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wife on phone a lot

LegacyUser

going anon for this.
dont know what i am expecting by writing this here, maybe to just get it off my chest is one thing but here goes.
married with three kids, all under 11. wife is not from Ireland but has been here over 15 years. She doesnt have may friends and is not good at making friends. She has started to play a game on her phone, some role play game and it is taking up all of her time. I mean at least 3 hours a day after work for her and more at the weekend. She has made some friends on it and they all seem to be abroad. There are now phone calls. Some of the calls are late at night - she is not trying to hide the calls, so no issues there. She asked me if it was ok to go to america to visit a female friend she made on the game. I was initially shocked and i told her it was a bit sad to travel to america to see some one. I didnt want to go to hard but i honestly think its a bit sad. She now told me today that some other woman is coming from england for three days next month with her husband. They have booked a b&b in dublin for one of the nights (my wife included) I was shocked when she told me that as we live about an hour from Dublin so if they were just sightseeing then she wouldn't need a bnb. Overall i think this is just bizarre behavior for an adult and i would be embarrassed if any of my friends or family hear about the carry on. I suppose it all comes down to trust and i just dont know what to think.

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YellowLead

Are you invited to the b&b too?

Purple Mountain

YellowLead wrote: »

Are you invited to the b&b too?

Exactly. If the friend is bringing a husband, you should be invited too.
Also, going to America on her own to meet a total stranger? No, that's just weird.
Spending all that money to meet someone you've never physically meet? Sounds very fishy.

qwerty13

Maybe she’s lonely and has connected with these people over a common interest - but is there no one in Ireland she can connect with through it?

I’m afraid it just doesn’t sit right with me either. Even if it was people from her home country, that might sit better. And, forgive my ignorance, but role playing like Dungeons & Dragons, or is it a slightly different kind of role playing?

Most people work approx 8 hours, sleep approx 8 hours - so 8 hours left for cooking, meals, chores, homework help, kids activities, family time - and she’s spending almost half that time on strangers on a game?! That doesn’t feel like a good or fair idea to me.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies.
The game is similar to Dungeons and Dragons, i played it for a weekend and then deleted it. It is really addictive.
I am not invited to the trip to Dublin - i presume i am the babysitter! She had asked before if it was ok if a friend came over from England and i wasnt keen on the idea at the time. There was no mention of Husband coming or a night in Dublin at the time and yesterday as we were driving it was a very casual by the way my friend and her husband are coming over from England.
If i seen this on a TV show i would be thing what the hell!

The "friends" are coming for three nights and i asked which night are they going to Dublin. I then said i am going away for the other two nights. This led to a massive row and she was asking why are you going away. I just said that if you are doing your thing i will do mine, if you are going away for a night so will i. She now says that she feels that i am punishing her by doing this, she has finally made fiends and while she didnt say i was spoiling it on it was was the impression i got. I think this is mean and she is trying to manipulate me.

LegacyUser

Suggest the money for the holiday in America can be used to visit her family at home. After a year of lockdown the children need s break away and meet relatives is always a good idea.

B.A._Baracus

So your wife has invited a woman she doesn't know, along with her husband over, and all three will be staying in a b&b in Dublin?

To fu*k with that. That couple is gonna try it on with your wife. In fact, friends or no friends, why is your wife agreeing / and or suggesting to go along with that? That's sex.

YellowLead

It’s just very odd that she is staying in a b&b given you live near Dublin! Why not just meet them for lunch??? She could get a bus home then or you could collect.

Also - she doesn’t know the husband only the woman - so odd that she didn’t even try and include you??? Like she could have asked you if a relative could babysit, or all of you go together including the kids and meet them for lunch.
Fair enough she wants her own friend - but the other husband is going....

It’s very odd. The whole b&b thing.

And also why is she now cross that you want to go away without her when she is doing the same?
It sounds like you might have bigger fish to fry with this relationship in terms of how you communicate and get on in general.

retro:electro

Just from a basic safety point of view first and foremost I wouldn’t be happy with that.. not to mention the fact you’re not even invited. You wouldn’t be being unreasonable at all to tell her you’re completely uncomfortable with it

Rubberchikken

You both need to sit down, with no interruptions, and talk truthfully and calmly.
Tbh I don't know how anyone could get anything done and play some game for hours on end.

