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Why am I single?

LegacyUser

Hi everybody, thank you in advance for taking the time to read through my ranty post. All advice & suggestions appreciated.

A bit about me, im early 30's freelance/casual worker living with family. From the outside this doesnt sound ideal but for me it works, my adult sibling lives at home too, cousins & aunties/uncles live a stones throw away from us. At home I pay my way and ask for nothing. Its better than paying unaffordable high rents as far as im concerned and I wouldnt feel ok signing on the housing list or accepting HAP while so many need it more than me. So thats my set up for now, im happy out and have plenty of pets & people around me.

As for my personality, im quiet and solitary but love socialising too and always make the time for friends and family. I take great care of myself and im happy to say that other people notice this, people always comment to tell me that im attractive, ive often had men come up to me on nights out to tell me they think im good looking. They usually drunk and not interested in getting to know me but enjoy the compliment and ill take it.
I go to the gym, go for walks & runs, eat well big into positive mental health and often meditate, practice yoga & mindfulness, I try to speak to a counsellor for a couple of sessions every year or two & I always take something positive from it. I love reading and really interested in psychology, im always reading up about this subject but enjoy fiction, history & biographies too.
I love clothes, shoes, skincare & makeup, love getting my hair & nails done.
I love going out for meals & drinks or making some at home on a weekend. I also love cooking and if I have a night in or cant sleep I enjoy baking. Also, love making nice healthy lunches & dinners & enjoy cooking for other people.
Love music, art & animals, ive really missed getting out to museums & galleries over the lockdown, I have lots of hobbies that I enjoy.
I love learning new things, im learning Irish now, I have a few qualifications and want to get back to university some time to do a masters although haven't decided in what subject yet.
When im in a relationship im loyal & considerate and I also love sex, everyone of my exes has told me im great in bed. I love making other people happy in all aspects of life and this is really reflected in my sex life, outside of a relationship or when im single I dont sleep with many people, it feels a bit meaningless and pointless to me so this results in months or year(s) long dry spells.
I spend a good amount of my week volunteering for charities & keeping busy when im not working freelance.
Im not anyway near close to perfect, ive flaws like anyone else but I think im a catch, im a decent person, I can genuinely look in the mirror every night and know that I haven't intentionally caused any hurt or pain to anyone else and thats good enough for me.

Despite all this, I cant seem to get a boyfriend & this didnt bother me in my 20's but as im getting older im really starting to wonder is there something wrong with me or do I repel men in some way?
Ive joined all the dating apps but most of the time the men dont make an effort to meet up or theyre only looking for one thing.
Men I meet when out seem to be the same, theres never any spark or connection.
Just wondering if anyone elses experiences this because I feel like its just me.
Thanks

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SusieBlue

CelticRambler wrote: »

There's a bit of blinkered vision going on there: this "high maintenance lifestyle" doesn't necessarily have to be expensive, and it's entirely possible that being tied in to a rental agreement, or worse, a mortgage would prevent the OP from making the kind of situational change that would give her everything she wants. Just because rent and property prices are crazy high in Ireland doesn't mean that it's normal - perhaps the OP's future lies in one of the Italian villages where they pay you to come and live and run a business? In which case, she can up and go on Saturday morning, taking her freelancer's skills with her, fall in love with an Italian with a poor work ethic and be of far more use to society than someone sitting in an office processing whiplash insurance claims from 9 to 5.

I’m sorry but your post is full of whataboutery.
If OP wants to go fall in love with some Italian man under the sunset while living in a fishing village then more power to her, but that doesn’t sound like what she wants. It sounds like she’s going for your average, typical Irish guy, and your average typical Irish guy doesn’t seem to have much interest in someone who chooses to live at home working casual hours in to fund a high maintenance lifestyle.

