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Is the gay dating scene getting worse or is it just me?

eaglach

I've recently gotten back to the dating scene after taking a bit of a hiatus due to Covid. I've ventured onto the various apps - Tinder, Grindr and Hinge.

In the past couple of weeks I matched with about 12 guys on Tinder. I take the approach that if I'm the one who matches, I'll send the first message. If they match with me I would expect that they send me a message first, otherwise I just view them as match collectors. I don't know why you wouldn't message straight away otherwise.

There's 4 guys who are sitting there as matches and haven't messaged me, 3 who I've sent an opening message and no response and then the remaining 5 who have fallen off the face of the earth mid conversation. I'm the last one to send a message in every conversation!

I have no idea what's going on. Without sounding cocky, I would say I'm a fairly decent looking guy... at least that's what I've been told. So I don't think looks are why I'm not getting dates, or else why would they have matched. I'm eager to get back onto the dating scene and have been trying to line up any kind of date for my weekends but I'm really struggling.

Is it just me? Maybe there's just a lot of competition out there and I need to open with an invite for a date!

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Citrus_8

Some people in these apps sadly aren't looking for dates or relationships. Some indeed are. Some don't even know what they want... A mix of everything. But I'd say motivation is low out there. Need to put a lot of time and effort. Or, sometimes, just be at the right moment. I also think some of them know what they want and may be quick to judge thinking they know what type of personality it is. That's basically not letting themselves to learn about the person better. I find online dating apps to be tricky - people online are different than in the real world. And some aren't willing to meet any time soon so you may get stuck swapping the messages for weeks or months. I find it slightly annoying sometimes as it's limiting.

LLMMLL

Online is not real life. People don't feel the same about a few pleasant looking pics than they would about an actual person standing in front of them chatting to them.

I don't really understand the "they matched with me so they should send first" and vice versa rule. Tinder is 100% equal. You both swiped right. There's no rule about who should message first.

breatheme

You're better off meeting people in Meetup Groups and in person and the like. Online dating hasn't got worse: it's always been kind of bad, and as you get older, dating gets harder.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058205466/is-the-gay-dating-scene-getting-worse-or-is-it-just-me

Straight guy here with exactly the same problem. So its definitely not just you. Matched with a lovely girl a few days ago, were having chats and craic, this morning, either its a tinder glitch or she unmatched. I thought things were going great.

In the past year I've dated 2 people who said themselves they were new to the dating scene.

#1 after a few dates said she didn't feel a spark when we kissed. OK fair enough. Pity because I really liked her

#2 we dated for about 3 months but she broke up with me because she likes to go out and do things whereas I like to stay at home(Her words). FYI, this was during Level 5 lockdown, and it was winter. Everything was closed, and the rain was going horizontally because the wind was so strong (Where did she want to go?)

It's not just you. I think everything is disposable nowadays for people, including other people. They think "If he or she is not 100% perfect, i'll ghost them, leave them or dump them, and just get another". Unfortunately, the reality is, everyone ends up alone.

I console myself with the idea that the two who ended things need to go on 20 or 30 or 40 really bad dates, and they might think "Actually that galway fella wasn't so bad after all".

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795208#Comment_117795208

Yeah - I dont have rules like that either and it seems weird to me.

Annasopra

I think there is also a Covid fatigue/exhaustion/weariness thing going on that people dont feel over motivated to go on dates right now

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797012#Comment_117797012

I'm dreading going back to the apps but I know I will soon enough. I've been using covid as an excuse not to for long enough now. Trying to find someone on the apps was always a bit soul crushing in the gay world.

