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Child Item

Daughter Invited Boy Over

LegacyUser

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in sixth year. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from 6th year every Saturday in Dundrum Shopping Centre and left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house down in Wexford (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

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ted1

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

Op, talking to your daughter as an adult and discussion consequences about these issues she is having would be more productive than totally cutting her off. perhaps limit what she can access by blocking apps such as tinder with parental locks/programs. Also maybe your daughter needs some more professional help from a self esteem aspect and a counselor could help here.. That aside i would be concerned about the following.

- Yes your daughter is age of consent, however there needs to be an sti check and check for pregnancy in week or 2 to rule out any concerns there.
- I would be reporting this guy to the guards for providing alcohol to a minor as your daughter cannot legally consent to having that under 18 years old and it MAY have influenced the first point about sexual consent.
- Covid concerns, i would be doing a fair bit of disinfecting and cleaning as a precaution this guy brought over more than a few cans.

Worse advice ever. The daughter is 17 and can have consensual sex for enjoyment. Unless the majority of the over 16 population needs help I don’t think the daughter needs help.

Do you have an STI check or pregnancy test after each time you have sex?

The OP. Has stated the daughter wanted to have sex but had no where to go. So Alcohol wasn’t a factor.

The parents should be the ones tested for Covid. The are the ones who broke Covid rules.

If you want to get the police involved the parents would be in more trouble as would their friends who hosted their dirty weekend

The daughter is 17, over the age of consent

LegacyUser

You say she broke down - she has been caught red handed - did something she knows she probably shouldn't have done and probably feels terrible for not getting away with it.

The fact that she broke down indicates that she accepts she did wrong. So what more do you want? If she was defiantly refusing to accept that she did anything wrong and was defiantly fighting you on this I could understand you seeking advice on what else to do; but why do you want to do any more than you already have? She's down, there is no need to keep kicking her, and to be honest I think you should give her back her phone.

By the way; her having sex - not a problem. The circumstances surrounding how and where it happened are where she went wrong and where lines were crossed. As for having sex, she is legally free to do so and if it wasn't in your home it would have happened elsewhere, it was only a matter of time.

I honestly think you are overreacting. You need to accept some responsibility too by the way; regardless of the rights/wrongs of breaking the guidelines (different discussion entirely, I accept that people are free to break or obey the guidelines as they see fit) if you didn't break the guidelines then this whole episode wouldn't have happened in the first place. There would have been no free house.

Dial Hard

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

- Yes your daughter is age of consent, however there needs to be an sti check and check for pregnancy in week or 2 to rule out any concerns there.
- I would be reporting this guy to the guards for providing alcohol to a minor as your daughter cannot legally consent to having that under 18 years old and it MAY have influenced the first point about sexual consent.
- Covid concerns, i would be doing a fair bit of disinfecting and cleaning as a precaution this guy brought over more than a few cans.

The OP has already completely overreacted, following your suggestions would be akin to throwing a can of petrol onto a chip pan fire.

There is absolutely no need for the daughter to be put through the embarrassment of an STI and pregnancy test unless there is some indication that they didn't use contraception or that it failed.

Likewise, reporting the chap to the Gardai for bringing over a few cans is beyond ludicrous. There's nothing in the OP's post to suggest the daughter drank any of the beer and even if she did, the Gardai are literally not going to care one iota about a 17 year old drinking in a private home. The OP would be the laughing stock of the station.

And as for Covid concerns, it doesn't sound like the OP is too worried about that, given their own behaviour.

I suspect this is one of those threads where we never see hide nor hair of the OP again but if you are still reading, OP, I hope you take on board the advice you've been given about having an actual conversation with your daughter and treating her like the young adult she is.

May I ask, are you American, by any chance? A couple of things in your OP would suggest you may be and if so, there may be some cultural issues at play here, the US tends to be a lot more conservative about both sex and alcohol than most European countries. If so, it might explain why you reacted the way you did but it doesn't change the fact that you need to fundamentally shift the way you treat your daughter.

Jequ0n

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

So if someone underage shares drugs with someone underage that shouldn't be reported either as "sure way to ruin a lot of things for a lot of people in one go"?

Condoms break and not all sti are protected from by condoms. Its called precaution.

