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Why don't Irish people befriend foreigners?

ardatr

First of all, Happy Easter everyone!

I'm asking because I'm really curious about a subject: Why are the Irish not willing to make friends with foreigners? You are really kind in casual conversations. You are also very helpful and caring. I am really lucky in this regard, I feel at home. However, in long-term friendships, I observe that Irish people prefer their own and local environment. As a foreigner, I don't have a single close Irish friend when I look around me. I have been living and working in this country for three years. I know many Irish people, but none of them are close friends. Most of my close friends are foreigners like me.

My theory on this is that the Irish may not yet feel comfortable and safe with immigrants. However, I am sure that your views will enlighten me further.

Thanks in advance!

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[Deleted User]

I'm Irish, I have a very good friend for 15 years now from Romania.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118943552#Comment_118943552

I don't think that's a fair assessment to be honest. As others have mentioned, it's simply a combination of being busy, have existing relationships, and the result of the fast-paced society in which we live today. Most people can scarcely maintain existing friendships, without extending themselves to get acquainted with people passing through Ireland for a few years.

Having said that, I have a foreign colleague who really wants to settle here but has had a torrid time trying to make Irish friends. I do like him, but I'm married with young kids, have a large extended family, plus a few close friends, and just do not have time to realistically become friends with him. I suspect many Irish people are the same.

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118943621#Comment_118943621

I did say some, not all and acknowledged that all the reasons given here are valid.

FFVII

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118939303#Comment_118939303

Get a life will ya

FFVII

As mentioned, meet outside of work or theirs no hope.

People you work with aint your friend.

Apiarist

As was said by others in the thread, it's much more difficult to find friends as an adult, and this is not unique to Ireland. My best friends are from my primary school years. I am here 20+ years, but most friends that I met in Ireland are from my first few years doing a degree in UCC. With work and family commitments one would naturally have less time to mingle and make friends and that is normal.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118942735#Comment_118942735

All 26,000,000 Aussies are an absolute dose.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118943552#Comment_118943552

That's because, generally, they are different. Tends to happen when people are brought up under a different culture, and range of values. I wouldn't consider that to be any kind of xenophobia, and is pretty standard wherever you are in the world, with the exception of particularly diverse concentrated areas in larger cities.

Most of my friends would be foreign.. although that's mostly because I've spent so long abroad, and haven't had much in the way of opportunities to meet other Irish people since I returned. However, TBH, I've never been one to have more than a few friends, and the remainder being more the case of casual acquaintances.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118940813#Comment_118940813

We are clannish, let's not be so precious about it being identified

But so too are most other nationalities whether they're abroad or in the own countries. Oh, sure, people are friendly in various social settings, but usually there's a reserve that needs to be broken through before there's any real chance at a genuine friendship, and most just drift apart to being social media contacts.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944727#Comment_118944727

We were a very rural people until relatively recently, keeping land in the family was important so you only married stock you knew so you didn't have any desire to mingle with those who's grandparents you couldn't name

Terry

I don't like anyone. That's my reason.

I'm 46 years old. I've already made all the friends that I'm going to make.

One is English, if that counts.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944746#Comment_118944746

Err.. times have changed.. a long time since. My mother is from Carlow, and my father from near Carraroe. Sure, many people do marry locally, but what you describe has been on the way out for a rather long time. TBH, there's a lot of stereotyping and possibly 'romantic' nonsense involved too.

It bears remembering that a decent chunk of Irish people by the 30s/40s didn't have any land, because it had already been distributed within the family before them. My grandfather got his land from working for a elderly distant cousin, until he kicked the bucket, and that put him in a position to get married.. in his late 40s. Which was a reasonable age in those days, because most men didn't have land themselves, and had to work for it....

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944727#Comment_118944727

Yes, there are obviously cultural differences. Perhaps it would have been better to say that a minority feel superior to non-Irish nationals. I've no doubt you'll find similar the world over.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944827#Comment_118944827

Oddly enough, I've always felt that Irish people (at least, around my generation) had something of an inferiority complex when it came to people from other countries. Haven't seen this superiority you refer to. Guess I need to get out more. Is this a Dublin thing?

Strumms

The long term friends I’ve made were either growing up and from my immediate area or from college…. so Irish, with the exception of one English guy from my job we were good pals but he’s back in London about 5 years..

i don’t befriend foreigners because I don’t meet any with the exception of some of my girlfriends friends.

in a job I was in, the employee demographic was diverse and everyone got along…. French, Brazilian, English, Polish, Czech, Spanish, Italians.. a good relationship between line staff but…

if a social night out was being organised…where we were all on our own dime….about a ten percent turnout…. From the above…loads of Irish didn’t bother too…mind you.

But in the days that the Xmas party was paid for by the job and the Awards night out too, everyone Is there…

effort needs to be forthcoming from both sides… wasn't always.

PalLimerick

OP you will get lots of theories here on why Irish People don't befriend foreigners some bordering on excuses. Been honest some just don't want to. They have no interest. That's the simple harsh truth. I come in to contact with People from other Countries very very regular. I chat to them, think they're decent people, by the jobs they do they add to Irish society in a positive way. But the cold truth I have no interest in been personal close friends with them. Our cultures don't go together to be that close in my opinion.

