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My girlfriend keeps on finding an excuse not to have sex?

Hugo1000

My girlfriend always refuses to have sex with me and only initiates it when she is drunk or when she pleases which is very rare. Is this what a long term relationship is like or does it mean she is not right for me? Whenever I make a move I get refused? And she always makes up an excuse not too. But when she is blind drunk she does it no problem. What do I do? Is this what a long term relationship is or what does it mean? We are together 10 months. Please I need advice thanks!!!!!

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Passenger

Sounds like she's not sexually attracted to you. Find somebody who is and enjoy a healthy sexlife.

[Deleted User]

I put up with 18 months of this behaviour during my last relationship. Looking back I must have been crazy to put up with it.

Dump her and find a woman who will show you affection.

YellowLead

Only together 10 months? Sexual incompatibility is what is at play here and that rarely bodes well in the long run.

Imagine what it will be like 10 months further down the line with sex off the cards or rare.

Try having a chat with her about it if you like but it makes most sense to split, these things happen and better to find out now after only 10 months than 2 years down the line with lives more entwined and both or either emotionally invested.

Taeholic

Its definitely not normal. You're only 10 months in and it will likely only get worse, if that's even possible. This is meant to be the fun exciting part. I couldn't stay in a relationship like this. Not a chance. I think you need to move on and find someone you are compatible with.

[Deleted User]

Could be insecurities on her part, too. Does she feel self-conscious naked / doing sexual things, and alcohol takes that edge off?

Me and my ex got into the habit of only having sex after drinks. It was a habit we were both fine with. I basically had to relearn sober sex when I got my with new girlfriend.

Sheamie Mac

Hey man sorry to hear about this! Too common a thing for us guys to experience. This is a something that happens as the relationship progresses and you become more familiar with each other.

So I am assuming you regularly had sex with your partner up until recently and it has suddenly stopped. Now, she only wants sex when she is drunk (people generally more horny when drunk) or once in a blue moon.

I am going to suggest something that may get blow back but is something that myself and a friend of mine tried that seemed to yield some success generally speaking.

You are giving all the power to this girl when it comes to sex and it could be the case that you want it too bad and are coming across as clingy. What I would suggest you do, is be disinterested in anything to do with sex even when she does bring it up in these drunken moments. Do not want it. Do not initiate it. Brush her off. Be disinterested.

Work on yourself outside of this relationship whether that is getting into fitness, meeting up with friends more often (social distance and all that) or starting a hobby! It's likely that with lockdown the last year you have spent a massive amount of time with each other and could just be seeing each other too much. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Likewise, familiarity breeds contempt.

What you may find is that she becomes more interested in sex in more usual circumstances (minus the alcohol) and that your new change of behaviour could bring that spark back into the relationship as it did with mine. Sorry if this seems a bit simplistic but basically do not want sex so much and make yourself less available to her. That's not saying go missing for few days and be cold with her but make it clear you are doing these new things and you will talk with her later that day.

Also worth saying, take this with a pinch of salt as I do not know the full extent of your situation but thought I would throw in my two cents. Best of luck!

TheadoreT

A better suggestion would be to do the things above anytime (if you aren't already) and not just now to make your girlfriend insecure. Being healthy, fit and busy is generally attractive but motivation to do so should be deeper than "she'll shag me if i do all this" because if its unsuccessful you'll probably end up in a deeper pit of despair and become depressed and ill motivated.

Imo the point at which guys try to fix these things is nearly always too late. You shouldn't have to enter psychological warfare of acting disinterested in a long term relationship ffs, A) it will probably only work on someone deeply insecure which makes you a bit of a dick

if she's in anyway self aware and confident she'll spot it a mile off and it will end up far more mentally taxing on you than her.

Far better to maintain healthy mutual respect levels than to try rescue it and lads need to be more cognicant of the pitfalls that most fall into that leads to these all too common no sex scenarios. And when they find themselves in them you need to learn to leave with dignity and confidence intact rather than resorting to 11th hour desperate ploys to fix things.

mohawk

Has it always been this was between the two of you or did it develop in last month or two. Always more sex at the start of a relationship but 10 months is very early for that to drop off.

If you can’t talk to her about it ask yourself if this is a relationship worth sticking with. Even healthy relationships can go through dry times due to stress, new baby, health reasons etc. What makes them healthy is telling your partner what is going on with you.

If your not sexually compatible at this stage it’s hard to turn it around.

Xterminator

when you are both stone cold sober and outside of the bedroom, you should have a good chat about sexual compatibility and your sex life.

Good communication is the backbone of a good relationship so its time to work on understanding what the issue is, and trying to find a way forward. see what she has to say/thinks and from her reaction you can gauge i this is something she will work on with you, or if its a take it or leave it deal.

I would recommend against playing 'games' of any kind. dont try to make her jealous, don't give her the cold shoulder etc. Any advice like that is childish and immature.

