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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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TheBody

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill so I sent him a “get well soon” card.

auspicious

Why did the vegan cross the road?
Because the grass is greener on the other side.

fryup

TheBody wrote: »

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill so I sent him a “get well soon” card.

everlast75

fryup wrote: »

everlast75

"Like a virgin" has just been translated into the national language of the Netherlands.

Dutch for the very first time...

TheBody

Anybody want my old copies of Chiropractic Monthly?

I have lots of back issues.

everlast75

She give me money
When Im in need
She charges interest
Which leaves me peeved
She's a bank manager
In my town
& lends to me

-Kanye Natwest

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

Ulster Bank says NO!

bonzodog2

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^

Ulster Bank says NONEVER!

:rolleyes::D

TheBody

I got my wife a slinky dress for Christmas.

She looked great coming down the stairs.

Capt'n Midnight

Did it put a spring in her step ?

IrishZeus

She must have been head over heels in love with him for that present.

TheBody

I attended the Tourette’s Society AGM last night.

They swore in their new president

fryup

"I keep randomly shouting out 'BROCCOLI' and 'CAULIFLOWER!!' - I think I might have florets."

*edinburgh fringe festival winning joke 2019

TheBody

My previous boss liked to write all his correspondence in neon gel pen.

Thankfully when I left he gave me a glowing reference!

Purple Mountain

A man is constantly changing channels on the TV, then turns to his wife and says 'I don't know what to watch, the porn or the golf.'
His wife replies: 'Watch the porn, dear. You know how to play golf!'

everlast75

what's the difference between "a Kangaroo" and "a Kangaroot"?

One is a marsupial, the other is what someone from Newcastle would say if they were stuck in a bathroom cubicle!

GBX

The wife suggested if I was bored during lockdown, to make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I've only put her in fifth place..

Tazium

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say Hello from the otherside

RobMc59

***BREAKING NEWS***
A man was admitted to hospital today with 25 toy plastic horses inserted in his bottom..
Doctors have described his condition as stable..

M.T. Cranium

They asked him if he wanted a painkiller but he said "neigh."

Capt'n Midnight

I laughed until I was a little hoarse.

blade1

I reckon he's done that a capall of times already.

[Deleted User]

He recently married a native American woman, her name was four horses!
"Why four horses?" a friend asked,
Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag

whiskeyman

I wonder will these horse jokes go on furlong...

blade1

whiskeyman wrote: »

I wonder will these horse jokes go on furlong...

They'll go on as long as people want to stirrup s**t.

Witchie

Sad thing is he was only looking for the ride.

whiskeyman

1 is ok.
2 fine.
But Aintree enough?

Mehaffey1

One of my own here to share, thought of it on Friday bored to tears in work.

I'm going to quit this job and go into the purse and wallet industry. At least there's money ib them.

[Deleted User]

I used to work at a place that recycled old shoes, it was sole destroying!