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Need a bit of perspective, feeling lost and alone

BuCkoTroN

Hi All,

Apologies as this is long winded.

I have been trying to make sense of things lately, it feels like everytime I take a step forward, I take twenty backwards.

I will just start off with a the start of this that goes back four years ago.

I met this amazing girl at a bar we chatted, got drunk and had sex the same night.
This is unusual for me as I am painfully shy and never done anything like that.
We wound up spending the next day just walking around the local area, turned out she just lived 10 mins away.
So we started to text constantly, go on a couple of dates and before you know it we are spending most of our free time together.

This goes on for a few months and things are going great, we were making so many plans to do things, like visit her home country etc,

One day she lets it out and says that she loves me.
It completely blew me away and I reciprocated as I felt the same way.
I asked he would she be my girlfriend and she accepted.

I was absolutely elated as I never felt so strongly about another person and it felt amazing that it was genuine.
Without adding detail I grew up in a severely broken home and I (still) struggle showing my true emotions to another human being.

A few days later out of the blue she dumped me without any logical explanation.
Just that she said that she could never be in a relationship with anyone, but still loves me.

I was completely heartbroken and felt worthless...
I had thoughts of just disappearing forever. I cut myself off from family, friends for a couple of years and just existed as revenant.

I wound up getting counseling and it helped me out a lot and I managed to repair my relationships with everyone that I cut myself from.
I lost a hell of a lot of weight from working out and eating right and was happy with myself again.

So fast forward summer last year (three years later) I met an amazing girl and we started pandemic dating,

Which was going amazing, I was taking it cautiously and not trying to screw it up.

One month in my ex texts me after three years of no contact and asks would I like to go for a drink to talk.

So I accept with the notion of just getting some closure, if my friends knew they would have went ballistic!!!!
And that's all it was ws a chat and her profusely apologising for hurting me.
Saying she was freaked out and was f'ed in the head etc.

I accepted the apology and gave her a big hug and said thank you I needed to hear that for a long time.
She asked if we could be friends and I said sure.
So that was that, I got a few friendly texts over the following months nothing serious.

Of course I did not tell my GF at the time.

So everything was going great until we had the last major lockdown.

We were cut off due to her being in another county.

The girl that I was dating was really questioning things I said in the past.

Like not wanting kids, getting married etc.
Which is not true, I am a very cautious to the idea of having a family due to my messed up upbringing.
My line of thinking was if we could just get out of this lockdown we could work on that, like moving in together first etc.
We could sort out future plans when everything's more stable.

I was wrong.
She dumped me in late Feb out of the blue.

So over the next couple of months, I spent time just try to love myself again and try not to hit the bottle too hard.

And I was doing well, keeping in contact with everyone over whatsapp and zoom, my mates were very supportive.

Over those couple of months those the texting with my ex got more constant where we were getting to the point of saying good morning and good night..

So she started asking me if wanted to meet for takeaway pints during April, I couldn't due to work and I was honestly quite anxious about the idea.
So we agreed to maybe do a chat on skype.

So we th following week we have the video chat and we are having a great laugh getting drunk reminiscing.
She brings up the question:

Do you still think about us?

I replied yes of course, I always wondered what might have been if things did not end.

She says would you consider another try?

I said of course and we talked a bit more about it.

She told me that her relationship with her then boyfriend was ending and said she needed some time to sort that.

She came over in a taxi that very night and we slept together.
Then the next day we woke up chatted and had sex again then she went home.
We met up the next day, went for a walk and had takeaway pints.

I asked her since it was her birthday and mine within a couple of days of each other would he like to spend the night before with me.
She came over, I had a cake for her and a present .
We then got some pizza,beer and then we slept with each other.

The next day we spent the afternoon with each other and she went home.

So over the next few days I felt like she was withdrawing and getting a bit cold.
I tried to make sure I didn't push and get too intense.
She did ask to meet for takeaway pints, so we did, had a great time and I thought that any notion things going bad was unfounded.

Fast forward a couple of days later that the contact is becoming less frequent and I am getting a lot of short answers.

So I did not have much contact her for a couple of days as I knew she had plans.
So she gets back in contact we are chatting away and asked if she wanted to come over to my apartment the following weekend.

