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Jealous? Or reason for concern?

TheClubMan

So before Christmas, my partner and I returned home from abroad a month apart. When I returned home we moved in together. I noticed she had been in contact with an old f**k buddy via Snapchat for the month we were apart. As it was Christmas and she had family stuff going on, I felt it wasn't the right time to bring it up so I let it slide and haven't said anything about it as I knew she'd call me jealous and insecure as it was a touchy subject.

About a year ago I found out that this guy had arranged for them to meet up at a local car park the last time we visited home. I found this out by looking through her phone after a drunken night out. I confessed what I done and confronted her about the message I found. She said it was a message from years ago and denied it. It nearly broke us but I accepted her answer and moved on.

The move home has been especially tough for me as I'm living in her local city, hours from my friends/family and struggling to get a good job. She's been doing really well in her new job and is loving it and wants us to buy a house this year.

Recently though I've noticed she's been getting close to a male colleague at work and I've caught them exchanging flirtatious messages. She speaks highly of him to her friends and spends a lot of time with him at work. I haven't called her out on the texts yet.

More or less since we come home she has lost interest in having sex with me and knocks me back with exhaustion or not feeling well so we might just have sex once a week if even that. Admittedly I have a higher sex drive than her but my confidence takes a hit everytime and I think she may be developing feelings for this married man.

Am I just being a jealous boyfriend with trust/insecurity issues or do I have reason to be concerned? Is our relationship over and I'm just burying my head in the sand?

I know I should be opening up to her and telling her how I'm feeling. I am afraid if I do so that'll spark the end for us. I really want to make things work between us and I know we both love each other but maybe love just isn't always enough?

Any advice welcome.

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TheClubMan

ulster wrote: »

It's not going to work. You have to split up with her.

It would be easier to walk away if she just admitted she cheated on me or doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. The fact I know what she's doing behind my back but yet says she loves me everyday makes it more difficult. I know I should have more respect for myself and find the courage to just end it.

Tork

It's very easy to say "I love you". They're just words that hold more weight for some people than for others. To her, it might be little more meaningful than "I'll buy a litre of milk on the way home". The thing about cheaters is that they admit to as little as they possibly can. In this woman's case, she knows she's pushing an open door. If it is as obvious to her as it is to us that you really don't want to be single again, she doesn't need to say much to keep you onside. It's up to you what you do from here but I think this is going to eat you up if you stay with her. Certainly, don't go down the road of having kids or buying houses until this gets sorted.

LegacyUser

It’s well known that when people go away on their own or as part of a group for a long or short period of time, should it be a weekend hen/stag party, for work purposes etc, the chances are that they will meet someone and have a fling with them. There’s always a “what happens on the mile stays on the mile” type of understanding. So I would say to you, don’t be worrying about it. Maybe if you were away for a month also, you might get up to something you wouldn’t want your partner to know about. If she does admit that something’s going on, listen to what she has to say and don’t be too harsh on her. She’s only human like the rest of us.

TheadoreT

If she's meeting someone at a local car park in the past to hook up i wouldn't say her sex drive is low. Whatever about whether or not she's cheated on you it sounds like there isn't a great deal of passion in your relationship now and it leaves you frustrated more often than not. From all accounts this never returns and only gets worse so you really have to consider if this is what you want for your future.

B.A._Baracus

TheClubMan wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post. Just what you want to reply to.</Snip>

I don't think right now is a time to have that conversation as she is stressed with family problems at home and needs my support. I don't want to cause her more problems but know at the same time the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be.

I can only be frank on this one... F**k her and f**k her support.
Stop being the nice guy ClubMan. It won't get you anywhere with a cheater.
Start thinking about yourself. She is.

Augme

TheClubMan wrote: »

She really is a great girl, with strong family values, career driven and outgoing.

She really isn't a great girl. At all.

TheadoreT

Did you ever really challenge her about that car park text from "years ago"? I mean obviously these things work in chronological order and if it was years ago it would have been buried very deep given as you said she's very social so would assume plenty of contacts. The fact you easily saw it would suggest it was more recent and higher up the pile? Does your not wanting to believe this stop you from thinking logically about it?

She may like you for certain aspects of your personality but isn't sexually satisfied in the relationship, she's seeking that elsewhere.

You say your life is better than it ever was before her but giving how the current dynamic is waring down on your self respect I find that difficult to believe at this point. You're so in love with her you're stopping yourself asking the difficult questions and seem a little blind to the realities.

Zebrag

Hi OP

I read a previous posters comment and I echo when they say that many times on these types of thread, the majority of the comments are "leave now", "walk away" and so on.

