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Jealous? Or reason for concern?

TheClubMan

So before Christmas, my partner and I returned home from abroad a month apart. When I returned home we moved in together. I noticed she had been in contact with an old f**k buddy via Snapchat for the month we were apart. As it was Christmas and she had family stuff going on, I felt it wasn't the right time to bring it up so I let it slide and haven't said anything about it as I knew she'd call me jealous and insecure as it was a touchy subject.

About a year ago I found out that this guy had arranged for them to meet up at a local car park the last time we visited home. I found this out by looking through her phone after a drunken night out. I confessed what I done and confronted her about the message I found. She said it was a message from years ago and denied it. It nearly broke us but I accepted her answer and moved on.

The move home has been especially tough for me as I'm living in her local city, hours from my friends/family and struggling to get a good job. She's been doing really well in her new job and is loving it and wants us to buy a house this year.

Recently though I've noticed she's been getting close to a male colleague at work and I've caught them exchanging flirtatious messages. She speaks highly of him to her friends and spends a lot of time with him at work. I haven't called her out on the texts yet.

More or less since we come home she has lost interest in having sex with me and knocks me back with exhaustion or not feeling well so we might just have sex once a week if even that. Admittedly I have a higher sex drive than her but my confidence takes a hit everytime and I think she may be developing feelings for this married man.

Am I just being a jealous boyfriend with trust/insecurity issues or do I have reason to be concerned? Is our relationship over and I'm just burying my head in the sand?

I know I should be opening up to her and telling her how I'm feeling. I am afraid if I do so that'll spark the end for us. I really want to make things work between us and I know we both love each other but maybe love just isn't always enough?

Any advice welcome.

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Thelonious Monk

Going solely on what you're telling us here, it sounds like it has run its course to me. You shouldn't have to feel the way you are feeling all the time in a relationship, and she's either up to no good or an idiot who doesn't consider your feelings in her dealings with these men.

jarvis

‘Caught them exchanging flirtatious texts’ sounds like you regularly check her phone and you obviously don’t trust her at all. Wether or not she’s had her head turned it’s probably not a great sign for your future together. If she’s rejecting you sexually then it’s probably normal for your mind to race and when that happens you will focus on negative thoughts. Once a week isnt exactly terrible!!!

TheClubMan

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Going solely on what you're telling us here, it sounds like it has run its course to me. You shouldn't have to feel the way you are feeling all the time in a relationship, and she's either up to no good or an idiot who doesn't consider your feelings in her dealings with these men.

Bearing in mind I've moved my life from the other side of the world for her so she can take up this new job opportunity and support her as much as I can. I don't think she understands how hard it's been for me and overheard her during the week to her friend sayin that she feels stuck at the moment because she wants to buy a house and I can't get a stable job to save for a mortgage. She's only met my family twice but says we'll move to my homeplace in a few years but hasn't even been to my hometown!

I don't always feel like that. When things are good between us they're great. I get on really well with her family/friends and share the same interests and can see a future with her provided these issues are resolved. I love her and the thought of us not being together breaks my heart.

TheClubMan

jarvis wrote: »

‘Caught them exchanging flirtatious texts’ sounds like you regularly check her phone and you obviously don’t trust her at all. Wether or not she’s had her head turned it’s probably not a great sign for your future together. If she’s rejecting you sexually then it’s probably normal for your mind to race and when that happens you will focus on negative thoughts. Once a week isnt exactly terrible!!!

I wasn't looking through her phone, she was texting him while we were lying on the couch last week and seen a few messages. Her ex cheated on her years ago and says she despises cheaters but what I'm seeing doesn't give me much encouragement. She doesn't want to engage in sex but won't say no to a massage. I feel like it's all take and no give.

Yurt2

TheClubMan wrote: »

. says she despises cheaters

Look at her actions and not her words.

This woman has a cheater's mentality.

My advice: Put an end to this relationship on your terms before she does harm to you. She's welcome to the married man, she'll find out how fun it is to be a mistress, for her and everyone around her.