She shot me down saying it would be a bit weird.
Me being confused of course asked why and said she could not put it into words.
And she said I think we should be just friends, I think you are quite awesome, don't want to lose you as a friend and you are a great drinking buddy.

I said that's fine, talk to you later.

I was confused, disappointed and honestly felt like I got kicked in the nuts.

So we text each other for a few days then it fizzled out.
I have not spoken to her in nearly a month.

So the other day I had a nosy on her insta (I know stupid idea) and found she was tagged in a photo with some chap.

It had the tag #couple, my heart sank and I looked at the date it was a week after she decided to going back to being friends.

Since then I have been feeling used, lost and lonely.
I'm 35 years old and feeling like time is getting shorter to find any happiness.
Barely getting through the day without having to take a deep breath and hold back tears.

I have cut myself from everyone and living alone and so far does not help.

I kind of feel like I have no one to talk to as all my close friends and family would go ballistic if they knew.

I am considering counselling again.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

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Hannibal_Smith

It reads like she craves attention, will say whatever needs to be said to manipulate people to get it and drop them like a rock as soon as she gets a hint of it somewhere else. I also reckon that as soon as things end with the current boyfriend she'll be back to you full of apologies.

She's treated you atrociously. That's her fault not yours and not a reflection on you. Some people are fantastic at playing at being sincere to get what they want. You seem to have a good network around you now? Don't lose that and don't isolate yourself with a secret. It sounds like your friends will be angry because they care.

Hopefully your take away from this is that when this girl comes back again and I would lay a bet she will, block, ignore, or tell her straight out where to go, but don't let her in again. Nothing good will come of it.

LegacyUser

She is using you as an emotional cushion.

Cut her off!

I hope you used protection and be wiser next time.
She can't spend a minute by herself, from all you know she jumped from you to the next and back to you.

Attention seeking >>Mod snip<<

Is a running out visa on the cards by any chance?

KKkitty

She knows you're going answer her texts/calls and meet up for sex. She's stringing you along. It might sound extreme but block her everywhere. Casual sex is all well and good but she's giving you false hope every time. You are worth way more than that. As I said, block her everywhere you can. Social media and from your phone. Take time for you and think about how you want things. Someone will come into your life that will treat you better. Mind yourself now.

BuCkoTroN

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

It reads like she craves attention, will say whatever needs to be said to manipulate people to get it and drop them like a rock as soon as she gets a hint of it somewhere else. I also reckon that as soon as things end with the current boyfriend she'll be back to you full of apologies.

She's treated you atrociously. That's her fault not yours and not a reflection on you. Some people are fantastic at playing at being sincere to get what they want. You seem to have a good network around you now? Don't lose that and don't isolate yourself with a secret. It sounds like your friends will be angry because they care.

Hopefully your take away from this is that when this girl comes back again and I would lay a bet she will, block, ignore, or tell her straight out where to go, but don't let her in again. Nothing good will come of it.

Yeah I agree after reflecting on this lately it seems be very consistent behaviour for as long as I know her.
I also reckon when the emotional needs of the the other person don't suit her she just withdraws and does not engage.

I've never thought of it that way, my first go to is that "You chased her away again, you idiot" Always thinking was it talk of this or this, now I realise it's her and always was.

I will, hopefully I can get them out for a pint next week and explain.

Yeah I think telling her explicitly where to go is a more desirable thought at the moment, but I get you

BuCkoTroN

watchoutbabyop wrote: »

She is using you as an emotional cushion.

Cut her off!

I hope you used protection and be wiser next time.
She can't spend a minute by herself, from all you know she jumped from you to the next and back to you.

Attention seeking >>Mod snip<<

Is a running out visa on the cards by any chance?

I am nearly a month no direct contact plus I have removed the social media apps I don't need.

"She can't spend a minute by herself"
Funny thing is that she said that to me before, I tried to help with advice to no avail.

"from all you know she jumped from you to the next and back to you."
I would not be surprised and that's why I am feeling foolish atm.

"Is a running out visa on the cards by any chance?"

Noo no she is an EU citizen.

BuCkoTroN

KKkitty wrote: »

She knows you're going answer her texts/calls and meet up for sex. She's stringing you along. It might sound extreme but block her everywhere. Casual sex is all well and good but she's giving you false hope every time. You are worth way more than that. As I said, block her everywhere you can. Social media and from your phone. Take time for you and think about how you want things. Someone will come into your life that will treat you better. Mind yourself now.