That crass comment on fgm is bs, I never said she is not entitled to have sex or enjoy it, i even commented she is of age to consent, grow the hell up with rubbish statement.

Of course the comment was exaggerated bs, just as your whole post. Pity you didn’t get the sarcasm

Big Bag of Chips

Jequ0n and Sour Lemonz, comments such as "grow the hell up" and "get a life" fall below the standard of posting expected in PI.

All posters are asked to offer mature, constructive, civil advice. If you cannot manage that we ask that you not post.

Petty disagreements are not helpful to the OP.

[Deleted User]

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

- I would be reporting this guy to the guards for providing alcohol to a minor as your daughter cannot legally consent to having that under 18 years old and it MAY have influenced the first point about sexual consent.

Well, this here is rubbish. There is no law prohibiting a 17 year old from drinking alcohol. No such thing as 'consent' when it comes to drinking. Also, the boyfriend did not do anything wrong, even if he bought it for her, because it was for consumption in a private residence.

[Deleted User]

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

So if someone underage shares drugs with someone underage that shouldn't be reported either as "sure way to ruin a lot of things for a lot of people in one go"?

Drugs are illegal, no matter what age the user is........

cannotlogin

There's a lot in your post.

1. The most important thing is your daughter's safety. Use the opportunity to talk (not lecture or criticise) in terms of contraception, safe sex, pressure, etc. recommend the pill as well as condoms. Whether you like it or not, she's at an age where she is sexually active, is at the age of consent and is close to being a legal adult

2. The second thing is tinder. You can't stop her but just have the chat about safety, knowing people properly and just ask that she is cautious. Banning her or anything else won't help so take the inclusive approach. Make sure she feels comfortable confiding in you about any situation she finds herself in and tell her you'll help her rather than punish her. The worst thing that could happen is having a daughter than cannot come to you if she needs help or guidance for fear of retribution or punishment.

3. Drinking. Again, she's nearly an adult. Discuss knowing her limits, a few cans verses multiple shots etc. Once she's not drinking to excess there's very little you can or need to go here.

4. Your Bed - not ideal but a much safer and classier option that an alley way, toilet, car, etc. In the grand scheme of things, if this the worst thing she does I would just tell her you would prefer it not to happen again.

5. Appropriate punishment - the harder you come down on her, the more she will keep from you, rebell against you, feel isolated etc. Treat her like an adult, she nearly is one and maintain the lines of communication.

6. Your apology. I think if you apologise to her for overreacting and let her know that it was only because you want her to be safe etc. that it would go along way in repairing things

Your priority should be your relationship and her safety. If she ever finds herself in difficult situation,whether it relates to boys, drinking, mental health etc, you want to be the person she comes to whatever the circumstance. She won't if she's not treated maturely, with respect and doesn't feel she can talk to you.

afkasurfjunkie

Am I the only one who finds the parent’s bed issue a bit odd. What was wrong with her own room? I snuck a boyfriend in, years ago. No way would have we used my parents bed.
I think there was more than one couple using the house at the weekend and your daughter just gave you enough information to save telling the entire story.

eviltwin

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Am I the only one who finds the parent’s bed issue a bit odd. What was wrong with her own room? I snuck a boyfriend in, years ago. No way would have we used my parents bed.
I think there was more than one couple using the house at the weekend and your daughter just gave you enough information to save telling the entire story.

Bigger bed, more space

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

I think your reaction and punishment were born of shock at finding out that your daughter had a secret bf all along. If you had your suspicions, you may not have flown off the handle as much.
I agree, the fact that she was hiding him all along shows she lacks a trust in you so I'd suggest sitting her down and chatting adult to adult about this boy. Ask what she likes about him, what his hobbies are etc. Show interest in him and what attracts her to him. Open up the communication.
Apologise for losing your cool but stress that using your bed is very disrespectful and that you were hurt she was sneaking behind your back.
Definitely talk to her re contraception and STIs, most importantly but maybe if she sees you showing an interest in this boy, you might suggest inviting him over some day for his dinner so you can get to know him. I think that's a fair compromise for you respecting her decisions, because yes she is 17, but she is still your daughter and under 18, under your roof so it's no harm to meet this boy to see in fact that he is 18 and he is a decent chap.
I do think 17 is a bit young for Tinder too purely from a safety aspect but hopefully she was cautious on it.

openup

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP here. Regardless of what you know or don't know about young people, finding out your own child has had sex must come as a massive shock, even if they are an appropriate age. I also don't think the bed thing is a big deal - grim, obviously, but also normal enough for young people with single beds (did the same when I was younger).

