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Feeling like a disappointment, a let down and just downright broken

BrokenGal

Hi,

I don't really know where to begin. I'm mid 30s. Living at home with my mother. I'm female. I got involved with a guy over a year and a half ago. From day one I should have known to steer clear. I have a turbulent relationship with my mother. She's an alcoholic and she undermines me/makes snide remarks all the time and will then flat out deny them/twist the story.

This guy has a drink problem which I didn't realise was sooo bad. Every logical part of my being knows I should have avoided. But for some reason I've just got stuck in this situation where I keep spending time with him.

I sometimes escape with him to get away from my mother who will then give me a hard time and b***h about me to all and sundry for going off with him etc.

Things have got really bad recently to the point where I am drinking in excess and going missing with him. I am filled with anxiety going home. I have been told he is doing drugs behind my back other stories which are just coming out of the wood work. I normally have good instincts but my gut with him I just cannot suss out the truth. I don't know what is wrong with me that I keep giving him time.

My mother has kind of turned people against me now in this situation. She tells me she's caught him out in lies but the stories she refers to I have heard first hand and she's lying.

I have family that I adore and look up to on my mams side. She has been giving them information about this situation behind my back. I'm now dreading seeing them as I feel so ashamed that i've been drinking so much, letting myself down, other people down and mostly them.

I have never really spoken to them about this guy and now i'm sure they think i'm being dishonest. They are the last people in the world that I would want to be dishonest with.

I have had this guy's friends and family verbally abuse me, saying i'm a narcissist, im mentally abusing him etc.

My self esteem is now in the gutter and i'm left feeling like i'm the worst person on the planet. It will break me if my family fall out with me or look at me as a disappointment

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Princess Calla

Break up with him this is not a healthy relationship.

Cut out the drink it's not good for your mental health even more dangerous when you have an alcoholic parent.

Concentrate on you and getting back on track. Don't worry about other people's opinions.

Easier said than done but if you can move out do, or else set yourself the goal to be gone in the next 12-24 months.

CrookedJack

Relationships are not meant to be this hard or cause this much stress and worry. You say your gut doesn't know about him but if you read what you wrote - there's nothing positive there. Why are you with him, apart from an escape from your mother?

I agree with the other poster you should break up with him. Seek treatment for your drinking, even if it's just having a chat with a counsellor. And definitely, if at all possible, move out of your mothers house that relationship seems toxic.

BrokenGal

Thanks for the responses. I'm more upset about the fact my family on my mams side are now aware and hate disappointing them. Also I feel like my mam is secretly loving this watching me crumble.

NSAman

Get yourself in order Missus.

cut the boyfriend out.

cut the drink out.

get out (of mams house) if you can.

being by yourself is better than living with everyone else’s BS.

stand on your own and then make peace with yourself, find out who YOU are.

then you can show those that you care for who you are. A self reliant independent woman.

as the posters above have said, this is NOT how a relationship grows and you already know it’s toxic for you especially.

you know what’s wrong already, you have to fix it for yourself. It’s not easy and will be damned difficult, but for your own self-worth change it.

wildwillow

You have taken the most important step in pinpointing your problems. Keep that clarity as you face the future.

Take the remedy a step at a time. Break off the relationship and regain your self esteem. This is a toxic relationship and you are better off alone.

Try to cut out the drinking. It doesn't help you mentally or physically and there may be a genetic tendency towards alcoholism.

Do not feel ashamed. Most people are too busy living their own lives to bother with you. Everyone has some history of making bad decisions. If you are close to someone, try to confide in them and get help to move on. They probably know your mother is not helping.

Get out of your mother's house if at all possible. If you are stuck there in the short term, try to stay out of her way and try to ignore her nastiness.

You have a long life ahead of you and now is the time to hold the reins in your own hands. You should be proud of yourself for wanting to change the circumstances.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118630027#Comment_118630027

You are living in a self made prison.

I can guarantee you that your mother’s stories will be taken with a pinch of salt and that the rest of the family probably try to stay out of it.

