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My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

redlipgloss

Hi everyone.

My BF and I are together 10m. Basically, we have no sex life. We both live at home as we can’t afford to rent like many other people. During our relationship, it’s been me who has sought out privacy and booked places. He doesn’t put in the same effort. He just goes with the flow. During sex, he always without fail, orgasms….but I don’t. I do enjoy the sex and being with him but end up lying awake afterwards craving more. I do different positions, i perform oral sex on him…Problem is, I have tried to talk to him about MY pleasure but he’s not interested and shrugged his shoulders when I said I was finding it hard to orgasm with him. He just doesn’t make me feel desired or wanted and recently, I found he had been all over other womens instagrams liking their sexy pics. If I was to judge by these girls pics, I am not his type at all. It devastated me as my mind is in overdrive thinking he’s not sexually attracted to me. Surely he’s fully aware we don’t have sex that often and he’s online browsing instead of putting effort into us like I do.

In the last month, it has really upset me and affected my self confidence. Stupid question but can this be fixed ?

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redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310069#Comment_118310069

Hey Caranica,

well that’s the thing, we do have great chemistry and he is attentive. But when it comes to the bedroom, he is only concerned about himself. That is, when we do get privacy to do it.

@Confused11811

That’s the confusing part - we could never keep our hands off eachother and we are the same now, we kiss and caress and very affectionate but when it comes to the SEX/ D Day , he can be selfish and forget me in the process.

Then you throw the liking pics online in the mix and it’s a complete mystery

Hannibal_Smith

Clearly he's not very attentive and he hasn't improved in 10 months of you trying to address the issue both directly and indirectly. I'm really not sure what advice you're looking for?

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310219#Comment_118310219

I suppose I’d love to hear that this can happen or things can get better from someone’s previous experience. If there was no chemistry or affection, I’d be gone.

But there is outside the bedroom so that confuses me.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310231#Comment_118310231

It can only improve if the two of you want it to and one of you doesn't want it to. You've discussed it directly, dropped all kinds of hints and suggestions and he's, as you put it, shrugged it off.

Caranica

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310231#Comment_118310231

Sexual incompatibility is rarely something that can be fixed. I thought I could cope with that in a relationship that was otherwise perfect. I couldn't, and shouldn't have even tried. Years of my life wasted. It's why I'm so vehement in my advice to you.

YellowLead

OP I think the only thing to do here is to talk him about it - as in say to him that sexual pleasure is important to you and you are not getting enough from him in that respect. Tell him that you will need to seriously consider if the relationship is for you if things continue as is. If he is really into you, he will pull his socks up and get more involved in your pleasure, if he refuses then he’s not that into you and you need to move on.

everybody is different but in my experience most men love watching women touch themselves and find it a turn on and they are happy to get involved. Could it be that he sees you as more of a friend and you are there to listen to his problems and hold him but he’s not very attracted? Or maybe he is but he’s just selfish/lazy sexually? Maybe previous girlfriends were happy to let him away with being selfish in bed and this is new for him?

A serious talk about what his lack of attention in bed means is the only way you’ll get answers. You’ve already shown him what he needs to do, now you need to call him up on it.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310364#Comment_118310364

Yeah I hear you.

It’s soul destroying.

I never wanted to waste my prime years on someone who has no interest in adding to or enhancing my happiness and taking my most fertile years too (I don’t want a baby right now but you know what I mean) with no intention only to pass time at my expense.

If he loved me, he would care.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310400#Comment_118310400

He doesn’t seem to seek out privacy. It’s all left to me, who makes it happen so it looks like I’m the only one initiating our sexual relationship.

Selenophile

Condoms are not the problem. If they were, he would say so. I've been happily using them for decades now and I some of us are grateful for their existence. :) I'm saying this to bring back focus from them to the real problem.

OP, as Confused said: "You seem like most guys dream girl if I'm honest, open to being playful and whatever." I absolutely agree. Honestly, you deserve much better, and there are many good men out there. I'm a man, and I had experiences with girls that were just like your BF. The more time you spend with him, the more of your own enthusiasm will vanish, not only with him but in general. It will be better for you to be alone even, than with such a person.

