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Advice please - new relationship

[Deleted User]

Hi all,

I got out of a very long relationship and this is the first relationship since. I've only known the person a few months and we made things official last month. I have met their parents a couple of times. My issue is that the boyfriend turned around to me today after I had stayed the weekend to say their parents were upset. (They live at home)

I was shocked as this was only the second time I had stayed and third time we had met eachother. They had apparently shared their dissatisfaction that I was being a different person around them and another person when the boyfriend was there, he had been gone for a few hours as he had things to do which was totally fine.

I just don't understand where this is coming from as I feel I was as I always am, chatting away having the jokes and banter etc but there were more issues from there. Another issue was that they didn't like that I made my own coffee/toast (I offered to make it myself as I dont expect to be waited on hand and foot) so just out of manners really i offered to do it. Everything seemed fine as the mum said she had taken the bread out for me to do it so I just don't know at all im confused and its coning across as being this big thing as the boyfriend put it to me thst it was a case of the parents sitting him down for this serious chat.

Then it was mentioned that I seemed annoyed that he was gone for so long. This wasn't the case at all. I though back and the mum was continously asking me had i heard anything from him and where was he last etc, she seemed more concerned than me but the mum said it seemed to be an issue, I was grand out about it I knew he had to be away in the morning before I stayed.

I'm just so confused and I honestly have no idea where its coming from im totally shocked at the little things that they were upset about. I get some people can be very sensitive about different things of course everyones different but at the same time but its a bit much this soon for me and i kind of feel a bit bombarded.

I am asking myself now was it too soon to be staying over and what will this mean now going forward and how will it affect things. I'm just shocked and bewildered that they had so many little things to pick out when we all don't know eachother well yet. How can someone say im a different person around different people after only spending a bit of time with me twice? I feel like I was polite mannerly I am a very respectful person but I dont know how to handle this at all really its not something I've ever had to deal with before and I just don't understand the objective of sitting someone down for a serious chat over it, apparently his mum had tears in her eyes which I feel awful if she did but at the same time I've done nothing wrong?. I just think its out of proportion altogether.

The boyfriend is now questioning things as he's worried about the fact that if the parents dont get on with me then what will happen. He mentioned he didn't say anything back even as much as that they are probably misunderstanding things and wasn't sure what to believe so he just came to me with it then and now im upset because I just feel completely judged and I feel I didn't do anything wrong but be polite and mannerly and chat away to them. I feel now id feel uncomfortable around them like im under a microscope or something.

I just think its all overboard and there's a misunderstanding somewhere along the lines but at the same time i think its insane to judge me like that when you've met me twice. Its a red flag for sure. Am I mad to feel this way? I feel I've not done anything wrong at all im honestly puzzled. Any advice is really appreciated.

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Dial Hard

Leaving aside the fact that you're not supposed to be visiting other households full stop, let alone for overnight stays...

Yes, it's far too soon for you to be overnighting in your boyfriend's parents' house. That was always going to be a weird dynamic and now you're all discovering that. Sorry, but you'd only met them twice before you started staying over??? That's just beyond inappropriate to me, tbh. Knock the overnight visits on the head for a few months, even if they're actually allowed before then.

LilacNails

It sounds to me that perhaps u have stayed over there too early on.

The second time they met u, u stayed in their house. They might actually be uncomfortable about this and maybe find it cheeky, esp when u made coffee and toast for yourself. They might see that as u helping yourself to what ever u want, in their house.

Don't get me wrong, I don't see anything wrong with what u did , I'm pointing out that for some, especially the older generation, can be a little odd with things like that and might feel your invading their privacy, esp when have only met u 3 times.

Maybe they think that everytime u come over, your gonna stay. They might not be actually happy as they let on to be.

I would cut back in the staying over. Maybe call for a few hours, and head out with your bf. Then after a month or 2 see how things are, then maybe stay over once or twice a week.

Could he stay at yours?

Pawwed Rig

I used to go out with a girl whose mother hated anyone to do anything in her kitchen. She was quite happy to provide whatever was wanted but would have been horrified if I had just helped myself. You get to know these things as you spend more time with them.
Staying over this early in a relationship is not great tbh. Also given that in breaches regulations would also be a big deal. Mayne the boyfriend foisted you onto them in an unwelcome accomodation of his wishes.

Big Bag of Chips

I would be very annoyed with your bf leaving the house for a number of hours while you are visiting leaving you alone with his parents. Presumably you spent the weekend there to spend time with him, not his parents.

You've only met them 3 times, and 2 of those times you've stayed in their home (during a pandemic). Once you even stayed when you knew your bf wasn't going to be there.

You and your bf have seriously misjudged this. And his parents are pointing it out to him. He should not have gone away for hours leaving you there. You should not have gone to visit if you knew he wasn't going to be there. You and his parents are virtual strangers to each other. No matter how nice you are or they are, it's awkward.

