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Husband's Mood Swings

lafemmequirit

Well, unlike my name suggests, I'm not laughing about this one. My husband and I have been together a long time but have only been married for a few years. I'm not really sure what's happened but he seems to have really changed since we got married. He suffers from very low self esteem and has no friends, even though he has a good job, is funny and his colleagues at work seem to like him. I have a good job too, am younger than him and am a lot more outgoing than he is. He has always had problems in the bedroom area, but that's never bothered me. He's always just taken medication and it was fine. In the past, say, four years though, he doesn't even make any advances, I know I look ok for my age (I've always taken really good care of my weight, skin, hair, eat well, exercise etc.), I have a wide circle of friends and like to socialise and have fun and exercise, but he's completely disinterested. He's also put on quite a bit of weight as he's stopped exercising himself. He's become really abusive recently. If I utter a sentence the wrong way he takes it as criticism. Here's an example just from today: I asked him to do something and he only did half of it. I said 'oops you forgot to do the rest of it' The word 'forgot' became such an issue. He argued up and down about what I'd asked him to do, lied about it and then complained about how I ask him for too many things in general when he realised he was caught lying about it. It's not the first time I've caught my husband lying. He lied about debt he had before we married, previous relationships that he previously denied, and education.

Anyway today my husband took offence at the word 'forgot' and started screaming abuse at my back whilst I was at my computer screen working. Then he stormed out of the house. That's another thing. It's great when he goes out as I get my work done, but I have absolutely no idea where he goes. I don't ask and he doesn't tell me. I know, a lot of replies are going to say he's having an affair. 😐️ Nah. He's not the type- he is too shy to even make friends. And with his 'problem', it'd be physically impossible. I thought maybe about an addiction? Nope. No smell of drink or signs of intoxication and he still comes back as enraged as before these little jaunts. We went to therapy for a good while last year because I *so* want my lovely man back. My best friend keeps telling me that I only have one life and I can't keep walking on eggshells everyday to please someone who no longer even keeps up the Dr Jeckyll appearance anymore. It feels like I'm stuck with Mr Hyde everyday. We have no children. I was in my 30s when we met and he didn't want kids. Come to think of it, he didn't want to get married either. I tried confronting him about whether he was gay but nope, he denied it. Affair, addiction, gay, abused/ trauma as a child- I asked them all. I believe that marriage is for life but my patience with this relationship is getting thin. I asked him to see a doctor to talk about medication for depression, which he was on before he met me. He told me to mind my own business and said that he wouldn't consider either medication or counselling for himself. 🤨 I don't drink, smoke or do anything too naughty these days (mainly because I covered all that in college) I'm well educated and we earn the same income. I'm probably co-dependent and have abandonment issues because a parent died when I was young and I have a horror of being alone. I'd love to hear some of your theories of what's happened to my loving husband (and previously loving relationship). I've taken a long time writing this, making sure it is accurate so that I can show it to him. If any of you kind people have sensible, balanced advice to offer please be kind enough to share it with me here. You could help save a marriage!💗 Thank you for reading.

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Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, it seems like all the issues that are bothering you now were in place before you got married and you just chose to ignore them or thought you could overlook them indefinitely. Well, quelle surprise, they didn't go away and are now even bigger issues than they were at the outset.

Reading your post it doesn't really sound like you particularly like your husband. You may love him (a bit, yeah), but do you *actually* like him? As a human being??? Because I'm honestly not seeing what you're getting out of the relationship (either of you, tbh) from your post.

Outkast_IRE

I think you have been patient enough with him at this stage. There is no helping someone who refuses to help themselves, and doesnt acknowledge their own unhappiness.

I dont say this lightly but you should be working on your strategy to end the relationship and ensure you have a roof over your head and somewhere safe.

JoChervil

You sound really concerned and focused on saving your marriage, so I hope you can take on board some criticism.

