Why did you decide to be childfree?

Faith · 31-03-2021 11:25am #1

Hurrah, new forum!

Let's kick it off with one of the most obvious topics for discussion - why did you decide on a childfree life? And when?

Faith · 31-03-2021 11:31am

For me, I think once I realised having kids was optional, I never actually wanted them. I used to speak about "getting married at X age, having kids by Y age", but certainly by my early 20s, that shifted to "No kids for me, thanks!". I don't remember the change, but I do remember speaking to my new boyfriend (now husband) when I was about 21 and telling him it was important that he knew I didn't want kids. Happily, he was fine with it.

It never felt like there was a particularly clear reason why I didn't want kids, but I quickly realised that an absence of desire is reason enough. I work with children, and one belief I hold firm is that children should only be brought into this world when they are actively wanted, with parents who are willing and able to put their children front and centre.

I always wondered whether I would change my mind when I got married, when my friends had kids or when I hit my 30s, but I'm now 34, 5.5 years married and the only one of my close friends not to have kids, and if anything, I only feel more resolute about not having them! I've never ruled out changing my mind if my feelings changed, but that definitely hasn't happened.

The One Doctor · 31-03-2021 12:50pm

I decided to be childfree in my twenties.

Ironically, once I met the right person I ended up being the person to suggest having a child, which we did, and now seven years later my wife is pregnant on our second.

Turns out parenting is hard work. We're lucky to have a great daughter, but I see so many children brought up in challenging environments, and it's no wonder that some people decide to go childfree (which sounds like some form of diet fizzy drink which does not contain children).

To those who don't want children at 20, be aware, you probably will want them when you're 40 (I'm 41).

Kids are not the be all and end all, they don't define you and they're not a must have accessory to life, but they will test your character and personality like nothing else on earth.

Personally, I'm a much better person for having children, but YMMV.

The_Conductor · 31-03-2021 2:55pm

Hi The One Doctor-

I would be grateful if you could be cognisant of the raison d'etre of this forum and considerate towards posters who have made an active decision to be childfree (for whatever reason). While your post is polite and thoughtful, it does come across as preaching to a certain extent- lots of people do not have children for various reasons, they do not need to be told how much they are missing as they are often told in other fora on Boards.

The purpose of this forum is to give a space to people who have decided to remain childless, where they can discuss any topics specific and pertinent to them, in a space where they are not going to be constantly questioned or have opinions foisted on them, by people who are not in a similar position to they.

Please keep this in mind if you wish to continue posting here.

Thankyou.

31-03-2021 2:56pm

I always wanted kids, was mad to have them. Then I got into a long term relationship. One day she came home with books on pregnancy and it dawned on me that if I wanted kids, I really didn't want my partner to be their mother (very, VERY short fuse) so I pulled the plug on the relationship.

I was in my early 30's when I made the final decision. I wanted to start a family when I was young and I decided that if it happened accidently I'd be ok with it, but I wasn't going to look to start a family.

Just after turning 40 I met my current wife who married VERY young and had 2 kids before she was 20 so she had no interest in more, that suited me and we've been happy ever since.

Do I regret not having kids, not really. I REALLY wanted kids when I was younger, but once I made that decision, that was that. I have extended family, all of whom have kids and pre-covid I made time to see them regularly. I'm quite happy to visit or babysit or do little outings with them but I've never, ever, once felt like I am missing out on something.

Dial Hard · 31-03-2021 3:19pm

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

shesty · 31-03-2021 8:19pm

It's interesting DaCor that you knew you didn't want your ex-partner to be the mother of your children.I have never heard that kind of thinking before.Quite a brave thing to do, although maybe it didn't feel that way at the time.
(For disclosure....I have kids).

pinkypinky · 31-03-2021 9:32pm

I always said I didn't want them but part of me thought, privately, that I might consider it if I met the right person, but I didn't. I remember one aunt saying this to me when I was in college, and feeling like "ok, so you're saying this fundamental thing about me could be changed by another person."

