nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Jealous? Or reason for concern?

TheClubMan

So before Christmas, my partner and I returned home from abroad a month apart. When I returned home we moved in together. I noticed she had been in contact with an old f**k buddy via Snapchat for the month we were apart. As it was Christmas and she had family stuff going on, I felt it wasn't the right time to bring it up so I let it slide and haven't said anything about it as I knew she'd call me jealous and insecure as it was a touchy subject.

About a year ago I found out that this guy had arranged for them to meet up at a local car park the last time we visited home. I found this out by looking through her phone after a drunken night out. I confessed what I done and confronted her about the message I found. She said it was a message from years ago and denied it. It nearly broke us but I accepted her answer and moved on.

The move home has been especially tough for me as I'm living in her local city, hours from my friends/family and struggling to get a good job. She's been doing really well in her new job and is loving it and wants us to buy a house this year.

Recently though I've noticed she's been getting close to a male colleague at work and I've caught them exchanging flirtatious messages. She speaks highly of him to her friends and spends a lot of time with him at work. I haven't called her out on the texts yet.

More or less since we come home she has lost interest in having sex with me and knocks me back with exhaustion or not feeling well so we might just have sex once a week if even that. Admittedly I have a higher sex drive than her but my confidence takes a hit everytime and I think she may be developing feelings for this married man.

Am I just being a jealous boyfriend with trust/insecurity issues or do I have reason to be concerned? Is our relationship over and I'm just burying my head in the sand?

I know I should be opening up to her and telling her how I'm feeling. I am afraid if I do so that'll spark the end for us. I really want to make things work between us and I know we both love each other but maybe love just isn't always enough?

Any advice welcome.

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

sReq | uTeK

Firstly very sorry you've gone through this, especially after leaving what sounded like a good life for this woman.

Secondly,do NOT open a joint acc. It's quite simple give me my money, if she refuses I'd mention the great job she has and her lovers partner and how a simple email to work etc which I'm sure you could get can paint her in a very interesting light.

As for revenge, dont provide this women the means to tell friends and family that this was you for the duration of the relationship and she was terrified and moved home etc to escape.

Cheaters are great liars.

Yurt2

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Firstly very sorry you've gone through this, especially after leaving what sounded like a good life for this woman.

Secondly,do NOT open a joint acc. Its white simple give me my money, if she refuses I'd mention the great job she has and her lovers partner and how a simple email to work etc which I'm sure you could get can paint get in a very interesting light.

As for revenge, dont provide this women the means to tell friends and family that this was you for the duration of the relationship and she was terrified and moved home etc to escape.

Cheaters are great liars.

Good advice here. When you prick the bubble on a narcissist (not saying she is a narc, but cheating is on the narc spectrum), things can get nasty and the battle for the narrative begins.

Always keep calm, keep your voice low and measured. Do not do a single thing that could even be construed or repurposed as 'abusive'. Culture is not on your side if you act in the slightest way angry (you'll be labelled unhinged).

Best of luck with the next few steps OP.

YellowLead

I’d think a bit first before making that type of threat - ‘give me my money back or I’ll expose your affair’.
This could be reported to gardai as blackmail.
Might seem far fetched but clearly this woman is a liar capable or wrapping people around her finger. She could claim the money was a gift and now you are a scorned ex trying to blackmail an innocent woman.
You know her best and how likely that is to happen.

sReq | uTeK

YellowLead wrote: »

I’d think a bit first before making that type of threat - ‘give me my money back or I’ll expose your affair’.
This could be reported to gardai as blackmail.
Might seem far fetched but clearly this woman is a liar capable or wrapping people around her finger. She could claim the money was a gift and now you are a scorned ex trying to blackmail an innocent woman.
You know her best and how likely that is to happen.

Oh agreed. I'd ask for it back and state immediately. If refused I wouldn't provide a statement to the aforementioned but id drop a really big hint that work is but an email away as is the wife of your new lover but a stones throw away. It's very easy to insinuate your intended actions without ever stating them.

Jequ0n

Unless I completely misunderstood the OP he has no interest in opening a joint bank account but wants to use this as a ruse to get his money back. So not sure why everyone is freaking out about this now

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

sReq | uTeK, suggesting illegal activity such as blackmail is against the Terms of Use of this site. Please do not suggest the OP engage in anything illegal here.

Thanks

HS

TheClubMan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why would you open up a joint account with her if you are going to be separating within a couple of hours?

I think it would be easier to open up the joint account and get my money I'm owed that way without raising suspicion that I know she's cheating. When that's done we can just cancel the account. I don't think this would have any financial repercussions for me? I can't see myself politely asking her to send me the money after I've called her every name under the sun and her willing to send it...