Usually I would follow this advice as I firmly believe that holding onto something with a constant urge to fight and question in a relationship isn't healthy at all. That being said, I've read your post and responses and I find it hard to sit and tell you to walk away but I find it hard to believe that this relationship is as steady as it seems too. You've stated that she is in a new job and is happy. I presume you're not working yourself? Would it be the boredum creeping on that's making things seem worst?

Throwing the boredum to the side and the physicallities that are there with her texting exs and glowing about a friend, lack of sex and communication I would assume, I think it's more so the case that, your girlfriend is forming an outside life for herself which is absolutely fine and sees you at home and unfortunately that's not your own fault and I'm sure you're trying your hardest to give her the future that she wants. I'm not saying either behaviour is bad and nasty and I'm not saying either should give up and walk away. There's a collision there and I think the two of you need to sit down and say exactly how you're feeling. Not what you want in the future but how you're feeling in this presence moment.

You might learn something from your girlfriend and she could learn something from you and bring you together or you could find that her opinion and feelings and your opinions and feelings are not mixing together. The going through her phone might not be in a huge favour and she could potentially hold a grudge for this along with you holding a grudge against texting an ex and glowing about friends.....

Communication goes a lot further than you think and to sit down and talk. I've said this to another poster before, no screaming or shouting. Open that bottle of wine, make a meal and just talk. Say how you both feel and discuss all you both need and want from the relationship. Your answer will be there whether you want to continue or whether you want to end it. All sacrifices have been made for this relationship and I understand that you've moved with your girlfriend so she could work in an area she loves but she needs to understand as well that although she's happy, you're not. You both need to understand that a relationship can only develop further if two people are willing to communicate and help along the way.

It's hard and I'm sure the boredum of sitting around doesn't exactly help either. I'm not working myself and waiting to go back to work and my partner is working and glowing about his job and friends and its tough on the best of days but talking and listening to each other and even trying different things each day or week can bring you closer.

Good luck OP

ILoveYourVibes

OP never make someone your world then you have to fight to keep them as if they leave your world falls apart.

I would say there is reason for concern. You seem overly forgiving yet not TRULY forgiving its eating at you. Its not like you said ok she did this ..im going to forgive her. You are letting it eat at you and leaving it in a grey area because i think if you knew the truth in your heart you know you couldn't forgive her.

Listen talk to her about it. Its not a real relationship unless you face reality.

See what happens. Tell her you are not ok with this.

Then if she tells the truth you can decide whether to forgive her and try again ..or forgive her and move on. But this in between thing ..it sounds like hell and only you can open the door to get out. Its also a way of prolonging the delusion of her and the relationship that you have. That is NOT healthy ...

If you were to LEAVE her ..then you could truly forgive her. And move on. But this ...in between stage ...its not letting you do anything positive its not even letting you grow in other ways and issues you have expressed you need help with etc.

[Deleted User]

TheClubMan wrote: »

. I know I need to talk to her about it but it's going to be a difficult conversation to have and I'm afraid of what the outcome will be.

I don't envy you but you need to find out whats what now.

If you think you are in a bind now, wait till you marry the wrong woman, buy a house and have kids AND then find out it was a mistake as she was cheating and end up divorced and broke.

TheClubMan

TheadoreT wrote: »

Did you ever really challenge her about that car park text from "years ago"?

No I didn't tbh. As soon as I brought it up back then, we argued for a while, she turned it back on me looking at her phone and I just rolled over as she shut down my questioning.

Last night I brought him up in conversation. She just got defensive and said I could look through her phone if I want and that if I don't trust her there's no point in us being together! She said they are just friends and haven't been together in years!

I just dropped it as we are staying at her parents house this weekend to help them with a few jobs so it wasn't the place to talk/argue about it.

Before bed she said off the cuff that I was annoying her and suffocate her even though she asked me to come down this weekend and help. She quickly apologised saying it was a joke and didn't mean it because she's tired and on her period.

Everything's hunky dory this morning. We had breakfast with her parent's and we're going out to do the groceries shortly...

During the week I overheard her chatting to her friend about work etc. and when mentioning me she said that she felt 'stuck' as she wants to buy a house this year but she's the only one that can save atm because my current wage in the job I'm working doesn't allow me to do that. She feels I'm not really the same since I came home. She said she feels she does most of the cleaning and cooking which definitely isn't true! Just because last week's big clean is still fresh in her mind because her workmates were coming over and it's all she did last weekend because I was home!

Last weekend I went home to visit my parents. She ignored my call last Friday night claiming she had a long day at work and was going to bed. We sent a texts back and fourth and said Goodnight. She was still online for another two hours. My suspicion is she was texting the married man in work that night as well as perhaps her friends. Obviously I don't know for certain but that's the way I'm going to feel after I seen them sending flirty texts before. She did the same on Saturday night but called me during the day. I'd say she was glad to have the house to herself last weekend as she has remarked on occasion.

