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Child Item

Marriage in trouble

francie81

Hi,

I would have put posted here a number of months ago of how my marriage was in difficulty over a relocation from the countryside to city centre with my wife and 3 young kids much to my opposition of this.

Me and my wife have had many confrontations over this to the point I would usually run out feeling communication on such issues was bad I know it’s not the answer. At end of June it got so bad she told me to leave and went back to the home house (where my sister is looking after my sick mom) the area where we originally moved from and also my job. One of my sons birthday was coming up so we agreed not to let whatever was going on with a get in the way of it so I went there for it with a present from my sister only for my wife to refuse to accept it by ripping the card and throwing the present which I reacted to (maybe I shouldn’t have) to the point an argument broke out and as distraught as I was I left hurting my elbow as my wife attempted to stop me (probably knowing I would go back there), I called my sister to tell her am coming and what just happened before going to hospital to have elbow checked, my sister in turn naturally responded to my wife angrily by text.

Couple days later I hear from the cops that a protection order was taken out against me well my heart sunk and all communication shut off from my kids at the same time, wheb the dust settled I attempted to make contact alternatively with no reply so I tried her brother of how I wanted to see my kids and all of a sudden I get a call ironically asking me to come back and that she never wanted to take the protection order out against me because she knows am not the violent type and only done it because of feeling threatened by my family, anyway I didn’t go back despite her kind of demanding me to do so, with my own 40th birthday looming she used this to lure me back which I did and I have being since.

So to the point the weekend just past everything was good up until sat night when the whole location crept in again because more kids was mentioned and as of now I was shutting the door on this idea because of where we are now and although I was trying to make the best of it for now but non forever as the way she put it and to hell what I think or want, come sunday was actually a good day proper homely family day it’s as though nothing was said until that evening she asks when am I leaving since I was showing towards her of my discontent of long term city life in an apartment, this turned sour from then (her mom who is currently staying) tried to get an understanding of the argument and asked me why I want to leave here after 2/3 years, this has being causing a big rift within the marriage, anyway as I tried to break up the exchange knowing it wasn’t going anywhere I went to the room and was followed there as both her mom tried asking me what was the problem and it just all boiled over to the point I told them to get out and I didn’t mean to be rude I just didn’t want to get into it, I was then accused of abusing her mom which was not the case, as this went on she tells me to leave I refused and stood my ground that’s when she used the protection order to her advantage to have me removed and I ended up being taken out spending the night in a prison cell and into court the next morning I have never felt as demoralized in all my life someone who had never got on the wrong side of the law, this to me was really unforgivable stuff and I know now I can’t go back there.

I recall one day I called into my moms after work where my sister would have being there and when I told my wife when I got back there was war firstly because she does not want me interacting with my siblings ie sister and secondly I did run it by her I was calling there, is this controlling?

People have being telling me this till they are blue in the face but it seems like I keep doubting myself. Everytime we argue usually my family come into it and she also feels both my sisters are obsessed with her in the way she tries to live.

I have written a lot here just to try and give an understanding of what am involved in and now that this has happened me I feel that am going to concentrate and seek therapy to build myself up because perhaps I could be a victim of emotional abuse?

Thanks for reading

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[Deleted User]

Take legal advice which will either protect you if the relationship ends or guide you to some sort of solution which protects what remains of your relationship.

[Deleted User]

Has alocohol/addiction of any kind been involved in either party?

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952446#Comment_117952446

I don’t think this is good advice. I think it will just wind things up several notches in terms of conflict - and it feels a bit like using the kids as pawns, which is never right.

It seems like you react very strongly to your wife OP. I don’t know whether you’re reacting emotionally, or with anger. Is there a pattern of you shouting at her? If so, I can understand why she wants a protection order.

I remember your previous thread, and I found the elbow incident dodgy tbh. It came across to me that you injured yourself through an emotional/angry outburst, and pushed past your wife (and I’m describing that kindly).

I think it’s abundantly clear that the relationship is dead in the water. What your focus should be on is your kids, and how both you and your wife can behave civilly towards each other and co-parent.

Professional help would be a good idea to figure out why you don’t seem to be able to regulate your emotions / reactions. And stop involving your family in this. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in a foreign country, in a failed relationship, and being verbally attacked by my Ex’s family.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952527#Comment_117952527

There has being high pitched voices alright on both sides. Also there was a time she told my oldest son to tell me to leave.

Your right of course saying not to involve family members in our marital affairs and it should be only be between us both, however I only went to my moms since I had nowhere else to go and my sister made amends of some sort with a hug to her (for that heat of the moment attack) when we all went to my moms house sometime after.

I know I may have anger issues to the point I react to her and am promising myself NOW to deal with this as a last ditch in saving my marriage but she should also recognize her own problem like insecurity issues which she isn’t it’s not always one sided when this happens.

Using a protection order just to have me removed only because I stood my ground is not good and having me there months up to that hardly looks good.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, I know you are having your own bad time, but there are children in the middle of all of this watching it all implode.