I haven't spoken to her in nearly a month, I was hoping for her to come around.

It was just that social media post that set me off, just the time period of it made me question things I was content with letting be and moving on.

You are right and I have done that

You are right, I need to just need to ( and I know it's overly used) find myself and do the things that make me happy

I will

bitofabind

BuCkoTroN wrote: »

Yeah I agree after reflecting on this lately it seems be very consistent behaviour for as long as I know her.
I also reckon when the emotional needs of the the other person don't suit her she just withdraws and does not engage.

You seem to have a good read on this woman and you know exactly what type she is. You're right - she's consistent. It's a good thing to remember when someone who has previously let you down tries to enter your life again. She will be consistent again. But you're not open for business to her anymore. You can choose healthier people from now on. You can choose yourself and choose a more peaceful life.

What you should work on now is your own self-esteem and moving from having this intellectual understanding of what happened with this woman to having an emotional understanding of your own needs and why you let her in a second time. I'd imagine there's a direct link there to your own past and a deep familiarity with the kind of emotional chaos she brings. Counselling will really help and in fact be game-changing, if you stick with it.

You deserve much more than this woman or your own broken family background.

Tork

If there is a positive to be gained from this, it's that you got your closure and you now have a better insight into the sort of person she is. My heart broke for you when you described how you shut yourself away from your family and friends after that first break-up. The impression I get is that this time around, this isn't going to happen and that you're better equipped to deal with the fallout.

You're very hard on yourself here and I'd like it if you were a bit kinder to you. So what if you're 35? You're far from over the hill and who's to say you won't meet Miss Right in the future? Your relationship with your last girlfriend didn't work out but it proves that you aren't chopped liver and that women find you attractive. We're living in strange times at the moment and there are lots of people who feel their love lives have stagnated because of the covid restrictions. I wouldn't use the past year as a metric for anything.

Jequ0n

OP, I am a user and do these things to people too. The only thing you can do is to radically cut this person off but expect them to be persistent and probably hurtful when they don’t get their way.
You can be sure that she knows how to press your buttons and will probably use a sob story as a reason to reconnect. Guilt tripping and emotional blackmail next, so try to get your head sorted before this happens

BuCkoTroN

bitofabind wrote: »

You seem to have a good read on this woman and you know exactly what type she is. You're right - she's consistent. It's a good thing to remember when someone who has previously let you down tries to enter your life again. She will be consistent again. But you're not open for business to her anymore. You can choose healthier people from now on. You can choose yourself and choose a more peaceful life.

What you should work on now is your own self-esteem and moving from having this intellectual understanding of what happened with this woman to having an emotional understanding of your own needs and why you let her in a second time. I'd imagine there's a direct link there to your own past and a deep familiarity with the kind of emotional chaos she brings. Counselling will really help and in fact be game-changing, if you stick with it.

You deserve much more than this woman or your own broken family background.

The whole experience has definitely has given me a shock to the system about giving anyone any further chances from being consistent let downs.
I hope she just leaves me be this time, I frankly will have nothing nice to say her.
But in case she does, it's going to be an ignore or strongly worded telling off.

You are right, that, my confidence and ability to trust are shot.
I can very much say it's down to a lot of my issues growing up, abandonment, etc.

You are right, I am going to set up the appointments from my health insurance this week.

I appreciate that, I just need to work on getting that feeling back

BuCkoTroN

Tork wrote: »

If there is a positive to be gained from this, it's that you got your closure and you now have a better insight into the sort of person she is. My heart broke for you when you described how you shut yourself away from your family and friends after that first break-up. The impression I get is that this time around, this isn't going to happen and that you're better equipped to deal with the fallout.

You're very hard on yourself here and I'd like it if you were a bit kinder to you. So what if you're 35? You're far from over the hill and who's to say you won't meet Miss Right in the future? Your relationship with your last girlfriend didn't work out but it proves that you aren't chopped liver and that women find you attractive. We're living in strange times at the moment and there are lots of people who feel their love lives have stagnated because of the covid restrictions. I wouldn't use the past year as a metric for anything.

I guess you are right, although there are nagging questions there that I will just have to accept that there won't be an answer too and move on away from the hurt.

