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Child Item

Why did you decide to be childfree?

Faith

Hurrah, new forum!

Let's kick it off with one of the most obvious topics for discussion - why did you decide on a childfree life? And when?

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anewme

Dial Hard wrote: »

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

Jaysus.

Could have written this word for word.

R.D. aka MR.D

For me, the moment i realised that it was optional I was like 'why on earth would you choose to have them?' But now that I'm over the age of 10, i understand why people want them but I know they aren't for me!

To be honest, for me it is about being able to make choices. I'm in my 30s now and what I notice about people who have had children from the time I was in secondary school right up until now when the friends having them are more well to do, you just close so many doors. There are things you just can't do any more (if you want to be a good parent). I think this is extra true for women.

I had a hard enough time growing up and I think a child should have parents who want it and love it. I would never bring a child into the world knowing they wouldn't have the best. To give them the best, I would have to give up my dreams and my ambitions and happiness. Why create a life just to end mine?

AMTE_21

I never wanted children either. Was married and said maybe some day, but didn’t really mean it. I grew up in a relatively poor family and saw my mother and father struggle to raise 4 of us. They never had a holiday. I was determined to start working and travel and experience things. My sister married young and had kids, her husband was an alcoholic and I saw her struggling and said no way is that going to be me. I didn’t particularly like kids anyway. When we were young all the girls loved “minding kids”. I had zero interest. I wanted to play football with the boys. I can’t relate to young children I prefer when they’re older and can have a proper conversation. Maybe it was just me and my family, but I never got any comments about it. One of my brothers has no children. I never regretted it. Also, the whole physical side! Yeuch.....

Nymeria

Deleted User wrote: »

I am where I am now at 39. There's been an awful lot of figuring stuff out and I just don't know if I have the space inside of me to be a mother.

I can definitely relate to this - I will be 37 this year and I'm still figuring out so much about who I am and what I want, and children have just never been in my plans. Also, I'm able to take risks that I wouldn't have done if I had children to think of. I'm completely changing careers into a more low paid, less secure position. Which is doable because I only have myself to support.

Years ago my sister (who always wanted kids and has two) was shocked when I told her I wouldn't be having any, and she said I might change my mind if I meet the perfect guy...I just remember thinking: if a guy I meet wanted kids then he wouldn't be the perfect guy for me.

Thankfully I have friends who are also childfree I haven't been left behind my friendship group. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for over ten years, they are very happy and settled together, but she has had so many questions about why they aren't married/ don't have kids over the years - he's never been asked

Anyway I found this from an old post I wrote on a similar thread several years ago -

I'm turning 30 this year and I'm pretty certain that I don't want children - have never felt the urge. I don't really have a 'reason' as such, just something I know in my heart...I suppose the same way that other people just know that they really want them. When I hear other women talking about being broody and stuff, I kind of smile and nod, but don't really understand it. I accept that it must be true for them, but in quite a detached way...like they are speaking a different language or something.

I still largely feel the same way, but I would say I'm more confident in my choice now, and feel less defensive and less like I have to justify it. Possibly because it's more talked about, and more accepted than before, or I'm just getting old

[Deleted User]

cee_jay wrote: »

I have nieces and a nephew, 2 godchildren, and am very close with my best friends daughters (they call us their fraunt and fruncle - friend aunt/uncle), and I love them all.

I love that! I am very fond of and close to some of my friends' children so I may adopt your term!

Cherry Blossom

Like a few others on this thread I never made a decision to be child free. To me being child free is the default position. We are all born child free just as we are born single. I’ve never had an interest in being a parent just as I’ve never really had an interest in being in a relationship. I’ve had a few short term dalliances in my teens and twenties but it’s been well over 10 years now since I felt an attraction to a member of the opposite sex. I guess I naturally just don’t have the instincts to find a mate or procreate. Even as a child I had no interest in playing with dolls until I was about 11 when I got a Sindy I dressed up and sent to imaginary jobs and discos and other grown up things. Before that I was interested in bikes and matchbox cars and plastic farm animals. I’m 41 now and live alone with a dog. I’m happy out.