[Deleted User]

Guys in general don’t know their way around women very well, we are better at knowing around way around them. A lot of this is plain biology an we have more a more complex distribution of nerves in our recesses and projections. Men actually have immense extra sensation too in the prostate area but a lot of guys don’t like that touched as it can be unpleasant as well as sensational so a lot of heterosexual relationships don’t explore that route.

Women were designed by nature to get pregnant usually by producing one egg, to be fertilised by meeting any one of thousands of spermicide from one or more men. We are designed to have more prolonged sexual pleasure to keep motivated enough to get pregnant and keep the species going. So it may be a slow build up over hours to orgasm, it may be repeat orgasms, versus the usual male pattern of fairly quickly build up and release then not ready maybe for hours again or even an entire day again. And if there are any health issues, there may be a temporary inability to release at all. The female is designed to keep on the boil a hell of a lot longer than the male just to ensure that precious single egg is more sure to get fertilised.

If it can be understood like this, it all makes complete biological sense. But in relationships we are human and we have to negotiate ways of making it work for both parties. He certainly needs to know that if he is retain you he has to make every effort to meet your needs at least half way. I think in times gone by, most women “put up” with unmet sexual needs, but quite rightly we no longer do and shouldn’t.

TheadoreT

Is talking about these sort of things actually worthwhile in this scenario? I highly doubt this is a lack of knowledge issue. It's an effort issue and potentially a more sinister mind game issue.

Teaching a willing partner about acts you enjoy is definitely worthwhile, that's a healthy couples exercise. Trying to convince a non willing partner into some duty bound sexual acts is just grim. They should want to please their partner. You're flogging a dead horse and to put it bluntly the only issue is you're too insecure to move on.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309384#Comment_118309384

Perhaps, but Christ they watch enough of the stuff online. She has to sort this out now, as it won't end well if she has this issue in a few years down the road. If he is a monk now, what will be be like in 10 years? BVM territory I would think.

redlipgloss

I find it hard to talk to him in depth about sex. He won’t engage me, only a sentence here and there but nothing else. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it or how I’d like to phrase how I’m feeling but it feels like he treats having sex with me as a box he has to tick when we stay together. Like a chore that’s part of the relationship. Last week I was away in another city for work and I was thinking how nothing has really changed in my life - as in, I’m as lonely now as I was when I was single which makes me so sad because I think the absolute world of him. As affectionate as he comes across, it’s only superficial as I still feel I’m kept at arms length.

YellowLead

Then you know what to do

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309463#Comment_118309463

if the condom is to tight. Get a bigger size, one size does not fit all..

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311612#Comment_118311612

I'm picking up on something here that makes this really difficult.

The thread title says it...... "My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me". I think you suspect this guy does want to have sex, but not with you. The Instagram stuff backs this up. I'm guessing it has dawned on you that this guy could be like a three balled Tom cat around a woman he is sexually attracted to, but that he is not turned on by you.

In your mind this might trigger feeling of inadequacy and kinda push the problem back on to you psychologically. Does part of you wonder "Am I not good enough for this guy?" or "Is he not turned on by me because there is something wrong with me?".

On reading the OP I would image most people would see it as and easy "dump the swine and move on" call. But I suspect that in doing that you are subconsciously confirming that you weren't attractive enough. Really tough situation.

I could be totally off of course. Forgive me if so. FWIW you come across as a nice person and I see no reason why you should doubt yourself.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312287#Comment_118312287

This is 100% how I feel. As if this reflects on me and my attraction. He wants to be in our relationship, reassures me “blah blah” “I want you” but at the end of the day, he’s not bringing me home and f*cking my brains out or even trying! It’s all left to me to sort out!

I felt great about myself, really attractive and confident at the start of the relationship but in the last few months his behaviour and obvious confidence issues have rubbed off me and eroded my sexual confidence slowly over the last few months and seeing what he likes online recently tipped me over entirely.

