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Jealous? Or reason for concern?

TheClubMan

So before Christmas, my partner and I returned home from abroad a month apart. When I returned home we moved in together. I noticed she had been in contact with an old f**k buddy via Snapchat for the month we were apart. As it was Christmas and she had family stuff going on, I felt it wasn't the right time to bring it up so I let it slide and haven't said anything about it as I knew she'd call me jealous and insecure as it was a touchy subject.

About a year ago I found out that this guy had arranged for them to meet up at a local car park the last time we visited home. I found this out by looking through her phone after a drunken night out. I confessed what I done and confronted her about the message I found. She said it was a message from years ago and denied it. It nearly broke us but I accepted her answer and moved on.

The move home has been especially tough for me as I'm living in her local city, hours from my friends/family and struggling to get a good job. She's been doing really well in her new job and is loving it and wants us to buy a house this year.

Recently though I've noticed she's been getting close to a male colleague at work and I've caught them exchanging flirtatious messages. She speaks highly of him to her friends and spends a lot of time with him at work. I haven't called her out on the texts yet.

More or less since we come home she has lost interest in having sex with me and knocks me back with exhaustion or not feeling well so we might just have sex once a week if even that. Admittedly I have a higher sex drive than her but my confidence takes a hit everytime and I think she may be developing feelings for this married man.

Am I just being a jealous boyfriend with trust/insecurity issues or do I have reason to be concerned? Is our relationship over and I'm just burying my head in the sand?

I know I should be opening up to her and telling her how I'm feeling. I am afraid if I do so that'll spark the end for us. I really want to make things work between us and I know we both love each other but maybe love just isn't always enough?

Any advice welcome.

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km991148

There's no telling what someone might do if their backs are against the wall. I can see why people recommend the sneaky join account approach. Might be better that threats and ultimatums about telling others.
Equally maybe the person will do the right thing(although I personally have my doubts based on what has been told so far..).

Horrible situation all round.

TheadoreT

I'm sure she wouldn't want certain elements of this getting out. If she's being difficult re returning the funds its probably a good time to start using threats as leverage. Not ideal but she's the one at fault here so your sympathy must be at a minimum and getting the money back is the only goal here.

If she returns the money just move on. Dont show any emotion around her, act like you're above it all and just say her actions are very far from your expectations from a partner. Maybe start swiping tinder around her

The married man will unlikely leave his wife even if the truth is outed, don't get involved with that. This will all end in tears for your girlfriend.

YellowLead

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why would you open up a joint account with her if you are going to be separating within a couple of hours?

Tell her you are ending the relationship. Tell her to transfer your money back to your account. Watch her as she logs into her bank and transfers it. If she doesn't have it she won't have it on Tuesday. If she has it she should have no problem logging in and transferring it.

Don't make this complicated. Don't make it more difficult than it needs to be. Tell the wife or don't, but don't expect to get the response you are hoping for.

The problem with the simply asking for the funds back is she might just refuse to transfer it.

OP you can’t force her unfortunately. I don’t normally advocate tricks and subterfuge - but there is a high risk of this woman deciding to keep your half too, and nothing you can do legally to get it out of her account, you’ll be relying on her good will, which by all accounts may be non existent.

[Deleted User]

I think you have to be smart about this. She doesn't sound all that trustworthy. If you have a fall out there is a danger she will decide to hold on to the money.

Play happy families till the money is somewhere where you can withdraw your share.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would you open up a joint account with her if you are going to be separating within a couple of hours?

Tell her you are ending the relationship. Tell her to transfer your money back to your account. Watch her as she logs into her bank and transfers it. If she doesn't have it she won't have it on Tuesday. If she has it she should have no problem logging in and transferring it.

Don't make this complicated. Don't make it more difficult than it needs to be. Tell the wife or don't, but don't expect to get the response you are hoping for.

TheClubMan

YellowLead wrote: »

Yikes OP....I hope your money is safe and not spent already by her!!!

I'm going to bring up the whole house buying thing today/tomorrow and suggest we go to the bank on Tuesday maybe and open up a joint bank account as we had discussed already. Then I'll withdraw what I'm owed from that account on Friday after the money has been transferred.

I finish work early on Friday so I'll be home before her and packed up before she gets home. We'll discuss what needs to be discussed and I'll head home to get on with my life. I think I'm going to let the husbands wife know he's cheating on her as she doesn't deserve to be treated with such disrespect either. I do have evidence of the messages exchanged but at the same time I don't want to stoop to her level either.

