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Child Item

Daughter Invited Boy Over

LegacyUser

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in sixth year. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from 6th year every Saturday in Dundrum Shopping Centre and left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house down in Wexford (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

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Duke of Url

As my mother used to say ...” Not under my roof “:pac:

Dial Hard

screamer wrote: »

my God, i dont get half the replies on here, if my daughter did that at 17 I'd be disgusted with her for a lack of respect for herself. No way a 17 year old should be bringing home hook ups from tinder, ridiculous. None of us can comment on your parenting, you know your daughter best, but i dint envy you that situation to deal with.

He wasn't a random "hook up from Tinder", they'd been seeing each other for months by the sounds of things.

And lack of respect for herself? For wanting to sleep with her boyfriend when both are of age and doing it in the safest environment possible??? Please.

lulublue22

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Of course you don't become an adult overnight. That is not the point.

The point is ..she doesn't have ANY respect for her parents or the fac that THEY OWN THIS HOUSE ..they pay for her shopping trips to dundrum.

She treated them like clowns.

They bought her phone.

If she is an adult she can buy her own phone and pay her own internet bills now or overnight at 18 can't she?

But she isn't ....she is letting THEM pay all this....so the boundary from child to adult isn't as simply as having raging hormones is it?

Being an adult isn't being able to have sex. Its having a job...paying your own bills and living somewhere else so you have your own place to bring your boyfriend.

She in ungrateful...disrespectful ...and just didn't behave very nice tbh.

If she is going to treat the people who gave her all that in this way ...maybe she does want to be treated like a adult. And she can buy her own phone.

But the truth is she isn't an adult. In fact she sounds immature and quite frankly ..a little spoiled.

I mean if she was living with flatmates and slept and had sex in THEIR bed ...they would be rightly livid.

Also flatmates arent going to say to her ..hey have your bf over whenever ...they would set limits. Some nights you can't have partners over.

She isn't an adult ..she is living in a teenage dream world.

I have no idea how the daughter doesn’t have ANY respect or THAT THEY OWN THIS HOUSE or pay for her shopping trips to dundrum mean that she is some how immune from engaging in typical teenage behaviour. You will note that posters are not condoning the daughter having sex in the parents bed but rather indicating that there are other more practical ways to deal with the situation rathe than a knee jerk over reaction.
As an aside I may own my house but it happens to be my children's home including my 18 year old. A home is much more than who pays the mortgage on the house.
It’s clear that we have very different understanding of teenagers and young adults so I think it’s best if we leave it there rather than continue to derail this thread.

ILoveYourVibes

lulublue22 wrote: »

I have no idea how the daughter doesn’t have ANY respect or THAT THEY OWN THIS HOUSE or pay for her shopping trips to dundrum mean that she is some how immune from engaging in typical teenage behaviour. You will note that posters are not condoning the daughter having sex in the parents bed but rather indicating that there are other more practical ways to deal with the situation rathe than a knee jerk over reaction.
As an aside I may own my house but it happens to be my children's home including my 18 year old. A home is much more than who pays the mortgage on the house.
It’s clear that we have very different understanding of teenagers and young adults so I think it’s best if we leave it there rather than continue to derail this thread.

We arent derailing the thread. We are taking about the very issue itself.

Teens need rules and boundaries.

Its not like she is 25 living at home. Because a 25 yr old would have handled this very differently.

Also ..parents need time to get used to having this strange person over in their house etc. They need to get to know him.

ted1

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If she is an adult she can move our of her parents house and then do what she likes ...problem solved.

So you’d put your daughter out on the street for having sex while you are off galavanting around the country during a national lockdown?

lulublue22

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

We arent derailing the thread. We are taking about the very issue itself.

Teens need rules and boundaries.

Its not like she is 25 living at home. Because a 25 yr old would have handled this very differently.

Nobody said she didn’t need rules or boundaries ! At 17 she is a young adult who needs guidance and direction in a different way to a younger teen. Nobody is indicating that she has carte blanche to behave how she likes and it is clear from the OP that she is generally dependable and well behaved. There is no need to go off the deep end and handle the situation poorly because she did something that the patents are unhappy with. The main issue is that the OP is treating her as a younger teen and is not in my opinion giving her the tools and strategies needed to allow her to develop good decision making skills.

ILoveYourVibes

lulublue22 wrote: »

Nobody said she didn’t need rules or boundaries ! At 17 she is a young adult who needs guidance and direction in a different way to a younger teen. Nobody is indicating that she has carte blanche to behave how she likes and it is clear from the OP that she is generally dependable and well behaved. There is no need to go off the deep end and handle the situation poorly because she did something that the patents are unhappy with. The main issue is that the OP is treating her as a younger teen and is not in my opinion giving her the tools and strategies needed to allow her to develop good decision making skills.