It was probably the darkest I ever felt in my life, it was the first love that actually felt real and that I was not trying convincing myself.
It was torn away without warning, I felt like there was no coming back from that.
I wish it didn't take as long as it did to snap out of it, I worried a lot of people and that is something I deeply regret, but I learned and I'm better equipped to deal with it than before.

You are right, I will try to be

I really just have to work on liking myself again and start doing things for me.
I suppose I am scared, I see my best friends are having their first children and buying homes.
I feel like there is a countdown and I put too much dread on myself.
Absolutely, I can look at thinks a bit more objectively and say maybe just be patent.
Things will get better

BuCkoTroN

Jequ0n wrote: »

OP, I am a user and do these things to people too. The only thing you can do is to radically cut this person off but expect them to be persistent and probably hurtful when they don’t get their way.
You can be sure that she knows how to press your buttons and will probably use a sob story as a reason to reconnect. Guilt tripping and emotional blackmail next, so try to get your head sorted before this happens

Well I did not take it well the first time, she did cut me of the for three years and appeared out of the blue again.

I don't know really for sure, I shudder to think why she would contact me again......

Honestly I think she has never been told to go away in explicitly hurtful way, I don't want to do that.

God knows I thought about it.

I think dead air will be the best approach perhaps.

Jequ0n

BuCkoTroN wrote: »

Well I did not take it well the first time, she did cut me of the for three years and appeared out of the blue again.

I don't know really for sure, I shudder to think why she would contact me again......

Honestly I think she has never been told to go away in explicitly hurtful way, I don't want to do that.

God knows I thought about it.

I think dead air will be the best approach perhaps.

You are right. Maybe I had phrased it badly. The best thing you can do is to block all communication channels. Also keep in mind that this is not about you but that she likely does this to everyone.

Nothing will bother this person more than non contact because you are out of their reach. Once ignored/ blanked she might turn nasty to provoke a reaction. Make sure to be un-contactable and never rise to the bait and keep ignoring.

The DayDream

I'm sorry this happened to you bro. You should never have let her back into your life but I understand, it's easy to backslide to someone you were intimate with before.

The reason your friends as you said would have went ballistic is they could see the wood for the trees and you could not.

She is just the female version of a player basically, she kept you in her rotation as a backup and pulled you off the bench to fill in for a while until another option came along. Once she knew she could have you she was bored and wanted a new challenge.

There are some people who just need to have attention from someone all the time and with women they can get attention from more people more easily than men. So they constantly have this carousel of guys they can message, meet etc.

It gives them a constant source of validation they crave, similar to likes on social media. They're narcissists who don't care about your feelings and unlike when it happens to a woman, for men being played like this you're expected to just suck it up like you have no feelings. Men have feelings too! You deserve someone who will appreciate the fact you're sensitive, loyal and loving, trust me plenty of girls still value, unfortunately ones like this bird will think, oh, he is so into me I guess I can do better and immediately start looking for the next fella.

Bottom line getting back together with an ex or someone who all but ghosted you almost never ever works. Let them go.

Ms. Newbie18

Hi OP,

Glad to see you got the prespecrive you were looking for. I think when you hit the mid 30s it can often seem like people are racing against the clock to settle down. Particularly when we have pals that are starting new chapters in there lives. We aren't all the same path and that is a ok. You can only do you. Someone is out there for you, you will find them when the time is right.

Tip for anyone in a similar situation:

As a general rule I don't snoop online for information on potential dates/partners . If they req my SM detailsI I will give them but I rarely every request them. However, if you have a person popping in and out of their lives like this? Check out their SM - the comments and tagged posts. You can save yourself a whole lot of hassle/heartache.

LegacyUser

There are positives I guess. You wondered what might have been, as many do, but not many get to actually find out. At least you know now that the first time wasn't a cruel one off thing that happens, you know now that this is just what happens with her.

Let her use someone else next time.

BuCkoTroN

Jequ0n wrote: »

You are right. Maybe I had phrased it badly. The best thing you can do is to block all communication channels. Also keep in mind that this is not about you but that she likely does this to everyone.

Nothing will bother this person more than non contact because you are out of their reach. Once ignored/ blanked she might turn nasty to provoke a reaction. Make sure to be un-contactable and never rise to the bait and keep ignoring.