Just to list a few of OP’s hobbies, having an interest in makeup, skincare, and fashion is expensive.
Particularly skincare, anyone with a genuine interest in that area knows it can be expensive as hell. So is regularly getting your hair and nails done.
I know all this because they’re my hobbies and interests too, and I can say for a fact that even living at home there is no way I could afford to regularly indulge in any of those things (let alone all of them) working part time or casual hours.
As a matter of fact, when I was working part time I did my own hair and getting my nails done wasn’t even a consideration cause I couldn’t afford it.
She also enjoys yoga, attending counselling, reading, eating out, and regularly attending museums & galleries.
All great and lovely but they all cost money, they are luxuries.

Her lifestyle probably would be more suited to a more free spirited ‘go with the flow’ type of guy, but that doesn’t sound like what she wants.
So she either needs to broaden her horizons & open herself up to dating different kinds of guys, or else accept that the way she chooses to live will be a dealbreaker for a lot of men.

CelticRambler

SusieBlue wrote: »

I’m sorry but your post is full of whataboutery.

Only as much as your own -

SusieBlue wrote: »

Just to list a few of OP’s hobbies, having an interest in makeup, skincare, and fashion is expensive.
Particularly skincare, anyone with a genuine interest in that area knows it can be expensive as hell. So is regularly getting your hair and nails done.
I know all this because they’re my hobbies and interests too, and I can say for a fact that even living at home there is no way I could afford to regularly indulge in any of those things (let alone all of them) working part time or casual hours.
As a matter of fact, when I was working part time I did my own hair and getting my nails done wasn’t even a consideration cause I couldn’t afford it.
She also enjoys yoga, attending counselling, reading, eating out, and regularly attending museums & galleries.
All great and lovely but they all cost money, they are luxuries.

The OP has made it clear that she places a high value on looking after her physical and mental well-being, and has opted to be sensible with her finances by giving up on rental accommodation when there's a better deal available for her by living in the family home.

And yes, some hair and beauty products are expensive, but my daughters are perfectly capable of balancing that particular budget and it pales into insignificance compared to things like concert tickets or iPhones or the cost of flights to Africa.

Now maybe the OP is looking for a "typical Irish guy" but there's nothing in any of her posts that says that. She's described to us what kind of a person she is - that doesn't mean that she makes a big deal of it in her dating profile or goes all princess on a first date.

2 fast

From my experience on dating apps guys are looking for girls that have extensively travelled, look after their appearance (makeup, tan, nails etc.) While being independent and having your space is great you cant have everything and compromise has to happen.

Its different strokes for different folks.

YellowLead

2 fast wrote: »

From my experience on dating apps guys are looking for girls that have extensively travelled, look after their appearance (makeup, tan, nails etc.) While being independent and having your space is great you cant have everything and compromise has to happen.

Its different strokes for different folks.

It really depends on the kind of man you are after. For example none of the men I’ve ever chatted with/dated have been into the overly done up took you speak of and express relief if I mention I don’t do fake tan. They are happy I don’t take 2 hours to get ready and that I look like the same person when the subtle make up I wear comes off. When it comes to liking women who look after themselves that is indeed a big deal - but it’s looking after your health (diet/exercise) that impresses as opposed to being caked in tan/make up. So there is indeed no one size that fits all!

Two of the big things, apart from a healthy lifestyle, that are important to the men I chat with are emotional maturity and having interests/passions in life.

It sounds like OP looks after herself so that’s a check. And it’s a check also when it comes to having hobbies and interests - it sounds like OP could hold a good conversation and would have plenty to discuss.

So I’m afraid what seems to be missing is the lack of maturity, or perceived lack of.
Wanting to live at home as a means to an end until you meet the right guy, and even loving the fact that aunties and uncles are near (sweet but a tiny bit babyish) comes across as childlike. If you are happy to date somebody with the same attitude as yourself OP, how will you both fulfill your stated wish of getting your own place together ?? Are you looking for somebody with a trust fund? Or would you like to travel back in time when women didn’t/couldn’t really have careers and a male breadwinner was the norm?

Daisy78

Did the op not mention in one of her posts that she previously did rent in a house share and that it didn’t make much of a difference in terms of the response she received from the men she was meeting? I’m not entirely convinced that her living circumstances are what is contributing to her lack of success.