About “forget”. Why did you assume he forgot about doing it? There might have been different reasons for things not being done. I would ask: what about other stuff, do you have a plan to complete it? But most of all: do you want to do it? I know some things must be done, but is he taking part in a decision making process?

You wrote that he didn’t want to marry and he has changed since marriage. So maybe he was forced/manipulated to do it and now feels resentment because of it? And anything more he “has” to do, like things he “forgot” are simply passive-aggressive reactions.

I am not entirely sure that you are a good fit for each other. You sound like you are thinking much higher about yourself than him. And believe me such things are felt by another person, so such imbalance might contribute highly in his low self-esteem as well.

The reasons why he is the way he is might be plenty. Asking direct questions about such things like “whether he was gay, had an affair, addiction, abused/ trauma as a child” won’t give you answers. They are very sensitive subjects and can’t be asked about them so bluntly. First reaction will very likely be just no. And BTW some addictions are not so easily spotted. And some people need months of therapy to only touch such subjects. Some even escape from therapy at the first sign to getting close to them.

From your post you sound like an ideal. It might be very hard to live with you because people are humans. You won’t see vulnerable part of another person, if you don’t show your vulnerability and your weak points. But first you have to see them yourself, which might be tricky...

And also maybe he wants his Mr Hyde part loved to become Dr Jekyll? Sometimes we strengthen the bad part in others by fighting it instead of encouraging the good part to emerge? But our good part usually shows up in safe conditions. Our bad part is usually our defence mechanism. So what kind of partner we eventually end up with might depend on us, how safe conditions we create to get the best from another person.

You focus a lot on your ok look and it’s good. And you can do even more, because the most important is not how we look, only how we make other people feel around us….

lafemmequirit

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this. It really made me think. I'm certainly not ideal- far from it. I have worked extremely hard on myself so that he never has to see my Mrs Hyde and I do everything I can to help and encourage him to talk to me. Sometimes I feel like I overshare and I truly do want to help him *be better*. He is passive aggressive. It's the street angel, house devil duplicity that bothers me. He makes me feel bad, but it's out of sight. I'm not the typical 'little women who can't get away'. I don't want to give up on him/ us. I don't want to regret burning a bridge I can't rebuild. 😏

Jequ0n

There is not a single nice thing you could say about him (so far)…

Can you maybe clarify what you mean by this?

” I have worked extremely hard on myself so that he never has to see my Mrs Hyde”

YellowLead

Hi OP - you say you are not the typical ‘little woman’ who can’t get away. But stay you do.

Why did you go ahead and marry him if you felt he wasn’t up for it? You say ‘he’ didn’t want kids - did you? Do you resent him for that?

I don’t blame him for not liking what you said to him, I’d be pretty pissed off is somebody said ‘oops you forgot to do the other half’ - it’s really condescending and not nice. If you have a problem, just say it.

Obviously I don’t condone the shouting and if you feel like you are walking on eggshells he must be pretty snappy and that’s not fair. But if he walks out when angry that’s not the worst thing to do, it gives you both space.

It sort of reads like you knew you were incompatible but went along with it anyway just so you could avoid being alone?

Also, with the way you weren’t happy with him spending on his ‘thrifty’ relatives - could there be an element of you wanting to make all the decisions and wanting him to fit to your mould?

NiceFella

Hi OP,

Hard to know exactly what is going on with your relationship, but I would say there is more than a decent chance that you may be emasculating him. The passive and snide remarks believe it or not will not help your relationship. And let me tell you there is no bigger libido killer than a person that feels belittled or talked down to.

Also stating the fact that he wouldn't be having an affair because he has his "problem" as you put it is a incredibly insensitive remark. It's much more prevalent than you think as well. The way you phrased that sentence tells me that you don't respect your husband or resent him on some level.

To be honest it does sound like your husband is the more emotional of you two and there is nothing wrong with that. If you want it to work, listen to him instead of postulating as to if he is gay or some other half baked notion. He probably feels alienated from you and that's why he leaves to get away from what he probably perceives as judgement.