The big deal here is the breach of trust... sort of. I think you did the right thing by punishing her. She'd been lying to you for months and taking your money too! So I think the punishment is fair but I also think I wouldn't worry about it because it's normal behaviour. Especially with stricter parents. She was hardly going to come home and say "me and this lad I've met on Tinder want to get drunk and have sex, is that ok?" But sex, drinking, boys and breaking rules are all normal parts of being a teenager. The more she does of it now the less likely she is to go off the rails in a year or two when you've no control.

Once things have cooled off I would sit her down and make sure she's being safe. Explain that you're shocked by what's happened (maybe even that you think she's too young) but you hope she really likes the boy and that he's really nice. It's understandable if you don't want them to have se in your home but I would ban them from seeing eachother and if it's a serious relationship I'd even suggest he come over for dinner or something like that. I would make sure she knows you're upset over the breach of trust and using your bed but that you understand she's growing up and you don't want there to be any big secrets between you.

[Deleted User]

In any other time period phone and internet privileges are normal punishments for kids acting out.

But during COVID, phone and internet is the only social outlet a lot of people have. The OP said the daughter doesn't have many friends at school.

Please give her back her phone OP, it might be her only connection to anyone right now.

ILoveYourVibes

OP I think you need to realize your Daughter isn't very sensible and didn't think this through. I mean she wasn't even smart enough to hide what she had done well enough.

And she is with a guy who chose to do this in your home without talking to you.

It concerns me that she never told you she even had a boyfriend.

That leads me to believe she thinks you would not approve of him. And well ...it would make me ask what is wrong with him?

I would ask your daughter that.....so ..' what is wrong with him that you never told us about him?'

I would also ask her why she never thought about asking you could he even come over ?

I would tell her if she is determined to have this boyfriend ..that you as a parent need to get to know him gradually.

I would ALSO tell HIM ...you are disappointed in the way he chose to go about this.

From there on in i WOULD get to know the boyfriend ...and have him over to the house. (WHEN COVID ALLOWS)

I would also make sure she is using contraception ..suggest the pill etc ..and make sure she gets some cop on.

If they wish to have a sexual relationship ..you can't stop them...but your bed ...that is not on.

tell her she is going to have to ASK if he can stay over ..and you will say NO some nights ..and maybe YES some nights. But he has to stay in HER room .

I would only allow him to stay over maybe every couple of weeks at first.

See how it goes.

But tell her you need to get to know him first ...meet him and spend time as parents etc.

Then when she has earned trust ..she ask again and talk about him staying over sometimes. But she has to understand sometimes you will say no.

ILoveYourVibes

true-or-false wrote: »

Please give her back her phone OP, it might be her only connection to anyone right now.

That is the point. It is a punishment.

Also it stops her talking to HIM right now....and gives her time to for her feelings to calm down.

It won't be forever ..i presume a week or two weeks at most. She has her family to talk to and they NEED to talk right now.

Princess Calla

John Hutton wrote: »

Lets leave aside the Covid stuff for now...

I don't know what sort of homes most of the posters here grew up in, but my parents would have went mad at me if I had friends over for underage drinking without asking when they were away. I think I would have been murdered if I went a step further and had a girl over at 17 and rode her in my own bed, never mind in their bed!!!! Nor would I have thought my parents unreasonable.

Nope I would have been murdered too

That doesn't mean it didn't happen, I was just very careful not to leave any evidence

I remember a couple of girls in school whose mum's had them on the pill for contraception and it was a "scandal" that the parents were ok with them being sexually active.

However attitude to sex has come along way since I was a teenager. There's no point in trying to pretend 17 yr olds aren't sexually active.

Personally I hope to have an open relationship with my kids, I don't want to be their best friend, but I do want trust and respect working both ways.

I would rather them to have a partner in their own room (my room completely out of bounds) and be safe and comfortable rather than in a field/alley etc.