Last Friday this married colleague was in our house for lunch, as well as another male colleague and her female colleague who's birthday it was. They had a training day last week and had two hours interval between training and their shift so she decided to invite them to our house for lunch/cake as it was her female colleagues birthday. She they had great craic playing a board game I had gotten us to play valentine's night (but wouldn't actually play the game with me that night which sounds very childish but I was annoyed by that because she thought it was great after she played it with them). It was only supposed to be the two girls but apparently the guys overheard in work and she couldn't not invite them after overhearing. I think he/they were invited all along. Earlier in the week she mentioned that the house needed tidying because it was a mess. Then mentions the following day that her female friend was calling over on Friday and then let me know the day before that the guys were joining now too.

I came back on Monday evening. We were glad to see each other. I had dinner ready and we had a nice evening and watched a movie. I thought we'd have sex after not seeing each other all weekend but she played the tired card.

Reading back on what I just wrote, I don't really feel anything. I'm not annoyed or angry or upset. She's having a laugh with her friends on face time in the other room. I'm getting ready to get on with the day's jobs.

I think I'm done lying to myself.

Tork

Does Covid not exist in your world OP? It sounds very odd to me that there are training days and household visits going on to beat the band here.

TheClubMan

Tork wrote: »

Does Covid not exist in your world OP? It sounds very odd to me that there are training days and household visits going on to beat the band here.

She had an in house training day at her workplace. We're both essential workers and both our parents are in their late 60'/70's and need support. I made the point that her work colleagues shouldn't be coming to our house regardless of whether they're in her 'bubble' or not.

Dial Hard

TheClubMan wrote: »

She had an in house training day at her workplace. We're both essential workers and both our parents are in their late 60'/70's and need support. I made the point that her work colleagues shouldn't be coming to our house regardless of whether they're in her 'bubble' or not.

A bubble is supposed to be with one other household that's not bubbling with anyone else. Not with both sets of parents and whoever else you feel like.

Tbh the fact that she couldn't give sh*t one about any of the restrictions just confirms that she's a selfish git who doesn't care about anyone but herself. Why you would want to be with such a person is utterly beyond me.

lalababa

Rewrite out your opening post on paper and try to get a good disscription of your feelings especially the way SHE makes you feel , good and bad. (Especially the lack of sex!)
COMMUINICATE this TO her!!!!
See where the chips fall.
Take it from there.
Good luck.

[Deleted User]

TheClubMan wrote: »

<Snip> Please do not quote full, lengthy posts. It is unnecessary.

You are describing a stale marriage after 30 years together there, not the early stages of a new life together.

Augme

Get out of there asap. Rent a room straight away and move out. Even if it's just to have somewhere to stay before flying home on a one way ticket.

The relationship is toast and the sooner you leave the happier you'll be. I think you'll be amazed at the sense of relief you'll feel when you finally pull the trigger on ending it properly. The only regret you'll have us not doing it earlier.

tea and coffee

From what you're describing what she is saying doesnt ring true. She's "showing" you the married man texts as if to say look nothing going on, no big deal.

The no sex etc - presumably going from a healthy enough sex life before?

She seems to be getting on with her life (great new job, moving home etc) and I'm not sure you feature in it.

She may be trying to provoke a reaction with the married texts and no sex so that the inevitable row and you breaking up rather than her means she doesn't have to be the bad guy if the conversation turns to break up.

Yurt2

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Then if she tells the truth you can decide whether to forgive her and try again ..or forgive her and move on. But this in between thing ..it sounds like hell and only you can open the door to get out. Its also a way of prolonging the delusion of her and the relationship that you have. That is NOT healthy ...

It's called monkey branching. She's teeing up her new life, her new partner, all in full view of her boyfriend and is telling him not happening and gaslighting him about it - while still keeping around for whatever conveniences he provides for the moment. When the stage is set and she feels her new situation is ready to go, he'll get the bullet and have to watch as she immediately swaps him out for another man.

It's cruel. It's from the cheater's playbook who don't want to admit they're cheaters.

He should salvage some pride and do the dumping before she gets there. Every day spent on this relationship is a day wasted, and she's stealing from the OP at this stage. Stealing his commitment, his love, his potential to evolve, his self-esteem.

TheadoreT

OP you sound absolutely miserable. You're so suspicious of her you're monitoring her every online behaviour, its not normal or healthy. Whether your suspicions are justified or not(id guess they are) its really irrelevant at this point. You've zero trust for her and you're spiraling into an anxious mess when she isn't around. She isn't fulfilling any of your needs, be it reassuring your worries, being respectful with other men or having sex with you.