Could totally be wrong but as an emotional guy myself, I did read that and think you were being unnecessarily harsh at times. Calling him a liar too because he didnt fulfil your request also is a bit of a strech wouldn't you think? Anyway something to think about.

TheRealPONeil

Dr. P recommends

1 - get your partner in front of a medical professional for all of the basic health check and issue indicators

2 - don't be asking here for any advice

------------------------------------------

@TheRealPONeil Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is an advice forum where posters look for advice. Do not tell posters to not post here.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting again.

daithi7

There's a lot going on here OP.

Your other half may indeed have low self esteem issues, and is letting themselves go a bit , and may be down and feeling trapped in a marriage that according to you he may not even have wanted to be in in the first place..... think about how lonely & miserable a place that may be for anyone firstly maybe.....

Or your OH may be mostly reacting to being constantly talked down to, reminded of their faults/ mistakes/ shortcomings, labelled as such a demeaning thing, as being a liar, reminded of their ED issues, and asked a bunch of judgemental queries about being gay or depressed or other by a conceited partner with an apparent superiority complex?!

Or it may be a combination of both of the above!!

Tbh, if you really want to save your relationship & marriage to this man, you are firstly going to have to accept him as he is & not necessarily as you want him to be, secondly you're going to have to reserve judgement on him for being himself, thirdly you're going to have to have seriously revealing, two way conversations with him on what he wants from this marriage & what you want, and if & how can ye both achieve this , and lastly you're going to have to stop talking, thinking or acting down on him which is only exacerbating his apparent lack of self esteem, and the poor relationship & power dynamic between ye.

Well done on scribing the post , and good luck to both of ye, I hope it works out well in the fullness of time.

P s. Nothing wrong with going out for a walk, etc to clear the head after a domestic. In fact it's probably quite a healthy thing to do imho

cj maxx

I tend to agree with P. Not about the advice bit but definitely get him to see a doctor.. maybe you could say all this to your gp and see if a appointment with a psychologist/ pycharist? would be I best.

I gather that you have your s.hit together while he is completely feeling incompetent as a husband. .

Big Bag of Chips

Whether you know it or not your post comes across as quite superior and patronising. I remember your previous thread about your husband spending his money on his relatives and how you had a problem with that. I told you in that thread, that as an adult man he is entitled to make his own decisions. Yet you seem to see your decisions as better than his, how you are a better person and how you try to help him *be better*. How your way is the better way.

You mention that you were careful to accurately write this so you can show it to him. That's not going to end well for you. I feel you are looking for replies who tell you how great you are and how at fault he is which you can then show him to strengthen your argument that you're "better" and he needs to be more like you. He will not take kindly to this approach. I can't imagine too many people would.

As Dial Hard mentions, all these issues seem to have been present before you married, yet you forged ahead, believing you knew better and would change him. And now you're disappointed and blaming him for not changing. You say your "patience is getting thin with this relationship". Is that because you've failed to change the man from who he is, to who you think he should be? Your "oops you forgot to do the rest of it" is condescending and patronising. He didn't "forget". He simply didn't do it. You seem to infantalise him and see your ideas as the better ones, and you need to teach him - If only he'd come around to your way of thinking.

Your bit about "confronting him" about being gay is just bizzare. You're together a long time, but only married a few years. How/why do you think he's gay, and why marry him if you thought it was even a possibility?

It might not be the reply you want to hear, and it certainly won't be the reply you want to show him, but I think you are very much part of the problem not the solution. He is who he is. Who he always has been. You are trying to change him, to make him *be better*. I'm not saying he is not at fault. But I think you are equally at fault for the situation you find yourself in. He is who he is. You want him to be someone else. And now you're frustrated and losing patience because he's not becoming *better* despite your best efforts.