[Deleted User]

Cherry Blossom wrote: »

Like a few others on this thread I never made a decision to be child free. To me being child free is the default position. We are all born child free just as we are born single. I’ve never had an interest in being a parent just as I’ve never really had an interest in being in a relationship. I’ve had a few short term dalliances in my teens and twenties but it’s been well over 10 years now since I felt an attraction to a member of the opposite sex. I guess I naturally just don’t have the instincts to find a mate or procreate. Even as a child I had no interest in playing with dolls until I was about 11 when I got a Sindy I dressed up and sent to imaginary jobs and discos and other grown up things. Before that I was interested in bikes and matchbox cars and plastic farm animals. I’m 41 now and live alone with a dog. I’m happy out.

Yes I would very much see it as a default position rather than an expectation of life. I tend to view all the so called life stages like that. There's no checklist or roadmap or x amount of achievements needed by x age for me.

magicbastarder

Just never had the urge myself. I will say if I had met someone for whom it was important, I'd have been happy to recognise that, and become a dad, but my wife (we're married nine years, I'm in my mid 40s) never had the urge either.

r93kaey5p2izun

I don't know. It has always just been the default for me that I would not have children. Like, the thought that I *would* ever have them never actually entered my head. I never pictured a scenario where my life would involve children. To me having children just automatically seemed as implausible and unlikely as becoming an astronaut or a F1 driver, or other things that don't interest me and seem outside the realms of possibility.

I did used to like the idea of a family with children, and think it was just my circumstances that put me off having any. But actually, my thoughts of having children were only ever theoretical, like imagining a fictional scene with no bearing on reality - I never actually put myself into the theoretical family situation. So I have come to realise that actually, it has always just been a default of me not being a parent, regardless of circumstances.

weisses

Knew my whole life i didn't want kids ... Got the snip in my early twenties ... Best decision ever

pinkypinky

Don't want to derail the thread so it might be better to split this off, but Weisses comment about getting the snip in their 20s...

I've known several women in their early 40s be refused (or maybe strongly persuaded) by doctors not to get tubes tied/have a hysterectomy when other medical reasons meant it was the right decision because it would take away fertility options. Or a milder example, being refused a prescription for the coil if they've never had kids.

Dial Hard

I'd be very surprised if that was in Ireland, and perhaps Weisses might confirm. My brother was refused a vasectomy in his 30s, with three children, on the grounds of "What if your wife dies and you remarry and your new wife wants children?"

Having read Peter Boylan's book it really is terrifying the level to which the Church was involved in reproductive medicine in this country up until *very* recently.

shesty

Well I am married with 3 kids and we are 100% finished. No question.Husband has had the snip, so have many men we know in a similar position to ours.It's easier for men to do because much as I actually would like to get my tubes tied and not have to rely on hormonal contraception or his procedure, the number of hoops I need to jump through to get them tied as a standalone procedure is ridiculous.Maternity hospitals generally don't offer them as a procedure and yes, it is partly because of that religious influence still there...it's a contraceptive procedure, so frowned upon by the hospital (in theory).They will do it as part of a C-Section if you have a couple of kids - probably since they are in there anyway, kind of thing.....
It is really wrong, the whole bloody thing.I don't see why I should have to explain several times over and justify it, that after 3 kids, I know I am finished.Surely if you regret the procedure down the line that is your problem as an individual, and not something the doctor needs to take responsibility for.

o1s1n

Life is too short and you only get one chance at it.

I know having children can be extremely rewarding and maybe if humans lived 500 years I might give it a go at some point, but with just 70-80 years on earth and so much to do I think it's absolutely bonkers to limit yourself to that degree.

On top of that, it's also not a guarantee that you'll enjoy being a parent or that your children will even like you in the long run. Plenty of families break up / become estranged. Can't even imagine the horror of spending a quarter of my life raising someone fo that to potentially happen.

Plenty of people genuinely regret having children too, it's just such an absolute taboo it's never discussed and I'm sure a massively repressed feeling for most parents who feel that way.

No thanks, will stick with my two cats, dual income household and opulent child free lifestyle :pac:

nervous_twitch

Dial Hard wrote: »

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

Although I understand this completely, I think its important to acknowledge that you can be childfree and still love children. I have great craic with the kids I have in my life, they are hilarious and fascinating to me, but by god am I happy to be able to hand them back at the end of the day! It's the reality of the responsibility involved that I have absolutely zero interest in.