YellowLead

Daisy78 wrote: »

Did the op not mention in one of her posts that she previously did rent in a house share and that it didn’t make much of a difference in terms of the response she received from the men she was meeting? I’m not entirely convinced that her living circumstances are what is contributing to her lack of success.

Indeed it’s not the sole reason. The described shyness is prob a big factor too. But I still think the wanting to be housed by mammy/daddy or potential boyfriend part is off putting for a lot of men. It’s perhaps not the sole factor here, but it’s sure to be a contributing one.
OPs question seems to be why am I not married rather than why am I single, as she has mentioned behaviours when in relationships so is therefore not a perma singleton. Lack of total self sufficiency might be considered ok by a wider pool of people in your twenties for casual relationships but when it comes to your 30s and marriage - some men will be looking for women with similar life goals, so OP could expect to settle down with a guy who also chooses part time work and living at home/welfare as a choice. However given she has said she hopes to get a place with somebody, it sounds like she potentially expects said somebody to fund this - so is caught between a rock and a hard place...you can’t have your cake and eat it too springs to mind.

YellowLead

"A bit about me, im early 30's freelance/casual worker living with family. From the outside this doesnt sound ideal but for me it works, my adult sibling lives at home too, cousins & aunties/uncles live a stones throw away from us”

Just reading back to OPs original post, she acknowledges that her living at home by choice and doing minimal work ‘doesn’t sound ideal’.

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

Indeed it’s not the sole reason. The described shyness is prob a big factor too. But I still think the wanting to be housed by mammy/daddy or potential boyfriend part is off putting for a lot of men. It’s perhaps not the sole factor here, but it’s sure to be a contributing one.
OPs question seems to be why am I not married rather than why am I single, as she has mentioned behaviours when in relationships so is therefore not a perma singleton. Lack of self sufficiency might be ok in your twenties for casual relationships but when it comes to your 30s and marriage - men will be looking for women with similar life goals, so OP can expect to settle down with a guy who also chooses part time work and living at home/welfare as a choice. However given she has said she hopes to get a place with somebody, it sounds like she is expecting said somebody to fund this - so is caught between a rock and a hard place...you can’t have your cake and eat it too springs to mind.

When did OP say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend?

Apiarist

I would argue that the most interesting relationships are found through having to know people due to some external constraints. For example, you have to spend time with your colleagues or college mates. People in their 30s usually have less opportunities to meet new people, especially if they are stuck in a routine.

My advice is to break the routine, go out when it is allowed, join a cult, get a new hobby where you have to interact with other people, start a club for something you are passionate about, create an Instagram account with 10k followers. All this stuff about money, you living with your parents is not as important as putting yourself out there and let others see you and getting an interest in you.

YellowLead

Antares35 wrote: »

When did OP say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend?

She has said she is happy with her current casual working situation and doesn’t show any desire to change this. She has said she expects to get a place when she meets someone but has not expressed any desire to increase her earnings....so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to decipher. This is all based on assumptions from what she has told us of course, and how things appear. Prospective boyfriends will make the same assumptions - it doesn’t mean they are correct but she did ask us to point out what might be contributing to her lack of boyfriend.

YellowLead

victor8600 wrote: »

I would argue that the most interesting relationships are found through having to know people due to some external constraints. For example, you have to spend time with your colleagues or college mates. People in their 30s usually have less opportunities to meet new people, especially if they are stuck in a routine.

My advice is to break the routine, go out when it is allowed, join a cult, get a new hobby where you have to interact with other people, start a club for something you are passionate about, create an Instagram account with 10k followers. All this stuff about money, you living with your parents is not as important as putting yourself out there and let others see you and getting an interest in you.

Agree this is good advice. But it sounds from OP like she is doing all of this already.

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

She has said she is happy with her current casual working situation and doesn’t show any desire to change this. She has said she expects to get a place when she meets someone but has not expressed any desire to increase her earnings....so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to decipher. This is all based on assumptions from what she has told us of course, and how things appear. Prospective boyfriends will make the same assumptions - it doesn’t mean they are correct but she did ask us to point out what might be contributing to her lack of boyfriend.

Ok, but she didn't actually say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend.