As I a woman, I do feel like I have to justify it much more than a man would, even though I'm not in a relationship and am over 40.

31-03-2021 9:39pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

I could have pretty much written that post, word-for-word, myself.

I also think that, as I live in a somewhat rough area, the amount of scumbags around is something I'd be conscious of, if I had a child. I would be very much aware of the risk of him/her becoming a scumbag, getting involved in drugs/crime/etc and pretty much just wasting their lives on nothing.

I think it would be incredibly frustrating and annoying to watch that unfold, knowing the invariable end-result.

So on top of just not wanting kids around me in general, that would be an extra reason for me to want to stay as far away from having children as possible.

To be honest, in general, I think we all live in a crappy world, and I see no reason to deliberately opt to inflict that on someone. I am not sure I grasp what it is that people feel they 'achieve' (for want of a better word) by having kids, with the exception of perhaps someone that may take care of them as a pensioner, but I'm sure the logic goes beyond that... perhaps a question for another thread, though.

Whiplashy · 31-03-2021 9:40pm

I always assumed growing up that I'd have kids. It's just what people do. I discovered through working with kids that I'm not all that keen on them, and I definitely don't want to live with them. Pretty lucky as it turned out, because I've health issues, I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm quickly approaching mid 30s. I barely manage to look after myself.

cee_jay · 01-04-2021 8:29am

For me, I don't think it was a conscious decision. I haven't chosen to be child free, rather I have chosen not to have children. The default option for me was always no kids.

I don't think I'm any less of a person for not having kids, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything either. I'm happy with my life as it is.

When I met my partner, we spoke about kids very on in our relationship. I raised it as I didn't have any major desire to have a child. He already has a son that he had quite young (his son is in his 20s now), so he was happy he had that part over and done with. He has asked me a few times over the years if I am still happy not to have a kid, and I have never felt that burning desire for a child. I've seen friends who end up broken hearted every month when having trouble to conceive, and I've never had that desire.

I have nieces and a nephew, 2 godchildren, and am very close with my best friends daughters (they call us their fraunt and fruncle - friend aunt/uncle), and I love them all. I am happy to be able to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day though.

01-04-2021 6:38pm

shesty wrote: »

It's interesting DaCor that you knew you didn't want your ex-partner to be the mother of your children.I have never heard that kind of thinking before.Quite a brave thing to do, although maybe it didn't feel that way at the time.
(For disclosure....I have kids).

Truth be told it was a relationship that had gone past its sell by date and I was only in it for convenience at that point.

It did come out of the blue for my ex, but after we sat down and I explained in detail my reasons, she accepted them, then stole thousands of euro from me, go figure lol.

BuboBubo · 01-04-2021 6:45pm

"You'll change your mind"

The above was always said to me, in my 20s And 30s and I genuinely thought I would!

I'm in my mid 40s now (female) still haven't got the urge. Whenever I see parents with their kids I can only see hard thankless work and misery.

When I'm 50 maybe I'll change my mind and be regretful, but somehow I doubt it. I think I got an extra dose of sarcasm rather than maternal instinct

01-04-2021 6:48pm

I said years ago that once I hit 30 it was a definite no to having children and I haven’t a single regret even l now about making that decision.

caviardreams · 01-04-2021 7:33pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

This is me too. There is a real expectation when a stranger's / colleague's kid is around that you fawn over them and think they are adorable, but that's not me at all. I find myself thinking, if I wanted to spend 30 minutes on zoom entertaining a child whilst I'm at a work meeting, I would have had one myself thanks! :rolleyes:

The number of people who have said to me "You'll change your mind" or "I thought that too, but having kids is the best thing in the world/you're not complete until you have kids" etc. I mean I don't think I have ever heard a childfree person saying "I think you really made a mistake having children"! :pac:

01-04-2021 8:09pm

I never had a big pull to have kids, just wasn't a big thing for me.
Had an ectopic pregnancy in my early 30s, unplanned pregnancy, had to lose an ovary, & the hospital gave me a few pamphlets on bereavement, I really wasn't upset and was relieved really!