I think they have a problem with both of you and how things have played out this week. But maybe things are being spun a bit to put the fault mostly on you (maybe by him?).

I'd get going as soon as possible. And I'd lay off weekend visits for a while. It's too soon, and maybe if they have family and friends that they're not seeing themselves they mightn't be too happy with a visitor. Especially one they're left entertaining while the person she's supposed to be visiting isn't.

osarusan

These might just be symptoms of them not too happy about you being there in the first place...too soon in the relationship, pandemic.

Maybe they should be more annoyed with their own son. Was there any issue with him asking/convincing them to allow you to stay in the first place?

It might be their indirect way of telling him not to have you stay over.

Big Bag of Chips

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

he had been gone for a few hours as he had things to do which was totally fine....

the boyfriend put it to me thst it was a case of the parents sitting him down for this serious chat....

Then it was mentioned that I seemed annoyed that he was gone for so long. This wasn't the case at all. I though back and the mum was continously asking me had i heard anything from him and where was he last etc, she seemed more concerned than me but the mum said it seemed to be an issue, I was grand out about it I knew he had to be away in the morning before I stayed.

His parents were not happy with you being in the house while he was away. They were not happy that you kith arranged for you to stay when you both knew that he was not going to be there for a few hours.

That is the issue, and that's why they sat him down to talk about it.

glennhysen

Are you sure your boyfriend is telling you the truth? Did his parents have a go at him for you staying over and he's just putting all the blame on you?

Caranica

What ages are you OP? I'm guessing late teens/early 20s but the "very long relationship" is throwing me.

I do think it's an important factor in this, the advice I'd give would be tempered by age.

I agree with the other posters with regard to any house visits in current times. His parents may feel unsafe having you in their home. And that would be understandable.

LegacyUser

How has his mam and family got on with his other gfs? Maybe there a pattern of his family having plenty to say about outsiders coming into the family? The whole dynamic seems very intense and wierd on his familys part.

Ignoring covid I think you seem fairly normal and behaved grand.

Id say he will probably decide your not a good fit for his family now and thatll be that anyway.

Princess Calla

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

Another issue was that they didn't like that I made my own coffee/toast (I offered to make it myself as I dont expect to be waited on hand and foot)

the boyfriend put it to me thst it was a case of the parents sitting him down for this serious chat.

Then it was mentioned that I seemed annoyed that he was gone for so long.

I am asking myself now was it too soon to be staying over

How can someone say im a different person around different people after only spending a bit of time with me twice?

apparently his mum had tears in her eyes which I feel awful if she did but at the same time I've done nothing wrong?. I just think its out of proportion altogether.

The boyfriend is now questioning things as he's worried about the fact that if the parents dont get on with me then what will happen. He mentioned he didn't say anything back even as much as that they are probably misunderstanding things and wasn't sure what to believe

These are the points that stood out for me.

I hate people wandering into my kitchen helping themselves, I know some people don't mind this but I think it's extremely rude.

Too soon to be staying over? Yeah I think so.

Has he had exgirlfriends stay over in the past? Is this new territory for everyone? Is there an ex that the mother was very fond of?

There's a few things that are coming across as half truths or lies...you being annoyed at him being gone so long/you being a different person . It comes across that the mother doesn't overly like you....now it could just be that they are annoyed over you breaking restrictions, I do think there's something more to it though. In "normal" times I'd be saying she's showing manipulative traits but it really could be covid stress.

What I don't get is why your boyfriend needed to tell you all this especially describing his mam as having tears in her eyes.

I'm sorry to say this OP but there's an inner voice telling me he's looking for an out and he's going to use his mother as a scapegoat.

I obviously could be completely wrong but I wouldn't be staying over anytime soon.

Rubberchikken

It goes without saying that we're in pandemic restrictions so vising and staying over shouldn't have happened.
Depending on age they may not have been happy with an effective stranger staying over, covid or not.

Tbh I'd stay away for the.moment. continue with your bf meeting up when possible/allowed and see how things go.

[Deleted User]

Thanks all your right it is too soon (yes I know not supposed to with restrictions) they have people over all the time so its strange but maybe they could just feel differently than before about having people over, like the sister has her boyfriend over. With the helping myself no Jesus I didn't just get up and go for it I was offered it and I was just like ah no you don't have to be making it for me or anything and she actually said she left the bread out n all for me like there was no bother. I wouldnt be one to just help myself like that.
I do think there's something else to it I dont think that's exactly it. Like he's stayed over in my parents place about 10 times. I wouldnt have stayed at all if they didn't want me to but maybe he read it wrong I dont know but definitely no intention on my part to cause any issues.

I think part of the reason im not finding it easy to understand all this is that they were raving about me after the first time I stayed so its one extreme now to the other

Tork

OP are his parents conservative? Were you married before this?