Wanderer78

nervous_twitch wrote:

Although I understand this completely, I think its important to acknowledge that you can be childfree and still love children. I have great craic with the kids I have in my life, they are hilarious and fascinating to me, but by god am I happy to be able to hand them back at the end of the day! It's the reality of the responsibility involved that I have absolutely zero interest in.

I'd have to completely agree, I find kids fascinating and actually inspirational a lot of the time, theyre actually probably the main reason that drives and motivates me in what I do in life, they're also extremely intelligent, and understand a great deal about the world, and a lot of time, far better than us adults

Rezident

My partner is 31 and she never wanted kids and I am sure she never will want them which suits me perfectly, although if she had wanted them I am sure we would have had them so I'm not sure how important my view is on the matter. Compared with my wife (it takes years to get divorced in Ireland) being childfree makes every aspect of our relationship better. I am so lucky that I found someone who does not seem to think she needs kids and I enthusiastically demonstrate my gratitude to her every day. I will do everything in my power to hold on to this wonderful woman.

My wife wanted kids more than anything in life and I thought it would fix the problems in our relationship. Of course it can never do that, in fact it brought things to a head much sooner when she deserted the family home with our son and ran away from her maternity hospital at 8 months pregnant. If someone sufferers from serious mental health issues, pregnancy will not make things better.

I know more people, especially men, need to be much more careful about who we have kids with, instead of just bringing more fatherless children (increased probability of mental health problems, anti-social behaviour, criminality and suicide) into the world because we feel like we are 'in love' with a girl. I love my kids, I support my kids, but they now live on the far side of the country or wherever their mother moves to next and my wife's revolving boyfriend's have more 'rights' to them than I do.

I am so grateful for my girlfriend and for each woman that does not needlessly have children. Clearly not everyone having kids meets the high standards to be a good parent, look around the world today. Because if you are in a sexual relationship with a woman, and she wants kids, as a man, I don't know how we can resist that, I honestly don't. It feels like we don't stand a chance and then neither will the kids.

I am very interested in this thread and in my girlfriend's reasons for being childfree, she has never really told me why she doesn't want kids and I have never pushed it, but I am very grateful. She is getting extra kisses and cuddles today!

PmMeUrDogs

I just never had that maternal urge. I absolutely love kids, and I dote on my siblings' children but it's never been something I saw for me.

That was compounded by illnesses diagnosed that are all hereditary or ay least have a genetic predisposition, I wouldn't ever put a child at risk of the conditions I have

Windmill100000

I told a friend in my late 20s that I didn't think I wanted children. She was visibly aghast at the thought and said I'd probably change my mind. I didn't think I would and am 49 this year with no children.

The urge never came and I have never regretted it. I've had two very different careers, have travelled the world and am with a partner who is 50 and never had children either.

I absolutely love my life and wouldn't change a thing. When younger I would be asked about children and I always gave a very defiant "no, that path is not for me" and was never questioned beyond that. I never cared about it being accepted or people thinking it strange.

I dont know anyone that was as conscientious as myself taking the pill all through my 20s and 30s. I got the implant in my 40s, which was life-changing.

So, in sum, no regrets, I don't feel I have missed out and I have a wide circle of close friends so have never felt lonely.

Wanderer78

here is a perfect example of emotional intelligence, as shown by these kids, us adults have a lot to learn from them!

nothing

Don't remember making the decision, but know it was never something I wanted. My mother was a childminder, so there was always kids/babies in the house, and for the most part I just found it annoying.

Mid 30s now, and just about have the energy to look after myself, can't imagine trying to cope with a child on top of a mental illness. No thank you.

Too many perks without kids too - can do what I want when I want, go where I want on a whim (restrictions allowing), eat what I want when I want, full control of the tv, all the space at home is mine, etc etc.

I don't have any childfree friends, but thankfully I rarely hear any comments about my decision, it's just accepted. Some have small kids, some have grown up kids, some are desperately trying. I wouldn't want to be in any of their shoes!

Ave Sodalis

I've never really had any desire to have children of my own. I had an active hand (sometimes very active) in raising my siblings growing up, so I feel like I'm already done with children without ever having my own. One sibling had behavioural issues growing up, and 2 other siblings were used by their parents (father and stepmother) to cause a lot of damage mentally, which wiped any sort of desire to have children of my own from me.