Always said if I got to 40 without them, I wouldnt have them.
Nearly 46 now, no regrets and the older I get, the happier I am that I am childfree

01-04-2021 8:16pm

shesty wrote: »

It's interesting DaCor that you knew you didn't want your ex-partner to be the mother of your children.I have never heard that kind of thinking before.Quite a brave thing to do, although maybe it didn't feel that way at the time.
(For disclosure....I have kids).

I also felt this way. When my ex started to talk about maybe wanting a child my heart was filled with dread. The relationship wasn't a good fit for either of us anyway but the idea of him being the father to my kids? God. No way. I remember sleepless nights of thinking 'do I stay with him and not have children because I'm concerned about the type of father he will be, and why can't I be brave enough to walk away'.

01-04-2021 8:30pm

For me, it's a decision I haven't made. For as long as I can remember I wanted kids. I like them and they like me. When my best friend had her last child I was very involved and loved it. I was so happy sitting on the couch holding a newborn, could stay there for hours. My intention though was always bookended with '..but not now, later'. If I met the man I'm going to marry 10 years ago, if I didn't experience the life I have, if my career got off the road sooner, if if if.

I am where I am now at 39. There's been an awful lot of figuring stuff out and I just don't know if I have the space inside of me to be a mother. I see it as being such an important role, and I have a professional insight into how easy you can destroy a developing self. If I found out I was pregnant now I would not be happy. That's a very strong intuitive feeling I have. There is no biological clock ticking, no yearning. Even though I'm a year off 40 I still have that view of wanting kids but not now.

Something I do keep in mind is the potential for feeling loss in the future. Grief isn't only reserved for death. It wouldn't be good though to base such a huge decision on the possibility of how I might feel in the future. Right now life is good.

JackTC · 01-04-2021 8:54pm

I have comorbid ADHD/Bipolar and I don't wish to have kids as I don't want to pass my conditions down.

A lot of people might think that's a ridiculous reason, and that's fine.

Stihl waters · 01-04-2021 9:12pm

Child free here as well but it might be in the pipeline which I realise might not be in keeping with the theme of the thread and without derailing the thread but does anyone get the casual comments about being infertile or shooting blanks being called a jaffa etc. I'm married but its surprising the amount of friends(?) who think it's ok to comment slyly about such matters since I've gotten married

dobman88 · 01-04-2021 9:33pm

BuboBubo wrote: »

"You'll change your mind"

The above was always said to me, in my 20s And 30s and I genuinely thought I would!

I'm in my mid 40s now (female) still haven't got the urge. Whenever I see parents with their kids I can only see hard thankless work and misery.

When I'm 50 maybe I'll change my mind and be regretful, but somehow I doubt it. I think I got an extra dose of sarcasm rather than maternal instinct

Oh god. That's immensely frustrating for a man, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for a woman. My old boss used to say it, he meant absolutely no harm at all. He was just a bit old fashioned and we got on great but it annoyed me. I find its usually an older person saying such things.

I thought during my teens I'd never have/want kids. And I knew for certain by my early 20s. There are a number of reasons, quite personal so I don't want to post them, but I'm very happy with my life and the freedom I have. Im 32 now. Luckily I met a woman who made a decision to never have kids before we met and we are very happy together.

Just recently my fiancee found out one of her friends at work has decided to never have kids and I could see the relief on her face as she was chatting on zoom. Her and her fella made the decision together.

It's becoming more normal thankfully

shesty · 01-04-2021 9:40pm

Stihl waters wrote: »

Child free here as well but it might be in the pipeline which I realise might not be in keeping with the theme of the thread and without derailing the thread but does anyone get the casual comments about being infertile or shooting blanks being called a jaffaetc. I'm married but its surprising the amount of friends(?) who think it's ok to comment slyly about such matters since I've gotten married

I had one male friend who used to pass comments like that (not to me) until he and his wife took over a year to conceive their second child.That put paid to his smart comments, to be honest.It is an incredibly rude and personal thing for people to comment on.