Why do you feel you disappointed anyone? You didn’t cause any harm and disruption? You have nothing to apologise for.

Focus on getting away from your mother and boyfriend and focus on yourself, instead of worrying what others might think.

Tell me how

You need someone who can support you to rationalise everything is going on and to make decisions with somewhat a clear head.

Could you access therapy? A good therapist could be very useful in helping you to sift through everything in a controlled manner.

A lot of the other posters have made valid points in ultimately what would likely be better for you, but you are very deep in this at the moment and having someone who could be both a support and guide you through the process would be a massive benefit.

Therapy can be a challenge to access, and can be a concern cost wise, but good therapy is most definitely worth it.

NiceFella

Hi OP,

First things first.

Forget about what your Mam and her family thinks for the moment. Finish with that guy as soon as you can, and get yourself into a good routine. Stop drinking immediately.

Have you good friends that you can talk to? Perhaps reach out to someone you feel might be able to help you. Try also to have an outlet to use your energy. Things you like to do, exercise, art etc.

As for your Mam, if you find her difficult to get along with try move out. If you can't do that , then try to not react when she is goading you into confrontation. My parents are very set in their ways and sometimes they are very difficult. I just learned to let them off on one. It became quietly amusing to me after a while. Meditation is great for this.

As for the extended family, you are likely castastrophising right now. You don't know what they think and to be honest they have their own lives to be concerned with. When I was depressed I used to think people had plenty of opinions about me. Found out years later that people were hardly thinking of me at all.

But mostly, this will take time, so be patient with yourself. You will make mistakes in the process. But just don't make the obvious ones like contacting that excuse of a BF again.

[Deleted User]

Ditch the drink, ditch the fella, ditch the ma. And start to live. There are loads of sound guys who have their act together. You're just wrecking your buzz wasting your energy on these three sets of things. Your time and your energy are the most precious things you have.

I came across this really inspirational piece of writing at the end of last year about how we need to let go of people who drain us. Perhaps you might find something in it, too. https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2018/12/next-year-let-go-of-the-people-who-arent-ready-to-love-you/

Dial Hard

Have you ever lived outside of your family/mother's home? It sounds like there may be a lot of co-dependency there, much of it possibly toxic. Have you siblings? Is your Dad around? You seem very fixated on what your mum's family think of you.

I really think you should consider counselling. It seems like you're self-sabotaging to a degree here and engaging in the very same behaviour - with your boyfriend - that you know was problematic for your mother.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118632510#Comment_118632510

I have lived at home most of my adult life, since I was 17. I made brief stints home during my college years. I had to move back because of the pandemic. My dad is long out of the picture. Siblings are younger and not on great terms with my bro. It's not that i'm fixated. It's more that they are the best support system I have and I know they never would have expected this from me. I just feel like i've let them down. Also my mum has gone behind my back and told them. She tells me I should ring my aunt but my aunt doesn't seem to be talking to me. My mum isn't aware I know she's been talking. It's almost like she's embellishing in me crumbling.

I know it's self sabotaging behaviour but it's just like I need to escape

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634421#Comment_118634421

I meant to say OUT of home.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118630169#Comment_118630169

My mother is very persuasive and gets on well with a lot of people. She has already turned multiple people against me. She makes nasty comments that pushes my buttons and then plays the victim. She's referred to me as "the runt of the litter" to my brothers friend, she's told me my brother said "my life has no meaning". I recently spoke to her about a female fertility treatment i'm pursuing. I was met with a smart sarcastic answer. And she then decided to gossip to her friend about this.

I feel like I disappointed my family by drinking too much, seeing a scumbag, not acting like myself. They've always been proud of me and i've always got on well with them.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634656#Comment_118634656

You’d be surprised how little people really care about what others do with their own lives. You can bet that most people will rather wonder about your mother’s behaviour than you dating a “scumbag”.

The problem is you are conditioned to take her bait and react in a way that allows her to play the victim card. Someone mentioned counselling which would help you to overcome this, but you really need to try to get some distance from her to be out of her reach.