B.A._Baracus

Do what you have to to get your money back.
Your father / brother / sister / whoever needs a loan asap. You'll be getting it back in two weeks blah blah. If she makes a stink about it you make a bigger stink about it as it's your money.

Lie. Get your money. Then break up.

TheClubMan

Still can't believe this is happening to me. Just feel numb and stupid about the whole thing. Haven't even shed a tear over her, I just feel so betrayed. I had to bite my tongue all day not to blurt anything out or give something away as I want to go out on my own terms. I haven't talked to any of my friends about it yet. I almost opened up to my mother about it today when I rang her but said I'd chat to her during the week. She suspects something is up anyway.

Herself was in the bed most of the day with a hangover. I was carrying on like I knew nothing. She didn't want to be around me unless I was gonna give her a massage. Needless to say I didn't want to touch the skank...

Jequ0n

TheClubMan wrote: »

Still can't believe this is happening to me. Just feel numb and stupid about the whole thing. I had to bite my tongue all day not to blurt anything out or give something away as I want to go out on my own terms. I haven't talked to any of my friends about it yet. I almost opened up to my mother about it today when I rang her but said I'd chat to her during the week. She suspects something is up anyway.

Herself was in the bed most of the day with a hangover. I was carrying on like I knew nothing. She didn't want to be around me unless I was gonna give her a massage. Needless to say I didn't want to touch the skank...

If I were you I’d make her believe that someone had told me about her antics just to see her try to wiggle out of it. That takes you having taken screenshots for granted, just so you can “kill her off” with those.

I am sorry if I misunderstood earlier but do not open a joint bank account. If this goes down south it will send the wrong message to everyone.

In general : I do admire your self control

jmlad2020

OP I respect you a lot, your self control and you seem like a genuinely nice guy. You deserve so much better. I wish you all the best. Karma is on your side don't worry. Maybe she has lost attraction for you lately and maybe that is something you need to work on in future relationships. Being the best version of yourself.

In my opinion the work colleagues wife needs to find out about all this. ****ty behaviour cannot be tolerated and people must learn the hard way, your girlfriend included. She needs to learn she can't mess nice people around like this. She will come crawling back eventually. You will have moved on by this stage. She will suffer then.

Goodluck. Looking forward to future updates.

Yurt2

jmlad2020 wrote: »

OP I respect you a lot, your self control and you seem like a genuinely nice guy. You deserve so much better. I wish you all the best. Karma is on your side don't worry. Maybe she has lost attraction for you lately and maybe that is something you need to work on in future relationships. Being the best version of yourself.

In my opinion the work colleagues wife needs to find out about all this. ****ty behaviour cannot be tolerated and people must learn the hard way, your girlfriend included. She needs to learn she can't mess nice people around like this. She will come crawling back eventually. You will have moved on by this stage. She will suffer then.

Goodluck. Looking forward to future updates.

I agree with your post except the bolded. Cheaters cheat because they smell an 'upgrade', excitement and validation -- and in this case a married man so she proves to herself she can bag any man, marriage or no. It's a power game.

I hope this doesn't sound too sexist, but it's something I've observed several times in my life. When females move into a new social setting: new career, new college course, new team at work; I've often see them have infidelity brain-farts as they use their sexuality to settle in and ensure they're top of the pecking order. Men do this to an extent I'm sure, but I've seen many of my friends burned to a crisp by their partners as they quickly fall into the orbit of the professor in their new master's program (that they're financially helping with) / team leader at new job etc. This is why everyone (males and females) needs to vet their partners for values, and not just because they're hot/charming / talented etc.

The OP should in no way blame himself or think that he made her cheat or contributed towards the cheating.

Dtp1979

TheClubMan wrote: »

Still can't believe this is happening to me. Just feel numb and stupid about the whole thing. Haven't even shed a tear over her, I just feel so betrayed. I had to bite my tongue all day not to blurt anything out or give something away as I want to go out on my own terms. I haven't talked to any of my friends about it yet. I almost opened up to my mother about it today when I rang her but said I'd chat to her during the week. She suspects something is up anyway.

Herself was in the bed most of the day with a hangover. I was carrying on like I knew nothing. She didn't want to be around me unless I was gonna give her a massage. Needless to say I didn't want to touch the skank...

Don’t forget to cut a hole in the arse of all her favourite jeans. And maybe lose 1 of her favourite shoes

Jequ0n

Yurt! wrote: »

I agree with your post except the bolded. Cheaters cheat because they smell an 'upgrade', excitement and validation -- and in this case a married man so she proves to herself she can bag any man, marriage or no. It's a power game.