The poor thing is in the bed this morning with a hangover from her gins last night. God love her...

YellowLead

killbillvol2 wrote: »

I read the full thread. As the OP admitted, it was poorly explained.

I’m sorry - it wasn’t directed at you specifically though of course it sounded like it was!

killbillvol2

YellowLead wrote: »

I think some people just don’t bother reading through full threads before popping in their two cents

I read the full thread. As the OP admitted, it was poorly explained.

Hannibal_Smith

Why not just tell her what you know and ask her for your share of the deposit and tell her you're ending the relationship? Presumably you have statements from your account showing who input what before it was transferred to her.

killbillvol2

Your only priority immediately is to get your money. When you have your money you can either walk away quietly or run amok destroying her reputation at work and with her family. By the time you get the money organised you'll be thinking more clearly and you'll know which way to go.

YellowLead

TheClubMan wrote: »

BINGO! I mustn't have explained that well in my previous posts. We're both Irish and we moved back to her locality from Australia in November/December.

I think some people just don’t bother reading through full threads before popping in their two cents

TheClubMan

YellowLead wrote: »

It does to me. He’s Irish. Sounds like he moved to Australia or Canada or wherever and was enjoying life over there but moved ‘home’ to Ireland because that is what cheatymccheats wanted.

Correct. I mustn't have explained that well in my previous posts as I haven't used one of these forums before for this kind of thing and want to remain anonymous. We're both Irish and we moved back to her locality from Australia in November/December.

Any advice on how to sort this out this mess I'm in instead of trying to pick holes in my story would be much appreciated folks.

2012paddy2012

*mod snip. No need to quote entire OP. It makes threads difficult to navigate for mobile users*

Imagine your married and this will be the same - expensive and stressful to get out - move on - sounds awful -

YellowLead

TheClubMan wrote: »

We saved the deposit while working abroad 50:50. She came home a month before me in November and just transferred the money into her account for handiness sake. We intended on setting up a joint bank account but haven't got around to it yet. She used some of that money to put towards the deposit for her flashy car. She says she has that money saved up again now. I do have a job but it's a dead end job with a low income as I can't get work in my industry due to Covid. Hope that clears that up for ya...

Yikes OP....I hope your money is safe and not spent already by her!!!

YellowLead

killbillvol2 wrote: »

This thread doesn't add up. How do you live on the other side of the world and yet go home for the weekend?

It does to me. He’s Irish. Sounds like he moved to Australia or Canada or wherever and was enjoying life over there but moved ‘home’ to Ireland because that is what cheatymccheats wanted.

TheClubMan

TheadoreT wrote: »

You said initially she's the only one who has a job with a high enough salary to save for the deposit and now you're saying she has your half of the deposit. Which is it?

We saved the deposit while working abroad 50:50. She came home a month before me and just transferred the money into her account for handiness sake. We intended on setting up a joint bank account but haven't got around to it yet. She says she has that money saved up again now. I do have a job but it's a dead end job with a low income as I can't get work in my industry due to Covid. Hope that clears that up for ya...

lenan

If you have a bank account now, play nice and tell her to transfer the money over, if she says why, just say I need to have savings in my name as "john" at work was saying the bank will need proof that its not just your money. Or just casually say either that or we'll open a joint account, we'll do it this week, pick the day. Hopefully you'll get access to it

I think you may need to get legal advice on how to get your money back. I think it might be more difficult than you think. Get that sorted first.

Please don't just settle no one deserves it. If it means walking away from the money it will be worth it.

killbillvol2

This thread doesn't add up. How do you live on the other side of the world and yet go home for the weekend?

pwurple

Have we shifted back in time to 2019?
For a start OP, protect yourself from COVID. The amount of close contact stories here is bananas.

km991148

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Dont do anything till you get that money back.

Haven't read everything but sounds like you need that to happen. Easy enough hopefully to start talking about getting the bank accounts in order to make things squeeky clean for mortgage approval letter in the year.

Lots of talk about you getting a better pad job and start that joint savings account application right away (today or tomorrow).
Sorry if that constitutes 'revenge' tactics.. maybe the finance side should be moved to another forum?

Good luck op, there are tough times ahead but better times will surely follow.

[Deleted User]

TheClubMan wrote: »

I literally moved my whole life from one side of the world to the other for her and she goes and treats me like this? I'm not just going to walk away.

I'll be letting her boss and his wife know about their antics for a start. It's up to them what they do with the information.