AustinLostin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797001#Comment_117797001

I think its a fair enough rule...if you swipe on a person and its a match, but don't feel the need or want to send a message or pursue anything further, it kind of makes the whole thing slightly pointless and a bit lazy. I wouldn't consider OP weird to not want to follow up these people. Then again I have never used these apps so might be missing something.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795208#Comment_117795208

Well if they swiped on me and it says "match" why wouldn't they message? If they were genuinely interested they would say something, even a hello. Maybe they want to feel desired and is some kind of ego thing, I don't know. It's like if someone came up to you in a bar, tapped you on the shoulder and then just stared at you saying nothing!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795634#Comment_117795634

I would definitely prefer to meet people in person, but it's hard to get over that first hump of getting anyone to agree to meet! Meetup sounds okay in theory, but I have this impression (likely false) that it's largely full of people who have difficulty making friends. I think that stems from someone I knew well who was a very odd man and was a regular at these group meetups!

I didn't have these problems on the apps before. I'm starting to wonder if my messages are not actually getting through!

LLMMLL

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815315#Comment_117815315

Well it's not really like the bar analogy because it would be entire socially unacceptable to tap someone on the shoulder in a bar and stare into their face while it's entirely socially acceptable to not message someone on an app.

It's more like going into a bar and magically having the option of finding out exactly who in the bar found you vaguely attractive. You don't have to go seal the deal with any of them but I think many people would like to have this info with no pressure to do anything about it.

I also think there's an element of how tinder in particular works here in contrast to Grindr. Some guys I see on the apps I'm just like YES and want to interact immediately. They're either generically handsome and appealing or just my type or whatever. Other I think "cute" "decent" etc but am not mad about. Maybe in person I'd be mad about them but I'm not sure. I don't agonise over these decisions they're instinct.

In Grindr I just don't message the people I'm not sure about. I can always see them next time I scroll through. In Tinder you have to make a match decision and if you decide no they are gone forever. So people swipe match and think "maybe I'll come back later" so don't message the person.

Basically if your matching but no messaging with a person then to them you're a maybe. That's it. No mystery.

Also if you were having more success a few years ago it much be to do with ageing. Internet dating can be ruthless about looks and age.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815407#Comment_117815407

Interesting thoughts. I never consider anyone on Tinder as "maybes" and that's why I always message. If they were a maybe I'd just not bother matching, but I guess from what you're saying that's not how others view it?

I don't think it's an age thing. I'm in my early thirties and have never had issues matching with guys, more or less. I'm still matching, but the conversations are gone. And any conversations that do start tend to just abruptly stop for no reason. I try to arrange a date ASAP to avoid drawn out chats, but I can't even get to that point!

There was even this guy who said he would really like to go for a drink with me on the same day I matched with him. I really didn't want to because I was out the night before and the last thing I wanted was alcohol. He kept trying to convince me but I kept saying no and then suggested meeting for a walk and then he stopped messaging! Really strange behaviour which seems to be regular now.

I'm a bit prideful and don't like sending a follow up message after the previous one was unanswered, but at this stage I think I need to try anything to just meet another person in the flesh!

LLMMLL

I honestly think a lot of these things are easy to explain. You seem very surprised that this guy didn't want to go for a walk. But you didn't want to go for a drink. He had his reason as did you. I guess the only difference is he wasn't bothered engaging anymore and explaining his thoughts. But that's how many people approach internet dating. Extremely low investment.

I think you were lucky not to encounter this before. The primary complaint about Tinder for years and years and years is matching but no messaging.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815745#Comment_117815745

What surprised me was that someone that was so keen on meeting for a drink suddenly ghosts me when I say I wanted to go for a walk instead. This was mid-conversation, as in we were messaging each other every couple of minutes. Just very odd.

I always have kept my expectations low on Tinder and have encountered the match collectors, the ghosting, the strange messages etc. but it just seems to be everyone now. 15 matches and no messages for maybe a week now? I don't know if you're currently on Tinder but that's not normal.

LLMMLL

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815808#Comment_117815808

I am on it but wouldn't be a heavy user. I prefer Grindr.

I still think it's fairly easy to explain that guy. He wanted something instant. Probably subconsciously. Once you pushed it off to not instant it just wasn't appealing to him anymore. He probably have it no thought at all.