You don't know how much she earns. You don't know how much she has saved.

YellowLead

Antares35 wrote: »

Ok, but she didn't actually say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend.

You don't know how much she earns. You don't know how much she has saved.

Indeed I don’t - but she said she would have to rely on social welfare in order to move out....i don’t think she would be granted welfare if she had sufficient earnings or a wad of decent savings.

cloudatlas

YellowLead wrote: »

She has said she is happy with her current casual working situation and doesn’t show any desire to change this. She has said she expects to get a place when she meets someone but has not expressed any desire to increase her earnings....so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to decipher. This is all based on assumptions from what she has told us of course, and how things appear. Prospective boyfriends will make the same assumptions - it doesn’t mean they are correct but she did ask us to point out what might be contributing to her lack of boyfriend.

She doesn't say how much she earns from the casual work so it's a stretch to make that assumption plus she is saving money now. There is no indication that she wouldn't be able to pay half the rent on a place if she met someone.

NASA rocket scientists provided a female astronaut with 100 tampons for a six day trip to space.

YellowLead

cloudatlas wrote: »

She doesn't say how much she earns from the casual work so it's a stretch to make that assumption plus she is saving money now. There is no indication that she wouldn't be able to pay half the rent on a place if she met someone.

NASA rocket scientists provided a female astronaut with 100 tampons for a six day trip to space.

I don’t get why she would have to claim HAP to rent a room so??? The fact she would indicates that indeed she would not be able to pay half. Again....we can only go on what she has said. She has not said she would work more to get a place with somebody, this could indeed be the case - I can’t read her mind, only her words.

CelticRambler

YellowLead wrote: »

Are you looking for somebody with a trust fund? Or would you like to travel back in time when women didn’t/couldn’t really have careers and a male breadwinner was the norm?

YellowLead wrote: »

she said she would have to rely on social welfare in order to move out....

Ah FFS YellowLead, would you give this whole benefit-scrounger-stay-at-home-princess-thing a rest now.

What the OP said was:

SinglePringle0736 wrote: »

Its better than paying unaffordable high rents as far as im concerned and I wouldnt feel ok signing on the housing list or accepting HAP while so many need it more than me.

Just because someone would qualify for benefits doesn't mean they need them (or should receive them); and the OP has clearly shown that she's perfectly capable of living without state handouts or some Prince Charming to pay for her beauty regime.

Neither has she ever said she wouldn't work any harder if she needed to. I'd run a mile from anyone with your obsession with work and money!

Now how about giving the poor girl :rolleyes: some useful suggestions to broaden her appeal instead ... ?

Apiarist

YellowLead wrote: »

Agree this is good advice. But it sounds from OP like she is doing all of this already.

Thanks! Is she doing stuff that allows/compels men to spend time with her though? She is involved with a charity, but what does it mean in practice? I have hobbies too, but I won't meet many potential dates when hillwalking in Mournes.

What I am thinking is that there is nothing wrong with the OP per se. She just needs to meet men in whatever setting and be assertive enough to not let a suitable person fade away. Relationships need work. There is no ideal soul mate who will love you from the first sight, not when you're past teenage years.

Airyfairy12

Reading through the post and the comments, I notice the most judgmental comments are from people who have their own homes and good jobs but are actually single themselves so maybe not the best people to be dishing out advice and judgy comments on why other people are single. It also proves a point that you can "have your sh!t together" and still be single.
Also, the OP said nothing about marriage or wanting to be 'kept' by someone. The judgmental and presumptuous comments directed at the OP are quite harsh in my opinion and are reflection of the people posting them, not the OP.
As for the casual/part time work in 'art acedamia' theres been a number of comments suggesting this means she has no work ethic and does minimal work.
Art acedemia could literally be lecturing in art colleges - its very difficult to get full time lecturing jobs and allot of lectuers are casual/part time.
She could be part time/casual subbing teaching art in secondary schools
She could be a curator working in different art galleries, again this is an area where is hard to pin down a job and can often mean casual/part time work.
She could work in adult education in Youthreach centers which again, is often casual/part time
Sometimes artists are paid by the arts council to go into schools, community centers, colleges & galleries giving art workshops, maybe shes doing this?
All of the jobs mentioned require strong work ethic, organisation, planning the ability to be mature and professional and in the long run all could lead to permanent very good paying jobs. Reading her post, I dont get the impression shes sitting at home living like a starving artist so chances are she has some kind of decent enough income, the problem with casual work is the income isnt always predictable. This causes problems if you have rent to pay but had a bad month work wise.