Also how.any adult thinks it's sensible to head off to meet what are effectively strangers in a b &b is astonishing to say the least.

From a safety point of view this is questionable.

I also don't think dealing with these issues by hitting back with your nights away etc is going to solve anything.

dobman88

I think being on the phone is the least of your worries here.

If my missus came to me and said she was off to meet random people from some online game or wanted to go to America to meet a stranger, I'd be asking serious questions and suggesting she delete the game.

This is extremely odd behaviour, to say the least.

Dog day

Hi OP, it’s relatively rare on Boards that both the original poster & literally every person responding are in agreement! This is one of those rare cases.

You’re absolutely right to think that this is very odd behaviour.

I think there’s a much bigger & more complex picture here, firstly your wife is away from her homeland, obviously lonely for friendship & possibly excited that she’s made some new connections but as you know these are online strangers, not actual friends. Can you try to sit down with her & have a calm conversation & sensitively suggest other safer ways of starting to try to make some new ‘real life’ friends. (As an aside these types of games are of course designed to be addictive & even well rounded people with plenty of hobbies & busy lives can get sucked in by them).

It’s a truly tricky one but I agree with the poster that said it’s not the right approach for you to respond with the attitude of: ‘if she’s going away for a night so will you!’ One of you has to be the voice of reason here & clearly the onus is on you in this regard.

Without wanting to be dramatic she could jeopardise your relationship by engaging in such risky & frankly nonsensical behaviour by meeting total strangers on a whim like this. I don’t blame you being embarrassed by this, I’d be mortified if my partner were to behave in this way! I’d be extremely worried too, your wife needs some help to understand that her actions are bizarre in the extreme. The very best of luck.

leggo

I agree this is an odd situation and largely agree with others' assessment. However, my experience is that an odd situation is usually only odd when you get one side of the story, and when you hear both everyone's actions tend to make sense. So without your wife here OP, I'm going to play devil's advocate.

The thing that struck me about your post at first was the almost comfort you had at your wife not having many friends and the judgement that immediately came when her circumstances started to change. It's actually fairly normal for people who are lonely to turn to games and online avenues to meet like-minded people. At the end of the day, especially in 2021, online is just an extension of real life now and we all try meet and connect with people who appreciate and see us. Some of us are super social so make friends easily with the neighbours, work colleagues, down the gym etc...some others find that tough so turn online. It might've been seen as a bit odd 20-30 years ago when the internet was new and scary, it's not at all anymore.

Tbh, in a normal, loving relationship if a partner struggles to make friends then finds some way to do so, usually the other partner would embrace it and be happy for her. There's none of that from you here, not even a cursory "good for her" when you started describing her making friends. Instead you're dropping in passive-aggressive comments about the length of time she spends on the game and the closest you came was "no problem there"...which is really just you looking at it from your own perspective and feelings on the matter rather than understanding her need to meet others.

The next things that made me iffy were that:

1) She asked "if it was okay" to go to America. Partners in healthy, equal relationships don't ask each other for permission to do things. They have discussions about each other's needs and make compromises as best they can to suit the relationship. My mam and dad will travel with friends/family and without each other from time to time, for example. They don't ask each other if it's okay, they tell each other about this cool thing they can do and make plans for how it'll be possible to facilitate that. You speak about her looking for permission as if it's normal though.
2) Your instinct was to ridicule her as being "sad" for the perfectly natural thing of wanting to meet others instead of understanding or wanting to figure out a way it'd be practical for her to have friends.

I mean, don't get me wrong, her behaviour is bizarre too...particularly around the need to stay in a B&B with a couple. I'm not disagreeing with what's been said so far. (Though I'd be a little less quick to rush to the conclusion that she has, absolutely and without question, joined a sex cult as others... :pac:)

But I do feel this is a very slanted, one-sided story that many may have felt differently about if it was your wife posting here instead with her perspective...and my concern is that you're just giving us enough info to agree with you so you can use it as validation against your wife. But I'm getting some alarm bells off the little you've given us here so I'm not comfortable telling you you're completely right here.

screamer

Sounds like she’s playing more of a game than what’s going on on the phone. It’s not normal, God knows who these people really are, and I don’t trust online stuff. TBH it sounds like she’s just checked out of reality. She may be lonely, but you need to ask her what it is that she lacks that she finds online. I find it odd that grown people are desperate for friends tbh, but maybe that’s just me. I think you also need to be clear with her about how her actions are affecting your relationship and I presume the kids are ignored too so that she can play online games. That should not happen. She needs a good dose of cop on.