Honestly I think she can do the ignoring better than me.

But I see your point and I have no intent to talking to her again.

I will be difficult as I know that I love her, but she burned a bridge with me.

BuCkoTroN

The DayDream wrote: »

I'm sorry this happened to you bro. You should never have let her back into your life but I understand, it's easy to backslide to someone you were intimate with before.

The reason your friends as you said would have went ballistic is they could see the wood for the trees and you could not.

She is just the female version of a player basically, she kept you in her rotation as a backup and pulled you off the bench to fill in for a while until another option came along. Once she knew she could have you she was bored and wanted a new challenge.

There are some people who just need to have attention from someone all the time and with women they can get attention from more people more easily than men. So they constantly have this carousel of guys they can message, meet etc.

It gives them a constant source of validation they crave, similar to likes on social media. They're narcissists who don't care about your feelings and unlike when it happens to a woman, for men being played like this you're expected to just suck it up like you have no feelings. Men have feelings too! You deserve someone who will appreciate the fact you're sensitive, loyal and loving, trust me plenty of girls still value, unfortunately ones like this bird will think, oh, he is so into me I guess I can do better and immediately start looking for the next fella.

Bottom line getting back together with an ex or someone who all but ghosted you almost never ever works. Let them go.

I agree totally with you, I feel ashamed at myself for being weak and thinking maybe she finally came around.

Very true I did see it myself, I suppose not as objectively as they did and I foolishly took a chance.

That is definitely what I suspect her to be, it should have been a red flag of her carry on for me when she slept with me when she had a boyfriend, relationship ending or not.

At moment I feel just a sadness and some people have said to me suck it up.

I appreciate that, I hope that they do and hopefully one day someone sees that.

You are right, I intend to let her go and I did reach out to a counsellor last night to help me on the path

BuCkoTroN

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Glad to see you got the prespecrive you were looking for. I think when you hit the mid 30s it can often seem like people are racing against the clock to settle down. Particularly when we have pals that are starting new chapters in there lives. We aren't all the same path and that is a ok. You can only do you. Someone is out there for you, you will find them when the time is right.

Tip for anyone in a similar situation:

As a general rule I don't snoop online for information on potential dates/partners . If they req my SM detailsI I will give them but I rarely every request them. However, if you have a person popping in and out of their lives like this? Check out their SM - the comments and tagged posts. You can save yourself a whole lot of hassle/heartache.

You are 100% right, I just need to start doing things for myself and not worry about what they are doing or I will be doomed with a constant mind f***.

BuCkoTroN

I AM a robot wrote: »

There are positives I guess. You wondered what might have been, as many do, but not many get to actually find out. At least you know now that the first time wasn't a cruel one off thing that happens, you know now that this is just what happens with her.

Let her use someone else next time.

Very true It is another learning experience, I just don't want to let it harden me against trusting people again with my heart.

I fully intend to, what goes around comes around

JPup

Sorry to make a joke about what is clearly a very unfortunate situation for you, but f*ck me if this doesn’t read like the plot line for the second season of Normal People!

You seem like a good bloke who’s had a lot of bad luck in life. Try to stay positive. Things are bound to turn for the better soon. Stay off the sauce and get back in touch with your friends would be my advice. Try to enjoy the summer with things opening back up again. Lots of possibilities out there!

LilacNails

Op, u didn't mess up or do anything wrong.

Maybe u should look into your attachment style. Your 2 previous ex's sound quiet needy and immature, perhaps you should take a break from dating and concentrate on yourself.

Well done the first time around on getting help, loosing weight and living the best version of yourself. You can do that again. You must cut all strings from your 1st ex. Please do this for the well being for yourself.

I have no doubt you will be ok, you have survived a difficult upbringing, faced and tackled some hard emotions. You have gained strength, so don't let any emotionally immature selfish person ever take that or knock all that from you again.

You have done nothing wrong. You sound like a strong and decent person. Remind yourself of that every day.

I struggle feeling lost and lonely almost everyday, it's hard times but let's plough through it, better days are to come yet.

Please be easy on yourself op, best of luck.

Jequ0n

BuCkoTroN wrote: »

Honestly I think she can do the ignoring better than me.

But I see your point and I have no intent to talking to her again.