Dial Hard · 01-04-2021 9:56pm

Stihl waters wrote: »

Child free here as well but it might be in the pipeline which I realise might not be in keeping with the theme of the thread and without derailing the thread but does anyone get the casual comments about being infertile or shooting blanks being called a jaffa etc. I'm married but its surprising the amount of friends(?) who think it's ok to comment slyly about such matters since I've gotten married

What the jaysis fook is a jaffa???

coathanger · 01-04-2021 10:08pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

What the jaysis fook is a jaffa???

Seedless ...

Stihl waters · 01-04-2021 10:28pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

What the jaysis fook is a jaffa???

Seedless orange

Homelander · 01-04-2021 10:58pm

Anyone else in that zone where they're just not sure? The problem for me as a guy is that being uncertain about having kids, in my mid 30's, makes it incredibly difficult to think about meeting someone.

There's plenty people who are resolute about not wanting kids, some open to it, but I've no idea where I fit in and it's making me hesitant. As a guy, I can change my mind at any time....women don't have that option past a certain point.

As of now, I feel zero urge and have never been a great kid person, but you never know.

Faith · 02-04-2021 8:14am

dobman88 wrote: »

Just recently my fiancee found out one of her friends at work has decided to never have kids and I could see the relief on her face as she was chatting on zoom. Her and her fella made the decision together.

It's becoming more normal thankfully

A few months before I left my last job, a colleague joined who was also childfree and my god did we bond instantly. Both same age and in long term relationships too, which helped, but I was bloody devastated to leave her behind when I moved back to Ireland. I’m part of a childfree meet-up group now, all online for the moment, in an effort to make more friends in the same boat because it’s lovely to have people on the same page in your life.

Wanderer78 · 02-04-2021 8:17am

Faith wrote:

Let's kick it off with one of the most obvious topics for discussion - why did you decide on a childfree life? And when?

Autistic, find relationships very difficult and painful, so childless, but to be honest, I don't think it's for me anyway, as I'm prone to elevated levels of anxiety and depression, I guess you could say it was chosen for me

Kopparberg Strawberry and Lime · 02-04-2021 8:20am

Wahey an entire forum !

They thread I started years ago wasn't so crazy after all ! I just checked it the other day to see the poll results and it's actually interesting but in line in what I was thinking !

Personally never had the desire or passion for kids of my own, hitting the end of my 20's now and still only starting to live a life and really can't see myself with a father title. The hope is to find a partner with the same mind frame, wherever she is ! Ha

AssaultedPeanut · 02-04-2021 9:51am

I've always felt like kids just weren't for me. Too much hard work, responsibility, financial drain and I just simply don't enjoy their company tbh.
I thought maybe it was because I'm a lesbian but many of my gay friends want/have kids. I've four sisters who are all over 30 as well, hetero and none have or want children either, which people often find odd I guess. Maybe it's genetic :pac: my two bros have children however so just the females.

The J Stands for Jay · 02-04-2021 10:00am

coathanger wrote: »

Seedless ...

That makes much more sense than where my mind was going *trying to remember everything that was on the Derry Girls blackboard*

anewme · 02-04-2021 10:08am

Dial Hard wrote: »

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

Jaysus.

Could have written this word for word.

R.D. aka MR.D · 02-04-2021 10:20am

For me, the moment i realised that it was optional I was like 'why on earth would you choose to have them?' But now that I'm over the age of 10, i understand why people want them but I know they aren't for me!

To be honest, for me it is about being able to make choices. I'm in my 30s now and what I notice about people who have had children from the time I was in secondary school right up until now when the friends having them are more well to do, you just close so many doors. There are things you just can't do any more (if you want to be a good parent). I think this is extra true for women.

I had a hard enough time growing up and I think a child should have parents who want it and love it. I would never bring a child into the world knowing they wouldn't have the best. To give them the best, I would have to give up my dreams and my ambitions and happiness. Why create a life just to end mine?