To answer the OP's question - no on can answer it because dating is subjective, I have a friend whos a primary teacher on 50k a year, with her own house whose single.
Ive a friend whos never worked a day in her life, had a house handed to her by her parents, lives like a princess and is engaged to a man who worships the ground she walks on.
Ive another friend whose an artist & has done a CE scheme but otherwise never worked really besides making paintings and shes in a relationship with a really nice man.
I know for me, when I use dating apps im actually put off men that own a home because it feels a bit like if things did progress we wouldnt rent or buy a house or apartment together, a place we both loved and both saw a future in, Id be moving into their home and no matter what it would never truly feel like ours. Something about someone being so secure when their single and childless puts me off as they have the freedom to do anything they like but choose not to, they choose total security. The mundaness and lonliness of that life would scare me to death and have me running for the hills. So each to their own.

Reading through your posts you mentioned shyness and introversion, if you dont meet lots of different people in a social environment and put yourself out there, you have very little chance of finding a partner and that goes for anyone regardless of the type of job they have or who they live with.

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

Indeed I don’t - but she said she would have to rely on social welfare in order to move out....i don’t think she would be granted welfare if she had sufficient earnings or a wad of decent savings.

Maybe not, but unless she specifically states on her dating profile that she would need HAP to move out, then I don't see how it's relevant to giving her constructive advice about meeting someone.

YellowLead

CelticRambler wrote: »

Ah FFS YellowLead, would you give this whole benefit-scrounger-stay-at-home-princess-thing a rest now.

What the OP said was:
Just because someone would qualify for benefits doesn't mean they need them (or should receive them); and the OP has clearly shown that she's perfectly capable of living without state handouts or some Prince Charming to pay for her beauty regime.

Neither has she ever said she wouldn't work any harder if she needed to. I'd run a mile from anyone with your obsession with work and money!

Now how about giving the poor girl :rolleyes: some useful suggestions to broaden her appeal instead ... ?

I’m not obsessed with work and money - I would merely like to buy my own house and leave the rental scene because it’s a killer. I don’t expect a man to buy a house for me, therefore work is necessary.

Others have posted, including several men, to say they would be put off by OPs choices so it’s not my imagination! She asked and we are just telling her what we find off putting. Not trying to be hurtful just helpful!

She sounds like a lovely person with lots of interests, some intelligence, who is a little shy. I wonder is she going for the wrong kind of men? She has said on the dating apps that men don’t make the effort to meet up. I’m on the apps too and anytime I match with somebody they are always dying to meet up and they do.

Perhaps OP is targeting men who don’t match her lifestyle? A small percentage of men get 80% of the swipes and therefore have a tonne of choice - they are going to pick somebody who is similar to them on a superficial level rather than putting work in to get to know OP. I would suggest OP looks carefully at the types of guys she is matching with. Be witty and engaging when they chat, flirt a little, and perhaps mention that the living at home/casual work thing is temporary so they don’t judge you based on it.

I’m not saying this is OP but I know people who only swipe on the most good looking folks with pictures of expensive hotel resorts in the background...and then wonder why they are having little luck.

YellowLead

Antares35 wrote: »

Maybe not, but unless she specifically states on her dating profile that she would need HAP to move out, then I don't see how it's relevant to giving her constructive advice about meeting someone.

She hasn’t said nobody swipes right. Just that they don’t make an effort to meet or if they do it’s just for sex. Unfortunately there is no magic radar to detect those kinds of men, but after time you do get a bit of a feel for it and certain profiles/early chats present red flags which can be an indicator. If OP mentions the casual nature of work is by choice in these early conversations it’s gonna fall flat if she is only swiping on high earners/ambitious men herself.

