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How can I spice it up?

[Deleted User]

Hey I’m looking for some views and advice on sex with your partner.

Been with my BF for over a year. I love him but our sex drives are different. Mine is higher. When we do have sex, it’s become kinda predictable. Kissing, Oral, 2 positions if he stays hard and he goes to sleep. Whereas I would keep going. I love sex and want him but never feel like he gives me enough (physically or emotionally - compliments in the bedroom) and I don’t feel desired by him or that “hunger”/passion from him. (Hope that part makes sense) I communicate, try different positions, sexy lingerie.

I wanted to try sexting with him when we are apart to build up some anticipation and excitement but I don’t know how because I’ve sent one or two sultry pics to try and kick it off but the response was a bit flat and knocked my confidence and kinda felt embarrassed- So it put me off.

Any advice ? Thanks everyone!

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Pinoy adventure

Try swinging.

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869507#Comment_118869507

In the (unlikely) event that he doesn't thing there's anything wrong, there's still hope.

It's when he knows you're not happy, but still isn't inclined to change things to make it better for you, that there's no hope.

The only way to go about resolving this is to sit him down and have that serious conversation about you not feeling wanted and not feeling satisfied.

It won't be comfortable for either of you, but you need to do it to try and save a relationship that seems worth saving apart from this.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870376#Comment_118870376

I’m not trying to create emotions artificially. It doesn’t help that we both live apart, work full time, both have stressful jobs.

I understand what people are saying here but I’m also looking for advice and ideas to create excitement and bring the lust back to a relationship that may be slipping into the comfort zone sooner than I’d like.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870410#Comment_118870410

From his point of view, you are trying to create emotions artificially. We don't know what's going on with your boyfriend but if he's a vanilla, 2-minutes-in-missionary sort of person, what you're attempting won't be his bag at all. You seem to think that if you can "get him started" that you'll be at it like rabbits. I doubt this plan will work, unless there are other issues at play here.

Dial Hard

You say you're trying to bring these things back but tbh it doesn't sound like they were ever there to begin with. This is why people are telling you to just talk to the man about the issue rather than trying to skirt around it with sexts and flirty pics and surprise oral. With the best will in the world, none of those things can ever bring back something that was never there in the first place. It's like meeting an amputee and expecting them to grow back a limb if they just try hard enough.

You need to sit down together and really talk. And not before, during or after sexy time either.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870410#Comment_118870410

I’m not trying to create emotions artificially

TBH it seem like that's exactly what you are trying to do.

You are trying to figure out out to get your other half to be more intimate and interested in sex, other than once a week.

It doesn’t help that we both live apart, work full time, both have stressful jobs.

Unfortunately, there is no greater passion killer than the realities of life itself

Some would consider once a week frequent.

Ill stick to my original point, passion is organic, I don't think it can be artificially created

Esse85

I admire the OP for looking for a solution to make this work.

I think you need to find out is he spending his sexual energy elsewhere e.g. on porn and therefore doesn't make as much effort with you, or maybe he's just not that sexual a person and therefore that's where compatibility comes into play.

Tork

Do you know if this guy had previous girlfriends? If he's sexually inexperienced and has hang-ups about sex, someone adventurous would be scary.

oceanman

maybe you have an over active sex drive and he just struggles to keep up with you...just a thought.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870556#Comment_118870556

How do I find out? I can’t just roll up after more than a year and ask? Can I? It’s out of the blue as far as he’s concerned?

I would be lying if I said I didn’t suspect he was spending his sexual energy elsewhere. He’s constantly exhausted and lethargic when i comes to having sex with me.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870607#Comment_118870607

No I don’t. I’m not obsessed. I’m just fit and energetic, sexually attracted to my partner. I just expect the same effort back.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

Of course you can. By that logic, you wouldn't be able to talk about *any* issue after a set amount of time. There's no statute of limitations on these things.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

Could it be a general fitness / exhaustion issue? Do he do physical work, or long commutes or anything else that would explain him being just very tired and exhausted? I don't think you mentioned ages. If ye are in your 20s, you'd generally expert more physical action in all aspects of life, including sex.

Jequ0n

It sounds like sex with you doesn’t particularly excite him, so there is a chance that your sex doesn’t fulfil his needs. It could be that he is into something that he thinks will shock you or turn you off. It’s a pity that he refuses to even discuss this with you because it means he has no interest in changing anything.

A discussion on favourite porn type etc could actually be helpful in finding out what exactly turns him on. His general reluctance to discuss sex means that he will probably be guarded and not disclose anything that he obviously considers embarrassing, but you could try by sharing your own favourites first.

So in short I can think of many things/ teases that work on me, but this won’t mean it will work on your bf because you have no idea what his needs are.

Tork

OP did you post about this recently? It's all starting to sound very familiar.

[Deleted User]

Doggy, oral, anal, tween the boobs, the legs the buttocks, you on top. Oral back to front, on a chair, on the floor, against a wall, in the shower, vigorous hand job, playing with toys, dressing in whatever turns him on (maybe not your thing) Have these been explored?