AMTE_21 · 02-04-2021 11:57am

I never wanted children either. Was married and said maybe some day, but didn’t really mean it. I grew up in a relatively poor family and saw my mother and father struggle to raise 4 of us. They never had a holiday. I was determined to start working and travel and experience things. My sister married young and had kids, her husband was an alcoholic and I saw her struggling and said no way is that going to be me. I didn’t particularly like kids anyway. When we were young all the girls loved “minding kids”. I had zero interest. I wanted to play football with the boys. I can’t relate to young children I prefer when they’re older and can have a proper conversation. Maybe it was just me and my family, but I never got any comments about it. One of my brothers has no children. I never regretted it. Also, the whole physical side! Yeuch.....

Nymeria · 02-04-2021 12:07pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I am where I am now at 39. There's been an awful lot of figuring stuff out and I just don't know if I have the space inside of me to be a mother.

I can definitely relate to this - I will be 37 this year and I'm still figuring out so much about who I am and what I want, and children have just never been in my plans. Also, I'm able to take risks that I wouldn't have done if I had children to think of. I'm completely changing careers into a more low paid, less secure position. Which is doable because I only have myself to support.

Years ago my sister (who always wanted kids and has two) was shocked when I told her I wouldn't be having any, and she said I might change my mind if I meet the perfect guy...I just remember thinking: if a guy I meet wanted kids then he wouldn't be the perfect guy for me.

Thankfully I have friends who are also childfree I haven't been left behind my friendship group. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for over ten years, they are very happy and settled together, but she has had so many questions about why they aren't married/ don't have kids over the years - he's never been asked

Anyway I found this from an old post I wrote on a similar thread several years ago -

I'm turning 30 this year and I'm pretty certain that I don't want children - have never felt the urge. I don't really have a 'reason' as such, just something I know in my heart...I suppose the same way that other people just know that they really want them. When I hear other women talking about being broody and stuff, I kind of smile and nod, but don't really understand it. I accept that it must be true for them, but in quite a detached way...like they are speaking a different language or something.

I still largely feel the same way, but I would say I'm more confident in my choice now, and feel less defensive and less like I have to justify it. Possibly because it's more talked about, and more accepted than before, or I'm just getting old

02-04-2021 1:02pm

cee_jay wrote: »

I have nieces and a nephew, 2 godchildren, and am very close with my best friends daughters (they call us their fraunt and fruncle - friend aunt/uncle), and I love them all.

I love that! I am very fond of and close to some of my friends' children so I may adopt your term!

Cherry Blossom · 02-04-2021 9:02pm

Like a few others on this thread I never made a decision to be child free. To me being child free is the default position. We are all born child free just as we are born single. I’ve never had an interest in being a parent just as I’ve never really had an interest in being in a relationship. I’ve had a few short term dalliances in my teens and twenties but it’s been well over 10 years now since I felt an attraction to a member of the opposite sex. I guess I naturally just don’t have the instincts to find a mate or procreate. Even as a child I had no interest in playing with dolls until I was about 11 when I got a Sindy I dressed up and sent to imaginary jobs and discos and other grown up things. Before that I was interested in bikes and matchbox cars and plastic farm animals. I’m 41 now and live alone with a dog. I’m happy out.

02-04-2021 11:06pm

Cherry Blossom wrote: »

Like a few others on this thread I never made a decision to be child free. To me being child free is the default position. We are all born child free just as we are born single. I’ve never had an interest in being a parent just as I’ve never really had an interest in being in a relationship. I’ve had a few short term dalliances in my teens and twenties but it’s been well over 10 years now since I felt an attraction to a member of the opposite sex. I guess I naturally just don’t have the instincts to find a mate or procreate. Even as a child I had no interest in playing with dolls until I was about 11 when I got a Sindy I dressed up and sent to imaginary jobs and discos and other grown up things. Before that I was interested in bikes and matchbox cars and plastic farm animals. I’m 41 now and live alone with a dog. I’m happy out.