I’m a bit lost as to what your suggesting I do ? Are you suggesting it’s in my head and I’m feeling insecure and letting it get to me and that I shouldn’t? or are you agreeing that I have a legit and valid reason to be pissed off and insecure and to move on?

Do other people in successful relationships experience these difficulties and one day they just get over it?

YellowLead

OP I’m not sure how you could get over somebody not wanting to have sex with you. I imagine every ones advice is to move on if he won’t try.

manonboard

OP, you already have 10 months of experience that this person is never going to fulfil you sexually. Save yourself the difficult self damaging experiences by remaining, just do what you are going to have to do anyways, and leave.

Good sex takes communication, effort, experience, openness, honesty, flexibility, interest, creativity, fun, humor etc, a million qualities.

None of these arise if the person isnt willing to engage. God i would feel like absolutely like an idiot if i find myself trying to convince my partner to improve our sex life rather than them being aware enough to listen when i tell them ITS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS.

That would be a massive red flag to any decent partner than something needs to change, and they would gladly, with great enthusiasm, and quickly set about changing things to meet your needs. Its sex! like what kinda selfish a-hole doesn't want to see their partner have great fun and pleasure, to feel satisfied and be the person responsible for it. To know their partner fantasies about them during the day thinking about the sexual satisfaction they will get next session.

Listen though, regardless of anything else. Bad sex leads to bad relationships. You end up feeling unattractive, then problematic, then undeserving. Why? Because you are a human being who has entered into a relationship with a person with the agreement that you will meet each others sexual needs as a priority, and usually exclusively. So now you are in a relationship where you meet his, but he doesnt meet yours? jesus, can you think of any other transaction where you wouldnt tell the other person to feck off immediately?

The only lesson that you end up teaching yourself by enduring bad dynamics like that is that you are not worth it. You re-enforce that behavior every day that for some reason, you dont deserve the best, or even acceptable treatment. so eventually you just start losing self esteem. Leave.

I doubt its the only problem, because the mindset to not try to help your partner meet their needs in something so easy and fun, is never exclusive to the bedroom.

You approached your partner multiple times to tell them a crucial need was not being met. You have your answer. Respect yourself and believe you can meet and create relationships with people that try as hard as you do, and that you get all of these very basic needs met easily.

ps: You can check my post history and see that i rarely suggest someone leave. I think its way too fast most of them for posters to suggest it. Here it is a pretty obvious mismatch to me.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311612#Comment_118311612

awhh that was heart breaking to hear. OP. Your body has told you in many different ways how this relationship makes you feel. Arms length? Lack of fulfilment sexually and in pleasure? Not meeting you in conversation about unfulfilled needs? One sentence answers? and the biggest of all.. omg, feeling lonely inside your relationship? Thats terrible OP. Im very sorry for you and i hope you give yourself better, much much better. Loneliness in a relationship is devastating to a psyche.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312369#Comment_118312369

When I say arms length, I mean he’s telling me we are serious but in regards to his friends and family, they know about me, we’ve met briefly but I’m kept firmly on the outside and separate from his family and friend life and not included or invited to things. Again, I will reiterate, I’ve been patient for too long. I sound emotionally messy, I know that but I am usually a calm confident and fun loving person but miserable lately because there’s “something” I just can’t put my finger on.

But of all things between us, we have no sex life and he isn’t bothered. It’s devastating to me.

Selenophile

"I felt great about myself, really attractive and confident at the start of the relationship but in the last few months his behaviour and obvious confidence issues have rubbed off me and eroded my sexual confidence slowly over the last few months and seeing what he likes online recently tipped me over entirely."

The longer you are in this situation, deeper you will sink down that hole. That is what I tried to point out in my first post. The longer you are in this situation, you will feel more and more inadequate, frustrated and maybe completely lose any desire, even after you break up. Long, long time ago, when I was young, it happened to me.