Then you have cases like Aisling Murphy and the two men in Sligo and rightly or wrongly that makes People warey.

[Deleted User]

I have a few foreign friends but a lot have moved back to their home countries and it is a bit disappointing to invest a lot of time in getting to know people who don't stay around for more than a couple of years. I'll be friendly now but a bit less eager to become good friends with someone who I don't think will be living in Ireland in 2 years.

rock22

I am Irish and I moved about 150 miles within Ireland over 40 years ago. I live in a rural area. i have acquired a few acquaintances but no friends in all that time. Irish people are very clannish and distrustful of foreigners and 'blow-ins' unfortunately.

My neighbours have never invited me into their homes, although a few have visited me in mine. I would say to stay in Dublin as there is a better social mix there and better opportunities to meet people.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944860#Comment_118944860

It’s not a Dublin thing. That poster is trying to insinuate something sinister, that does not exist. He couches it under terms like ‘a minority’ or ‘I didn’t say all Irish’, but his motives are very transparent.

I lived abroad for 10 years myself. It’s hard to make friends as an adult everywhere. This is not unique to Ireland and is entirely unconnected to a superiority complex.

OP, you’re unlikely to make close friends at work unless you unexpectedly land in a very social environment. Your best bet is sports or hobbies groups. However, be aware that many people will be there to train or do the activity and aren’t necessarily looking for friends.

It’s not always easy, but that’s one of the downsides of migrating as an adult. In my view, the only true way of integrating deeply into another culture as an adult, is if you marry a local.

JimmyVik

I'll befriend anyone who wants to befriend me. I have loads of "foreigner" friends.

gladvimpaker

One of my best friends is from Tenarife, my other close friend is from England and half Polish and half Indian. His father was from Poland and mother from India.

I've good friends both Irish and non Irish , don't feel left out, maybe join a group like hiking or if you have a hobby find like minded people or clubs.

wylo

Lots of reasons OP, I’d say the main one which has been pointed out here already which is adults tend not to naturally become good friends with each other unless they spend a huge amount of time together, Ive a feeling that is worldwide. I would be surprised this day in age that this happens with people in their college years, but if it it does, its likely because Irish people are more focused on socialising in the pub/club at that age and foreigners arent as into getting wasted. Irish people also probably assume (unfairly) that the foreigner has their own life going on with their own friends.

The whole thing doesnt happen out of any badness, I think saying we're clannish etc is simplifying things and also being hard on Irish culture.We are probably shyer than we care to admit.

Again though, I would say the primary reason is that adults after college years are really not that good at making friends with each other.

Amadan Dubh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118940813#Comment_118940813

I agree with this. So many Irish people spend the vast majority of their socialising with school friends and this group is practically impenetrable for an outsider. I'd be curious whether many foreigners or even spouses/partners have even penetrated into school friends' groups which also touches on another problem with Irish people; often men only socialise with men and women only with women. Couples socialising doesn't seem to be that common.

One point on the OP being from Turkey which I haven't seen mentioned yet is to do with the possibility the OP does not drink alcohol. Irish people tend to get bamboozled when met with the prospect of socialising with a new person who doesn't drink.

thefallingman

is there such a thing as close friends at 27, an acquaintance perhaps but that's it. Close friends are a thing for the very young

whisky_galore

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944946#Comment_118944946

It used be a thing in the past where, by and large mature men, used call in on each others houses to tell yarns and play cards, a sort of non pub, pre mens shed thing. Of course if you did this nowadays you'd be asked what brought you.

Back on topic, have heaps of non irish friends through leisure activity, I do find a lot of them stick around for only a short time and move on, usually back home. I don't see that as an excuse for not making friends with them in the first place. A small number have set down roots with a house but then there's kids and the socialising tends to cease just the same as the Irish.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118945062#Comment_118945062

It is normal enough though. You make good friends through shared experiences and doing things together. As an adult there is none of the experiences that build deep friendships such as playing sports together with the highs and lows, nights spent on the chase, holidays together where you get into all sorts of blurry trouble. I knew the guys I hung around with in my teens and 20s (although I have lost contact with all of them for one reason are another) better than I know anyone else in the world as what we had was completely unfiltered warts and all. We went through all sorts of stuff together including a death of one of them. I know I could tell them anything and not be judged too harshly for it.

You do not get that with an adult relationship as you won't have these shared experiences and opening yourself up too much creates a potential power imbalance whereby you may overshare and be judged. You can never have that deep bond that you create in your younger years as your life is more safe and comfortable and not lived so much on the edge.

Most of the 'friends' I have now are just accidental in that they are parents of other kids who my kids happen to hang around with. They come and go. They are fine while they are there but once gone I couldn't say I really miss them yet I do miss the guys I hung out with at school.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118945086#Comment_118945086

I don't think the OP being foreign has anything to do with his struggle, if he was from Cork and living in Tipperary, he'd have the same problem

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118945062#Comment_118945062

We are extremely clannish, there is no over simplification and we aren't shy ,shy cultures aren't comfortable talking skin deep shallow sh1te like comes natural to us

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944924#Comment_118944924

The last paragraph is incredibly stupid

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118944860#Comment_118944860

No, not a Dublin thing. I'm not a Dub but I've seen this attitude from some people. Maybe it is inferiority masked as superiority though?