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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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M.T. Cranium

I was going to the Procrastination Seminar, but I thought, "this can wait."

So I thought about going to the Pessimism Seminar, but I thought, "what's the use? they can't help me."

Finally, I considered the Obsessive Compulsive Seminar, but they always used to have that on Fridays, and I can't handle the change to Mondays.

rizzodun

Irishman, Englishman & Scotsman are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "As there's three of you, I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity, England only for the English."
Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Double the height, and fill it up with water."

fryup

***NEWSFLASH***

The Irish Secret Service were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take "Vladimir Putin out"

So far…. news reports say …… he’s been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!

fryup

for the week that's in it...

*this is a long one mind but worth it...

Paddy had a aptitude test for a major blue chip computer company.

The examiner took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of Paddy.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while Paddy took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the examiner .

The examiner looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said Paddy with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

The examiner handed the paper back to Paddy and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while Paddy scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The examiner looked at the drawings and said “But that is not ninety-nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said Paddy, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The examiner was now losing his patience so he decided to give Paddy one more chance, he handed the paper back to Paddy and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time Paddy suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the examiner.

The examiner looked at the drawings and said angrily “But that is not 100!!”

“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said Paddy with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100 :P

Suckit

Keith Richards once got a tortoise for his birthday:
He asked. "How old will it get."
They told him. "About 300 years."
He said. "Now you see why I'm against it, you get attached to such an animal and then it dies."

fryup

for the week that's in it....

Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint

Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled Paddy says
“Why would i be needin two empty glasses?”

Mary says to Paddy if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”

“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.

“What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.

“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

everlast75

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea, one called Justin, the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed-up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large and mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
Justin set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gates
memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's
me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!" Christian
replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and
I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back " No, I'm
not.That was the old me. I've changed, I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again
Christian."

Capt'n Midnight

Experience what 10 years of marriage feels like by telling a deaf person about your day as they scroll through facebook on their phone.

Capt'n Midnight

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

fryup

for the week that's in it....

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were about
to be executed by firing squad on a tropical island.
Paddy Englishman was first up, 3...2...1... Just before they shoot he shouted "TIGER!!!" the guards panicked and he ran away. Paddy Scotsman was next. 3...2...1... Just before they shoot he shouted "TIDAL WAVE!!!" The guards panicked and he ran away. Paddy Irishman was last. 3...2...1... Just before they shoot he shouted "FIRE!!!"

Edgware

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Hey, there is nothing wrong with nepotism as long as you keep it in the family.

Like incest, a game for all the family

[Deleted User]

Hey, there is nothing wrong with nepotism as long as you keep it in the family.

Professor Moriarty

M5 wrote: »

MOD SNIP

<<NOPE>>

Nope.

MOD SNIP

<<NOPE>>

Capt'n Midnight

What's the best way to delegate?

Asking for a friend.

Roger_007

castletownman wrote: »

At this stage, Prince Harry has a better chance of regaining his title though

At least he scored a couple of times.:D

castletownman

RobMc59 wrote: »

Oprah's next interview is with Jurgen Klopp who has also lost a title and is getting bullied at home.

At this stage, Prince Harry has a better chance of regaining his title though

RobMc59

Oprah's next interview is with Jurgen Klopp who has also lost a title and is getting bullied at home.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^

good one

dilallio

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...
He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"50 quid" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the bloody torch in her face!"

everlast75

What do you call an Irish man breaking up a fight?

Liam Malone

TheBody

Who will take the 2nd shot of this snooker match?

Find out after the break.

fryup

here's a cracker from Carry on Abroad...:pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXtFQdvcp4o

RobMc59

The fella who presses the crowd cheering button at Anfield when Liverpool score has just been furloughed....

New Home

I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people.

its_steve116

milltown wrote: »

My dream is to open my own Northside bathroom textiles business:

SANTRY TOWELS

My dream is to form my own Northside Metallica tribute band:

SANTRYTARIUM

foxy farmer

Tazium wrote: »

Betcha he's sweating more than a horse in a glue factory. Must have the trots.

Not a bother on him. Being a jockey his neck is like his bollo×!!!

New Home

If you ask me, this is turning into a dog and pony show.

Capt'n Midnight

4Ad wrote: »

Gordon Elliott might pay it !!

Don't go there it's a minefield.

Which is incidently the name a German uses for the place when the horse is.

Capt'n Midnight

What did Elton John say after his 7th can of Amstel?

Amstel standing, yeah yeah yeah