I think if you truly want to improve your marriage (not improve him specifically) then you should look into counselling for yourself. Pick through why you ended up married to this man, and why you feel the need to change him. Look at your own history, your faults and failings and address those in the context of living a happier life with your husband. Not some imaginary man you think he could be. A change in you, in your attitude, in your actions, could elicit a change in him. What you have been attempting so far hasn't worked. So maybe instead of looking out trying to change him, you need to look in and change yourself.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119246002#Comment_119246002

We love in spite of certain usually bad traits, not for certain good traits. You don't need to work so hard to conceal yourself. That what you are trying to hide so hard needs to be loved the most in you. If you were able to accept yourself, you would be able to accept another imperfect human being - your husband.

We are practically our shortcomings. If we all were ideal, we would be the same, like clones. We differ because of our imperfections unique just for us. If you embrace the fact that you are imperfect human being, you will stop trying to make other people "better", which is usually our projection on others. You try to make your husband better, because of your own need to be a better person. So simply focus on accepting yourself fully and let your husband be himself. We really can't help others. We can only create friendly conditions to let them develop in their own way and don't disturb this process. You need to trust that people usually want to be better for their own satisfaction. He is an adult man ffs!

There is great book about self-compassion by Kristin Neff. We all need a lot of it.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119245825#Comment_119245825

This 🙌 if someone said to me 'oops you forgot to do the rest of it', I would find that quite condescending, assumptuous and a little judgemental, you might not have meant it that way but that's how I would interpret it, I think saying it like 'did you get a chance to do the job or how's the cleaning(or whatever the job is) coming along?' is a more respectful way of asking.

I think communication is very important here. The fact you don't know where he goes and you haven't asked him also suggests communication problems. However you have tried to learn more about him and why he is the way he is with direct questions so it's a mixed bag. Trust issues seem to be problematic aswell, which I understand, based on his experience of keeping things from you/bending the truth perhaps.

You don't sound happy in your relationship OP and I do hope you can have a real conversation with your husband about that. I know you say you don't want to give up on him or us but it takes 2 to build a relationship. So is he willing to put the work in for your relationship because you can only do and control so much, you can't control other people. I wonder with his low self esteem if he's sensitive and its about how you put things to him that can make a difference or not. I also wonder if the recent weight gain was due to covid but it sounds like he has mental health difficulties as you mentioned previous depression so it does sound like he could benefit from talking to someone he can trust about how he's feeling (you say he has no friends but maybe family or a trusted colleague or GP) but then again there maybe other reasons at play.

Hope things work out OP, relationships can definitely have there ups and downs but if you've been feeling this way for the last few years since you married, then I agree with your friend, you only get one life, and life is short, and time flies by, taking action as soon as you can is highly recommended, whether that is to try repair the relationship, accept it for what it is and/or move on and try find new happiness. Its great that you have insight into your own worries of being alone and with your views that marriage is for life, both which may reinforce why you're staying in this relationship. But you've also invested a lot into this relationship, the time now is to figure out what to do next and take appropriate action. Best of luck!

lafemmequirit

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119246804#Comment_119246804

Really think there's a lot of wisdom in this- thanks. As I said, I'm not perfect and my husband knows this. He's aware of my history of PTSD and my ongoing therapy. I'm really grateful for all the words of wisdom. We're all damaged people in one way or another. I suppose the message I get from this is to not be judgmental and to have compassion. It helps to hear the views of complete strangers. I do love my husband and, importantly, I realise he loves me. Marriage is tough, but I think that life is. Thanks again everyone.😏

Wanderer78

apologies, but ive only skimmed over your post, it sounds like your husband is suffering from mental health issues such as depression, he probably needs professional help at this stage, as there maybe disorders at play, you wont solve this, he needs help, but he will need support from close loved ones, but of course you must also protect your own well being in all of this. his or your gp is your first port of call, best of luck

lafemmequirit

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119246451#Comment_119246451

Just for background, the 'oops you forgot to do the other half' referred to scanning of a document. It was said contemporaneously as I picked up the 2 page document from his scanner and was about to leave the room. I realised only 1 page had scanned. It was a click of a button in his study as my scanner was not working. Context is everything.

daithi7

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119247405#Comment_119247405

Yes, OP long term relationships such as marriage can be tough at times, and they do need constant work, on ourselves, on understanding & communication mostly. However relationships (&life) are not sentences to endured, but joint corporative organic enterprises to be enjoyed and to add real companionship & meaning to our lives. I hope ye can get to that level again in your relationship, good luck!!