Yes I would very much see it as a default position rather than an expectation of life. I tend to view all the so called life stages like that. There's no checklist or roadmap or x amount of achievements needed by x age for me.

magicbastarder · 03-04-2021 5:20am

Just never had the urge myself. I will say if I had met someone for whom it was important, I'd have been happy to recognise that, and become a dad, but my wife (we're married nine years, I'm in my mid 40s) never had the urge either.

r93kaey5p2izun · 03-04-2021 9:58pm

I don't know. It has always just been the default for me that I would not have children. Like, the thought that I *would* ever have them never actually entered my head. I never pictured a scenario where my life would involve children. To me having children just automatically seemed as implausible and unlikely as becoming an astronaut or a F1 driver, or other things that don't interest me and seem outside the realms of possibility.

I did used to like the idea of a family with children, and think it was just my circumstances that put me off having any. But actually, my thoughts of having children were only ever theoretical, like imagining a fictional scene with no bearing on reality - I never actually put myself into the theoretical family situation. So I have come to realise that actually, it has always just been a default of me not being a parent, regardless of circumstances.

weisses · 04-04-2021 8:40am

Knew my whole life i didn't want kids ... Got the snip in my early twenties ... Best decision ever

pinkypinky · 04-04-2021 12:00pm

Don't want to derail the thread so it might be better to split this off, but Weisses comment about getting the snip in their 20s...

I've known several women in their early 40s be refused (or maybe strongly persuaded) by doctors not to get tubes tied/have a hysterectomy when other medical reasons meant it was the right decision because it would take away fertility options. Or a milder example, being refused a prescription for the coil if they've never had kids.

Dial Hard · 04-04-2021 2:51pm

I'd be very surprised if that was in Ireland, and perhaps Weisses might confirm. My brother was refused a vasectomy in his 30s, with three children, on the grounds of "What if your wife dies and you remarry and your new wife wants children?"

Having read Peter Boylan's book it really is terrifying the level to which the Church was involved in reproductive medicine in this country up until *very* recently.

shesty · 04-04-2021 7:03pm

Well I am married with 3 kids and we are 100% finished. No question.Husband has had the snip, so have many men we know in a similar position to ours.It's easier for men to do because much as I actually would like to get my tubes tied and not have to rely on hormonal contraception or his procedure, the number of hoops I need to jump through to get them tied as a standalone procedure is ridiculous.Maternity hospitals generally don't offer them as a procedure and yes, it is partly because of that religious influence still there...it's a contraceptive procedure, so frowned upon by the hospital (in theory).They will do it as part of a C-Section if you have a couple of kids - probably since they are in there anyway, kind of thing.....
It is really wrong, the whole bloody thing.I don't see why I should have to explain several times over and justify it, that after 3 kids, I know I am finished.Surely if you regret the procedure down the line that is your problem as an individual, and not something the doctor needs to take responsibility for.

o1s1n · 05-04-2021 2:32am

Life is too short and you only get one chance at it.

I know having children can be extremely rewarding and maybe if humans lived 500 years I might give it a go at some point, but with just 70-80 years on earth and so much to do I think it's absolutely bonkers to limit yourself to that degree.

On top of that, it's also not a guarantee that you'll enjoy being a parent or that your children will even like you in the long run. Plenty of families break up / become estranged. Can't even imagine the horror of spending a quarter of my life raising someone fo that to potentially happen.

Plenty of people genuinely regret having children too, it's just such an absolute taboo it's never discussed and I'm sure a massively repressed feeling for most parents who feel that way.

No thanks, will stick with my two cats, dual income household and opulent child free lifestyle :pac:

nervous_twitch · 05-04-2021 7:13am

Dial Hard wrote: »

It wasn't a decision for me, it was completely innate. I've just known my entire life that I never wanted children.

I find that sometimes childfree by choice people can be a bit at pains to be all "I don't dislike kids, I just don't want my own!" but I'll be 100% honest here and say I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in being around children. I just don't find them particularly cute or interesting or engaging in any meaningful way. I love my nieces and nephews and have done plenty of minding of them over the years but given the option, I wouldn't choose to spend much of my time in the company of children.

