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He cancelled our date last minute

struck1

I'm a 26 year old woman and I've been seeing this guy (27) for about a month and we've been on 8 dates together. All of them seemed to go really well. At the weekend I suggested we have a movie night at my place and he enthusiastically agreed to meet.

Come Saturday evening he messages me about an hour before he was to call over and wanted to push it out by 30 minutes because he was delayed. No problem! Then a few minutes later he messaged again saying can we push it out another 30 minutes because his dad asked him to do something at home. Okay, it happens. Then a few minutes later again he says he wants to reschedule because he's not well and by his words 'would not be great company'. He tells me that he had a small headache on and off all day, but never mentioned it until he cancelled!

I was pretty upset that he cancelled and if I'm honest, I took it very personally. He had cancelled our 3rd date before because he was too tired and it's starting to feel like he just didn't want to see me. I would like to think that I'd want to see the person I'm dating even if I'm not feeling great. They could only make me feel better, especially if it's only a small headache. We haven't had sex yet by the way for reasons I'd rather not get into, but it definitely wasn't a factor in case some people think that. Oh and he also said that he would have just fallen asleep if he came over so his excuse changed into him being tired!

I messaged him afterwards saying that maybe he's not that into me, better phrased of course, and I'd prefer to know now than for this to drag on knowing it will turn into nothing. He replied saying that he was really sorry to have disappointed me and he loves spending time with me and really likes me. To be fair to him, he always tells me how much he likes me and has talked of having lots of dates.

I don't really know what's going on. It seems like such an odd thing to do with all those excuses. My mind started wandering thinking that he might have had a date with someone else and had to cancel with me. No evidence of that besides being offline on WhatsApp and Instagram when we were supposed to meet but I can't help but think it with his last minute and inconsistent excuses.

Am I being taken for a fool by this guy, or am I overreacting to him just not wanting to meet that evening? I really like him but I don't want to waste my energy on a guy that doesn't value spending time with me. When I'm with him it's great, and he says all the right things but when it comes to arranging dates he seems to fall down.

Thanks for reading.

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struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304022#Comment_118304022

This is not going to paint me in a good light but it's only because he's still on it. I haven't swiped right on anyone and I'm not talking to anyone. I know you could say he's doing the same thing but if a man is updating his profile I can only assume he's still on the lookout for other women.

I know I need to talk to him. I must just love torturing myself with negative thoughts until I do!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304024#Comment_118304024

Are you saying that if he doesn't choose to be exclusive without me saying that he's unlikely to be a match for me?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304076#Comment_118304076

I'm okay for him to be on Tinder but it's just that after a month of dating if he's updating his profile it doesn't exactly send good signals!

The texting thing is just very awkward, that's all. I feel like I can't message him randomly even to arrange a date because I'm still waiting hours for him to reply to my last message!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304138#Comment_118304138

I think even for my own health I should ask him if he wants to be exclusive. I don't want to be having sex with someone that could have who knows how many other women on the go!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304148#Comment_118304148

Yes I think that's all I can do. I would be the kind of person who would check to see if he had deleted his Tinder account. I think I'm paranoid after a guy I previously dated went exclusive with me but was still dating other people. Really affected my trust.

I don't know how you fully trust someone new in your life. I'd like to think I know him a bit by now, but there's no way to truly know someone that early on. I guess it's a leap of faith I need to take.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304314#Comment_118304314

I do this with anyone I date and grow to like. I'm always asking for advice, asking what this or that means. So many times online forums tell me that 'oh that's a red flag, dump him now' and I'm so paranoid by every little behaviour that's outside my expectations. I'm starting to feel like any guy I'm dating needs to be perfect for me not to overthink things. Even then I'd probably ask if he's too perfect. What is wrong with me!

Hannibal_Smith

Do you want to be exclusive with him? Or are you just asking him because you don't want him on Tinder? If you want to be exclusive, why are you still on Tinder?

I don't think you're ready for a relationship to be honest. Its only been a month and you're nerves are shot every time you interact with the guy. It's even coming down to you being on a dating app and being mad at him because he's on the app too.

To be fair, sometimes your gut does try to tell you something and you can't quite put your finger on it. If you're not like this with other people (always questioning motives etc), then ask yourself why you're like this with this guy. Do you want to spend months or years second guessing everything this guy does?

I don't think you should settle into any sort of commitment yet until you figure out why you're so insecure. Because being exclusive is not going to solve how you're feeling.

[Deleted User]

Judging yourself on your intentions with a positive spin vs. judging others on their actions with a negative spin. It's a recipe for failure, OP.