She won’t change. She’ll pretend to do so to reel you back in because you are giving her something she needs.

None of this will change until you actively make changes and remove the factors in your life that are dragging you down the downward spiral.

rolling boh

You have your life ahead of you and you need to take charge of it maybe in a couple of steps but getting rid of the fella and the drink should be a start . If possible then get out of the house ASAP.i now it all sounds straight forward but you know what you need to do agree some sort of counselling could do a lot for you .The very best of luck you can make the necessary changes to give you the life you deserve.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635368#Comment_118635368

Thanks the problem is i'm being made to feel I don't deserve to be happy

rolling boh

Everybody deserves to be happy in your situation you have everything to gain by changing things you have been given some good pointers what to do by the other responses to your post .I know like a lot of things the first step is often the most difficult but you have identified the problems so it is up to you to take that first step good luck and do change things for your own good .

The DayDream

If you have an alcoholic parent you really need to be aware of the genetic component of it. And also how it will influence you in terms of partners you attract.

If you want help try Al Anon (for family members of alcoholics) or AA meetings (for those who have a problem and want to quit drinking.) You don't have to speak you can just listen to other people's shares if you like.

You can also find Zoom meetings for AA if you are nervous about being recognized at meetings in your town if it is a small place. There are also women's only meetings.

Alternatively, contact an addiction counselor which you can get some free sessions if you have medical card, your GP can refer you for this.

If you want to stop drinking, you have to say no to the FIRST drink. It's impossible to say no to the 2nd 3rd 4th when you have an issue with it so avoid the first drink is the only way to stop you getting drunk.

They call alcoholism a 'progressive' disease meaning it never gets better, only worse (unless you quit.)

You're in denial about your boyfriend and you need to cut him loose to sort yourself out. He's clearly at best a bad influence and at worst someone who is going to totally drag you down, break your heart and ruin your future. Don't wait until you're 40 to finally realize that alcoholics and addicts dont change until they really want to and do hard work on themselves. He's nowhere near that. You're probably just staying with him because you think you aren't good enough for something better. But you are.

Honestly a drinking problem at this stage in your life will end in a total rock bottom breakdown if you don't nip it in the bud now. Health problems, legal problems, ruining your reputation, ruining your looks, pissing money away week in week out, enduring massive shame and embarrassment from blackouts leading to depression - these are all the things alcohol has to offer you now, as it is long past the 'fun' stage.

I highly recommend meetings where you can meet other people especially women who will understand you and empathize with you and can give you support and advice without judgement. It's very difficult to stop on your own. Don't worry about the higher power stuff and steps you can take or leave whatever you want. Just try one and see how you feel after.

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Mod edit: Offering PMs is strictly against the Charter. Post edited accordingly. Please do not offer/request PMs on foot of a thread in PI/RI regardless how will intended.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655164#Comment_118655164

Thanks for the advice. I have been to AlAnon meetings before. Thing is I was never a big drinker. I used to run etc and wouldn't have a drink for a month if I had a run coming up. I'm just filled with stress and anxiety at the moment. I know I can better than this guy. I actually really want him to get better but I told him he's on his own now he has to do it for himself.

I'm trying to get my own place away from the town. None of my previous partners were alcoholics. I literally don't know how I got to this place. My mam ended up swinging for him with a baseball bat at the weekend. It's just nuts. I went to try talk to him at the weekend and my mother is literally hounding me. I can't leave the house for more than an hour without her messaging me for something. Yet when i'm home all I get is snide digs and feigned interest in my life. It's f***g suffocating. Even if she doesn't want me with him, I need to sort things out myself. It's very hypocritical when she's telling him he's better off without me, he'll soon see what i'm like.

Big Bag of Chips

I have had this guy's friends and family verbally abuse me, saying i'm a narcissist, im mentally abusing him etc.