Although I understand this completely, I think its important to acknowledge that you can be childfree and still love children. I have great craic with the kids I have in my life, they are hilarious and fascinating to me, but by god am I happy to be able to hand them back at the end of the day! It's the reality of the responsibility involved that I have absolutely zero interest in.

Wanderer78 · 05-04-2021 7:22am

nervous_twitch wrote:

Although I understand this completely, I think its important to acknowledge that you can be childfree and still love children. I have great craic with the kids I have in my life, they are hilarious and fascinating to me, but by god am I happy to be able to hand them back at the end of the day! It's the reality of the responsibility involved that I have absolutely zero interest in.

I'd have to completely agree, I find kids fascinating and actually inspirational a lot of the time, theyre actually probably the main reason that drives and motivates me in what I do in life, they're also extremely intelligent, and understand a great deal about the world, and a lot of time, far better than us adults

Rezident · 05-04-2021 9:14am

My partner is 31 and she never wanted kids and I am sure she never will want them which suits me perfectly, although if she had wanted them I am sure we would have had them so I'm not sure how important my view is on the matter. Compared with my wife (it takes years to get divorced in Ireland) being childfree makes every aspect of our relationship better. I am so lucky that I found someone who does not seem to think she needs kids and I enthusiastically demonstrate my gratitude to her every day. I will do everything in my power to hold on to this wonderful woman.

My wife wanted kids more than anything in life and I thought it would fix the problems in our relationship. Of course it can never do that, in fact it brought things to a head much sooner when she deserted the family home with our son and ran away from her maternity hospital at 8 months pregnant. If someone sufferers from serious mental health issues, pregnancy will not make things better.

I know more people, especially men, need to be much more careful about who we have kids with, instead of just bringing more fatherless children (increased probability of mental health problems, anti-social behaviour, criminality and suicide) into the world because we feel like we are 'in love' with a girl. I love my kids, I support my kids, but they now live on the far side of the country or wherever their mother moves to next and my wife's revolving boyfriend's have more 'rights' to them than I do.

I am so grateful for my girlfriend and for each woman that does not needlessly have children. Clearly not everyone having kids meets the high standards to be a good parent, look around the world today. Because if you are in a sexual relationship with a woman, and she wants kids, as a man, I don't know how we can resist that, I honestly don't. It feels like we don't stand a chance and then neither will the kids.

I am very interested in this thread and in my girlfriend's reasons for being childfree, she has never really told me why she doesn't want kids and I have never pushed it, but I am very grateful. She is getting extra kisses and cuddles today!

PmMeUrDogs · 05-04-2021 9:16am

I just never had that maternal urge. I absolutely love kids, and I dote on my siblings' children but it's never been something I saw for me.

That was compounded by illnesses diagnosed that are all hereditary or ay least have a genetic predisposition, I wouldn't ever put a child at risk of the conditions I have

Windmill100000 · 05-04-2021 10:08am

I told a friend in my late 20s that I didn't think I wanted children. She was visibly aghast at the thought and said I'd probably change my mind. I didn't think I would and am 49 this year with no children.

The urge never came and I have never regretted it. I've had two very different careers, have travelled the world and am with a partner who is 50 and never had children either.

I absolutely love my life and wouldn't change a thing. When younger I would be asked about children and I always gave a very defiant "no, that path is not for me" and was never questioned beyond that. I never cared about it being accepted or people thinking it strange.

I dont know anyone that was as conscientious as myself taking the pill all through my 20s and 30s. I got the implant in my 40s, which was life-changing.

So, in sum, no regrets, I don't feel I have missed out and I have a wide circle of close friends so have never felt lonely.

Wanderer78 · 05-04-2021 10:12am

here is a perfect example of emotional intelligence, as shown by these kids, us adults have a lot to learn from them!

Why did you decide to be childfree?

Comments