She has my half of our deposit for a mortgage in her account as we haven't set up a joint bank account yet so I need to get that money off her.

It's my birthday next week too so I'm obviously going to hold out for the stingy presents she got me.

I may start writing out a list...

Dont do anything till you get that money back.

It wont take much for her to convince herself its OK to keep that money.

TheClubMan

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

OP, Personal Issues is for posters looking for constructive advice on how to deal with an issue. If you want advice on how to get revenge on your partner that is absolutely not in keeping with the spirit of the forum.

If it is advice you want on how to move on - we can keep the thread open. If it is revenge tactics - the thread will be closed.

Thanks

HS

I've calmed down a bit now. I was just angry this morning when I found out and I'm open to advice on moving on.

NewMan1982

Hasn’t read the whole thread.
Your priority is getting your money back. Get that and then either walk away or get revenge.
I don’t see the harm in telling the wife or workplace as I’m sure you will be moving back home now and away from the fallout.

NewMan1982

In situations like this it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong, it’s about compatibility.

Some people are cool with their partner texting other men/women and exes and some people aren’t cool with that at all.

I’m not cool with it and it became a big problem in my last relationship as I tried to be cool with it but just couldn’t do it.

Sometimes you just need to accept some differences aren’t reconcilable despite all the other good side.

YellowLead

OP I think the best revenge of all is walking away with your head held high.

Honestly, otherwise you are creating more drama which this girl no doubt will relish and use against you. It will madden her if you just walk away like you don’t give a ****. Such a shame you have money tied up in her account. Clearly get that sorted before making any move or you may never see it again. The kind of woman who behaves like she does will have no qualms about hanging on to your money.

And don’t worry about ‘wasted years’ - unless you are a pensioner there’s plenty of time to meet somebody else and do the whole marriage kids thing. Most people aren’t dicks - you just got unlucky. There may have been red flags missed along the way because you wanted a partner so much and were blinded by love?

Katgurl

Oh no I missed the last update. Op I'm so sorry. She is a despicable person and this is all on her. Don't for one second let this change how you feel about yourself.

What's the story with the finances? You need to get that back somehow before you tell her you know. Get advice here.

Once you have the money back I'd be off like a shot, I wouldn't bother with any explanations or hanging around for revenge, I'd just let her come back to an empty flat.

But I would 100% blow the whistle on their affair. Send screenshots of the conversations from an anonymous account to her, him and his wife. Let her sort the mess out.

Katgurl

Roboot21 wrote: »

It’s well known that when people go away on their own or as part of a group for a long or short period of time, should it be a weekend hen/stag party, for work purposes etc, the chances are that they will meet someone and have a fling with them. There’s always a “what happens on the mile stays on the mile” type of understanding. So I would say to you, don’t be worrying about it. Maybe if you were away for a month also, you might get up to something you wouldn’t want your partner to know about. If she does admit that something’s going on, listen to what she has to say and don’t be too harsh on her. She’s only human like the rest of us.

It depends what sort of people you choose to spend your time with. I have a big circle of very outgoing friends. We've had many many trips away over the years, lots of wild nights etc. What you've described is not the case at all and we would be pretty disgusted and totally intolerant of it.

Goodigal

Don't stoop to her level. Show her what you've found, sort the finances out and tell her you're leaving. Don't engage with the guy or his wife. Leave her to that mess. You're going to feel every emotion under the sun in the next few weeks. So get yourself ready for that. Esp the thoughts of your partner making a fool of you while with other people. That's the part I found so very hard to deal with. Good luck moving away from her and getting on with your new life.

derb12

I’ve just read through the whole thread there for the first time right through to it inevitable gut punch conclusion from the early hours of last night.
Some people are just so mean self-centred and manipulative it is just hard to believe ... but make sure you understand that this is her flaw and you’ve done nothing wrong. She will live her life always needing to exploit those around her to fill her empty cavernous soul and let her at it.
If it was me I’d want to make sure that her circle and family knew what happened but they mightn’t believe you anyway and as another poster said maybe that’s my character flaw.
Advice: get screenshots/evidence just in case. Get some advice about getting your deposit back. If she suspects that you’re going to dump her she may well spend/move it.
You sound like a great guy - she doesn’t deserve you.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, Personal Issues is for posters looking for constructive advice on how to deal with an issue. If you want advice on how to get revenge on your partner that is absolutely not in keeping with the spirit of the forum.

If it is advice you want on how to move on - we can keep the thread open. If it is revenge tactics - the thread will be closed.

Thanks

HS