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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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Capt'n Midnight

If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again....

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

frag420

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again....

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

That joke sucks...

The Witches Cat

Did you hear about the Gay Magician???
He vanished with a Poof!!

Capt'n Midnight

frag420 wrote: »

That joke sucks...

I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.

It was only gathering dust.

The Princess Bride

Actually, most people prefer vacuum cleaners to brushes, for cleaning their floors.
Bit of a sweeping generalisation, I know.

frag420

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.

It was only gathering dust.

Look at you hoovering up all the thanks...

upupup

Confucius says,
"When you clean out a vacuum cleaner,
You become a vacuum cleaner."

New Home

Or even a vacuum cleaner cleaner. And you'll end up with a cleaner vacuum cleaner.

M.T. Cranium

Why is it always so dirty at NATO headquarters?

Because NATO abhors a vacuum.

upupup

New Home wrote: »

Or even a vacuum cleaner cleaner. And you'll end up with a cleaner vacuum cleaner.

Could a vacuum cleaner cleaner clean a vacuum cleaner in a vacuum?

The Princess Bride

I am going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought yesterday.
I just can't see myself wearing it.

Capt'n Midnight

My dad always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it

Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.

TheChevron

The wife is in a foul mood this morning. Somone stole a pair of her knickers off the line.

She's not too bothered about the knickers she just wants her 12 pegs back.

Capt'n Midnight

As I was going to St Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
“Hello Boris” I said.

The Princess Bride

I tried looking at the solar eclipse through a colander yesterday, but I ended up straining my eyes.

Capt'n Midnight

I didnt want to buy a hammock, but the salesman was very persuasive, and Im easily swayed.

foxy farmer

My wife is trying out a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight but boy can she climb a tree.

foxy farmer

What do you call a French man in sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.

foxy farmer

A catholic couple were trying for a baby and asked their parish priest to pray for them.
" Im going to Rome for a few months" he tells them. While I'm there I'll light a candle for ye at the Alter of St. Peter."
The priest returns several months later and he hears that the woman has given birth to quintuplets.
"Praise be to God" says the priest "but where is your husband? I heard that he left the country".
"That he did Father." says the woman." He flew to Rome to blow out your bloody candle"

M.T. Cranium

Is it true that the G in G-7 stands for geriatric?

Capt'n Midnight

I once ate a block of C4, which I mistook for marzipan.

Big mistake.

Next day I had explosive diarrhoea.

Capt'n Midnight

Never trust a Phillip who spells his name with one L.

The eyes are to close together

K.Flyer

When I was young I told my Dad that I wanted to be a Plumber..
"When you're having a bath you could practice being a plumber.." he said
He told my sister Mary who wanted to be a singer the same, "...when you're having a bath, you can practice your singing in the bath".
My brother Jim, sadly not with us anymore, he always wanted to be an electrician..

Suckit

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard standing on his hind legs telling jokes.
I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard's really funny!"

The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard.....

He's a stand up chameleon.."

[Deleted User]

I bought a Chinese takeaway last night...
On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me.....panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse...

I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.

Turns out it was just a Peeking Duck..

Larry Bee

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because she's too big for B shells

Capt'n Midnight

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

M.T. Cranium

Ladies and gentlemen, your global elites have detected an alien presence and furthermore have determined that these reptilian creatures wish to govern us all with only their own interests in mind.

WE WANT TO WELCOME THESE LIKE-MINDED CREATURES TO OUR WORLD AND PLEDGE OUR FULL CO-OPERATION.

Capt'n Midnight

Once saw a man digging up cats eyes in the middle of the road, I said to him what are you doing?
He replied " im digging up these diamonds"
I told him they were glass
He snapped at me saying "no! This is a jewel carriageway!"

iamstop

foxy farmer wrote: »

What do you call a French man in sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.

What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?

Flip Flips.

Have you heard that male bees dies after they procreate?
Their life is just: Honey, Nut, Cherrio.