Ok i misunderstood where you were coming from then.

I agree with this. I also understand diff families have diff dynamics.

So i guess i was trusting the OP knew the dynamics of their house because they chose the punishment. But diff parents deal with things diff.

I wouldn't say the OP should go laying down someone else's rules. They have to do what they feel comfortable with as a parent.

There are choices and diff valid parenting styles. Its not one good one bad etc.

Princess Calla

ted1 wrote: »

So you’d put your daughter out on the street for having sex while you are off galavanting around the country during a national lockdown?

It's ironic isn't it....if the parents followed the rules and acted like responsible adults , the daughter wouldn't have been able to break the rules and act like a teenager.

punisher5112

May I suggest getting a ring doorbell or similar, few WiFi cams and possibly lock your room from now on... Shouldn't have to but the trust is gone.
And not to spy by the way I have them buy for security and peace of mind.

I would be getting her to work part time instead of giving her €20 to go out especially the last number of months with everything going on.

I was working at 15 and shops are crying for part time workers at the minute.

She is going to most likely go off drinking in a field and meeting up again and sex too.

I'd definitely wouldn't be leaving her the free run of the house until you can trust her again.

Sit down talk, listen and don't get heated or angry, you don't want her to rebel against you both and then end up worse off.

BryanMartin21

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

For having sex in her parents bed.

Also she is NOT an adult ..the day of her 18th birthday she becomes an adult. Until midnight that night ...she is their child.

Rules are rules.

Toxic parent alert.

OP this poster's attitude is exactly the attitude to drive your daughter to continue to hide things from you and when she goes off to college and moves out, you can be sure she won't be calling you up to tell you about your life. It's a choice you have to make; accept her and talk with her or bury your head in the sand.

[Deleted User]

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If she is an adult she can move our of her parents house and then do what she likes ...problem solved.

While she may not be an adult, she is a young adult. And legally allowed to have sex.
You sound like you're from the 50s

lulublue22

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Ok i misunderstood where you were coming from then.

I agree with this. I also understand diff families have diff dynamics.

So i guess i was trusting the OP knew the dynamics of their house because they chose the punishment. But diff parents deal with things diff.

I wouldn't say the OP should go laying down someone else's rules. They have to do what they feel comfortable with as a parent.

There are choices and diff valid parenting styles. Its not one good one bad etc.

If you post looking for advice that is what you will get - If the OP was confident happy with her decision she wouldn’t have posted looking for opinions. No one said raising teenagers is easy and no one has all the answers. Ive given my perspective at the end of the day it’s the OP’s decision on how she raises her children.

Princess Calla

punisher5112 wrote: »

May I suggest getting a ring doorbell or similar, few WiFi cams and possibly lock your room from now on... Shouldn't have to but the trust is gone.
And not to spy by the way I have them buy for security and peace of mind.

I would be getting her to work part time instead of giving her €20 to go out especially the last number of months with everything going on.

I was working at 15 and shops are crying for part time workers at the minute.

She is going to most likely go off drinking in a field and meeting up again and sex too.

I'd definitely wouldn't be leaving her the free run of the house until you can trust her again.

Sit down talk, listen and don't get heated or angry, you don't want her to rebel against you both and then end up worse off.

Oh my God, if you have to spy on your pretty much adult children you have totally failed at parenting.

She's a good kid that had sex in a free gaff.

I do wonder about what kind of teenage years some people had.

Tig98

She can either do it in front of you or do it behind you. From my point of view as a man in his early 20s that was a much more wholesome first time than me or most my friends were afforded.

Sit her down and tell her not to do it in your bedroom again, and that it was very inconsiderate. Give her the safe sex talk etc and generally empower her, be on her side. Dont take away her freedoms.

ILoveYourVibes

OP...

She has a bf .....you need to make sure that to an extent this is on your terms.

Forget covid for a mo...

Talk to her ..ask to meet him...tell her you hav lost trust for her and she needs to regain it ..that if she wants him up at the house ...she needs to demonstrate maturity ...she needs to ask can he stay over ....and tell her sometimes you will say yes ...and sometimes you will say no. That she needs to understand this. That way you can monitor how it goes.

I would also talk to her about contraception safe sex and the pill.

Also i would ask her not to drink too much when he stays over. (idea behind this being ..they are going to drink in fields but just put it in her head drinking and sex don't mix) further note on drinking and fields ....its freezing right now ..its a great deterrent.

Also tell her she has to keep it in her room ...teach her some manners.

SusieBlue

Taking her phone and punishing her was an extremely cruel over reaction to something that you will have absolutely no control over in a few months time, OP.