The whole area of consent scares me(in a "buyer's remorse way"), and I think if they are at home they are safer. I certainly don't want them in a situation where both parties were equally wanting it ,but the partners parents found out, went ballistic and now the guards are at the door. There's already a poster here saying go to the guards.

Obviously there'd be boundaries on what's acceptable etc

[Deleted User]

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

That is the point. It is a punishment.

Also it stops her talking to HIM right now....and gives her time to for her feelings to calm down.

It won't be forever ..i presume a week or two weeks at most. She has her family to talk to and they NEED to talk right now.

Jaysis, the daughter is 17, who punishes a 17 year old?! She's basically a grown adult.
Deal with it like she's an adult, not punish her like she's a child.

Jequ0n

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

That is the point. It is a punishment.

Also it stops her talking to HIM right now....and gives her time to for her feelings to calm down.

It won't be forever ..i presume a week or two weeks at most. She has her family to talk to and they NEED to talk right now.

But he is not the problem.
The trust/ communication issues between parents and child are the issue.

No crime has been committed (apart from some riddles bedsheets if that counts). You could argue that this was bound to happen at some stage and that at least things can improve now.

lulublue22

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

That is the point. It is a punishment.

Also it stops her talking to HIM right now....and gives her time to for her feelings to calm down.

It won't be forever ..i presume a week or two weeks at most. She has her family to talk to and they NEED to talk right now.

A punishment for what exactly ? being a young adult who is experimenting with growing up. She is of the age of consent for god’s sake not a 13 year old out of control. As a parent our job is to enable our children to mature into fully functioning adults. Treating older teenagers as if they are children is not the way to promote good decision making and choices. I’ve no idea why you are highlighting HIM either - there is nothing in the original post to indicate that he is anything other than a normal teenager.

OP - I know it can be a shock to realise that our children have developed into young adults but that is exactly what your daughter is. And a good / well behaved one at that. Yes having sex in your bed is not ok but she made a sensible choice to have sex at home. It seems she was meeting this boy for a number of weeks so not a random spur of the moment thing either. In my experience the key to the teenage years is open communication. You need to build the lines of communication with your daughter. It’s a tough enough time as is with out feeling you can’t talk things through / seek advice. It seems from your post that your daughter has very little social interaction with her peers - she needs you to bounce ideas off , give support and just be there for her more than ever. Poor girl must be feeling very isolated at the moment. I would give her back her phone pronto. I would be concerned about you not knowing where she is ie she says she is in dundrum with friends but was with the boyfriend. You need to allow her the freedom to make choices ( within reason) but to instil the understanding that you need her to be honest about where she is and who she is with for her own safety. I really think you need to start working on this now - creating an environment of trust on both sides.

ILoveYourVibes

lulublue22 wrote: »

A punishment for what exactly ? being a young adult who is experimenting with growing up. .

For having sex in her parents bed.

Also she is NOT an adult ..the day of her 18th birthday she becomes an adult. Until midnight that night ...she is their child.

Rules are rules.

eviltwin

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

For having sex in her parents bed.

Also she is NOT an adult ..the day of her 18th birthday she becomes an adult. Until midnight that night ...she is their child.

Rules are rules.

She shouldn’t have had sex in her parents bed but punishing her for it is ridiculous. And although she’s not legally an adult she will be within a year. The way to deal with this is talking about it, having a reasonable discussion. Young people have sex and it’s a parents job to discuss this and take the lead. Awkward and all as that is.

lulublue22

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

For having sex in her parents bed.

Also she is NOT an adult ..the day of her 18th birthday she becomes an adult. Until midnight that night ...she is their child.

Rules are rules.

Of course at midnight on that fabled night she magically metamorphisms into an ADULT just like that ! Well able to make good decisions and choices just like that ! All teenagers need guidance and direction and a chance to test and push boundaries in an age appropriate manner to learn to grow and mature. Treating them like naughty children and then expecting them to metamorphosis into capable independent adults with the maturity to make good decisions does not automatically happen at midnight when they turn 18. Punishing a young adult who is experiencing social difficulties among her peer group for engaging in normal teenage behaviour by taking away her phone is not conducive to promoting a supportive environment which allows the young adult to grow and mature rather it’s a knee jerk reaction which fails to address the issue in any meaningful way.