I have never gotten warm, fuzzy feelings when seeing babies. I don't have any particular maternal instinct to have any of my own. My now ex seen a toddler walking across the road in a harness. He started cooing about it and my stomach dropped with dread because I realised it was the beginning of the end of an otherwise great relationship. I tried really hard to spark that want. I would think happy thoughts when around them, and try to trick my brain into becoming at least a little bit broody, but as soon as I would stop actively trying, it would be gone. If I was told I'm infertile today, I'd celebrate.

Now I have physical health issues that may or may not make it difficult for me to even look after myself, so if the hormones hit in 10 years time, it would be a bad decision anyway.

divide_by_zero

I was twelve years old when I knew I never wanted kids. I come from a large family and second oldest, my parents worked a lot which meant that me and my sister had to look after our younger siblings. We fed them, cleaned, them and put them to bed. I remember at that age thinking I never want to have to do this again with kids of my own and that sealed it for me. I look back now and it feels like I've already raised a family and often wonder why people do it. I'm a guy in my mid forties and couldn't be more happy with the decision I've made to not have kids.

magicbastarder

interesting; my wife used to mind kids (on her own) from age 12, and word went out among the neighbours and at one point she was minding five kids, when she was about 13. i wonder how much of an impact that had on her choice.

Faith

Being parentified as a child seems to send people quite firmly into either camp, as far as I can see. Either they grow up thinking “I want a big family of my own” or “I never want children”. Not many who grow up around loads of kids seem to be ambivalent about kids as adults, in my experience.

lainey_d_123

It's mainly been circumstantial for me. Always assumed I'd have kids and was dating with the aim of settling down and having a family but the relationships I got into just didn't work out, and I'm now 35 and single and reconsidering whether I do actually want kids or I've just felt like it was something I had to do because of other people's expectations.

One thing for me is that I genuinely think women get a terrible deal when it comes to kids and family stuff. Not only do women have to go through the physical ordeal of pregnancy, it seems that even now in 2021, it's rare for their male partners to truly do their share of the work. I see women just run absolutely ragged trying to cope with the kids and the housework and the cooking while their partners take themselves off on fishing trips with the lads, or watch sport on TV all afternoon. That would drive me absolutely mental and I don't think I'd be able to tolerate it.

The career aspect is also a big one - it's basically impossible to 'have it all', and having kids generally comes with the reality that you're going to have to make career sacrifices, whether it's going part time or not going for demanding roles/promotions or even giving up work altogether, and then being financially dependent on your partner (and I've seen this go REALLY wrong and descend into outright financial/emotional abuse). Men just don't suffer in the same way at all, and I don't think I'd be able to deal with the resentment, in all honesty. I've seen plenty of cases of women being left in the lurch when the partner leaves and she's left with the kids and no career and no money.

I'm also unsure whether I'd cope with kids. I've worked with them before as an au pair and a teacher and been told many times I'm good with them, and they usually love me, but I find it incredibly stressful and draining. I'm autistic with ADHD and have a lower threshold than most for frustration and boredom, and I find kids very frustrating and boring on the whole. Being a parent isn't like being a teacher where you hand them back at the end of the day. The idea of basically having no 'me time' to decompress is terrifying, and I genuinely worry about whether or not I'd cope.

I feel like women especially are 'conditioned' by society to feel like marriage and kids are essential and you'll end up a sad old spinster if you don't follow the life script, and the older I get, the more I'm questioning the entire thing. The women I know with kids don't seem happy. They seem stressed and miserable and never get a moment to themselves. I have a friend in St Lucia who has invited me over, and I can just go, as soon as the covid restrictions allow. I can just book a flight and go over there whenever I want to without having to think about kids and school and responsibilities to others. I find it a bit galling how women are often framed as 'selfish' for not having kids so they can enjoy holidays and me time - what is so bad about that? I don't feel like I was put on this earth to serve other people the entire time and neglect my own needs. I've worked really hard to build a career and a life for myself after a difficult childhood and more and more I'm feeling like I don't really want to give that up.

lainey_d_123

Faith wrote: »

Being parentified as a child seems to send people quite firmly into either camp, as far as I can see. Either they grow up thinking “I want a big family of my own” or “I never want children”. Not many who grow up around loads of kids seem to be ambivalent about kids as adults, in my experience.

