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Fairly sure I did the right thing but I feel really awful

fishersham

Met an English fella on my holidays. He's nearly 30, I'm 22. I'd never really date fellas beyond my age group but "when in Rome". We went out twice. Honestly two of the best dates I've ever been on. It was effortless and we'd a fair bit in common. A lot of chemistry. I expected it to be confined to the holiday but he was keen to fly over here to see me to see if we're a match etc. We were both very taken by each other.

I'll be honest, despite my excitement, it felt a bit much. I wanna be with a fella around my age, say 22-25ish. I'm not mature enough for someone his age. I'm also finishing a masters next year and hoping to travel for a year or 2. He's very much settled, has a good job and his own apartment etc. I don't want long distance, it was bad enough doing it for months at a time with my ex in college. Holiday guy tried to talk me out of saying no and damn near did, but I stood my ground. I feel awful even if i know I'm right. How do I stop feeling crap? I really did fancy him but it's not practical.

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[Deleted User]

Your reasoning seems sound. There’s not much more too it. Enjoy it for what it was.

[Deleted User]

Don't beat yourself up....... it was a holiday "fling", a nice diversion....... " ships that pass in the night" kinda thing....." it's not practical " so move on ..... focus on the masters & living a bit. Don't be self- doubting....... it was what it was..... you know how that Elsa song goes from ' frozen'🤣

YellowLead

He sounds intense. And long distance is pointless. You’ll always remember those two lovely dates so leave it at that, if he if miffed because somebody he’s met twice and who lives in a different country doesn’t see the point in continuing the red flag. I mean it would be too much, and it would feel pressured.

Jizique

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119259782#Comment_119259782

He probably just wants an Irish passport

Sardonicat

You made the right choice. Ye had a lovely connection and got to enjoy it for a time. Sometimes, that's all we get , for whatever reason, and then we have to let go. The sense of loss will pass in time.

fishersham

Thanks guys.

I feel better about my decision. I've never been in a situation where I liked someone but I had to rejection them, as it couldn't work for legitimate, practical reasons. It's new to me. Probably a feeling I'll have to get used to, but I'm hoping not!

NiceFella

I wish I had your maturity at 22 so fair play. 100% you are making the right decision. You are at completely different stages in life so it's not really workable. Even if he was living here.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119259844#Comment_119259844

It sounds like you feel guilty because you didn't want to hurt his feelings and you say he's more mature, but based on your decision, I think you're very mature and sensible and importantly focusing on you, enjoying your youth and prioritising your academia, you're much better learning from your past experience, listening to your gut, and saying it to him whilst being firm rather than leading him on or making a decision you'll regret, glad the holiday was fab and best of luck with the masters!

fishersham

Feel a bit better today. A part of me worries I'll never click with someone this much again but I'm fairly sure that's nonsense, given I'm 22, still in college and have plans to travel a bit. But I've rarely clicked so well with someone. This is very much my head ruling over my heart.

And hey, probably is a little bit of a red flag that he was so willing to pursue someone considerably younger and from another country after 2 dates. Despite the excitement, it did feel a bit "much", as another poster said.

bucketybuck

It may be strange that he pursues somebody younger and from a different country.

Then again, it is also strange that somebody on holiday who doesn't like long distance relationships is going on "dates" with the locals.

fishersham

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119261309#Comment_119261309

I guess it's my own fault but I didn't expect to click with him as much as I did and I certainly didn't expect him to view it as a potential serious relationship.

Dial Hard

You're completely overthinking this. As has already been said, it was a holiday fling - everyone has a moment of "what might have been" in the immediate aftermath, then reality sets back in and we move on.

Girl Geraldine

He sounds controlling because he wanted to change your mind. I think you dodged a bullet. And if he is 30 and trying to date a 22 year old he might have been trying to take advantage of you being naive

fishersham

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119261463#Comment_119261463

Entirely possible, age was as big a factor as distance in my decision, but didn't pick up on it if true.