Katgurl

He flies off the handle, storms out, sulks, lies, is unreliable with finances, shouts at you, denies you a sex life and children. And he's doing nothing to address these issues.

And you are in the wrong for saying something that could be interpreted as condescending? Ok then.

OP your friend is right, you only get one life. If you want to spend it being unhappy then stay with this bully.

Otherwise leave asap. How old are you? I hope you haven't missed the chance to have children.

Katgurl

Are posters actually suggesting OP should not have assumed him scanning half a document was a mistake? She should have said nothing to avoid immasculating him and waited patiently for him to figure it out. If that day never came that's her burden to bear, perhaps she could get some therapy to explore why she needed that second page of the document scanned.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119247445#Comment_119247445

I don't understand the context. You wanted to scan something but yours isn't working, why didn't you just ask him if you could use his?

I don't know anything about you, him or your relationship, so maybe his study may be his considered sanctuary, but doesn't look the case.

Was he busy doing something else and quite simply didn't get to finish the favour you asked him to do? And it was a favour.

The way you asked the question and in my opinion it wasn't a question would have got my goat up. I could have thought of a couple responses on the spot. I'm sure you didn't intentionally mean it as such, but it does comes across as passive aggressive and demeaning.

I'm not blaming you, as I think there's two of you in it and we've only heard one side. The shouting at you is not on. Do you raise your voice to him?

The mass and medical issues I hope he'll seek the advice of a proper medical professional. It maybe he is embarrassed and feeling forlorn. But he has to make this decision. You can't drag a horse to water. I'm sure you're very supportive, but he needs to do this for himself.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119247684#Comment_119247684

No, posters are not suggesting that. It was only the post before yours that OP clarified what the task was.

It doesn't change the overall issue in her marriage though. OP clearly thinks she is better than her husband, and is trying to change him to *be better* (her words) too.

OP, one incident of scanning/not scanning a document is not the major issue in your relationship. I assume, for your husband, that you are frustrating to live with because you "know best". It can be very difficult living with a person who thinks they are superior to you. Who thinks you are a project that they need to change and improve. It leads to the person almost giving up. What's the point is doing/saying something because the other person is going to find fault or suggest a better way of doing it.

This isn't just about scanning a document. This is about your approach to marriage with your husband. I do hope you look into some counselling for yourself. You have admitted to being Co-dependent. You have admitted to ignoring warning signs and ploughing ahead regardless. You have admitted to feeling you could change an adult man into what you think he should be. That's all on you. And that's a situation you are forcing on him, and then blaming him for not producing the results you are looking for. Acceptance of your husband for the person he is is likely to lead to him not always having this back up and getting defensive at every discussion. If acceptance isn't possible then you will have to look honestly at separating and both going off to live the lives you choose. Ultimately you would probably both end up much happier.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119247684#Comment_119247684

No, I was suggesting that even, if it was a mistake, OP assumed it was her husband fault, while she might have said it not clearly enough. There is a great book "Non-violent communication" in which the author in conflicting situation suggests to ask what the receiver heard him saying. Because we all code messages differently, so what is said and what is heard might be two different things completely. Yet OP again jumped to a conclusion that her husband was lying, not that it might have been simply misunderstanding with no fault attached.

Bobtheman

He should get help for himself pure and simple. Having had some issues myself it came down to this - did I want to stay married or not and if I did I had to get help. I got help.

You are entitled to ask him to change even if this was going on before you married.