I think this definitely affected me. I was basically a skivvy in my teenage years. I was expected to look after the house and my siblings while my parents worked. My brother is just a year younger but absolutely nothing was expected of him. He got to sit around watching TV all day and hang around with friends as I was cleaning bathrooms and washing dishes and getting things ready for dinner. I couldn't stand having all this responsibility that I hadn't asked for at the expense of being able to do normal teenage things. I'm sure this has fed into my overwhelming desire to be able to do whatever I want as an adult.

[Deleted User]

Rezident wrote: »

My partner is 31 and she never wanted kids and I am sure she never will want them which suits me perfectly, although if she had wanted them I am sure we would have had them so I'm not sure how important my view is on the matter. Compared with my wife (it takes years to get divorced in Ireland) being childfree makes every aspect of our relationship better. I am so lucky that I found someone who does not seem to think she needs kids and I enthusiastically demonstrate my gratitude to her every day. I will do everything in my power to hold on to this wonderful woman.

My wife wanted kids more than anything in life and I thought it would fix the problems in our relationship. Of course it can never do that, in fact it brought things to a head much sooner when she deserted the family home with our son and ran away from her maternity hospital at 8 months pregnant. If someone sufferers from serious mental health issues, pregnancy will not make things better.

I know more people, especially men, need to be much more careful about who we have kids with, instead of just bringing more fatherless children (increased probability of mental health problems, anti-social behaviour, criminality and suicide) into the world because we feel like we are 'in love' with a girl. I love my kids, I support my kids, but they now live on the far side of the country or wherever their mother moves to next and my wife's revolving boyfriend's have more 'rights' to them than I do.

I am so grateful for my girlfriend and for each woman that does not needlessly have children. Clearly not everyone having kids meets the high standards to be a good parent, look around the world today. Because if you are in a sexual relationship with a woman, and she wants kids, as a man, I don't know how we can resist that, I honestly don't. It feels like we don't stand a chance and then neither will the kids.

I am very interested in this thread and in my girlfriend's reasons for being childfree, she has never really told me why she doesn't want kids and I have never pushed it, but I am very grateful. She is getting extra kisses and cuddles today!

You are not childfree and to be honest I find this post a bit strange.
You are grateful to your girlfriend because she doesn't want kids, but you actually have kids.
Oh and fyi, your ex wife's boyfriends do not have more rights to your children then you do.

JoChervil

When I was young I never thought about it. It was just at the back of my had that I will follow normal path: get married, have kids. Even my mum mused few times that I would be a good mum. Maybe because I was more caring than my sisters, at least to my mum. Now I know that such presumption was based on my wrong trait, which was over caring.

I was lucky enough that I haven’t got pregnant by accident. I don’t think I would have strong enough psyche to have an abortion or even seriously consider it, so I am happy I never had to face such a difficult decision, while now I know for sure that I would be a terrible mother.

I simply worry too much about the closest people. So I would be overprotective. My kid would have to literally stay in the middle of the room and don’t move. Only such situation would make me calm. I can’t watch kids climbing or doing dangerous things. I think I can imagine too many things, which could go wrong. So my kids would have a life of horror. So now, when I know myself better, I am happy that I don’t have them. I would feel awfully sorry knowing that I limited them and they haven’t developed in the best way for them, only in the best way for my peace of mind at the time.

Funnily now, when I know myself better, I could have kids emotionally. I think I could restrain my overprotective urges, but unfortunately it is too late for me physically. And anyway it would be a hard work for me.

So I have no regrets. I would regret much more having damaged kids because at the time I could have had them I would very likely limit them enormously.

BTW I know that it is a natural course of life and all parents are imperfect. And most of them worry too much. But I wouldn’t like my kids to “eat my sour grapes”. It is my responsibility to deal with it first.

Another thing is I need a lot of my personal space. I know it looks like a paradox but it is not. I don’t even live with my partner and it is better that way. But it took me some time and few failed relationships to realise it.

PmMeUrDogs

Faith wrote: »

Being parentified as a child seems to send people quite firmly into either camp, as far as I can see. Either they grow up thinking “I want a big family of my own” or “I never want children”. Not many who grow up around loads of kids seem to be ambivalent about kids as adults, in my experience.

Parentification definitely made my decision for me.