I actually feel a bit heartbroken for your daughter, a girl who has given you no trouble over the years and who has struggled socially and with isolation from her peers, a girl who doesn’t have many friends.
She finally meets someone she likes, who clearly respects and enjoys her company, basically her only social outlet... And when you find out about it, you do everything in your power to put a stop to it.
She must feel so ashamed of herself (for no reason) after how you have treated her.
How sad for her that after having a positive and respectful experience of losing her virginity, it was her mother, and not the boyfriend, who turned it into something negative and spoiled what is a defining moment in her life.

She’s clearly not a devious little hooligan if she wasn’t even street smart enough not to throw the cans into a different bin, and she crumbled and confessed as soon as you started interrogating her.
That to me does not indicate some sort of wild problem child behaviour. If she was that off the rails you probably wouldn’t even know he had been in the house because she would have been sly enough not to leave any evidence.
She actually sounds like a very innocent girl who didn’t want to disappoint you because she knew you wouldn’t approve.
I don’t disagree that it was wrong to do it in your bed, but it just shows how poorly thought out all this was. She never meant to hurt you.

If you make it hard for her to see her boyfriend I can guarantee you that she will never forgive you and she will hold you responsible if they break up. This could damage your relationship with her forever.

You need to think long and hard about how you proceed here. So you ground her (after she has spent most of the year stuck at home), take her phone (further isolating a young girl who by your own admission struggles socially) and get her to break up with the only person she cares about and wants to spend time with.
Do you really think that’s a successful outcome and a parenting win on your part?

Teach30

There are varying degrees of maturity when it comes to 17year olds and only you as a parent can decided whether her actions were out of character for her or not. Posters telling you you are too strict - I wouldn’t agree. Unless she is very mature, at that age they will find it difficult to juggle relationships and school Work and I know which I would tell her to focus on.

I agree with withdrawing privileges, if she was caught with her phone in school it would be confiscated. She needs to earn your respect back.
Ignore those that say 17 years old are going to be at this... they’re not. I would contact the school
And question how has she been coping the last few months, has she been to the school counsellor etc. Talk to her year head and she how things are, information like this (family issues) may be useful for her school to know as well to cut her some slack.

Talking on tinder at that age is a warning sign for someone looking for attention. Tell her to cop on and concentrate on school work. House rules were broken and you need to set clear boundaries now. Her actions were way out of line, no matter what age.

I feel she was scared after the whole ordeal, she knew she was wrong yet trusts you enough to tell you. That itself shows she wants help to deal with the situation, imagine all the emotions she is now experiencing after that ordeal.

Best of luck in dealing with it. At 17 she still deserves and needs to be guided, she might be a young adult but is still under your care and needs structure.

SusieBlue

17 year olds sexually experimenting is completely normal and very common. So is online dating.
There is nothing to be ashamed about having a consensual and respectful encounter with a boy she likes.

[Deleted User]

Teach30 wrote: »

Ignore those that say 17 years old are going to be at this... they’re not.

They absolutely are! They were at it when I was 17 & I am 45 Now.

Also, times change, youngsters nowadays do everything online. It's a perfectly acceptable way to meet friends or boyfriends / girlfriends.

Caranica

bubblypop wrote: »

They absolutely are! They were at it when I was 17 & I am 45 Now.

Also, times change, youngsters nowadays do everything online. It's a perfectly acceptable way to meet friends or boyfriends / girlfriends.

Precisely, and much younger than 17 too. A good friend is a secondary school teacher in a very middle class area. Every year they have 3-5 pregnancies amongst first years.

OP, again I'll say you're so fortunate that sex is only becoming an issue now at 17.

Teach30

Caranica wrote: »

Precisely, and much younger than 17 too. A good friend is a secondary school teacher in a very middle class area. Every year they have 3-5 pregnancies amongst first years.

OP, again I'll say you're so fortunate that sex is only becoming an issue now at 17.

I teach this age group this very topic. As much as people like to think that they are, in my experience they’re not. Maybe it’s just the teens we have but teen pregnancies are extremely uncommon. Tinder for that age group not popular amongst our cohort, vsco or Instagram maybe for dms etc. Girls also definitely still look down on those who are sleeping around or are just having sex to show off/get attention.
Definitely depends where you live though I can’t talk for city schools or socially deprived areas where it can be vastly different.

Airyfairy12

In your post, to me you come across as a controlling parent. Children that are overly controlled by parents have difficulties socially, find it much harder to transition into adulthood, have trouble setting personal limits and boundaries, they have confidence and self esteem issues and are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety disorders. I have no doubt you love your daughter and want whats best for her but controlling her will only back fire.

