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Confused about what he meant. Also how I can improve myself and the relationship

darjeeling12

So on. 26th December my bf got very angry at me I assume bc I did pattern of not responding of his calls (I only texted) He got upset I think and told me to not text him again after I didn't pick a call....

After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person and if I want us to be ok I should be serious and active... Idk what he meant but I love him. I aodre him. He is very smart, interesting, handsome and caring (he even offered his help about my female clothing store) and I want us to be fine. How can I improve the relationship and what he truly meant?

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FishOnABike

I'd look hard at the unhealthy level of control / interference your family appear to have. At 20s and 30 your relationships are none of their business. It's something I'd expect of overbearing parents with a teenager, not with an adult.

I wouldn't expect to have to answer immediately every time he phones but it is reasonable to call him back later, when it is convenient, equally for you to call him back and for him to expect a call back.

I'd find having to schedule calls, other than a wide window like "I'm usually free in the evening, after 7pm.... or similar" , rather bizarre. Sometimes he may just want a chat, insisting on text only seems very restricting and unsatisfactory. If a partner didn't appear to want to talk to me for two weeks I'd be wondering about our relationship.

Is there a cultural element to the influence your family appear to have on the situation? Your phraseology indicates to me English may not be your first language.

Maybe my family are more live and let live types who don't interfere and let people live their own lives but in the unlikely event they did try to interfere they know they would be told, not very poiltely to put it mildly, to keep their opinions to themselves.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390275#Comment_118390275

I am from Europe. They are just toxic is all. Well I would like if he calls during the mornings for example. That is all.

And when I don't respond to calls I still text etc. It's not like I ghosted him completely.

darjeeling12

And their actions aren't my fault. I could work only on myself not anyone's esle actions.

It's not cool and I am sad with the situation as well

Deeec

Op when he calls you can you not go outside or into another room and take his call. Not being able to take his calls for 2 weeks because of your family is strange and rude.

Planned calls with someone you are in a relationship with is madness ( unless you are in work). Im guessing you are in separate countries at the moment given this messing around has been going on for 2 weeks.

If you want this relationship to go anywhere you need to stand up to your family and be proud of your boyfriend. You also need to sit down with him and find out what exactly he meant - also tell him this upset you. Being honest I think he said it out of pure annoyance and frustration of you ignoring his calls.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390346#Comment_118390346

So you don't think he was serious then?

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390346#Comment_118390346

But well going to another room doesn't help. I always try my best for the relationship. He told me the gift thing of my apology irked him and told me - what I way to show affection. Now you know better.

darjeeling12

I didn't know he would get that upset about the calls but then again he didn't say it was the thing that made him upset. Could have been the fact I always feel like doing sexual things with him,. This, or the fact I get jealous from time to time which he considers petty.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390416#Comment_118390416

People say things that they dont really mean when they are annoyed - He sounds like he is very annoyed that you are not taking his calls. He probably thinks you have found someone else and are losing interest in him. Have you explained to him what your family are like.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390421#Comment_118390421

No I dont know better at all - you need to talk to him to see what he did mean.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390447#Comment_118390447

I just copied my messages I received from him. He told me the gift thing irked him and he said - What a way to show affection. Now you know better.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390443#Comment_118390443

I mentioned in the past but didn't give lots of details really

BingCrosbee

He’s a wonderful boyfriend, offering to improve you. Get out now.

FishOnABike

Does your boyfriend know how difficult and toxic your family situation is? If not you need to have a very honest conversation with him if he is to have any hope of understanding the lack of communication.

Let him know morning is the best time to call and talk to him then, out of earshot of interfering family if possible. If you give him a window of opportunity where it's easier for you to talk, answer his calls then. It's not reasonable for him to expect you to answer immediately any time, day or night but it's equally not reasonable for you to cut off all conversation.

You're not going to solve a communication problem by text (says he on a message board 🙄) so talking to your boyfriend is important, make the time for it.

At some stage either your family will have to accept that your personal life is none of their business or you will have to make a choice between your boyfriend and your family - and if not this boyfriend, then some (or every) future one. Make that your choice, not their's. If they don't like your choice, that's their problem, not your's.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390546#Comment_118390546

I don't want to break up

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390560#Comment_118390560

Seems like we are okay now since he talks to me again thanks God but I willl explain it to him

[Deleted User]

I think our housing/accommodation situation isn’t exactly helping here, otherwise OP might be able to live apart from controlling family. I would hate to think that this boyfriend who wants to “improve” OP looks to be a potential way of escaping the family, it could be like “moving from the frying pan to the fire”. There could be a codependency at play. Relationships need to be about anything but control and escapism.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390627#Comment_118390627

I am not using him to escape from someone else. That's rude to assume. There are just certain restrictions here due to covid and it's not easy to get a job without university degree. Right now I work to get a degree.