Wanderer78

Do you think there's a possibility your wife's autistic?

Dial Hard

There's also the small matter of the fact that anyone arriving from the UK still has to self-quarantine for at least 5 days after arrival and that's with a negative PCR test. So I don't know how this pair are planning to stay for three days. And visitors from Ireland are still currently banned from the US so that was never going to happen either.

OP, is it possible that these plans are as much of a fantasy as the RPG itself and will never actually come to fruition? There can often be an element of blue skying involved when you make online friends who live in another country.

Dtp1979

Maybe it’s just me but this screams some weird sexual swingers scenario

Beechwoodspark

OP ...Personally if my wife told me she was going to a B and B to meet a stranger and her husband for an overnight.

And the stranger was someone she met online coming over from Uk specifically for this...

...after I composed myself from the shock ..... I would not let that lie for one minute

I’d say “oh so the hubby is going is he. sure I will head up with you for the weekend.”

If she mentioned about minding the kids I’d say “well we have plenty of time to organise your mam or sister or my sister even to mind the kids for the night” diff story if this was last minute but it’s not.

If she was still adamant she was going alone....

I’d say I am equally adamant I will travel to dublin with you as on a very basic level this is potentially risky behaviour considering you have never even met these people.

Something not right here op and I think you know that yourself

[Deleted User]

husb b wrote: »

The "friends" are coming for three nights and i asked which night are they going to Dublin. I then said i am going away for the other two nights. This led to a massive row and she was asking why are you going away. I just said that if you are doing your thing i will do mine, if you are going away for a night so will i. She now says that she feels that i am punishing her by doing this, she has finally made fiends and while she didnt say i was spoiling it on it was was the impression i got. I think this is mean and she is trying to manipulate me.

This is ridiculous, why would you do/say such a thing? It does actually sound like you are trying to punish her.
Separately, lots of people meet online and then become friends irl, it's fairly common, particularly if they have something in common, like a game.
I would just wait and see how she gets on with these friends.

xhomelezz

After reading your posts OP, the best advice IMO, is to sit down and talk, both of you. You won't resolve it on boards. Did you ever considered, she feels so lonely, so she goes and try to find friends this way? I'm very sorry for saying this, but the relationship you guys have, doesn't sound healthy at all. Just my feeling tho.

ClosedAccountFuzzy

This is a very strange thread.

I’d be more concerned about the patronising and controlling comments than I would be about anything else and they’re not just from the OP.

Yeah, going abroad to meet people from an online interaction isn’t always a very good idea, but people do actually meet up from games, boards, Twitter, you name it! Virtual and real worlds do intersect and you are talking to real people, the vast majority of whom aren’t serial killers or psychopaths.

What jumps out to me is that you’re not interacting with your wife like she’s an adult. Together with some of the comments on the thread, it’s like reading something from the 1950s.

Also people have just been locked down for months and months due to the pandemic, and a lot of our interactions have been virtual. Many people have been doing things like participating in games, online Meetup groups and all sorts of things like that. There have been extremely limited social outlets for over a year at this stage and even with the opening of dining etc, it’s still limited.

Maybe you might be better off starting by improving your communication with your wife and not treating her like she’s in your guardianship.

Most couples might actually have a chat about stuff like this. You’re creating a scenario where someone’s going to feel they have to hide things.

Sorry if this is a bit blunt but the tone of this thread is really surprising to me.

YellowLead

I don’t think making friends online is that weird (however the amount of time spent online gaming is not cool with young kids in the picture) - sure that’s how lots of people date so not that odd it works for making friends too.

But it is very very weird she is staying at a b&b with them, especially when living near Dublin where she’s meeting them so zero need for b&b.
Also - another poster made a good point about quarantine!
Is this trip far in the future OP?

JustAThought

Have you seen the phone bills OP - or is she using free & encrypted lines like whatsapp? Spending two and three hours a day on the phone talking/roleplaying to strangers in person is not normal. There is a level of personal interaction that is not there with ‘gaming’ online or typing onto a forum - its FAR more intimate and personal. And for this it’s worrying.