He may also have had the experience (which I have had a lot) of people putting off dates and hookups and they're never going to happen. "tonight is bad" often means never, even if it shouldn't. Haven't you ever had someone tell you "tonight is bad but can meet at weekend" then at the weekend there's some reason why that doesn't work either.

Anyway seems like you're having bad luck but unless the pandemic had some kind of effect I'm not aware of then I don't think there's been a major change in internet dating.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815315#Comment_117815315

To me thats oversprescriptive and setting up uneccessary arbitrary rules. In my view if 2 people match there are no rules about who should send a message first. If I match with someone I might send a message and I might not but having rules that I wont message first because xyz is just plain odd to me, its restrictive and could actually potentially mean just being too silly and proud to send a message to someone I like.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815315#Comment_117815315

Yeah your impressions are definitely false - I went before to various different groups (maybe 5 or 6) and I found them full of friendly outgoing people.

Gael23

Finding this a bit too. Grindr has its uses but it’s not real life. I get matches on Tinder but they don’t lewd to anything.

problem is a lot of the gay meet-ups are not back up and running yet

[Deleted User]

I’ve given up on apps entirely and deleted them. I have never really liked meeting people like that. It’s cold and transactional to me and I end up meeting someone for coffee or a pint and then you can see they’re clearly gagging for it, and I’m not into it for some reason, and it just drifts off after a single meeting.

My most recent example: had a guy match up on Tinder, be super friendly, and then found me on Twitter and was being all very friendly. I probably wasn’t enthusiastic enough and he just stopped interacting with me entirely me, and I guess must be annoyed that I didn’t respond enough or something.

I don’t really know how to date anymore. Maybe I never did?

I’m a bi male and I’ve had a few good and bad m/f and m/m relationships, but I don’t know they always end up with me being more into chats and hanging out and people just drift. My long term m/f relationship effectively ended because I wasn’t having enough sex and same happens with guys.

It’s like everyone wants to be in some kind of hot porn movie and I just have it the other way around, and want to actually hang out, go to gigs, do stuff together, go travelling etc etc etc

I get plenty of attention, but I don’t seem to be able to make it work. I often don’t even realise people are flirting with me until they practically slap me and tell me they are.

It’s at the stage I just don’t bother anymore. I am happy enough to read a book, although I miss the hanging out element and chilling and being loved up, but I suppose I’m just not on the same wavelength as most people when it comes to this.

I really miss the ability to go on holidays or even for a meal, as I don’t like being on my own, find it kinda excruciating to go out by myself somewhere, so I usually just go grab food with friends or whatever, but it’s all sort of headed towards a sense that I would prefer a good movie than a tinder date and grinder is just way too full on for me lol

It’s not some moralising thing either and I’ve had people try to analyse it that way too. I’m totally comfortably bi and about as non conservative as it comes, but I just never really seem to have felt that drive to hook up with random people. It does nothing for me at all.

I think I’m just boring lol.

scullersky

Hey guys, years since I posted on this forum. It's definitely about time again. I'm 31, from Kerry, live in Dublin now the past 2.5 years. I didn't get out too much before lockdown and don't really have any gay mates in Dublin. I really would love to change that. I wouldn't really go out on my own so that is my biggest problem. I tried the dating apps too for dates... Tindr, POF, Grindr etc... I really just wanna start getting out now and meeting new people when everything starts reopening. But for me to do that I'd have to have something planned first with someone. Like one of the above posters, I'm not very camp and not really into it. I've no issue with it, just not for me. Any advice on how to meet lads for mates/dates id appreciate the advice.

Artdeco30

I am venturing back into the dating scene after a long relationship. I could also do with more gay friends - am finally seeing their importance! I happened upon this thread this morning and thought 'Everyone who commented there seems sound. Wouldn't it be great to meet them - maybe go on a group hike or something!'