Airyfairy12

YellowLead wrote: »

I’m not obsessed with work and money - I would merely like to buy my own house and leave the rental scene because it’s a killer. I don’t expect a man to buy a house for me, therefore work is necessary.

Others have posted, including several men, to say they would be put off by OPs choices so it’s not my imagination! She asked and we are just telling her what we find off putting. Not trying to be hurtful just helpful!

She sounds like a lovely person with lots of interests, some intelligence, who is a little shy. I wonder is she going for the wrong kind of men? She has said on the dating apps that men don’t make the effort to meet up. I’m on the apps too and anytime I match with somebody they are always dying to meet up and they do.

Perhaps OP is targeting men who don’t match her lifestyle? A small percentage of men get 80% of the swipes and therefore have a tonne of choice - they are going to pick somebody who is similar to them on a superficial level rather than putting work in to get to know OP. I would suggest OP looks carefully at the types of guys she is matching with. Be witty and engaging when they chat, flirt a little, and perhaps mention that the living at home/casual work thing is temporary so they don’t judge you based on it.

Then why are you single? Through out this thread youve posted higher than though comments to the op about her life that you know nothing about and criticizing her, youre not just making 'helpful' suggestions, youre judging her life which is evident in your bitchy comments about her being a spoiled princess stuck in the 1950's waiting for a man to keep her. All assumptions that wearnt in her post at all.
If you know so much and are such a dating expert, you wouldnt be single yourself so maybe you dont know everything like you think you do.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Reading through your posts you mentioned shyness and introversion, if you dont meet lots of different people in a social environment and put yourself out there, you have very little chance of finding a partner and that goes for anyone regardless of the type of job they have or who they live with.

+1 on this advice.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Then why are you single? Through out this thread youve posted higher than though comments to the op about her life that you know nothing about and criticizing her, youre not just making 'helpful' suggestions, youre judging her life which is evident in your bitchy comments about her being a spoiled princess stuck in the 1950's waiting for a man to keep her. All assumptions that wearnt in her post at all.
If you know so much and are such a dating expert, you wouldnt be single yourself so maybe you dont know everything like you think you do.

I’m not always the best at articulating myself. I’m not trying to be judgemental or bitchy. I’ve said plenty of times more power to her and she shouldn’t change if she is happy with her situation - I’m just pointing out (as did lots of others) a lifestyle feature which could be off putting to some men (because she asked). I’m not saying it’s wrong!!!

I wonder why there is such defensiveness around this? It’s not meant in a judgemental way.

I’m single because I came out of a 17 year relationship less than a year ago and I have no desire to settle down any time soon. But I have coached many single friends over the years and am entitled to my opinion, as is everybody who posts here. I don’t appreciate the personal attack - I didn’t start a thread asking why I am single

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

She hasn’t said nobody swipes right. Just that they don’t make an effort to meet or if they do it’s just for sex. Unfortunately there is no magic radar to detect those kinds of men, but after time you do get a bit of a feel for it and certain profiles/early chats present red flags which can be an indicator. If OP mentions the casual nature of work is by choice in these early conversations it’s gonna fall flat if she is only swiping on high earners/ambitious men herself.

Ambitious men? And who divulges their salary on a dating website?

I don't know about the casual work thing tbh because I was in full time, permanent employment when I met my OH. But, it was also a shít job where I was undervalued and OH gave me the encouragement to put myself out there and within several months of dating him, I'd moved to a job with a 50percent increase.

Prior to that I was on half his take home pay, and I lived at home. He was in a house share, and obviously in a much better job, but he didn't look down on me for where I was, and certainly I never scrounged off him (if anything I was acutely aware of the disparity in our take home pay and made sure he never subsidised anything even though he's old fashioned in terms of thinking the guy should treat on dates ha).

Anyway now we are saving for our own house and we have more or less equal pay. Things change. People progress etc. OP won't be in her situation forever. I think it's a shallow person who judges a prospective partner based on take home pay etc.

Fol20

I think the entire thread appears to have side tracked from the OP's original question.