[Deleted User]

Tork wrote: »

OP are his parents conservative? Were you married before this?

They are a bit i guess no never married.

Caranica

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

(yes I know not supposed to with restrictions) ....

Like he's stayed over in my parents place about 10 times....

The relationship is only a few months old, only official one month, and you're both living at home and visiting other households despite knowing you're not supposed to? This just blows my mind.

I'm not sure either of you are mature enough to have a relationship when you're putting other people's health at risk in this way.

[Deleted User]

Caranica wrote: »

The relationship is only a few months old, only official one month, and you're both living at home and visiting other households despite knowing you're not supposed to? This just blows my mind.

I'm not sure either of you are mature enough to have a relationship when you're putting other people's health at risk in this way.

Oh no I understand where you are coming from entirely with that. We both work from home we don't see anyone else, I know that's still not the exception to the rule but it's as safe as we can get. There's people a lot lot worse with restrictions.

YellowLead

Just because your parents are comfortable having him over doesn’t mean his parents would be comfortable having you, a stranger, over. It strikes me as being VERY soon to be meeting one another’s parents, after dating only a couple of months.

They might have been okay with you visiting but not staying over...and with him gone for a chunk of the time that was definitely not cool as you are a stranger in their home. That was probably what annoyed them the most. Especially if they mentioned you helping yourself to coffee etc. I’d say they were just as annoyed with him but he didn’t put it to you like that.
He might not be that into the relationship as another poster suggested and is using this as an out. I mean not wanting to date somebody because your parents don’t approve...is he a man child?

I know it must be difficult dating when both parties live with their parents but at the end of the day the reality is it’s their home. I don’t see the need for overnight visits especially when only getting to know each other - I wouldn’t do that in a million years in somebody else’s parents home, pandemic or not.it’s just a bit disrespectful really.

forestgirl

I think helping yourself around someone else's kitchen came across as being extremely forward it would be like you were trying to take over, I know you see it as trying to be helpful. It was really way to soon to be staying over and they were probably very afraid in their own home with a stranger coming to stay and touching everything as well,how can they know you don't have the virus.
I think your boyfriend was very selfish bringing you there

Tork

Do you know if your boyfriend ever had previous girlfriends stay over in his parents' house, in his bed? If he didn't, then having the knowledge that their son shares a bed with another woman waved under their noses might be a bit much. Also, some families are slower than others to accept "outsiders" into the fold and what happened here was too much too soon. They probably were irritated that they had to entertain a stranger in their space while your boyfriend went away and these things you've described became more annoying because of that. I'm sure they've wondered why you insisted on coming along when you were going to be a spare for a while.

[Deleted User]

Tork wrote: »

Do you know if your boyfriend ever had previous girlfriends stay over in his parents' house, in his bed? If he didn't, then having the knowledge that their son shares a bed with another woman waved under their noses might be a bit much. Also, some families are slower than others to accept "outsiders" into the fold and what happened here was too much too soon. They probably were irritated that they had to entertain a stranger in their space while your boyfriend went away and these things you've described became more annoying because of that. I'm sure they've wondered why you insisted on coming along when you were going to be a spare for a while.

He hasn't had a proper relationship before, plus no sleeping in same room at all thats the rule and I respect that entirely so separate rooms. The thing is we were talking away and the mum was delighted to be telling all the stories I cant explain it like there seemed to be no issues at all its so out of the blue. But you could be right they maybe didn't expect him to be gone as long as he was. I was actually against coming over until he was back but he was saying no no it was safer to come when I did but yeah wasn't the best idea clearly but I had no issue waiting until he was done before I arrived.

Hannibal_Smith

Maybe the parents had an issue with him having someone staying over and he doesn't know what way to tell you, so he's making out the parents have an issue with you as opposed to the situation?

Porklife

forestgirl wrote: »

I think helping yourself around someone else's kitchen came across as being extremely forward it would be like you were trying to take over, I know you see it as trying to be helpful. It was really way to soon to be staying over and they were probably very afraid in their own home with a stranger coming to stay and touching everything as well,how can they know you don't have the virus.
I think your boyfriend was very selfish bringing you there

She didnt help herself around their kitchen. The mom offered her coffee and bread and she politely said you don't have to do that for me and the mom left the bread out for her. If that's upsetting to the mom when the girl was clearly trying to be nice and not be waited upon then the mom is overly sensitive.
It's not like she went in and started whipping up a 5 course meal yelling where's the wok and we're low on soy sauce! Give her a break.

Op I'm sorry you've been made to feel in the way and unwelcome. It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong tbh. Tears in the mothers eyes is over the top too. I dont really have advice as I dont really get why they're upset but id probably avoid staying over again any time soon.