ILoveYourVibes

lulublue22 wrote: »

Of course at midnight on that fabled night she magically metamorphisms into an ADULT just like that ! Well able to make good decisions and choices just like that ! All teenagers need guidance and direction and a chance to test and push boundaries in an age appropriate manner to learn to grow and mature. Treating them like naughty children and then expecting them to metamorphosis into capable independent adults with the maturity to make good decisions does not automatically happen at midnight when they turn 18. Punishing a young adult who is experiencing social difficulties among her peer group for engaging in normal teenage behaviour by taking away her phone is not conducive to promoting a supportive environment which allows the young adult to grow and mature rather it’s a knee jerk reaction which fails to address the issue in any meaningful way.

Of course you don't become an adult overnight. That is not the point.

The point is ..she doesn't have ANY respect for her parents or the fac that THEY OWN THIS HOUSE ..they pay for her shopping trips to dundrum.

She treated them like clowns.

They bought her phone.

If she is an adult she can buy her own phone and pay her own internet bills now or overnight at 18 can't she?

But she isn't ....she is letting THEM pay all this....so the boundary from child to adult isn't as simply as having raging hormones is it?

Being an adult isn't being able to have sex. Its having a job...paying your own bills and living somewhere else so you have your own place to bring your boyfriend.

She in ungrateful...disrespectful ...and just didn't behave very nice tbh.

If she is going to treat the people who gave her all that in this way ...maybe she does want to be treated like a adult. And she can buy her own phone.

But the truth is she isn't an adult. In fact she sounds immature and quite frankly ..a little spoiled.

I mean if she was living with flatmates and slept and had sex in THEIR bed ...they would be rightly livid.

Also flatmates arent going to say to her ..hey have your bf over whenever ...they would set limits. Some nights you can't have partners over.

She isn't an adult ..she is living in a teenage dream world.

ted1

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

For having sex in her parents bed.

Also she is NOT an adult ..the day of her 18th birthday she becomes an adult. Until midnight that night ...she is their child.

Rules are rules.

Yeah good luck with that. Prohibition didn’t work.
Treating a 17 year old girl like a 10 year old is not the way to go about it. She’ll rebel and may hide everything she does. She’ll be in college next year.

Caranica

Your daughter was wrong to deceive you and wrong to have sex in your bed. Your reaction was totally over the top.

Remember, you broke Covid rules..several - no house guests until 18 December and no travel beyond your own county before the same date. You also willingly gave your daughter money to "hang out" in a shopping centre at a time when the advice was stay home, not to make unnecessary journeys and not to congregate in groups in indoor spaces. You gambled with your health and the health of others. I agree with many of the posters on here, your behaviour is of much greater concern. Your daughter is being a teenage girl. Be glad she's having sex at 17 and not 13!!

ted1

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Of course you don't become an adult overnight. That is not the point.

The point is ..she doesn't have ANY respect for her parents or the fac that THEY OWN THIS HOUSE ..they pay for her shopping trips to dundrum.

She treated them like clowns.

They bought her phone.

If she is an adult she can buy her own phone and pay her own internet bills now or overnight at 18 can't she?

But she isn't ....she is letting THEM pay all this....so the boundary from child to adult isn't as simply as having raging hormones is it?

Being an adult isn't being able to have sex. Its having a job...paying your own bills and living somewhere else so you have your own place to bring your boyfriend.

The mother should be punished and grounded for breaking Covid rules. I wonder has she apologised to her daughter. And if her phone was taking away.

Duke of Url

I would have thought 17 was a teenager, not an adult

ILoveYourVibes

ted1 wrote: »

The mother should be punished and grounded for breaking Covid rules. I wonder has she apologised to her daughter. And if her phone was taking away.

No one can take her phone away ..presumable she bought it herself?

This is a ridiculous thing to say.

When you can pay your own way in the world ..THEN you are an adult.

If the 17 yr old wants to be an adult ..she can move out.

ILoveYourVibes

If she is an adult she can move our of her parents house and then do what she likes ...problem solved.

screamer

my God, i dont get half the replies on here, if my daughter did that at 17 I'd be disgusted with her for a lack of respect for herself. No way a 17 year old should be bringing home hook ups from tinder, ridiculous. None of us can comment on your parenting, you know your daughter best, but i dint envy you that situation to deal with.