Some people are never happy and have a black void in them that they feed with people. It doesn't matter to them if there's a marriage or kids in the equation, or that you as a boyfriend are at home wondering what is going on. Don't feed the abyss. Just leave.

jarvis

The one thing about this forum is that as soon as someone posts a doubt about a relationship there’s a barrage of ‘its over’, ‘end it now’ comments. Those comments will put for their doubt in your head. Maybe it’s time for a very honest conversation about your mindtalk and how certain scenarios make you feel. If she loves you she’ll listen and consider how she can help with it, if she brushes you off then a longer think might be needed but don’t take the typical boards dumping comments on board to quickly

TheClubMan

Yurt! wrote: »

Look at her actions and not her words.

This woman has a cheater's mentality.

My advice: Put an end to this relationship on your terms before she does harm to you. She's welcome to the married man, she'll find out how fun it is to be a mistress, for her and everyone around her.

Some people are never happy and have a black void in them that they feed with people. It doesn't matter to them if there's a marriage or kids in the equation, or that you as a boyfriend are at home wondering what is going on. Don't feed the abyss. Just leave.

I don't know whether she'd actually do anything. Maybe it's just a bit of excitement because she's bored with our relationship because we're stuck in a lockdown and there's not much else to do. Work is her only outlet at the moment.

I feel like I've sacraficed too much to not make this work and I can't go back to my old life. In saying that I'm not completely happy and neither is she. I can't picture the thought of us breaking up or her with another man...

Yurt2

TheClubMan wrote: »

I don't know whether she'd actually do anything. Maybe it's just a bit of excitement because she's bored with our relationship because we're stuck in a lockdown and there's not much else to do. Work is her only outlet at the moment.

I feel like I've sacraficed too much to not make this work and I can't go back to my old life. In saying that I'm not completely happy and neither is she. I can't picture the thought of us breaking up or her with another man...

If there's excitement to be had she's looking in the most explosive place possible with a married man. Your gut is telling you something is off, and people's gut is rarely wrong on this stuff. You seem like a balanced guy.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it, or even better run it by a trusted friend. Come at this from a position of strength. Calmly tell her you're considering walking away, and it's because of her odd and inappropriate interactions with the work colleague. Be prepared to walk away.

As another poster said, she's either an idiot toying with him like this, or there's something going on. Let's be honest, you and most men won't be prepared to have a partner who's flirting with burning the relationship down at any second because of some married chump in work.

Actions, not words.

She'll either snap out of it and end these interactions (you'll never be ok with them let's face it), or she'll give you the 'you're being jealous about Johnny Justafriend' spiel - at which point it's probably time to walk.

This is a tale as old as time. Don't end up on the wrong end of a Johnny Justafriend scenario like so many men before you. He's not a friend to her - she, you, and everyone knows it.

Thelonious Monk

jarvis wrote: »

The one thing about this forum is that as soon as someone posts a doubt about a relationship there’s a barrage of ‘its over’, ‘end it now’ comments

I agree with this but going on what he told us, arranging to meet dudes she used to f*ck in car parks, flirting with people at work, this one seems a bit more obvious

Jequ0n

There is 2 of you in here.
You are obviously on edge already and are likely to interpret every action of hers as a validation of your fears. At the same time she continous to seeking affirmation elsewhere.

Throw in resentment because you uprooted yourself for her and have lost your base.

Overall chaos that cannot end well

Yurt2

Jequ0n wrote: »

There is 2 of you in here.
You are obviously on edge already and are likely to interpret every action of hers as a validation of your fears. At the same time she continous to seeking affirmation elsewhere.

Throw in resentment because you uprooted yourself for her and have lost your base.

Overall chaos that cannot end well

He's on edge because his boundaries have been violated, and they are not unusual boundaries.

If anyone wants to raise their hand and say they're comfortable with their partner illicitly contacting ex-f*ck buddies or charged texts with a married work colleague while sitting next to them on the couch they can do so now. But they'd be in a fairly small minority.

Jequ0n

Yurt! wrote: »

He's on edge because his boundaries have been violated, and they are not unusual boundaries.