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

Of course you can.

You're in this relationship now for more than a year, the lack of sex and desire is causing an issue for you.

Looking for ideas to spice it up isn't going to help. It is possible that he has some kind of fetish that he hasn't shared with you out of nerves or embarrassment and that that is why he often can't stay hard, and that if you try lots of ideas to spice it up you might find out the fetish.... but the problem with that kind of thing is that if it is a fetish he'd be hyper focused on that one thing and you more than likely wouldn't end up having a fun varied sex life anyway!

But it probably isn't that, you really just need to discuss it with him and ask him if sex is important to him, ask him if he feels desired and tell him that you don't. Discuss libido and ask if he masturbates. You have to just be honest and ask the questions that you want answers to and see where the conversation takes you.

You mentioned a few times that he might think it's weird that you bring this up now, it's not at all, couples everywhere have these conversations and at all different times in their relationship, early on, a year in, 20 years in!

You also have to be aware that often in these situations you won't get complete honesty, people with low libido or ED are sometimes embarrassed etc. so if after you feel you have a productive chat his actions aren't matching up to his words then you need to accept you're probably never going to be sexually compatible and would probably be better off ending the relationship.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

If it's been more than a year, you're well within your right to make a few kinky suggestions. Encourage him to make some of is own. You might even out find that he doesn't know either, but that's where the fun starts :)

Start out with the more "traditional ones" like tying up or even new locations - it's almost summer, you're on an island with a lot of isolated countrsides open beaches....

Liberty_Bear

There are a number of ways that you could spice it up

I love role play - in which we set a scenario. Ive done doctor and patient, employer employee and other scenarios. All consensual based but I give them a few minutes to get into character. You might also dress up or hm.

There is also bondage (mild bondage) which one of you takes control, one is tied up and you agree a safe word for one of you to exit the scenario. Builds trust.

Verbal - if he is just into the two positions and is vanilla in that way, some verbal talk - from downright sleazy to adoration might help. Some like to be degraded, some like to be built up - speak with your partner on it.

Toys - vibrators, dildos, cock rings, etc can all be purchased online.

Porn - share an evening where you watch porn like a movie - popcorn and find something you mutually enjoy and let his frustration build up

These are things Ive done in the past - hope it works out

Dial Hard

I think the people falling over themselves to share how kinky they are are rather putting the cart before the horse here. Based on what the OP has old us, springing any of that on her partner is just going to cause him to withdraw even more, imo.

California Dreamer

Should you really be having to make this effort after a year together?

How old are you both?

At what stage do you just say to yourself that you are incompatible and move on?

Goodigal

I agree with Dial Hard. If you're not tearing each other's clothes off, and never have been, this discussion isn't going to kick start that. You're well established in the pattern already.

You might just have to accept you're sexually incompatible and ask yourself if you're ok with that, and embrace all other aspects of the relationship if he makes you happy.

Hopefully you can talk it out with him. Good luck!

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118874036#Comment_118874036

Yes I agree with this. It could also come across as coercive and if OP were a man it would come across as sex-pest like. "It's been like this from the start, I've tried lots of things, tried initiating in the car and outdoors etc, it's awkward to talk to her about it"...... "how about buying her toys? tying her up?"

No! The only answer is to talk!!

Maybe people should remember there's people on the other side of this thread, if the OP were to take some of this advice she could cause a lot of distress to her boyfriend (from what she has told us we have no reason to assume he would be into the suggestions offered).......and she's just likely to be rejected by him anyway so the advice helps no one.

Again, the only answer is to talk!

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118874400#Comment_118874400

Yeah - I didn’t think of it that way and the pressure it may put on someone. Thanks.

I guess I’m trying to improve things and be proactive - do something because he doesn’t talk about our sex life.

marilynrr

@kitkat7

He's going to have to start talking about it because you deserve honest conversations about it, if not you have to take that as your answer and decide if you want to put up with this kind of sex life!

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118875317#Comment_118875317

Look, being honest, anytime I’ve tried dirty talk or asking sexy/suggestive questions, he’s laughed at me while we are making out. I feel stupid as a result and cringey. I just want to feel and viewed as sexy ….and wanted. For example, during foreplay, I tell him without prompt how sexy or hot he his. When it comes to me, I have to pull it out of him and ask.

It’s not nice to be laughed at when you’re putting yourself out there.

cuttingtimber22

There is a thread about open relationships. Going elsewhere for the spice may be an option. But depends on whether that is your cuppa and whether you can make that work with the relationship.

marilynrr

@kitkat7

Don't do it from a dirty talk or sexy/suggestive perspective.

You need real, honest, relationship talk. This is an issue that is affecting your relationship and affecting you, so you should approach it in a serious way. You already tried it the other way.

laoisgem

What age group are you in OP? sorry if i've missed this

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118874036#Comment_118874036

There is going to have to be a conversation, what I am suggesting are things she can put to him (if he is approachable of course!)