You also mention pursuing fertility treatment. I assume with this man as your partner? Please, please do not bring a baby into this situation. You know he's no good for you. His family aren't good for you. If you go ahead and get pregnant his family will become your baby's family. You will be closely linked to them for the rest of your life. They will influence your child's life, opinion and attitude

You are in an awful situation and rather than drag yourself out of it you think it's easier to just get dragged into it. Yes, in the short-term going along with it and not making changes is the easier option, but long-term you are just making your very long life unbearable. Babies are cute, teenagers are tough work, and very expensive. Do you really want an alcoholic who regularly goes missing as your partner in dealing with all that?

I think you need to move out of home again. Get yourself together and be a person you're proud of. Don't worry about anyone else for the moment. You are not proud of your actions right now, so you believe others are also disapproving of you. When you become proud of yourself, you feel that others are proud of you too.

Your mother is toxic, your bf isn't great and it sounds like his family are fairly toxic themselves. Very difficult to rise when you're surrounded by all that pulling you back down. Get yourself away from those people and you will find life starts working out better for you.

HazeDoll

A lot of the time when people advice you to "get away from" a person it can sound like you're being told to cut them off completely. This can sound like an impossibly drastic step. Really the advice you're getting is to re-write the rules of the your relationship with your mother so that it's a normal functioning relationship. In this case that means establishing a little distance. Hard as it may seem you need to do what so many other people have had to do in similar situations. Get your own place, however humble it may be. This will demonstrate to yourself and your mother that you are capable of living independently.

Living independently will possibly give you the self-respect you need to ditch this fellow you're seeing. You know he's not right for you. You feel ashamed of you association with him and the shame eats away at your self-esteem which makes you continue to cling to him.

The idea of conceiving a child, from the outside, looks like a disaster. You are not an equal party in the other important relationships in your life, the desire to have a person who loves and depends on you is understandable. You would be special, important. Look at your circumstances and decide if you want to subject a baby to that sort of environment. You will be more helpless and dependent than ever in late pregnancy and for the first few years of the baby's life. You don't have any real support and the people you associate with will take advantage of your vulnerability.

It looks like your own upbringing has left you trapped in an eternal early teens phase; acting out, seeing unsuitable fellas, afraid of what your extended family with think, unable to healthily detach from your own mother. It would be like a thirteen year old having a baby, thinking it will magically turn them into a grow-up.

The first step will be to act independently. Sort out finances, if you're not working contact social welfare. Get a place, even a house share, that will allow you to have a functioning relationship with your mother at a healthy distance, like two adults. You're not going to change your whole life in one move but it's a start. You have been letting other people make the rules of your relationships for too long.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118667264#Comment_118667264

No i'm actually looking at getting my eggs frozen so I can plan for children down the line as I have underlying health conditions. My mother attacked him with a baseball bat the other night. It's just insane behaviour. I know he put his hands on me. But she's not doing it as the concerned mother.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118672242#Comment_118672242

Thanks I appreciate the advice but I think you've misread my situation slightly. I've been living out of home since 17. I've put myself through college on three occasions and working since i'm 15. I'm not living off social welfare and living with my mother my entire life. I've very independent to the point where I got my brother to NZ to help him out. I fell on hard times because of COVID and had to come back to Ireland as I lost my job. Instead of being supportive when I moved back home my mother just tried to chip away with me and seen me as a cash cow. Her and her friend undermining me and talking behind my back, making smart comments, then I got involved with this guy. I was already in a low place and it's just spiralled. I have a good job which pays well. I just need to try save which is not easy in my current environment. I'm not planning on bringing a child into this situation. I'm planning for my future.

Big Bag of Chips

BrokenGal the fact of the matter is you cannot control the actions of any other person. So what your mother says, what her friend says is all irrelevant.

I think moving out of home would be money better spent at the moment than looking into fertility treatment and freezing your eggs.

You need to be in a better place before you even think of conceiving. If you spend money on freezing your eggs, how long before you can move out? And how long realistically before you would like to try get pregnant? You cannot bring a baby into that environment.