Did you seek legal advice or any kind of outside help? This has gone long beyond being able for the two of you to figure out. You're both not capable of doing it without help.

To me it sounds like the marriage is long over and moving on is what you both should be focusing on. If not that then some sort of help to get you both discussing things without it exploding.

You can't have the kids living in the middle of all of this and you both can't keeping going the way you are. It's good for no one, regardless of the small glimmers of happiness you might be getting. Nothing has changed since your last thread. You need to get legal advice and/or professional help in dealing with conflict between you both.

Darc19

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952446#Comment_117952446

Worst advice possible.

Gardai tend to believe the woman no matter what. You can have all the proof in the world and the gardai will believe the woman.

Gardai don't believe women can dole out emotional and physical abuse.

So antagonising the situation where she can make all sorts of unfounded claims is just dreadful advice.

Op, you cannot win this as it stands. You are young and she is abusive.

Prepare for separation be both in the real sense (takes time) and emotionally (quicker), get a solicitor, keep a diary and meet with your GP. If it's her gp too, that's better as they will have an understanding of the situation.

But, the marriage is gone and you have to accept that and look at options for visitation rights and reconnection with your siblings

[Deleted User]

First about the relationship with your wife. It's over. Get legal advice to protect you and then move on from that.

Re-route all your energy towards your kids. They are being damaged here and won't forgive you if they have to live through this for much longer.

Good luck.

TheadoreT

Your writing is very incoherent and difficult to follow. Hard to gauge the level of violence you used against her but if you hurt yourself doing so there must have been plenty of force involved. You seem to be downplaying this aspect of the story when it's really the crux. She's probably terrified of you. Labelling yourself as a victim feels worrying as you're almost justifying your violence.

Anger councilling must be your first port of call. You won't have a leg to stand on here if this goes through the courts as it stands. At least try to present a case you're seeking help for your issues.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952754#Comment_117952754

With regards to my elbow incident it happened as I tried to leave at a time I could not take her being in my face as distraught as I was, I tried holding my 5 year old at the same time as it was his birthday when he was in tears and she thought I was taking him away bizarrely to my family it was more a case of being so emotional of what had just happened all because I reacted to her not accepting my sisters birthday present to him.

Someone also mentioned Gardai usually take the woman’s side however when they brought me in the prison cell they asked how long have you being there since the order was taken out and I said 3 months both just shook there head and said you need one yourself because I suspect it’s not just you and if you keep going back it will happen again which will look bad on you with the judge.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952837#Comment_117952837

You're downplaying and excusing your actions again. What damage did you do to her with the elbow? Orders aren't just given on she said /he said. There must have been physical injuries or an admission of guilt on your behalf.

And I'd take what the guards told you in prison with a pinch of salt. Just because someone takes you back it doesn't mean they aren't afraid of you or the order wasn't justified. Victims of violence regularly find it very difficult to break free from that cycle of abuse.

And even if you're right as you suggest that there's a pair of you in it where does the kids wellbeing come into all of this? This whole thing must be traumatising for them and you don't seem close to being at a place to discuss how to part with as little further disruption for them as possible.

francie81

Also as many have being saying here to seek the help required which I intend to but if she is not willing to recognize perhaps her own behaviour that she may not even aware she is even doing it well then it’s only going to go one way.

Jequ0n

This is a seamless continuation of your last thread. Nothing has changed and both of you are so focussed on your own agenda that you do not even consider the damage you are doing to your children.

What’s the point in ruminating whether your wife is abusive? Nobody here can tell because her story of events probably sounds very different to yours. All we can see here is utter chaos and a group of adults (i include your family members) who are incapable of sorting out their problems. And stylising yourself as the victim in all this will not help either.

I am not judging you for being selfish, as I’d be a hypocrite. But it is frankly embarrassing to read how you both use your children as pawns whilst playing victim cards.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952928#Comment_117952928

I can barely remember but I somehow banged it off the door or door surround not knowing until I noticed a lump appearing afterwards and of course it’s not like she physically done it and I was never going to use this as way of gaining advantage, and am by no means violent and if you read carefully in my OP where I mentioned that she only took the order out as a way for of protection from my own family rather than me and that I know your not that type hence why I was back despite it being in place, yet look what happened in the end.

Multipass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952837#Comment_117952837

Your son will never forget how his parents destroyed his birthday. Time to put your kids first, they will be damaged for life if they keep having to witness this turmoil. If the only way to have peace is through separation then that needs to happen.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952958#Comment_117952958

Am not stylising myself as the victim and your right about the welfare of the kids and nothing has changed and in fact I should have never went back to begin with but as I’ve saying I can am prepared to seek the support needed as I really would prefer not to go down the road of a separation/divorce.

I recall being in work couple weeks ago when I got a call from her which I could not take but for some strange reason it kept coming up busy her end even tho I wasn’t on a call so she automatically accused me of talking to my family.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953049#Comment_117953049

Your opening post literally asked whether you're a victim here.