You only tell white lies whereas if you suspect a lie from him, it must be cheating. You don't swipe but leave yourself open to be swiped, whereas he must be on the prowl. It's all very pessimistic and will tire him out within a month.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304396#Comment_118304396

Are you saying that if he doesn't choose to be exclusive without me saying that he's unlikely to be a match for me?

I would have thought once a couple were having regular sex the general expectation would be that they were now exclusive. Maybe you young folks see things differently? And if he wasn't going to do that on his own bat there would be a question in my mind as to how serious he was about the relationship.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304396#Comment_118304396

I don’t think this thread is good for you because it just gives you more ammunition to overanalyse every part of your interactions.

Some people will see red flags in his behaviour, others see more in your own. What you make of it is up to you, but it’s kind of strange that you value random strangers’ opinions over your own.

[Deleted User]

Read the first page and thought OP's reaction was OTT, then thought her worrying what her date thought was an over reaction, skipped ahead to see if there had been another date since - realised both still on Tinder, although OP doing it to see what her 'boyfriend?' was doing (understandably, considering)...

And all I can think is thank goodness I've not been on a date since Tinder and the like. You seem like a nice person OP, and while the initial anxiety seemed OTT, my radar may be out of date.

If I were dating someone and they still updated Tinder it would be an instant thanks and good luck.

vithit

This could all be resolved by just talking to him. Seriously.

It doesn't have to be a serious discussion, just a "well where do you see this going?" type thing. You don't have to gush about your feelings etc. Just straight up ask.

And if he only wants something casual, at least you'll know, even if it will hurt a lot. It would hurt a lot less than another month or 2 of this mental prison. You've put yourself in

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304401#Comment_118304401

This is just how I always am. There always seems to be something that I pick up on. I don't go on very many dates at all and there are a tiny amount of men that I've dated that have gone beyond 3 dates. Maybe other women are more able to not let these things get to them, but from chatting to my friends they thought it was some strange behaviour with the cancelling dates, poor texting and now this with updating Tinder!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304413#Comment_118304413

I am fully in agreement with that statement! I use it all the time. I largely give guys the benefit of the doubt and put myself in their shoes. I knew he was on Tinder for a while and it never bothered me. The things that he did that I was worried about, I never did though. I think there's a big difference between being on Tinder and actively updating your Tinder profile.

And I didn't suspect him of cheating. I think that was some other poster's theory!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304448#Comment_118304448

That is what I thought as well but I think most women and men my age think differently. There seems to be a lot more rules when it comes to dating and anything goes until you sit down and talk about it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304475#Comment_118304475

It's just to get an outside perspective. I guess that's the whole point of this forum, is it not?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304495#Comment_118304495

I hate dating apps. I truly do. I guess back in the day the equivalent would be guys flirting with other women even though they are in an exclusive relationship.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304570#Comment_118304570

I'm trying to have a chat with him but it's proving very difficult! I wanted to talk face to face but he said he's not free at all this weekend and he suggested maybe meeting next week. I guess all I can do is wait!

[Deleted User]

I haven't read the full thread, but if you are dating someone and they are too busy to meet up at the weekend 'to talk' and not give a very good reason then to my mind its game over (volunteering at a 24 hour soup kitchen for the poor might be acceptable). He's not that interested and prolonging this is going to be a waste of time.

"I guess all I can do is wait" if you do meet him next week, when he has time for you, keep an open mind... but try to bring it to a situation where you are confident of where you stand. Good luck.

JoChervil

I don't think any talks will solve anything at that stage. You can't make someone with words to want to meet with you more or to be exclusive with you. It must come from inside of him. He must want to be with you more and be exclusive with you. And it comes from your confidence and consequently from your behaviour.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

With his cancelling last time, he showed you, that you were not his priority. On the other hand you showed your insecurities with your doubts. Yet you decided to get more intimate with him. Are you mad? Why did you reward bad treatment?

I think, if you were "less into him" yesterday (treating him more like an option), he would meet with you over weekend as well. But he senses that much worse guy would be enough for you, so why bother. He can skip the whole weekend, update he's profile even more and threatened in this way you will get even more intimate with him next time.

I know guys here will jump again because men advising women here very often want women in certain convenient for them places in real life, which might not be the best place for you.