Your priority should be getting out of there.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118673484#Comment_118673484

Maybe you have been independent in the past but you're not now, financially or emotionally. You're unable to extricate yourself as an individual from your family. In fact, in the context of everything else you have described, your mention of sorting your brother out in NZ just looks like another example of being enmeshed in family business.

All the advice here is to get some distance, find a place to live away from these people. Then you can get some help to take control of your drinking and deal with the issues that brought you to this point. This is solid advice, the sort of advice you would give somebody who told you the story you have told us.

It's easy enough to spend upwards of €30,000 on having eggs frozen. It might start off loking like a lot less than that but once people begin the process the fallacy of sunk costs kicks in: annual fees, medication costs and multiple attempts really start to add up. If you're doing this to give yourself a concrete goal to work towards then it make sense. You might be telling yourself you have a motivation to focus on setting yourself up independently, removing this chap from your life and rewriting the rules of your relationship with your mother by the time you're 40.

Still, you can probably see that it looks like very confused thinking from the outside. An adult who can't afford to leave a home dominated by a baseball bat-wielding mother prioritising an expensive elective medical process. This sounds dismissive, but it looks like you have an excuse not to strike out on your own.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118674640#Comment_118674640

Getting your eggs frozen costs nowhere near €30,000 and can be done for 70e per month on finance. It's €3,000. You might call it "elective" but when you have gone through multiple surgeries, years of seeing doctors and up and down to hospitals and realise this might be your best shot at having kids in the future it doesn't sound quite so "elective" any more. Call it an excuse if you want. My selecting to get my eggs frozen isn't the reason for me not being able to leave right now. I simply mentioned in the context of my mothers snide remarks, nothing more.

I think you might be confusing IVF and Egg Freezing

Big Bag of Chips

I have a good job which pays well.

So what's the difficulty in moving out? Is it availability of rooms? Debt? Do you drive? Could you move a little further away from where you work and commute. You really do need to be anywhere else, away from your mother, and your bf, his family and friends.

You seem to be reluctant to move out, or maybe there's something major that is preventing you from moving out. But for anyone looking in from the outside, and going by the information you have provided (which is all we know of your situation) moving out seems to be the most obvious solution.

I understand you feel you are stuck, and your replies are all about how you are stuck and all the horrible things that are happening. But in order for any change to happen you have to be the one to kick-start the change. All those other people in your life aren't going to suddenly become different. You are the only one who can change your current situation.

There are supports available. If we knew what the issue was, someone might be able to guide you in the right direction.

HazeDoll

You're understandably defensive but all I can go on is what you have told us.

You're not in control of your drinking, your finances or your domestic situation. It make sense that you're planning to control one aspect of your life but it really does look like you're not making sensible choices.

You have a good job that pays well, but you have taken to binge-drinking and 'going missing.' Your job isn't safe while you're drinking like that. As it is you can't afford to save any money, how will you survive if you lose your job? You will become even more dependent on your mother.

Time to act.

You need to get away from this set-up and take back some of the control you've lost. Get counselling, find yourself again. Sort out the drinking. Look for support from somebody outside the problems to take some tough steps so you can take responsibility for your own life. Then maybe consider planning to take responsibility for another human life.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118676993#Comment_118676993

I'm dying to move out. I've viewed several places. I'm just needing to get my deposit together. I can't move too far as there's a dog that needs taken care of. I know people will say it's her responsibility but he's just as much my pet as hers as far as i'm concerned. Considering I pay all his vet bills, walk him, his food, injections, microchipping and everything else. The issue isn't necessarily because i'm living there. Yes it's making things 1000 times worse and I can't wait to move but she's not going to change just because I leave.

BrokenGal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118677012#Comment_118677012

But I never told you I needed €30,000 for an elective procedure? Where did I say i'm planning on getting pregnant soon? You seem to want to focus on something that is not the main issue. I am getting egg freezing so I can put that to one side and have options further down the line when i'm in a better place and in a better relationship. That's the whole point. And I certainly wouldn't be getting it done while i'm under my mothers roof and being vulnerable