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Should I run now

[Deleted User]

I have just found out that my partner is getting and sending texts from someone she used to have casual sex with, don't get me wrong we all have history. The problem they are texting each other now even when we are sitting on the same couch saying how great it was I've been down this road before, first its these texts then it will be agreeing to meet for a coffee then a drink with "old work friend", then it will be "I'm staying with my friend I had too much to drink", do I confront her or just say good luck to them and not end up doin something more serious.

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spaceHopper

Did she do this before to you or was it somebody else. I'd say it to her and ask her if she was you what would she think or expect? But it's a very bad sign. I'd be thinking about an exit, do you have kids or house together....

Smiley283

To give you appropriate advice I would like some more background information..

what age are you both?

How long have you been together?

Do you live together? Do you have a mortgage or children etc?

Has your relationship turbulent or secure up until the present day?

Do you keep in contact with any of your exs?

How did you find out about the texts? Is she open about texting them or did you go through her phone and find out about the texts?

YellowLead

Texting about normal things not so bad but if they are specifically talking about how great the sex was that’s deffo alarming and needs a conversation.

presumably if you call this person your partner it’s not a super new thing that’s only a few months old and not declared exclusive yet. As another poster asked is everything else great with you guys or things iffy in general?

MayaMaya

She’s sitting beside you, texting and reminiscing fondly about sex with another man?

That’s an unforgivable level of disrespect in my opinion.

I couldn’t stay.

manonboard

You should definitely leave. I mean this in a very respectful way. Either your partner is absolutely disrespecting you and cheating on you if you are correct, or you are wrong and you are in a relationship were you think your partner would sit on a chair beside you doing one of the most disrespectful actions i could imagine.. and you are on the internet rather than talking to them.

Either way, it sounds like this is a bad dynamic for anyone to be in. So you should leave because you deserve a better life for yourself.. You need to work on yourself for even tolerating the idea of this being acceptable, regardless of whether it is true or not.

airy fairy

A bit disrespectful to be texting someone about how great the sex was back in the day don't you think?

Actually, I think you already know.

While the past shouldn't be hidden and it's good to be open about it, discussing the sex is a leap too far.

Run.

Jequ0n

How do you know the content of the messages? Have you seen them or has she told you?

AyeGer

To put in in the simplest term RUN.

Goodigal

Ask her what's going on. Easiest way to find out. Even if it could be the beginning of the end.

Also wondering how you know the extent of the chats too.

NiceFella

OP,

Your instincts are spot on, get out and get yourself a partner with a bit of cop on. Itll end badly if you stay with this person.

Liberty_Bear

If the contents of the text messages are speaking about how great the sex was and she is tell you this, then you have to ask why she feels the need to tell you. Any approach to this should take the form (if it were me in your shoes) of explaining how these messages are both inappropriate and undermine your confidence in both how you feel about the relationship and how her attitude to you is unacceptable. Do not let anyone invalidate how you feel. Were your gf to brush this off I would be thinking of both giving an ultimatum and an exit strategy for yourself. I dont mean to make this sound like a game either. The other option is counselling if she cannot see why her behaviour is unacceptable. Then again if she is remorseful or agrees to stop then you might have some thoughts about saving the relationship

POBox19

Sit down for a talk. Let her know how you feel and ask her if she would block the other person's number to end the texts. If she refuses ask what is more important, working on the relationship she has now or an ex. The replies will show you the way to go.

But don't worry if you do decide to go, because she has one foot in the door already.

thefallingman

Run forest run

CreadanLady

These situations are actually simple enough to sort out.

You are either OK with it or you are not.

If you OK with it then no problem. If you are not OK with it, and discussion doesn't resolve it, then you dump her.

And if they have been chatting, the chances are they have already rode.

[Deleted User]

We are in our 40's and been together and living together for 4 years. We have rough times like everybody. No I don't be in touch with my ex's they are deleted and blocked as they are ex's for the same reason that seems to be happening here. I don't look through her phone I don't even know or want to know her password, the phone pinged while it was beside me and I just looked down and seen a few words and the guys name.

[Deleted User]

El Tarangu

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118832485#Comment_118832485

that changes things a little - the text might have been out of the blue. I was texted by a former flame before who was feeling nostalgic while in her cups (she was in a relationship at this stage, I was not) - I pointed out to her that this was not on, and she texted me the next day to apologise, and that was the end of it.

Neyite

I've had a few ex's crawl out of the woodwork. I'm wise to them now and just ignore and never reply. But in the beginning the friendly get-in-touch and catch-up chat seemed innocent enough so you don't realise what they have come sniffing around for.

I don't delete the messages I got because I've nothing to hide. If my partner asked to see my phone, I'd unlock it and hand it over immediately. My relationship with him is far more important in my life than maintaining the privacy of a random ex, so it's a no brainer. It's happened the other way too. Partner's phone flashed up a girls name and the first few words of a sentence and it looked dodgy. He unlocked there and then to show me that it was a woman from work, in a group whatsapp and the rest of the message content was entirely work-related and appropriate.

The key here is whether or not she's responding in kind. For that, I think you need to sit down and ask for an honest chat. Tell her you saw what flashed up on her phone and ask her if you can read those messages. If she's evasive, or if she wants time alone with her phone first then it may be that she does have something to hide and you can make a decision based on that. But talk to her first.

[Deleted User]

She texts her old flame while sitting beside me. I blocked all mine just to show I'm only interested in her. Thank god I have morals.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118913213#Comment_118913213

Blocking your exes and deciding that you are the only one in the relationship with morals isn't going to solve your problem though. Your relationship sounds doomed TBH.