I hope this doesn't sound too sexist, but it's something I've observed several times in my life. When females move into a new social setting: new career, new college course, new team at work; I've often see them have infidelity brain-farts as they use their sexuality to settle in and ensure they're top of the pecking order. Men do this to an extent I'm sure, but I've seen many of my friends burned to a crisp by their partners as they quickly fall into the orbit of the professor in their new master's program (that they're financially helping with) / team leader at new job etc. This is why everyone (males and females) needs to vet their partners for values, and not just because they're hot/charming / talented etc.

The OP should in no way blame himself or think that he made her cheat or contributed towards the cheating.

Yes but hardly any of them have long term vision and think anything through, which is a blessing. She left a trail of tracable evidence which happens if you are too sure of yourself. The only good thing in this situation though

bilbot79

You really really need to talk to her. Despite fearing it will spark the end, if the relationship has solid ground beneath it you'll weather the storm. You can't go on thinking all this stuff, biting your lip and fighting with yourself over whether she's cheating or not.

If you have a future you'll survive the conversation, if not the inevitable will happen sooner and that's better cos time waits for no man

Yurt2

Jequ0n wrote: »

Yes but hardly any of them have long term vision and think anything through, which is a blessing. She left a trail of tracable evidence which happens if you are too sure of yourself. The only good thing in this situation though

Does anyone really successfully disguise cheating? It always comes out, in 100% of cases I'd argue. It's a delusion to think partners can't smell it a mile off.

"Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid"

Yurt2

bilbot79 wrote: »

You really really need to talk to her. Despite fearing it will spark the end, if the relationship has solid ground beneath it you'll weather the storm. You can't go on thinking all this stuff, biting your lip and fighting with yourself over whether she's cheating or not.

If you have a future you'll survive the conversation, if not the inevitable will happen sooner and that's better cos time waits for no man

From the sounds of the OP, it's not salvageable. If I was in a relationship with someone who was doing the dirty on me with a married man: instant P45 and I'd have a post-it note with a good therapist's number on it.

Up to the OP of course, but only a masochist would try to pull this out of the fire IMO.

Jequ0n

Yurt! wrote: »

Does anyone really successfully disguise cheating? It always comes out, in 100% of cases I'd argue. It's a delusion to think partners can't smell it a mile off.

"Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid"

Of course you can pull it off, but only if the victim is unaware or unwilling to accept it. The OP has realised it and just wants to get out with as little drama as possible.

Which is admirable because I’d probably burn down the house

jmlad2020

bilbot79 wrote: »

You really really need to talk to her. Despite fearing it will spark the end, if the relationship has solid ground beneath it you'll weather the storm. You can't go on thinking all this stuff, biting your lip and fighting with yourself over whether she's cheating or not.

If you have a future you'll survive the conversation, if not the inevitable will happen sooner and that's better cos time waits for no man

Any self respecting man would never take her back surely. This wasn't an accident. I don't know them personally but it sounds like their relationship is destined to fail. Sounds like she has already emotionally bowed out as women do months before finally ending it on their terms.

TheClubMan

Yurt! wrote: »

From the sounds of the OP, it's not salvageable. If I was in a relationship with someone who was doing the dirty on me with a married man: instant P45

Damn right! It's a million miles beyond salvageable. She's getting that P45 next week and I'll take great pleasure in giving it to her. She always said she thought I'd take our break up worse if it ever happened when we joked about it before. I think she'll be proven wrong.

[Deleted User]

TheClubMan wrote: »

Still can't believe this is happening to me. Just feel numb and stupid about the whole thing. Haven't even shed a tear over her, I just feel so betrayed. I had to bite my tongue all day not to blurt anything out or give something away as I want to go out on my own terms. I haven't talked to any of my friends about it yet. I almost opened up to my mother about it today when I rang her but said I'd chat to her during the week. She suspects something is up anyway.

Herself was in the bed most of the day with a hangover. I was carrying on like I knew nothing. She didn't want to be around me unless I was gonna give her a massage. Needless to say I didn't want to touch the skank...

Don’t have much to add, except to say I feel really awful for you and wish you well extricating yourself from this situation.

I think you’re handling it correctly. Do what you can to retrieve your money this coming work week. Perhaps seek legal advice discreetly if you hit any obstacles. Dispose of some of your superfluous belongings during the week and move out when you know that you will have the place to yourself later in the week.

Personally, I’d just send her the screenshots of the incriminating messages and then delete and block on WhatsApp and all social media. Don’t get into a screaming match with her, calling her every name under the sun. She’ll just use it against you to frame her own, skewed narrative.