Just pack and leave, don't tell her why, try to restore a tiny bit of pride.

TheClubMan

Well that's it confirmed anyway. I had enough and looked through her phone again. The **** actually ****ed the married man last Friday in a room at work and has admitted to friends she doesn't feel the same about me but "still loves me". This skank wouldn't know what love is if it hit her in the face! So if she ****ed him then she's definitely shagged the **** buddy. It's hard to keep up! LOL. They're still texting and planning to do it again when I'm not home. Absolutely heartbroken and angry but not completely surprised. Just glad I know for definite now and can stop wondering. Anyone know how to regain two wasted years of your life? She made a right fool out of me... Obviously she doesn't know I know. atm. Clearly I'm going to leave the cheating cow but I want to have my fun first just like she has. Any suggestions kind folk?

B.A._Baracus

TheClubMan,
All you can do is walk away. Of course not before confronting her and saying all that you know. There's nothing wrong with having your moment and calling her every name under the sun to her face. We're all human at the end of the day and she hurt you.

Don't expect honestly from her. Expect lies and deceit and trying to put it back on you (my money is on that she will try to make a big stink about going through her phone, saying you got it all wrong, then walk away not listening to what you say - it's often a cheaters play when someone cops on)

So all you can do is walk away.
You're going to be bitter and angry for the next while. That's natural. You are going to have to take some time to repair yourself. Eventually you will meet someone else and this will be a memory.

Rubberchikken

What do you mean by having your fun first?
If you mean revenge, then it is really worth it?
All you're doing is bringing yourself in and your self respect down and you'll feel even worse later.

Speak with her. Make your decision and tell her. Salvage your pride and accept that you deserve better treatment than this.

TheClubMan

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

,

So all you can do is walk away.

I literally moved my whole life from one side of the world to the other for her and she goes and treats me like this? I'm not just going to walk away.

I'll be letting her boss and his wife know about their antics for a start. It's up to them what they do with the information.

She has my half of our deposit for a mortgage in her account as we haven't set up a joint bank account yet so I need to get that money off her.

It's my birthday next week too so I'm obviously going to hold out for the stingy presents she got me.

I may start writing out a list...

Jequ0n

TheClubMan wrote: »

I literally moved my whole life from one side of the world to the other for her and she goes and treats me like this? I'm not just going to walk away.

I'll be letting her boss and his wife know about their antics for a start. It's up to them what they do with the information.

She has my half of our deposit for a mortgage in her account as we haven't set up a joint bank account yet so I need to get that money off her.

It's my birthday next week too so I'm obviously going to hold out for the stingy presents she got me.

I may start writing out a list...

Oh I have plenty of ideas and experience with the stuff you are considering and planning and while I am happy to share my experience it comes with a word of warning. You are rightfully enraged now but with most people this turns to sadness eventually.

By any means get screenshots of the conversations. Do NOT engage the boss/ workplace. The fact that she told others about her affairs is actually excellent as it will leave her wondering if one of them ratted her out.

You can have a lot of “fun” here but consider it carefully before you end up regretting it.

If I were you I’d go down that route but it is possibly a character flaw of of mine and not good advice. However, I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to just walk away...too tempting...

Yes, revenge/ punishment/ destruction is beautiful but I think you might be the type to feel remorse afterwards. This is not meant as an insult, just as advice to think before you go down that route.

Wanderer78

Just walk away and hold your head high, you done nothing wrong, this one's on her, revenge isn't worth it, and is rather immature, just walk away

TheadoreT

You said initially she's the only one who has a job with a high enough salary to save for the deposit and now you're saying she has your half of the deposit. Which is it?

callaway92

Looking at previously created threads by the OP, I’m confused.

It’s like him and his Father share an account

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, Personal Issues is for posters looking for constructive advice on how to deal with an issue. If you want advice on how to get revenge on your partner that is absolutely not in keeping with the spirit of the forum.

If it is advice you want on how to move on - we can keep the thread open. If it is revenge tactics - the thread will be closed.

Thanks

HS

derb12

I’ve just read through the whole thread there for the first time right through to it inevitable gut punch conclusion from the early hours of last night.
Some people are just so mean self-centred and manipulative it is just hard to believe ... but make sure you understand that this is her flaw and you’ve done nothing wrong. She will live her life always needing to exploit those around her to fill her empty cavernous soul and let her at it.
If it was me I’d want to make sure that her circle and family knew what happened but they mightn’t believe you anyway and as another poster said maybe that’s my character flaw.
Advice: get screenshots/evidence just in case. Get some advice about getting your deposit back. If she suspects that you’re going to dump her she may well spend/move it.
You sound like a great guy - she doesn’t deserve you.