I will be difficult as I know that I love her, but she burned a bridge with me.

You don’t love her. You “love” who you thought she was. So in effect you feel a connection to someone who never existed.
Sorry if this sounds cruel but she will always play some role which will be tailored to the person she is feeding on or trying to feed on.
You have been unlucky, but I think you can avoid this happening again if you work on your self esteem. You also make a good target when you are isolated so maybe lean more on your friends it you can do so.

BuCkoTroN

JPup wrote: »

Sorry to make a joke about what is clearly a very unfortunate situation for you, but f*ck me if this doesn’t read like the plot line for the second season of Normal People!

You seem like a good bloke who’s had a lot of bad luck in life. Try to stay positive. Things are bound to turn for the better soon. Stay off the sauce and get back in touch with your friends would be my advice. Try to enjoy the summer with things opening back up again. Lots of possibilities out there!

Haha I never watched it, so I will have to take your word for it

I have left out a fair bit of stuff, I swear if told you the full story it would read like a ridiculous drama series.

I will thanks

I have a plan this long weekend, no booze and I will go visit my aul fella I haven't seen him in about a year.

I will, at least there is some hope out there.

BuCkoTroN

LilacNails wrote: »

Op, u didn't mess up or do anything wrong.

Maybe u should look into your attachment style. Your 2 previous ex's sound quiet needy and immature, perhaps you should take a break from dating and concentrate on yourself.

Well done the first time around on getting help, loosing weight and living the best version of yourself. You can do that again. You must cut all strings from your 1st ex. Please do this for the well being for yourself.

I have no doubt you will be ok, you have survived a difficult upbringing, faced and tackled some hard emotions. You have gained strength, so don't let any emotionally immature selfish person ever take that or knock all that from you again.

You have done nothing wrong. You sound like a strong and decent person. Remind yourself of that every day.

I struggle feeling lost and lonely almost everyday, it's hard times but let's plough through it, better days are to come yet.

Please be easy on yourself op, best of luck.

Yeah I think you are on to something there, they both had varying degrees of it for sure.
Yeah it would not be a bad idea, It would not be fair to myself and another girl if I am not at my best.
I really have to learn to like being by my myself again.

The only issue is drinking, the weight is fine as I still exercise a lot.
I have a counselling session tomorrow night and I have a plan for not boozing too.

You are right, I will indeed

I have to build back up my self esteem so I can believe it, as it's been too easy to blame myself.

It really sucks to feel that way, I hope you will be okay yourself

Absolutely, this is just a bump in the road and it won't last forever

Many thanks.

BuCkoTroN

Jequ0n wrote: »

You don’t love her. You “love” who you thought she was. So in effect you feel a connection to someone who never existed.
Sorry if this sounds cruel but she will always play some role which will be tailored to the person she is feeding on or trying to feed on.
You have been unlucky, but I think you can avoid this happening again if you work on your self esteem. You also make a good target when you are isolated so maybe lean more on your friends it you can do so.

No don't be sorry it's logical and it makes sense

It's tough to let go of even though that person did not really exist, because my mind makes it real.
I would love to just bury it really deep, but that never works God knows I've tried....

You are totally on the ball, I have a counselling session tomorrow night, I wanna work on my self esteem and letting go.
With that i'll hopefully be going for a few outdoor pints soon with the lads

Purple Mountain

Delighted to hear you are back to counselling, you sound like a bloke with his head screwed on. Age brings that thankfully.
I think things will work out OK for you because you are able to stand back and look at things now with new eyes.
Have a lovely Bank Holiday with your dad. Bask in his love and friendship, that's true respect

BuCkoTroN

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Delighted to hear you are back to counselling, you sound like a bloke with his head screwed on. Age brings that thankfully.
I think things will work out OK for you because you are able to stand back and look at things now with new eyes.
Have a lovely Bank Holiday with your dad. Bask in his love and friendship, that's true respect

Ah cheers, I appreciate it

I feel that if don't do something, I am going to keep digging myself into a hole which is going to be harder to get out of.

I really hope so, I have been fighting hard trying not give in to the sadness, anger and loneliness.

I have the session after work, hopefully I get some healthy coping mechanisms out of it and what I am looking forward mainly is to getting the bile out of my system.

I will indeed thanks and I wish you the same