Casually working - I wouldnt be put off by a women in her early 30's living at home as long as its for the right reasons however like most people that have commented so far, if by choice, you are casually working would be a big turn off for me. Its not about the amount of money that would bug me but the perceived work ethic. The lack of ambition to work full time and live a "grown up" life and suit the norms that are instilled in us would go against my values. Eg if someone is not earning much but is working very hard, or someone is being efficient with their time and is still being fully independent, i would be ok with both. In your case, you appear to choose your passion however, it lacks security, drive to better yourself career wise. As others have mentioned, a creative type would better match your values so i would make sure you show this on your dating profile so you dont go on dates with the likes of me.

Maturity - In your 30's, independence would be very important for me. People at that age would generally be looking to settle down, have kids etc. Based on the way you have described yourself. It still seems like your not at that stage of your life given you want to live with your parents, be near your family etc. Only you can answer this but what is your maturity like?

Feedback - Ask your best friends to see if they have any opinions of your dating life - make sure they can talk frankly to you. If your girl friends have boyfriends, you could also ask for their impressions of you indirectly through your girlfriends > At least this way you will receive feedback from the opposite sex on areas you could improve to better your odds when you go on dates.

Shyness - Being shy can have its drawbacks but is not a deal breaker. Im shy myself and i prefer to be with other shy people like myself. You have loads of hobbies so you should be able to talk once you start opening up. I would also see if you can join something where both sexes take part to see if you can naturally talk to men. Charities as you mentioned might be one or tag rugby would be another.

Numbers game - I think the key point here is how often do you put yourself out there? Are you trying to date every week, once a month, once a year? There is someone out there for everyone and its a numbers game > the more you go on the dates the better your odds are of meeting MR right. Its daunting, emotionally draining but put in the work and you will eventually get there and meet a man that suits your values in life.

Airyfairy12

YellowLead wrote: »

I’m just not the best at articulating myself. I’m not trying to be judgemental or bitchy. I’ve said plenty of times more power to her and she shouldn’t change if she is happy with her situation - I’m just pointing out (as did lots of others) a lifestyle feature which could be off putting to some men (because she asked). I’m not saying it’s wrong!!!

I wonder why there is such defensiveness around this? It’s not meant in a judgemental way.

I’m single because I came out of a 17 year relationship less than a year ago and I have no desire to settle down any time soon. But I have coached many single friends over the years and am entitled to my opinion, as is everybody who posts here. I don’t appreciate the personal attack - I didn’t start a thread asking why I am single

Whether or not you mean to come across as bitchy and judgmental isnt the point, you are coming across that way. You are saying mean things then backing down and saying you cant articulate yourself almost like youre looking for sympathy or something.
Something about her lifestyle grates on you and youre taking that frustration out on this thread.
As others mentioned, people progress, whose to say where the OP will be in 5 years time.

LLMMLL

I'd agree with an earlier poster. It's all about luck.

The dating apps are full to the brim with guys who have no intention of settling down or who have some dodgy issues. You have to be lucky to get one of the guys who are on there ready to commit.

You're just going to have to keep playing the numbers game and also maybe examine is there a pattern to your own responses when you meet a nice guy and you feel "there's no spark". You may be rejecting perfectly suitable guys for a not great reason.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Whether or not you mean to come across as bitchy and judgmental isnt the point, you are coming across that way. You are saying mean things then backing down and saying you cant articulate yourself almost like youre looking for sympathy or something.
Something about her lifestyle grates on you and youre taking that frustration out on this thread.
As others mentioned, people progress, whose to say where the OP will be in 5 years time.

I must be taking her up wrong because it doesn’t seem like she is working towards or wants to change her situation, she seems happy out as she is and fair play!
I have genuinely tried (and failed obviously) to say what I want to say without coming across as bitchy. I basically meant to say what Fol20 has said - he articulated things better.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Okay that's enough general discussion - you're supposed to have constructive advice addressed to the OP when you post. The OP is the focus of the thread and repeatedly talking about the OP in the 3rd person rather than to the OP is bad form in PI.

Off topic posts will be deleted going forward.

Thanks