If anyone wants to raise their hand and say they're comfortable with their partner illicitly contacting ex-f*ck buddies or charged texts with a married work colleague while sitting next to them on the couch they can do so now. But they'd be in a fairly small minority.

Would you prefer if they did it secretly?

Yurt2

Jequ0n wrote: »

Would you prefer if they did it secretly?

I don't know why your asking me, she's not my partner.

Some people are more brazen / thick than others when it comes to these matters. The texts are being exchanged, OP is uncomfortable with them -for good reason- and she has form.

Jequ0n

Yurt! wrote: »

I don't know why your asking me, she's not my partner.

Some people are more brazen / thick than others when it comes to these matters. The texts are being exchanged, OP is uncomfortable with them -for good reason- and she has form.

Indeed.but this is not “just” one person bending the rules, there is far more going on here in the grand scheme of things.

If it was as simple as you outlined the OP wouldn’t have posted I assume

TheClubMan

Jequ0n wrote: »

Would you prefer if they did it secretly?

I'd prefer if she didn't do it at all to be quite honest. We both made the decision to return home to begin our next chapter. I shouldn't use the sacrafice I made as a stick to beat her with because I wasn't forced into making that decision but I do expect a full commitment to our future together but instead arrive home to her in regular contact with an old flame and now her work colleague. I know I need to talk to her about it but it's going to be a difficult conversation to have and I'm afraid of what the outcome will be.

wonga77

Now is the time to find out. The longer you leave it then unfortunately may end up as time wasted

Yurt2

TheClubMan wrote: »

I'd prefer if she didn't do it at all to be quite honest. We both made the decision to return home to begin our next chapter. I shouldn't use the sacrafice I made as a stick to beat her with because I wasn't forced into making that decision but I do expect a full commitment to our future together but instead arrive home to her in regular contact with an old flame and now her work colleague. I know I need to talk to her about it but it's going to be a difficult conversation to have and I'm afraid of what the outcome will be.

I understand why you'd be fearful of the conversation BUT, your boundaries are your boundaries, and your values are your values, and you should never be afraid to walk away from a situation that impacts your self esteem like this. As I said, your boundaries are not unusual.

I once ended a relationship because of very similar circumstances to this. This was a girl who was not accustomed to being broken up with, and very accustomed to men chasing her around and her feeding it constantly (as was happening in our relationship). I had a couple of quiet words with her about it, but she refused to internalise anything and brushed it off.

When I ended it, and outlined why, it was if I threw a hand grenade in the room, she was in shock. She came back to me about a month later and admitted she was being inappropriate with certain men, leading them on, and wanted a second chance.

I said no, that she violated my trust and I don't think she's actually willing to earn it back. She called me every name under the sun and stormed off.

Still don't regret it, I ended it on my terms and my way with my head held high.

I'll qualify this with that this is merely my advice. If she doesn't want to hear out your valid concerns and seriously internalize them and change - you both are probably out of options.

ulster

TheClubMan wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire first post.

It's not going to work. You have to split up with her.

Dog day

OP, in healthy relationships there’s trust, balance, equal investment & open communication. But that’s ‘ideal scenario’ stuff, the complexities of life & human frailties get in the way. Actions speak louder than words & though my gut response is that it’s highly likely that this relationship has run its course, I’d advise that you have a very open ‘cards on table’ conversation with your GF. If she’s open to really hearing what you’re saying & follows that up with regaining your trust & you’re able to desist from invading her privacy, well then you could try to give it a further go, if she’s not....you know what you have to do, painful as it will be. I wish you luck.

Antares35

Jequ0n wrote: »

Would you prefer if they did it secretly?

I'd prefer if they didn't do it at all.

Big Bag of Chips

ulster, please do not quote full posts when replying.

Katgurl

I don't think she sounds trustworthy and that really is the bare minimum to make a relationship work. The married man could very easily be an innocent friendship developing but coupled with the carpark arrangement with the previous fwb... I don't think this a relationship I'd bother with.

B.A._Baracus

Honestly op .. screw that. So many red flags and alarm bells. Should you wait around to officially find things out?

Being in contact with her "former FwB" is serious enough on its own. Boll*cks to the whole "just friends" now garbage. She's with you and talking about getting a house.