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118344923#Comment_118344923

Best of luck

Liberty_Bear

My friend runs the Dublin Mens Group on Meet Up, they have been pretty good though quiet with the restrictions.

Im inclined to agree that meeting men can be tough with the restrictions and having done a lot of one night stands, it can be hard when everyone is in either an open relationship or just looking for hook ups.

Tinder is a strange fish, POF is terrible !! Plus being a big lad into other big lads is a bit niche but thats who I am!

Artdeco30

No takers for my hike suggestion then :-)

The thread is about the gay dating scene but as a newbie I'm interested in the fact that it is almost exclusively about apps and meetup groups, with little mention of clubs and bars.

What is the club and bar scene like now? I only did online the first time I was single (It was before apps!!!) because I was terrified of the idea of the George etc. In retrospect I feel I severely restricted the number of people I met by doing this.

I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin now and am in various gay meetup groups. I haven't ventured onto apps yet but will soon - various threads like this have been really helpful if a bit depressing at times!

I'm clueless about the bars and clubs, which as I say I avoided with great determination when single before. What role do they play in the gay scene now? Do people approach strangers in the bars and chat them up or has that all been replaced by the apps?

Any suggestions and advice welcome, including the differences between the venues.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118404587#Comment_118404587

Hey fella

Depends what you are seeking I suppose. With bars closing early its not great at the moment.

I drink in Nealons or Jusrassic as I prefer an older crowd, Street 66 is not a great spot in my experience, Panti gets a nice crown and the main club part of the George is fun

Artdeco30

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118411022#Comment_118411022

Thanks! Yes I guess bars and clubs haven't been at their most vibrant for two years!

I guess ultimately I'm seeking a husband :-) A non-clingy hunk with a brain in his thirties would be ideal. A friend says Frontrunners or Tindr is my best bet.

Why don't you like Street 66, as a matter of interest?

Do people mingle freely/chat up strangers in these places or is it more about groups of friends hanging out now?

[Deleted User]

OP - I totally get what you're saying. It looked like I wrote what you said! :)

I was about to post a thread here but saw this one. Similar story really. I had a long time off dating (for a mixture of life reasons) and I'm in great shape now, ready to date. I downloaded the usual apps and much of the same situations as described above. I also agree with the 'if we match when I swipe, I'll message you' expecting the same. After all, I'm not there to match for my ego or to pass time.

A month ago I went on a date with a lovely lad who said in his Tinder profile that he wanted something serious. He was 'newly gay', just a few years out, in his mid-thirties. After we slept together, he acted really weird. All considered, I partially don't think he knew what he wanted, and partially wanted all options or to not commit. I said let's move on and he became a real a-hole. Another example of someone going nuclear when they feel rejected.

I matched with a hot lad on Hinge over the weekend. Initially he said he aimed for something more, but later that night asked me if I was open to just fun? No. I didn't sign up to a relationship app for fun. (All the reviews, the app advertising clearly target LTR and the fact that you have to wear clothes, have face pics. talk personality clearly shows it's not about sex).

I opened my Tinder and there's the last week of matches, where they match me and do nothing or I messaged them and nothing happens. WTF? I think I swipe right to about 1-2 out of 10 profiles. So that's 10-20%. How many messages have I sent (e.g. on Hinge) and no replies? 5%? I just don't like these numbers. Honestly I feel a little hopeless at this maze.

[Deleted User]

Also I like the gay mates option. I'll deffo be getting back on Meetup.com etc. Thanks lads.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118412474#Comment_118412474

No atmosphere for me, then again I prefer an older crowd so maybe Im just a stick in the mud!

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413559#Comment_118413559

Entirely that lads loss mate

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413559#Comment_118413559

Honestly this seems really weird to me that you wont message people on Tinder because of who matched who. Its really simple in my view If you think you like then message them. Anything else (in my view) is overthinking it and an opportunity lost