If I agreed to be in relationship with him , I definitely love him a lot.

Deeec

Darjeeling - Are you in a different country at the moment than your boyfriend.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390710#Comment_118390710

No , different city but still far away . Will return soon

nj27

You've apologised three times a day to this n and he's still at you over it? I'd dump him like radioactive waste!

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390692#Comment_118390692

I’m not being rude at all, I’m questioning whether it may possibly be a factor, seeing as you are trying to get some potential insights. Im not at all saying I’m right, or that you would be in any way doing it mindfully/deliberately. Human nature is at play behind the ways we all interact with each other in various types of relationships.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390752#Comment_118390752

I don't think he is angry now bc he started talking.

darjeeling12

I think things are better now.

Jequ0n

The most impressive thing is that he didn’t break up with you when you ignored his calls for weeks on end. Of course he wasn’t happy with the present aka compensation attempt.

Best of luck since you seem to be talking again, seems like you have some serious explaining to do.

And I won’t even comment on the usual premature coercive control/ gaslighting suggestions that seem to pop up in every thread. Just talk to your boyfriend and see it you can find a compromise.

I think you need to understand that your family’s involvement in your affairs is highly unusual, and not just toxic. I am not surprised at all that your boyfriend thought you were fobbing him off when you couldn’t take/ return a call for such a long time.

MrVestek

OP, here's the thing about men. We're not psychic... we don't communicate in the same way that women usually communicate... we're usually pretty direct.

If someone I was dating was ignoring my calls for two weeks straight without explaining to me properly as to why, or if they weren't even making a small effort to go outside for a quick call or whatever I'd be annoyed too. This relationship sounds very transactional to me... and if all you ever want is sex when you're around him but don't want to talk to him (that's how he'll see it) then he'll end up feeling used.

Also, he didn't say that he would make you better... he was annoyed at the gift idea because it doesn't make up for it nor does it explain why it occurred. Your actions (words count for nothing, sorry) show that you are, essentially, ignoring him. That can't feel good and it's going to hurt his self esteem.

If his behaviour confuses you then TALK to him about it and BE HONEST. Be direct. He won't understand otherwise.

I'm sorry I have to agree with others in this thread, you do sound quite immature in matters of this nature. Like I said, he's not psychic... just talk to the bloody guy.

darjeeling12

He said- I want to make you better person. That is what he said. Why you say he didn't say this when he actually said this?

I am enough mature thanks. I don't need to prove that to anyone. If someone thinks I am not then cool. I also have reasons for not calling and that is also cool. I already put enough effort in the relationship. Calls aren't that important anyway

Jequ0n

Like everything else any sentence needs to be considered in context, and you are being quite scarce on that in your thread, OP.

Everyone will also have different views on maturity here, but I think you will struggle to find anyone who will consider a 20 something year old, who can’t have a direct conversation with their partner, and instead tiptoes around their family expectations, to be acting in a mature way.

darjeeling12

I find it pointless to explain. Not all countries are rich of resources and if someone can't get out at the moment they better keep low profile in toxic situations. That's all

Any way I would appreciate if someone tells me how to delete thie thread or close it

FishOnABike

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118392164#Comment_118392164

"Calls aren't that important anyway"

They obviously are to your boyfriend. If the relationship is important to you then you need to appreciate how important calls and communication are to your boyfriend. He also needs to appreciate your circumstances but can't unless you explain them to him.

Relationships need work, you and your boyfriend need to work out a reasonable compromise you both can accept. Not waiting at the end of the phone waiting for his every minute of the day but equally not being incommunicado for days or weeks on end.

You say you already put enough effort into the relationship but if a partner of mine was not responding to calls for two weeks I'd be asking myself if I should get the hint and move on.

If you are not going to be back in the same city together very soon I would make the effort to both explain your toxic family circumstances fully to him and to speak to him regularly over the phone. It may be an effort on your part in your current circumstances but is the relationship worth the effort?

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118392301#Comment_118392301

How can I delete thread? Should i report it?