It was hard to call it off. I'd argue it was sweet he didn't want want let me go without saying his piece. He wasn't aggressive about it. He had solid counter arguments for all my reasons. He'd say something I said made sense but then contradict it. He was so convincing I did change my mind for a bit after we called and he had said "I'll leave it to you and you can reach out to me if you've reconsidered, but otherwise, thanks for the fun and all the best". I was honestly a bit flustered that he managed to change my mind and was thinking "aw crap I've given false hope, I need to push through and stay firm" within minutes of ending the call

But an hour later texted to say I'm probably right now, that's he thought about what I said and doesn't want to change my mind if it's made up and best of luck etc. It was sad but a relief.

Xterminator

Honestly two of the best dates I've ever been on. It was effortless and we'd a fair bit in common. A lot of chemistry........... Holiday guy tried to talk me out of saying no and damn near did, but I stood my ground. I feel awful even if i know I'm right. How do I stop feeling crap?.....

so op hits it off with a fella on holiday. he trys to make it work (perhaps he felt even more & fell harder than the OP), and she says no. And an anonymous internet warrior says "He sounds controlling because he wanted to change your mind". So in the year 2022 its controlling to try to persuade someone to go out with you again because you liked them. Riiight!!?!

OP if you feel bad, its probably a combination of 1/2 wanting to try to have a relationship and 1/2 feeling sorry for the disappointment you know he is feeling. Completely understandable. But if your satisfied you have made the right decision for you, then stick to your guns.

The strong feelings will fade over time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having these feelings and there is no need for regret over a holiday romance. you've done nothing wrong here. In time you will feel much less conflicted about the decision. But you do need to cut all contact over telephone, internet and social media to allow the healing process to work.

fishersham

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119261761#Comment_119261761

Nailed it. It's both. I think he may have fallen a little harder but yeah still crap. It'll be grand. It was only 2 dates. It's easy to romanticise. It's not what I want logically (someone around my age I can see regularly). It was just a really nice fling.

Sardonicat

You're picking at the wound now. You are going to feel a bit wistful for a while, but that will pass when you get back into your normal routine. Don't sabotage yourself thinking you've let "the one" go. You haven't. There is no such thing. You'll meet people throughout your life with whom you'll have this connection. When you're lucky there won't be any obstacles on either side and you can take it further.

As has been said already, remember it for what it was. It's always a beautiful thing to connect with someone like that, even when it doesn't lead to anything. And it can happen even when you or the other party are settled and in a happy relationship. Just because the feeling is there doesn't mean you have to pursue it.That's why it's important to know when and how to walk away and at 22, your maturity in this is admirable

You've done the right thing. It stings but that will pass. It won't be the last time in your life you're going to have to do this. But there will be a time with a partner when it will all fall into place.

BorneTobyWilde

Choosing head over heart, sad.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119262034#Comment_119262034

Ah here the older I get the more I do that, at 22 Id be in love every second weekend!

OP - You know what you want but it is worth noting in your original post that

We were both very taken by each other.

You know what you want out of life but sometimes those feelings are hard to ignore and we become pragmatists in life....who knows may serenditpity will come into play!!!

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119261324#Comment_119261324

OP, relations are dynamic and depend on circumstances. You might have clicked so much just because it happened in holiday settings. No strings attached, so no worries and threats from both sides. The same two people in a "normal" (not holiday) settings might have completely different chemistry. Normally people are not so open at the beginning. So holidays themselves might have played a big part in it. It all might be just an illusion.

Also you can't exclude that he is more into you atm because you are escaping. But relations are dynamic and changing. Especially at the beginning. You don't know what would happen, if you fell in love with him. At the moment you think, it will all be as it is now. So you regret resigning from it. Unfortunately we are not prophets and can't predict, how your relation would develop and if it would make you happy. But the best relationships are, when we are able to fulfil our needs in them. We are calm and happy then and can make another person happy. I don't believe in sacrifice. Resentment can rise its ugly head later.

So if I were you, I would pursue my dreams and what will be, will be. You might find a great guy for you later. Or you might get in touch with "holiday guy" again in future, when and if you will be on the same page. But in the meantime you would fulfil some points from your wish list and it would get you closer to a happy settlement later as a simply more accomplished person.

FintanMcluskey

Regarding the age thing he's 29 your 22.