YellowLead

I agree that adding new photos to his profile means he is still looking. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t to consider you, he’s just not there yet. He’s enjoyed your company but sees it as early and casual. You on the other hand have raced ahead so if it’s exclusivity or nothing for you at this point in dating (it varies person by person and there’s nothing wrong with that) then you are better of saying something so you know where you stand. It likely will be that he’s not on the same page at this point but you might as well move on if that’s what you want from him.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305088#Comment_118305088

Well this what I'm trying to say. If this guy's ideal scenario going forward is he's having regular sex with OP but still has the option of pursuing other women, and the OP has to 'pressure' him into exclusivity, I don't think the relationship will flourish in the long run.

bottlebrush

It shouldn't be this much hard work at this early stage. OP - of the 8 dates you went on, who initiated them and decided where to go?

Idle Passerby

Seriously OP, this is causing you no end of anxiety it seems. It's not worth it. I dont think your ready for dating when it causes you so much stress.

loveall

I seem to be the only one here who doesn't think 8 dates in a month is a lot. Maybe because twenty years with my OH is the longest one night stand ever. If I were you I'd go dating some others. You've not had the talk and you're as free as he is. Doesn't seem to me that you'd be hurting anything. Let him be the one to want "the talk".

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305572#Comment_118305572

You can tell Sex and City is back on TV.

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305693#Comment_118305693

How so?

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305703#Comment_118305703

It's just the classic "You go girl." stuff that is pretty far removed from reality. OP is tying herself up in knots over this guy and the advice to just go on other dates so he'll be the one pushing for exclusivity is probably a plot point between Carrie and Mr. Big. Women have been sabotaging each other with with this "make him jealous" advice since forever.

"Doesn't seem to me that you'd be hurting anything." is incredibly flippant after what is now nine sexless dates just because he is slow to text, cancelled a date, and changed some Tinder photos. Maybe his profile is now private like I said before. I changed photos and hid mine.

loveall

Where did I say any of that guff?

What it sounded like to you...you run with that....I'll hit ignore to avoid your obnoxious analogies.

OP says his problem in the downstairs department has cleared up.....shudder......

This guy isn't meeting what she's looking for so why take herself off the market when neither has stated exclusivity?

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305861#Comment_118305861

Shudder? It sounds like he's had a circumcision or something else that is just a medical thing for a while. OP doesn't appear to be worried about it at all.

With that medical episode being a pretty key part of this guy's life right now, it's not a good look for her to go on dates with other people after a month of two dates a week, and another since the cancellation. How would that look right now to him? Is he going to think "Oh yeah we didn't declare exclusivity. No matter." or is he going to think "She couldn't wait another week?"

Your advice is literally sabotage. 'Let him be the one to want "the talk".' sounds very much like "Make him jealous so he'll want you more." I can't take any other meaning from it.

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305884#Comment_118305884

'Let him be the one to want "the talk".' sounds very much like "Make him jealous so he'll want you more." I can't take any other meaning from it.

And there you go again....you take whatever you want from it......did I write that? Unsurprisingly, as I'm not a game player it didn't occur to me. But you want me out of the conversation and as you say my advice is sabotage so away you go buddy.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118305925#Comment_118305925

Ok, I'll make it a bit easier then.

If someone posts in relationship issues about a cancelled date, and your advice is to date other people, you are sabotaging them. Whether or not you mean it, you are. You aren't even telling someone to break up and move on; you're just telling them to solve a problem with person A by dating person B and C.

loveall

I wasn't of the opinion they're a couple. They've had a few dates and a sexual encounter. She can still meet people.

JoChervil

Ads by Google, You are missing one point, why she should sit alone and wait for him, when he doesn't want to meet during weekend? Is it fair on his side? Are they a couple in your view? Couples meet during weekend, while he has her hanging...

Big Bag of Chips

I think this could be where you are going wrong. How about for once you don’t ask others what this or that means. That you just take your time to think about what you think, how you feel. Just sit with your own thoughts. Don’t think about other people’s relationships, other people’s expectations. Just think about you. What you are ok with. What you are not ok with. Don’t think about what a relationship should be, just think about what it is, right now.

In the space of a few days you have posted 3 separate issues about this fella that has you doubting the relationship. I think you really are not ready to date yet. Dating, relationships, especially the early days should be easy, fun, enjoyable, carefree. They shouldn’t be consuming your thoughts and have you analysing every move. Even your approach to texting is intense. He doesn’t need to reply immediately. You don’t need to wait for a reply to your first text before sending another suggesting a date.

