process at all? Sounds to me like your friend is spinning a yarn to show how 'sensitive' and 'vulnerable' he is. I mean there might be one guy in 20 like that...I'd prefer to go with this explanation

Jequ0n

I don’t think you will find a satisfactory answer to your question because the reasons why people ghost. Most likely there isn’t one reason why you get ghosted.

I generally do it if the other person bores me or if I get the impression that this is not going the way I want. It might not be nice but it enables you to re-connect with a bogus story.

How long do you text before arranging a date? Do you ever suggest the date or do you wait for the men to initiate one? Do you come across shy or confident?

BBM77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119477752#Comment_119477752

If you want to try dating sites, try POF or Elite Singles. Tinder is awful. Just full of people looking for an ego boost with the number of likes they get. Would say half the people on it are not even single.

Scattered99

I'm a fair bit younger than ya, but I've used Tinder quite a bit, as have most of my friends.

I wouldn't take it personally, which I know is a helluva lot to ask of someone but with practice, it gets way easier. Tinder gives us the illusion of endless options and there's always the thought of "yeah this person is good, but what if there's someone EVEN BETTER and they're only a few swipes away!". It makes us so much more fickle. I've found myself noping out of dates because they do karate or they're 25km away or they have a moustache and all sorts of daft reasons that wouldn't warrant a rejection pre-Tinder/ pre the endless catalogue of people. My friends have admitted the same.

And word of warning- don't assume anything early on. I've had lads act like they were interested in more than the ride, both friends of friends or guys on Tinder. Once it becomes clear I don't do casual sex they bolt after 2 or 3 meetups, despite holding my hand, texting me daily and other behaviours that would suggest they want more! On the other hand, I've also had lads give the cliché "I'm just out of a relationship/only looking for fun/nothing serious" etc etc . and after 3 dates be pure mad about me and looking for a relationship etc. You just can't know early on- you can only guess.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119480218#Comment_119480218

This is so true. Tinder is almost like a set of old fashioned playing cards, you shuffle, deal, put the unused cards back into the back. People are fooled into thinking they are not dealing with other human beings.

Dial Hard

Tinder is a sh*t-show. It's just a complete meat market where nobody even bothers to fill out their profile. I always much preferred Bumble, people put a bit of actual effort into it ime. I met my boyfriend on there back in April.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119479024#Comment_119479024

This is good advice - endless chats without meeting are a waste of time. Arrange the meet up asap and don’t get remotely invested before meeting.

And seriously try bumble and hinge for slightly more genuine prospects.

Esse85

Sounds like the impression is that only men do this, I can promise you, women are just as guilty of this but you don't hear about it as much because men don't talk about it to protect their ego and secondary because there is far more men on these apps.

OP it's a numbers game and Tinder has a higher risk of failure. Try Bumble and Hinge too. Not all lads are looking only for the ride on Tinder either BTW

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119482080#Comment_119482080

Yes to this and 100x agree. I think what most of us are doing with apps like Tinder is swipe right on everything and see what we match with. If its not for us, unmatch. Im guilty of it. All these apps are pure statistics at the end of the day. Still you cant beat going to a bar and chatting someone up!