I'd consider it the ideal age gap for compensating the maturity differences between men and women.

The comment about a 30 year old trying to control a 22 year old was the stupidest thing I read in a while.

Sounds like your trying to justify not pursuing this due to the age gap but its just that the timing is wrong in reality.

There is a chance you will think about him a lot & for a long time

Swaine

"controlling"

The man really liked you and wanted to make it work, this is called controlling now?

You'd be on here moaning if he made no effort.. Lads can't win no matter what they do.

In years to come you could very well sit back and wonder why you didn't try with this guy. You came on he for justification in not pursuing it, I don't see any reason why you wouldn't considering how much you liked him. The age gap is nothing.

cj maxx

OP, I haven't read all the replies, but your main issue seems to be he's 7/8 years older than you, and not a 25 yo who'll fit in with your friends. Have you found love with your friend group??????

7 or 8 years is nothing.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119264982#Comment_119264982

I think it’s the distance that is more the issue here. Plus his drive to pursue it sounded intense - trying to change OPs mind and being so willing to jump on a plane after 2 dates.

7 years isn’t much of an age gap at all in general (there’s 19 years between me and the man I’m dating), but early twenties vs turning 30 is a difference life stage wise.

OP it’s true we don’t often meet people we really click with, but meet them we do and you’ll meet many more! Also I think what another poster pointed out about it being a holiday romance and there being no pressure and everybody is relaxed and open is definitely true - sometimes we are almost different people on holidays and are living a romatacised version of life!

fishersham

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119265904#Comment_119265904

Thank you!

I admire the romantics in this thread, it's really sweet but not practical. There's just too much working against it. The distance and life stage feed into each other.

Supposing he came over and it was still great, then what? I'm a college student on minimum wage who doesn't have a car (yet). I'd have to rely on others to give me a ride or rely on the bus AND be able to afford the flight etc. Possible, but probably not the best idea for someone saving for a car and hoping to go abroad in a year or 2. It would be extremely unfair to expect him to "bridge the gap" just because he's older and has much more money than me (he didn't brag about it but I can tell he's very well off and has a great job).

Call me a cynic, but I'm doubtful this is some romcom-esque "the one that got away" situation. I like him but I don't think 35 year old me will be looking wistfully back at someone I only met twice on holidays

newport2

Sounds like to me you made the right call. Even leaving everything else aside, distance relationships are difficult if you know the person really well. For someone you've only just met, it would be next to impossible. Seeing each other perhaps twice a month, all you get to see is the best and "early relationship mode" side of each other. Not the nut and bolts. Very hard to get to know somebody really well like that. Good luck.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119266195#Comment_119266195

Not sure what the point of your thread was. You had no intention of pursuing this and you met him the second time and then you cut him off at the ankles and feel bad. Poor you.

Off with you now and meet some other fella friday night and you'll feel grand on saturday.

notAMember

I think this is the right decision for you and your current situation now, as you are focusing on your masters for the next year.

Long term, when you're ready, I would say the world is smaller than you maybe think it is now. Someone from England I wouldn't even consider long distance. It's faster (and cheaper!) for me to get to London or other places in the UK than to Dublin. My siblings are scattered around a few countries, having married or gotten work there, and if anything it enriches our lives to visit them. I wouldn't rule out someone as a partner because they are not from your local town. They can move, you can move.

About age gap, I think the general rule of "ick" factor and social acceptability of a relationship is half your age + 7. So at 30 to 22, it's generally socially acceptable.

On the plan of travelling for 2 years after the masters. I know this is a great opportunity to do it, and a very popular path. I'd raise the small concern that you're potentially putting your future on hold. With your current mindset, does that rule out any relationship and starting a career from now until 2026, when you're back from the adventure?

EdensTempleX

You'll stop feeling crap in time. Sounds like you have your head screwed on and you're making the right decision. Focus on your studies and enjoy your travelling. You'll meet plenty of other guys.

Floppybits

Been there done this and have been on both sides of this. I wouldn't bet questioning myself over it. Actually I would bet if you did pursue it and it fizzled out you would then be questioning yourself over why did I spend so much money flying over and back to see him when it was never going to work. 😀