No doubt she feels they’re friends but why are they coming over here? From the Uk or America. Have they heard of cobid? Of quarrentine? Of the dangers they can bring to her and you and your children in terms of health and exposure.
Why are they travelling here? The tourist industry is shut. No tourist sites or proper pubs or proper indoor restaurants are open. Did she invite them? Why would you go to a meet and also sleepover with strangers you’ve never met? I can pretend to be a lot of things on the phone. I’m not any of them. Nor am I in person the character I might play in a game . I’m a different person in real life. She likes the sound of them but in fact has no idea of who they actually are. And we already know they are great at role playing - pretending to be someone else and presenting a cover. What does she pretend to be in this ‘game’. What’s it even called?

You’re right to be worried and you’re right to think this is extremely worrying.

I PM people here on boards & feel I ‘know’ some boardsies but I wouldn’t fly to America to meet them for the first time for an entire holiday - without my partner & with no plan or idea of consequences. Or the impact in ‘my spouse or children’ or covid consequences. Let alone the selfishness of the cost and disruption. Does she have 5k she wants to blow on meeting a stranger - or is this coming out of the family budget or a a family holiday you now won’t have together?

She might be outgoing and gregarious and adventerous and a natural risk taker but if she is all these things why has she never exhibited these characteristics since coming to Ireland? Why has she made no friends or joined no clubs or bonded with no-one? 15 years is along time and with kids its easier to meet females and have something in common to bond over and form friendships from. And now bb and long haul holidays with strangers inna global pandemic. More than odd.

The whole think stinks.

People here saying you’re controlling her - if she wanted to go to her local pub and meet a mate or a new friend they would be right but this is totally different. Its peciular and worrying and dark and extremely troubling . Is it the same person she was going to go to America ‘to see’ - the same person who has booked a BnB room for her that you’re not allowed /invited to go to. Is it the same ‘game’.? Or people from the same ‘game’ or group? Or has she randomly decided she has to spend time - overnight - with two totally different SETS of people she dosn’t know and has never met - overnighting with them the first time she meets them? Not a meet up with you in a pub but with you specifically excluded either her or abroad and a short hour or two drink/meal and meet not an option ?

It is extremely abnormal and tbh worrying. Even for someone gregarious and outgoing with a new ‘hobby’. you are right to be 150% concerned.

No doubt she has now lost contact or relevance with her old friends from her home country but this is Michael Jackson territory.

leggo

I just want to add this since this thread has clearly set off a lot of people’s anxieties, creating a hysteria that’s showing up who’s a bit of a controlling nutcase on here tbh...

If your partner is going to cheat on you, you can’t stop them. You also shouldn’t and have no right to. Even if you’re married and have kids, that doesn’t give you the right to physically restrain someone if they’re going to do something legal that will upset you. So all this “put the foot down” talk is nonsense and won’t work. Seriously, someone used the term ‘beta’ earlier...do you realise being needy, clingy and desperate in trying to pressure or force someone to stay faithful to you is the absolute epitome of ‘beta’ behaviour? You’re not ‘being a man’ by trying to lock your wife in a house so she doesn’t go off and ride some strangers in a B&B, and if that’s how you view ‘being a man’ then seek counselling.

The option is here for the OP to have an honest and open conversation. Don’t slant it by trying to judge your wife for every decision she makes that doesn’t involve or benefit you, as you’ve done in your initial OP. Don’t get into childish, tit-for-tat arguing like “If you’re going away Tuesday then I’m going away Thursday...” Having that level of communication where any attempt to be honest is met with a put-down or dig is exactly how you create a situation that ends up like “My wife is like this, why did she never tell me??”

Ask her what’s going on, try understand what the logic is and why she feels she needs this, be open to it and understanding with the idea of getting to the bottom of it and figuring out what’s actually happening and if it means anything at all for your marriage (it may not). Even if she’s done with you and what’s to go travel with a sex cult living from B&B to B&B across the planet, you’re not going to be able to lock her up so you may as well find out the truth of what’s going on so you can deal with it.