As for the cheater’s wife, I’m really not sure what to say. On one hand, I have sympathy for the poor woman. Is it your responsibility to enlighten her though? She’s not a friend or even an acquaintance. I’m inclined to suggest just walking away from the entire toxic situation and let it blow up in all their faces.

The next six months will be tough, but you’ll get through it and find somebody far better, with genuine integrity and values in future. I also suggest taking up running, boxing or some sort of strenuous exercise. It will help you release some frustration and get the endorphins pumping during a difficult time.

bilbot79

Yurt! wrote: »

From the sounds of the OP, it's not salvageable. If I was in a relationship with someone who was doing the dirty on me with a married man: instant P45 and I'd have a post-it note with a good therapist's number on it.

Up to the OP of course, but only a masochist would try to pull this out of the fire IMO.

It's so easy to be absolutist with other people's problems

Jequ0n

bilbot79 wrote: »

It's so easy to be absolutist with other people's problems

And equally easy to be dismissive
And I am usually the first to play
that dick move

Yurt2

bilbot79 wrote: »

It's so easy to be absolutist with other people's problems

I'm not sure what this means.

There's no way to dress this carbuncle up nicely. The OP's partner is cheating on him with a married man after him moving across the world for her career. It's curtains - you can't Dr. Phil behaviour like this away.

Anyone advising him to go to the well to rescue this is lining him up for more hurt.

TheadoreT

TheClubMan wrote: »

Damn right! It's a million miles beyond salvageable. She's getting that P45 next week and I'll take great pleasure in giving it to her. She always said she thought I'd take our break up worse if it ever happened when we joked about it before. I think she'll be proven wrong.

I think she's probably right in that you're still very much in love and she clearly isn't considering what she's done. Maybe she never was but that was an odd thing for her to say to you anyway.

This anger stage is very much acceptable and fine right now but you'll have to let that subside before long and just let yourself be sad for a while. We've seen clear examples of threads in here where people carry anger and bitterness on for months even years when the cheater has long since moved on with their lives.

Learn your lessons from this and move forward with courage and compassion.

Dtp1979

Get your money that’s yours away from her. Also, if you’re living together make sure you get your possessions away before you tell her to F off.

TheClubMan

I'm still contemplating about whether or not I'll tell her work.

I think it might be justified in the sense that I have sacraficed so much for her and left a great life behind which I can't go back to for the foreseeable. I've now to leave independent living behind to move back in with my parents with no job and financial losses from this move with her and other related expenses. I don't feel breaking up with her will be punishment enough. She can carry on living her perfect little life with her great job and probably continue to see this dickhead without the wife knowing. It doesn't seem right in my eyes and maybe she needs to be thought a lesson as it's not her first time.

Would it reflect badly on me? I don't even know if her workplace would take any action. Surely there's grounds for a gross misconduct dismissal as trust has been broken with the employer?

juno10353

TheClubMan wrote: »

I'm still contemplating about whether or not I'll tell her work.

I think it might be justified in the sense that I have sacraficed so much for her and left a great life behind which I can't go back to for the foreseeable. I've now to leave independent living behind to move back in with my parents with no job and financial losses from this move with her and other related expenses. I don't feel breaking up with her will be punishment enough. ?

The important thing is for you to get your money. Then just leave. Send her the screen shots. Dont explain further, she doesn't deserve chance to try defending her actions, there is no defence. Dont be vengeful, it will only create more drama. Knowing you have the screenshots will be enough to keep her worried and wondering what you might do.

[Deleted User]

TheClubMan wrote: »

Would it reflect badly on me? I don't even know if her workplace would take any action. Surely there's grounds for a gross misconduct dismissal as trust has been broken with the employer?

Don’t go there. To be frank, her colleagues don’t sound like they have too much integrity given their blatant flouting of Covid restrictions and tacit support for her awful behavior. You’ll likely be depicted as a crazy, with your girlfriend having the good fortune to get away from you. Another good reason not to do this is that Ireland is a small country. You never know when you might encounter these people again.

Just retrieve you money, send her the screenshots, and move on from the whole sorry mess. The best revenge is living well. You’ll find someone better and your career will start motoring again. Few years from now, you’ll look back at this knowing that you had a lucky escape and that you handled the situation with restraint and dignity. Do not stoop to her level.

Dave0301

1. Get your money
2. Break up with her by showing her your proof/explaining why
3. Walk away with your money and your dignity

Going nuclear on her, her work and telling the guy's wife might seem satisfying in the short term, but it only adds fuel to the fire and won't make you feel better in the long term.

Also, it gives her (a lying cheat) a narrative that she can try and spin to her advantage.

Take the high road.