Also, controlling your daughter will likely only cause her to rebel, when kids rebel they can put themselves into very vulnerable situations. For a teenager going behind a parents back and doing something they know they shouldnt be doing it can give them a feeling of autonomy and control. Theres a saying that controlling parents make sneaky children and its true, your daughter is rebelling. Now theres nothing wrong with her having sex but going by her having sex with him on your bed, that sounds quite rebellious to me.

The lack of communication you have with your daughter is worrying, sex is normal, drinking is also normal she shoudnt have to hide these things from you.
I agree with previous posts, taking away her phone and internet for having a boyfriend, a few beers and having sex is totally wrong on your part.

Rubberchikken

Maybe drinking is normal according to some posts but it's not legal at 17. Irrespective of the fact she was drinking at home, did she purchase it? Did he?

Yes she might be legal with regards to sex with an 18 yo but meeting him on tinder doesn't seem the safest thing to do at her age and otherwise alone in her house for a weekend.

Op you need to be open with her.
You said in your original post that other girls find her 'weird', so is she likely to settle for just anyone rather than make friends and form relationships in the real world.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You were probably shocked and upset. just talk with her.

babynice

I’m in my mid twenties now and I would have done similar to this a few years ago with my boyfriend (who I am still with). Like this girl I never felt that I could confide in my mother about any boys I was meeting or my eventual boyfriend until it became serious.

My mother often overreacted to situations when I was younger and to this day I hide a lot of things that go on in my life from her. Honestly I find it very stressful and would love to have been able to go to my mother for advice throughout the years (I might have saved myself a lot of hassle). I know you must be annoyed OP but for your daughter’s sake don’t make her too paranoid to let you be part of her life.

eviltwin

Teach30 wrote: »

I teach this age group this very topic. As much as people like to think that they are, in my experience they’re not. Maybe it’s just the teens we have but teen pregnancies are extremely uncommon. Tinder for that age group not popular amongst our cohort, vsco or Instagram maybe for dms etc. Girls also definitely still look down on those who are sleeping around or are just having sex to show off/get attention.
Definitely depends where you live though I can’t talk for city schools or socially deprived areas where it can be vastly different.

No offence but as a teacher you are hardly going to be privy to the inner workings of your students sex lives. You also can’t judge sex habits based on the rates of teenage pregnancies which has been steadily declining over the years because of better access to contraception etc.

Young people have sex. They did when I was a teen 30 years age and they do now. What they need is a sex positive parent who doesn’t get embarrassed or is in denial about it to have a mature discussion around it before their child becomes sexually active.

There is no reason why you should look down on a 17 year old who is having sex. It has nothing to do with where they live. I feel sorry for your students if you are promoting that kind of judgmental attitude.

punisher5112

Princess Calla wrote: »

Oh my God, if you have to spy on your pretty much adult children you have totally failed at parenting.

She's a good kid that had sex in a free gaff.

I do wonder about what kind of teenage years some people had.

Nothing about spying, the child lied....

They were all wrong anyway, leaving the county and meeting up in pandemic etc etc....

Seriously she didn't even change the bed after the 2 of them been in it.... Funny thing is if she had done it in hers they'd never have known....

Always always use a neighbour's bin to get rid of the cans.

[Deleted User]

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Maybe drinking is normal according to some posts but it's not legal at 17. /quote]

Yes it is.

Gruffalux

Kids! They would dement you. And no manual supplied either.

Give her back her phone OP. Otherwise you are torturing her in these modern times. Get her to do a few annoying jobs like cleaning the fridge or washing the bath for lying to you.

Tell her not to use your bed. The only thing worse than parent slobber is teenage hormonal ooze. No one wants that on their sheets!

Then have the chat about safe sex, respecting and valuing herself, drinking carefully, and after that let it go.

You can if you want hold the line about them not blatantly having sex in your house until they are adults. This might be appropriate if for example you have younger children. The whole sex positive thing is grand but you are not there to towel them down and keep their strength up for another round - you are their parent. You can have parental rules and if they have to shag in the barn for a while, so be it.

ted1

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Maybe drinking is normal according to some posts but it's not legal at 17. .

It’s not illegal to drink at home when under 18.

Teach30

eviltwin wrote: »

No offence but as a teacher you are hardly going to be privy to the inner workings of your students sex lives.

There is no reason why you should look down on a 17 year old who is having sex. It has nothing to do with where they live. I feel sorry for your students if you are promoting that kind of judgmental attitude.

Have you experience of teaching this area to this age group yourself? They’re surprisingly open about what they tell. Guidance counsellor also a good starting point for general information.

Also you might want to re - read what I said, no idea where you got the “judgemental attitude” part from. I said other girls look down on each other, didn’t say I did. That’s my teaching experience of it. Try to to misinterpret what people say.

Regardless, at 17 she shouldn’t have carried on that way. Any decent parent would remove phone and privileges. Now you need to talk it out with her.