Hey, let's be honest, if I was talking with some girl I was shagging before it's because I want to shag them again (you did see the car park text but was that really years ago?) But why is she still talking to him? He's clearly trying to work a shag. Why wasn't she insulted by him asking that knowing she is with someone else? That stuff sounds like she DID do something and keeping him around.

Then the other guy and flirtatious texts? Then she has stopped having sex with you? I'm sorry man. I really mean that. But these are the actions of a person who's cheating.

If you confront her with this she won't admit - cheaters rarely do.
Time to break up because you'll just kick yourself.

Magicmatilda

I think the biggest thing that jumps out is that you seem very scared of a life without her. I think that is what is driving you to stay in a relationship that does not sound healthy or happy. You need to sit down with yourself and have a good think about why you are so scared to be without her? Do you think there will never be another? Do you think she is the best you can do? Maybe have a chat with a counsellor or a good friend about that, to understand that fear.

I don't text male work colleagues, especially married ones, because I think its inappropriate, whatever about if there was some specific reason, offering congratulations or commiserations or something, a once off. But chit chat and flirty chit chat, no.

Also I highly doubt she intends to move to your home place. Why is she saying she will, are you asking her to? and she is saying yeah sure in a few years, or does she come up with that herself.

Anyway once you are clear about why you are so scared to be without her, then you can address that fear and have a chat with her outlining your boundaries. But until you face that fear you will continue to act from it and you will continue to let her do whatever she wants because if you say anything she might leave.

TheClubMan

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I agree with this but going on what he told us, arranging to meet dudes she used to f*ck in car parks, flirting with people at work, this one seems a bit more obvious

The date was a few days before we flew back. It was a text telling her to pull in behind his car at the car park. I don't know whether they had sex or talked or if she even went at all. I called her out on it but she made a bigger issue out of the trust I had broken in looking through her phone than the actual text from this guy, completely denying it and saying it was from years ago. Looking back I think I was naive to have believed her and knew deep down she was lying but put it behind us as life was good at the time.

Katgurl

TheClubMan wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the previous post in full. It's just there ^

I'm amazed you were able to get past this, I just couldn't. It's very likely she went if there are no cancellation messages and if she went - you think they just talked? Come on, I wasn't there so cannot say for absolute sure but why would anyone meet their ex Fwb in a carpark to talk? And instead of apologising she turned it around on you.

You deserve so much better than this.

TheClubMan

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm amazed you were able to get past this, I just couldn't.

I'm not sure I have got past it as it's still bothering me, even more so now as she's been in frequent contact with him since we came home.

She has on a couple of occasions confronted me when she seen I had received a message from genuine female friends of mine who might only be checking in or something and taken a huff and asked me 100 questions but it's ok for her to be in contact with other guys and I'm just being jealous and have to cop on when I call her out on it.

wonga77

She's taking you for granted and no offence but making a fool of you at the same time.
You can very easily find someone so much better without the drama

TheClubMan

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I think the biggest thing that jumps out is that you seem very scared of a life without her

I think that is an issue I seem to have. My life abroad became better when I met her and we started seeing each other. I had my own small group of friends and did ok with meeting girls as I'm not a bad looking lad but I'm a bit shy and not overly confident until I get to know someone or I've a few drinks in me.

My relationship with her has been my first serious relationship in years. I started meeting more people outside my circle, going to more parties, travelling and having someone by side who I could share things with and be comfortable around. She really is a great girl, with strong family values, career driven and outgoing.

We've grown very close together over the last few years and care about each other very much but issues I've raised and our return home has driven a wedge between us I think. I want to picture a future with her. I know I've to express my concerns and she has to be honest about how she's feeling or else we're just going to lead a fake life where neither of us are completely happy. If we can't sort it out, there's going to be hurt on both sides even if it's for the best.

I don't think right now is a time to have that conversation as she is stressed with family problems at home and needs my support. I don't want to cause her more problems but know at the same time the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP but your description of her and her behavior and attitude towards you contradict each other...are you sure that you are not idolising her?

If you have confidence issues this relationship will make them worse