It may be she is willing to change, she might not be willing or able to change. If you better understand the issue, then you can make an informed decision on your future. Sexual incompatibility is very reasonable reason for breaking up .

stuboy01

OP, Solid advice there from Xterminator.

time for an adult conversation about your relationship.
this is not a confrontation, its a conversation.
not about accusing, just an open 'can we talk about what we both want from a relationship' type of thing, and sex is an important part of that.
I have to say 10 months in and from your post I get the impression that it's always been this way.

It wouldn't be my expectation from a relationship.

ted1

Hugo1000 wrote: »

My girlfriend always refuses to have sex with me and only initiates it when she is drunk or when she pleases which is very rare. Is this what a long term relationship is like or does it mean she is not right for me? Whenever I make a move I get refused? And she always makes up an excuse not too. But when she is blind drunk she does it no problem. What do I do? Is this what a long term relationship is or what does it mean? We are together 10 months. Please I need advice thanks!!!!!

Having sex with someone when they are blind drunk, isn’t a good thing as they are not in a position to give consent.

If she’s not up for it , I’d move on. It’ll only get worse. Good sex is an important part of a relationship

TheBoyConor

Spark is gone. The writing is on the wall, it's over I'm afraid. Dump her and find someone new.

LegacyUser

Hugo1000 wrote: »

My girlfriend always refuses to have sex with me and only initiates it when she is drunk or when she pleases which is very rare. Is this what a long term relationship is like or does it mean she is not right for me? Whenever I make a move I get refused? And she always makes up an excuse not too. But when she is blind drunk she does it no problem. What do I do? Is this what a long term relationship is or what does it mean? We are together 10 months. Please I need advice thanks!!!!!

From personal experience (8+year relationship) it is unlikely to change, not impossible of course like anything in life but highly unlikely especially that early into a relationship.

Whilst I can’t encourage you either way, I’d personally look at ending it amicably on the basis that it will save a lot of pain for both of you going forward and give you an opportunity to find someone who fits you better, life’s too short to hold onto things that ain’t working.

LegacyUser

Does she literally always refuse or does she just refuse most of the time?

And how often do you "make a move"?

Either way, there does seem to be an incompatibility in terms of sex drive, and if sex drives are wide apart things won't work out in the long run. You'll have one person not getting what they want/(need?) and one person who probably won't feel too good about seemingly constantly turning their partner down.

If you're trying it on on a daily basis maybe she's pushing back at the perception that it's all you seem to want?

I have asked some questions; I'm not looking for you to answer, just ask those questions to yourself, try and identify if there is anything you are doing that is contributing to her seemingly constant refusal, and if you can't ask those questions then maybe try and have that conversation with herself.

I do see where you are coming from though. Sex ain't the most important thing in a relationship (another question, how is the relationship sex aside? Lack of sex could be the result of problems elsewhere in the relationship) but it is nonetheless still very important. And if there is a fundamental incompatibility then that is a reason to walk away, for the good of both partners.

Segotias

I can identify a bit with your GF, I would tend to need to be drunk to have sex. This is due to my own issues with my body.

Could this be part of it, your GF may feel unattractive and alcohol removes the inhibitions and being aware of how you look or feel about how you look

YellowLead

If it is a body confidence thing surely after 10 months the lady in question would have said? If you can’t have an open conversation about sex after so long is it really a relationship???

Segotias

Possibly the OP hasn't said if this is a recent thing or has been like this from the start.

Definitely should be able to have a conversation about it.

YellowLead

Segotias wrote: »

Possibly the OP hasn't said if this is a recent thing or has been like this from the start.

Definitely should be able to have a conversation about it.

True. But I got the impression it was like that from the start from the way it was worded.

OP has vanished.....maybe he sorted his issue and is appropriately otherwise engaged

Tork

I don't think Hugo will be back. He never returns after starting threads about his girlfriend.

leggo

“I can’t help but notice that the past few times I’ve hoped to have sex you’ve kinda pushed away a bit. No judgement, I’d just like to know what the story is and it’s probably better for both of us in the long run if we get on the same page here, whatever that is.”

Then have the conversation that follows. If she dodges the question or tries to escalate, stay on point and don’t be triggered emotionally. Make it a safe space for her to say what she’s got to say and impress upon her that honesty is in as much in her best interest as yours, whatever comes of that. If she refuses to answer or engage then accept that your answer is “This will be the way it is going forward and there’s no room for discussion or negotiation” and act based on that.

There’s really no other way, OP.

You can listen to wild speculation here...but that’s all it’ll honestly be.

You can try figure it out behind the scenes in an effort to ‘fix’ because you don’t want to ask the question in case you hear an answer you don’t like...but you’ll hear that answer one way or another eventually, maybe in a more devastating way than you would’ve now.

We had one poster in a similar boat just this week get huge success from having an honest, ‘Come to Jesus’ conversation. It’s the best, and like I said only, way and you’ll get real answers much quicker than you will here.