Asking a guy to see a doctor is not that big a deal nor a few sessions with a councelor.

If he wants to stay married he will try. It's that simple. If he values you.

If this fails then you talk to a councelor and work out your options.

Big Bag of Chips

If he wants to stay married he will try. It's that simple. If he values you.

Marriage problems are rarely the fault of one person. So if you expect your husband to change then you have to be prepared to also change. Change how you communicate with him. Change how you view him. Regardless of this one isolated incident it is obvious that you see him as a project. Something to be worked on and moulded into your idea of what's ideal.

You are never going to reach that. Some changes might come, but he'll never be perfect or ideal. Would you be OK with that?

lafemmequirit

To explain, I asked if he'd scan a document for me and asked email it to me as my scanner wasn't working, please. So yes, it was indeed a favour. He has his work to do in his study and I have mine. No, I do not raise my voice to him - ever. At twice my weight and twice my strength I am well aware that this is a pointless endeavor. We went there about eight years ago- I'd never seen a man screaming at a woman with such anger and, boy, did I scream back that time! I was terrified and should have left, but I stayed. Of course, as a survivor of emotional abuse, this looked like true love to me and I became determined to marry him. Although to be fair, I didn't exactly drag him up the aisle it kicking and screaming. He still asked me, even if I floated the idea. I honestly do appreciate your time in giving your thoughts, @Big Bag of Chips .I'll add, in the interests of transparency, that I am in therapy & have been for a long time. There are two sides (but I know it's difficult when you only hear one and have to imagine the other). I'm not superior- I know I'm not. In fact I ended up apologising to *him* after reading the different views expressed here😅. I'm back at work tomorrow, as we both travel for our work so I'll get a lot of time for more ruminating on all the different thoughts. We both work in quite a male dominated industry and I've actually received a promotion which gives me a title where most people assume I'm a man. This is why I said earlier that I'm not the typical 'little woman who can't get away'. This little bird *has* wings. They just are a little broken. Thanks again all.😌

Jequ0n

I am finding it quite difficult to follow your arguments and justifications. Maybe it’s just me. Ironically that’s probably how confusing my own perceptions usually seem to others.

Maybe discuss it with your therapist who probably has a clearer picture of your relationship and background than people in this forum.

Some of us are unable to have healthy relationships. That includes me too, so I hope you don’t read this as criticism. Maybe ask yourself if you have ever had a healthy relationship and whether it is possible having one given your condition.

Good luck.

[Deleted User]

What jumps out to me is he may have an underlying physiological/medical issue, not only a psychological one. I think a visit to the doctor is well in order, though getting men to see a physician is like trying to train a cat to obey orders. More often they come to medical attention when they are involuntarily landed in A&E.

I do hope things can improve for you, and that any underlying issue is something you both can manage.

JoChervil

OP, I find your explanations more and more disturbing as well.

No, I do not raise my voice to him - ever. At twice my weight and twice my strength I am well aware that this is a pointless endeavor.

So, if he was your size or smaller, you would?

I mean, people who don't do something only because of difference of sizes and not because it is a wrong thing to do, might still give themselves permission to abuse others in a more covert way.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119247657#Comment_119247657

Nail on the head.

You're young OP, financially independent and no children. What is keeping you in this situation where you admit you are walking on egg shells?

You can't change someone else, only yourself and your husband has told you in plain English he won't change (ie he won't get medication or therapy or at least explore if he needs it).

He has told you that this is the life you are in for.

He also told you that he didn't really want marriage, again in plain English but you ignored that flag.

There's no blame.

You're just 2 different people and you have to decide if you walk or accept that he doesn't see anything wrong with his life and accept this is the marriage you will be in until one of you die.

Sono

Sorry to read what you’re going through OP, has anyone suggested he could have a gambling addiction? Covered up previous debt, goes off for hours and you’ve no idea where he is, low mood and seems a bit of a loner, ticks a lot of boxes…..