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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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fryup

my last paddy joke for the week that's in it...

Paddy, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Paddy had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside.

Paddy and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention.

The boy asked his father Pat,

What is this dad?

Paddy (who had never seen an elevator before) responded,

Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is!

While Paddy and his son were staring with amazement a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady got between them and got into a small room.

The walls magically closed and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order.

The door opens and a young busty blonde stepped out.

Paddy, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

"Go get your mother"

everlast75

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

[Deleted User]

I’m terrified of lifts .. so I've been taking steps to avoid them ,,,,

everlast75

Chris Eubank has written a book on Ethics.

They say if it sells well, he's going to write his next book on Kent.

everlast75

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my b*lls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

everlast75

I've decided on a change of career -
So I applied for a job at The Echo, but I'm still waiting to hear back from them...

Edgware

everlast75 wrote: »

I've decided on a change of career -
So I applied for a job at The Echo, but I'm still waiting to hear back from them...

I got a job disposing of boomerangs but just couldnt get rid of them

New Home

Couldn't you just throw them away?

[Deleted User]

New Home wrote: »

Couldn't you just throw them away?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_prtbj4MtDU

Suckit

Earthworms are easier to sharpen if you freeze them first.

Suckit

A man has been found dead in Minffordd, Penrhyndeudraeth, Gwynedd.

Meanwhile, 6 of tonight's newscasters have phoned in sick.

Suckit

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

Thepillowman

Suckit wrote: »

A man has been found dead in Minffordd, Penrhyndeudraeth, Gwynedd.

Meanwhile, 6 of tonight's newscasters have phoned in sick.

Luckily he wasn't from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

M.T. Cranium

Flammable, inflammable, make up your minds.

whiskeyman

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Flammable, inflammable, make up your minds.

Both match...

[Deleted User]

whiskeyman wrote: »

Both match...

We mustn't inflame the situation, he'll go incandescent if we do.

New Home

It is indeed a burning issue.

frag420

Phew, things were getting heated there for a bit!

everlast75

I just read online about a woman who had plastic surgery so that she'd have 12 breasts!

I find that hard to believe! I mean, it does sound pretty weird, dozen tit?

chewed

I can't take my dog to the park any more as the ducks keep biting him.

I should have known it would happen. He's pure bread.

RobMc59

My boss said to me today:"You're the worst train driver ever.How many have you derailed this year?"
I replied:"I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."

Capt'n Midnight

In other news, a local 27 year old woman has gone missing.

Unfortunately, we only have her online dating photo, so we have no idea what she actually looks like....

upupup

chewed wrote: »

I can't take my dog to the park any more as the ducks keep biting him.

I should have known it would happen. He's pure bread.

Pure bread! must have cost you a lot of dough.

blade1

chewed wrote: »

I can't take my dog to the park any more as the ducks keep biting him.

I should have known it would happen. He's pure bread.

Does it happen when you yeast expect it?

GBX

I asked my wife if she minded me having a tattoo.

She actually thought it was a good idea. So I did...

Now she's moaning about the feckin' pipers in the garden!

M.T. Cranium

People have kilt for less.

everlast75

I'm going to a good Friday, fancy dress house party tomorrow night.

My mate is going as a rastafarian and has asked me to do his hair.

I'm dreading it.

[Deleted User]

everlast75 wrote: »

I'm going to a good Friday, fancy dress house party tomorrow night.

My mate is going as a Rastafarian and has asked me to do his hair.

I'm dreading it.

Just be sure you're not locked before doing it!

coolhull

Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Suckit

I told my Doctor that I was experiencing hearing loss in one ear,

He asked, "What ear is it?" I said, "2021"......