I think you need to switch off from all the voices offering you varying advice and just see where it takes you. This relationship may or may not go the distance. But you tying yourself in knots, stressing and analysing and trying to follow all the different advice for avoiding “red flags” is not good, and it’s not natural, because it’s not you! It’s bits and pieces of everyone else who are not invested in the situation. Take a breath, take a break from trying to be a bit of everyone, and see what happens if you just be you, and follow your own head/heart.

JackoWackoCobh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118306486#Comment_118306486

There are so many bad takes in this thread but this dude has hit the nail on the head i think. Texting can be a chore for some people, yet others would be happy to have their eyes peeled to the phone all day - these two groups of people will never understand each other's relationships with their phones, but that doesn't mean to say that they wouldn't make a great couple.

In my brutally honest opinion, the OP is not ready to date and her behaviour may actually negatively impact the mental health of the dude she is dating. One month is nothing as far as dating is concerned, even tho the OP and her fella went on eight dates in the space of 4 weeks. She is self-sabotaging herself by overthinking and asking for her friend's opinions where there's no need for them to be involved - too many cooks spoil the bacon and cabbage.

OP - Why are you in a rush to find someone? Why not slow things down and let nature take its course? Rushing things when dating can be a big turn off for some (probably most) men.

Last thing - your above posts about Tinder were galling. How can you be angry about catching him change his pictures on Tinder while you, yourself, were using Tinder?

struck1

Can I ask everyone here honestly if they would not think twice about any of the issues I raised if it happened to you? Your date cancels a milestone date because of a mild headache wouldn't bring any thoughts into your head at all? Or the guy you're seeing who is always on his phone doesn't respond to your texts for hours? That wouldn't make you think about why? Or the guy who you've been dating for a month updates his Tinder profile. That's not normal so you try to figure out why he would do that. I'm not saying that these necessarily are bad signs, but if something is not the norm you would question it, would you not?

I find it hard to believe that if you were keen on a guy and he did something you're not used to that your brain wouldn't start ticking over. I'm not used to guys cancelling last minute and I'm not used to guys texting this way. Maybe I got lucky in all my past dating experiences but when something's different, I wonder why. Most people here say it means nothing, which is great. I have an outside view on it as opposed to me left with my own thoughts.

And if you're saying I'm not ready to date then that means I'll never date anyone because this is who I am and how I've always dated. I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations. And I don't mean some kind of high standard of man, but I guess maybe dating etiquette?

JackoWackoCobh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

You said it was a movie night, how is that a milestone date?
How do you know that he's on his phone if you're not with him?
You only know that he updated his Tinder profile because you were on Tinder yourself.

My honest opinion - you need to speak with a professional. This whole experience seems to have taken a toll on you mentally and that could be due to something like undiagnosed anxiety or BPD.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations. And I don't mean some kind of high standard of man, but I guess maybe dating etiquette?

Well then you need decide do you let this fella go because he's different to what you're used to and look for someone who is more what you are used to. There's every sort of person in the world. If you're not feeling things sitting right with this fella why prolong it? What I think is "normal" in a relationship could be completely off the wall in another person's relationship. Some people will agree with you, some people will advise you down a different path. We all advise from our own perspective/experiences.

What do you think? What do you want to do? Taking into consideration that he is very very very unlikely to become a big/immediate texter. Taking into account that sometimes things will happen and plans will change. I would say he didn't see this as a milestone date, as you seem to have. I'd say he saw this as no biggie, you weren't going out, you hadn't booked a table or made plans to be somewhere at a specific time. He was just going to call over to you - so your house, where you were going to be anyway. When the time came after a busy day he decided he wasn't up to it/in the mood/was feeling wrecked etc and decided seeing as it wasn't a "big planned night out" that cancelling wasn't that big a deal - as you were just going to be staying in at home anyway.

You even said you spoke about it this week and all's good. So I assume he didn't see it as a big deal. Did you let him know that you felt it was a milestone date?

I'm not sure this is the fella for you. There seems to be a lot you want him to do differently. Instead of upsetting yourself because he doesn't conform to your expectations, would you not just call it a day and find someone who is more on the same page as you?

vithit

At this point OP, I think your gut is telling you something. I'm of an anxious disposition too, but anytime I've been even half as anxious as you are here, it's been for a solid reason. Deep down I knew something was off.

And look, this is only my opinion, do take this with a full-on kilo of salt. I can just see its causing you a lot of stress and this is the time it's supposed to be "easy", you know? This isn't month or years down the line. This is just one month. It should be exciting. The good kind of exciting.

I feel for ya OP, I've been there before. I've just leaned to jump ship faster. I don't have the patience to fret when things don't feel right or easy in the early stages.