Big Bag of Chips

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

I think part of the reason im not finding it easy to understand all this is that they were raving about me after the first time I stayed so its one extreme now to the other

Maybe you're finding it difficult to understand, because your bf isn't being fully honest about what was actually said. Last time you were there your bf was also there. The second time you've been to stay in their house your bf goes off leaving you in the house for hours. Maybe his mother pointed out to him that he left you there. It was awkward. He should have been there to make the breakfast with you/for you, rather than leaving you making food in a kitchen you weren't familiar with. Making small talk with people you weren't familiar with.

I just find it odd that he would go off for hours, on something that was prearranged, that you both knew was happening and he'd just leave you there for his parents to entertain. I think it's rude. Chances are his mother told him so, and now he has to make it out to be something other than him misjudging the situation.

I think his mother clearly said something to him. But I think the story has shifted and changed a bit by the time he said it to you.

MissShihTzu

What on earth were the pair of you thinking going to stay at each other's houses during a supposed lockdown? That's just asking for trouble on so many different levels, especially as you haven't known each other long.

With that said, I think your boyfriends parents are being a little passive aggressive about this. I think they were uncomfortable with the idea of you staying over, but didn't want to directly say anything. Certainly not to you.

I think like some of the others have said, they had the conversation with your boyfriend which was the right thing to do. But I also think the story got twisted (whether deliberately or not) which puts you in a bad light. What does your boyfriend think about his role in this? Does he not bear some of the responsibility as he was (presumably) the one who invited you over?

FWIW - I think it's very bad taste to have partners over to stay when the relationship's new. It would have been far nicer to meet the parents (if you must) in a more social setting - dropping in to say 'hi' or even coming over for dinner/lunch. I'd knock the staying over bit for BOTH of you for now, and keep things a bit more casual.

Hope it works out for you.

Jequ0n

Can we just stop the lockdown chastising for a bit..people send their brats into nurseries and schools and here everyone is freaking out over 2 people working from home who meet up.

OP, you know yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t question yourself.

If they actually had a problem with you and it was enough to make your partner doubt things it should probably make you doubt your partner

Big Bag of Chips

Red card for Jequ0n for below standard posting.

People send their children to school and nurseries. This is not against current regulations.

MissShihTzu

Jequ0n wrote: »

Can we just stop the lockdown chastising for a bit..people send their brats into nurseries and schools and here everyone is freaking out over 2 people working from home who meet up.

I think you've missed the point. Personally, I don't care if people are stupid enough to break the rules. Whether people send their children or brats as you so charmingly put it,to school/nursery is irrelevant. It's the optics of the situation that's important, which has been exacerbated by the pandemic.

I don't believe the OP's partner is telling her the full strength either. It takes two to make the situation. It's not all her fault. The only fault was agreeing to the staying over, especially so early in the relationship. HE was the one to invite her. She accepted. HE then made the situation worse by leaving her, a stranger sat in his parent's house whilst he disappeared for hours. That's rude, and I wouldn't tolerate that either.

Jequ0n

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I think you've missed the point. Personally, I don't care if people are stupid enough to break the rules. Whether people send their children or brats as you so charmingly put it,to school/nursery is irrelevant. It's the optics of the situation that's important, which has been exacerbated by the pandemic.

I don't believe the OP's partner is telling her the full strength either. It takes two to make the situation. It's not all her fault. The only fault was agreeing to the staying over, especially so early in the relationship. HE was the one to invite her. She accepted. HE then made the situation worse by leaving her, a stranger sat in his parent's house whilst he disappeared for hours. That's rude, and I wouldn't tolerate that either.

I just think it would be nice to see people actually focussing on the thread/ topic instead of derailing everything via the Covid route.

If the parents were fine having someone over (as they seem to have been beforehand) we are talking about consenting adults in this mix. There is no need to guilt the OP.

I commented on the rest so no need to add more. If the OPs partner is telling the truth is for her to decide.

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded to stick to offering advice to the OP.

TheadoreT

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

but its a bit much this soon for me and i kind of feel a bit bombarded.

Have to say this sentence made me laugh. You feel bombarded? You're to one who camped yourself in more or less strangers house for a weekend including significant time without your boyfriend. They're the ones who've been bombarded, especially given the pandemic timing. You've overstepped several boundaries here and the fact you think they're the ones showing red flags makes yourself and your boyfiend come across at best gormless if you're that oblivious.

This is their home, where they relax and wind down and to have a stranger wandering around the entire time was probably overwhelming for the mother. Of course she's going to be friendly and welcoming to you but that doesn't mean she's wasnt massively uncomfortable at the same time which she understandably seems to have been given the fallout.

Use this as a learning curve to be more considerate of people aside from yourself, your post is only really about your own woe with zero consideration for the awkward position you put the family through. Being friendly and polite doesn't negate that.