The fact that the person doesn't invest in you and your satisfaction doesn't mean you're not attractive or that you don't deserve it. Some people are simply not capable for love; some are not capable for empathy; some have deep inhibitions; some are so narcissistic that feel other people are only good to serve their own needs and feel that nobody is good enough for them to make any effort. These are some possibilities, one or more or none may apply to your BF, but my point is this: it is not your fault somebody is being selfish, and there are situations where you can't do anything to change them.

If you continue like this long term, you'll might end up broken toy, even if only temporarily. Please don't do it yourself

[Deleted User]

OP. I think that deep down, you know the answer. Don’t waste your life. Move on to someone who has your happiness at heart. This guy doesn’t. Life’s too short. Don’t waste it on trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change.

LilacNails

Op,

Life is too short to be stuck with someone u cannot enjoy or get any pleasure from being intimate with.

Either pull him aside, again, and make it crystal clear how u feel, remind him of your needs and wants, or just walk away.

Theres always the possibility that the right person with the same sexual compatibility is out there, l really think wasting your time with the selfish guy.

sporina

he is not meeting your needs.. on the contrary - being with him is lowering your self esteem.. you don't wanna let that happen.. I'd move on if I wer you... you deserve better..

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312321#Comment_118312321

Not recommending anything in that post. Just calling a few things out in an effort to get closer to the root of the problem.

Sex can be overrated and is not at the heart of all healthy relationships. There is an expectation these days that we all should have a Hollywood sex live when it can be far for that in reality. Some couples can put up with an imperfect sex life if the relationship is delivering big on other stuff like companionship, support, love, money, fun, status etc.

I guess for me it comes down to two questions.

Do the other aspects of the relationship deliver enough for you to put up with him not being sexually attracted to you, and all that that brings?

I'm guessing the bedroom shortcomings are a byproduct of the weak sexual attraction. So my second question would be is the much chance of you ringing his bell over time? In my experience this is a very long shot.

If the answer to both of these question is negative move on ASAP. I expect there are plenty of guys out there who would be crazy for you and I think deep down you know that.

Zak Flaps

I feel that this guy probably still loves you but no longer feels sexually attracted to you.

It that's true, only you can decide if you want to keep the relationship going.

California Dreamer

OP I think at this stage the sex is only 1 part of a much bigger problem, and one that is potentially affecting your mental health and how you feel about yourself. I notice in your replies that you do not mention you or your BF's age but I am assuming mid 20s which is a time when things should be at their very best. If sex is this bad now, what will it be like in another 5, 10 years if you decide to stay together, get married, have kids etc.

From what I read, you sound like perfect GF material but honestly this guy does not deserve this. Time to move on and regain your mojo!!

redlipgloss

I suppose what mystifies me is your GF makes efforts across the boards. You have no sex life due to living arrangements or so you claim.

Rather than putting an effort into making things happen or giving your GF attention, you give it to strangers online and keep your GF dangling and stringing her along.

Why keep telling me he wants to be with me when he clearly doesn’t?

It’s heartbreaking for me.

I am an attractive person. I’m not a narcissist but I am good looking and in shape. I keep myself well and stay active.

The ones he was looking at were women taking about 100 selfies bending over or posing in front of mirrors (dirty mirrors I might add), clearly attention seeking and lonely, a certain type. Not to **** talk people, but they were the opposite of me.

Furthermore, he’s not perfect. He’s no Bradley cooper. Thing is, I see and interact with more attractive men everyday.

I don’t log on to a public forum and go liking there pictures. I CHOOSE to be in a relationship with my BF. I am self aware and I know what hurts people. I don’t want to hurt him but he clearly has no problem disrespecting me.

I thought he had a low sex drive or sex wasn’t a priority for him or something else and I tried to be patient and understanding but when I’m running around, making efforts, a fool of myself and beating myself up about why why why, he’s fantasising or possibly engaging strangers online.

hunter2000

Dump him, get on tinder and get riding. End of story, this isn’t Cinderella.