Jequ0n

I’d most certainly have a look at the phone and the actual conversations

xhomelezz

What if is it as simple as op's wife wanna get the fcùk out from the house..on her own and do her own things. And that doesn't mean to have sex. Maybe she feels isolated, no friends so she just want to meet other people outside the normal circle of peeps around her. See as another poster pointed out, there are always two sides of story. So we can keep speculations coming, but it won't help op at all imo, at the end is inevitable for op to sit down with his wife and start talking to each other, not fighting, just talking. If there's problem with that, they might consider to speak to counselor or whatever.

[Deleted User]

husb b wrote: »

married with three kids, all under 11. wife is not from Ireland but has been here over 15 years. She doesnt have may friends and is not good at making friends.

She has made some friends on it and they all seem to be abroad.

Ooph my heart. So, she's living in a foreign country, away from family, and isn't good at making new friends. She's married you and had your children and she's stayed here for 15 years without (from what I can gather) any local support network outside of her relationship with you. Anyone in that position would be very lonely and feel fairly powerless, surely?

She's finally made some friends, and you tell her it's sad? As in the meaning of 'sad' to mean 'a bit pathetic'? That's horrible. That's truly horrible.

If I was you I'd be doing my best to facilitate her new friendships by helping her make sure the situation is safe, rather than belittling her and trying to cut her off from finding a life of her own outside of just being a wife and mother.

Fann Linn

In fairness to the spouse I think she's being very honest.Surely if some hanky panky was going to take place she'd come up with a better excuse. Ffs, heading off to play Dungeons & Dragons, it's different.

runawaybishop

Some weird posts here. It's pretty common in the online gaming community to meet up with people. If she was up to no good then shes not very good at covering her tracks. She just sounds lonely and sick of the house to me.

Faith

husb b wrote: »

She doesnt have may friends and is not good at making friends.

She asked me if it was ok to go to america to visit a female friend she made on the game. I was initially shocked and i told her it was a bit sad to travel to america to see some one. I didnt want to go to hard but i honestly think its a bit sad.

Overall i think this is just bizarre behavior for an adult and i would be embarrassed if any of my friends or family hear about the carry on.

husb b wrote: »

She had asked before if it was ok if a friend came over from England and i wasnt keen on the idea at the time.

So you've shut down several requests by her and been incredibly judgemental. What have you done to facilitate and encourage her to make and develop friendships? Your posts just put her down and denigrate her.

husb b wrote: »

The "friends" are coming for three nights and i asked which night are they going to Dublin. I then said i am going away for the other two nights. This led to a massive row and she was asking why are you going away. I just said that if you are doing your thing i will do mine, if you are going away for a night so will i. She now says that she feels that i am punishing her by doing this, she has finally made fiends and while she didnt say i was spoiling it on it was was the impression i got. I think this is mean and she is trying to manipulate me.

What in the world made you think this was acceptable or appropriate? You ARE spoiling it on her and you DO sound like you're attempting to punish her for daring to do something without you.

husb b wrote: »

I am not invited to the trip to Dublin - i presume i am the babysitter!

It's not babysitting when it's YOUR children.

From my reading, we have a sad, lonely woman with no friends and living away from her home country, who is so desperate for friendship and connection to others that she's resorted to strangers online from different countries. How have you encouraged and supported her to make friends in a more safe, local way before this?

If you're that concerned, why don't you suggest to her that you'll drive her to Dublin and pick her up when she's ready to come home, so that she doesn't need the B&B? You could even meet the friends briefly too.

I think it's odd and possibly telling that she's making all these plans without you being involved - going to America or even Dublin. You weren't invited to either. I'd be asking myself why she doesn't want you to come (and I don't think it's because it's an affair).

I played an online game a couple of years ago and became quite friendly with one woman from New Zealand. As it happened, my husband and I were planning a trip to NZ about 10 months later. I stopped playing the game in the interim but she and I stayed in touch and my husband and I met her for a drink when we stayed in her town in New Zealand. There was nothing weird or sinister about it.

[Deleted User]

Why wouldn't she stay in Dublin if she is meeting someone? They will clearly be meeting up, having a few drinks, how would she get home after?
I work in Dublin and if we have a night out many of the people I work with would stay in Dublin that night, because they are going drinking. Seems perfectly understandable to me!
Jesus, I know many couples that have met online and are now married or have kids together, this is not unusual....
I'm personally going to meet up with people that I interact with online, now covid restrictions are gone. It's perfectly normal
What is wrong with posters that think it's weird?