Honestly the whole thread is very hard to follow. It's contradictory, full of half truths and just extremely haphazard. I'm unsure whether there's alcohol or other substances involved but if you're going to try to fight your cause on this you need to really work on clarity of expression.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953104#Comment_117953104

No alcohol abuse or anything of the sort and your right I probably could worded it in a better way but one thing for sure is I need to concentrate on working on myself step by step.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952653#Comment_117952653

I have went to see a my GP and subsequently a psychiatrist straight after, I have also being in touch phone to phone with Pieta.

Jequ0n

Why is it that you can barely remember how you hurt your elbow?

Believe me, I have my own anger management issues but I have never forgotten how I caused/ received an unjury unless I was off my face. On the other hand there are plenty of times when I claimed I couldn’t remember to get off the hook.

Time to be honest to yourself and take some action instead of talking about how you realise you need to do something.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953207#Comment_117953207

When I say I can’t really recall how my elbow got the impact it’s not my way of trying to hide what may look like the obvious so stop trying to insinuate a situation that was not actually the case.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953242#Comment_117953242

I am not insinuating anything. I asked you a question because your whole account sounds questionable.

Why you’d want to make this work is beyond me as it’s clear that neither of you even like each other. But each to their own. Best of luck

[Deleted User]

Francie81, you're really glossing over everything that was said in the previous thread, including that your wife felt racially abused by your family, and you basically ignored her needs for ten years, after she moved here from another country for you and you knew she wanted to live somewhere other than rural Louth.

Which tells me you really haven't learnt anything or taken on board any of the advice you were given in that previous thread .

The marriage is over. Time to do what needs to be done to formalise the separation, with kids front and centre.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953338#Comment_117953338

Actually no I was in fact giving this relocation a proper go (but not forever in my head) but it was when the whole thing of more kids was mentioned that triggered it all, and with how she didn’t feel happy where she was and that a relocation to the city was the be all and end all is questionable from what I observed despite me going with it.

fitzparker

Why the different threads, You got 50 pieces of advise in the last one, and then a new one set up (with half the info from the first left out) are you trying to validate your right?

if the first one didn't work why this one?

This isn't a sitcom, posters aren't savoring the moment for you to write back, in no way can replying to everyone and getting all there opinions will this help you.

my two cents - Sounds like this is both your first partner.... you met once, you married through lust not love and had a child just as quick. you were close to 30 having a child, your wife was 20.

regardless she never got to experience a new life as a married wife, exploring, adjusting to Ireland, as soon as she came her she was a pregnant/mother. Stuck in a house in a foreign country. Now everything is unraveling, she see's she might have potential and looks like she is blaming you as she is 30 and nothing to show form it.

I am not defending either of you, one is using the kids the other sounds like he is trying to rally an army of boards friends, both wrong.

You need professional advise and not deviate from it, Doctor Google doesn't help.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953533#Comment_117953533

Agree with a lot of what’s in there and to be fair much of that advice given then is what am doing now when it really should of being then which I accept was wrong on my part.

mohawk

I don’t know which of ye is the worst culprit in this situation. It’s possible she baits you and you respond and it’s also possible you over react to things. None of that matters. What matters is the children. My ex can be a d**k and loved saying things to me that are hurtful and spiteful. However, I do not react to it in front of our son and rarely react to it when our son can’t witness it. Now it’s not easy to rise above it especially when you are being forced to listen to blatant lies and manipulation, however I think of the long term relationship with my son.

Get help managing your emotions OP and protect your children from all this drama as best you can. Long term it will benefit your relationship with them. Get a solicitor as it’s unlikely the two of you can agree on access etc. It is unlikely your marriage can be saved but if you work on yourself then it will benefit the children.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953640#Comment_117953640

I get that you can relate to my situation and your right, thanks very much for the input.

ahappychappy

You both sound like ye need to grow up! There are kids watching their parents - their reference for all relationships in their life act like toddlers! Keep the kids out of it. Access counselling for yourself to try tease out tools to help you deal with the situation. Look into mediation with your wife to agree a co-parenting plan. And for the love of all that is good - stop being in each others company around your kids - they dont deserve this and it is doing harm to them it will impact on their lives, their education and their behaviour - someone has to step up and stop the cycle - be that person. Your wife can either join you in prioritising the kids or not - but if you stop the reaction and engaging in the behaviours then the kids will be better off.

francie81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117954117#Comment_117954117

100% agree and I have hinted this many a time that we don’t have to be enemies when it’s about the kids if whatever we have is not working.

ahappychappy

Stop hinting - communicate clearly - there is a lot of you said she thinks and vice versa. Step back and step up. She can join you or not but if someone doesnt engage it cant escalate. There is a five year old out there who could be thinking it is my fault because it happened on their birthday. Get the tools you need and sort yourself out - it is the piece in this situation you have control over.