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Child Item

Daughter Invited Boy Over

LegacyUser

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in sixth year. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from 6th year every Saturday in Dundrum Shopping Centre and left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house down in Wexford (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

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Princess Calla

She's over the age of consent, she consented with a peer.

In your bed is a pretty grim move and fairly disrespectful.

Make sure you have the safe sex talk etc.

Last week the country was still in lockdown so it was pretty disrespectful for you and your husband to travel from Dublin (which is a hotspot) to wexford for a weekend with your mates. (Even if both of you are wfh, your daughter is in school and allowed to socialize at the weekend, I doubt wearing a mask, so there is a risk there )

accensi0n

What happened after you comforted her, made sure that she was safe, that nothing upsetting happened and discussed your issues about her having the guy over and using your room?

garrettod

It sounds to me like the original poster has done more wrong here, then the daughter, given the breach of the lockdown regulations.

The girl is legally entitled to have sex, if she wants to, and you need to accept that.

Isn't it better that she's doing it in your house, rather than down a lane somewhere ?

... Granted, you might ask her to refrain from using your bedroom, in the future.

Best to try and ensure that she's taking precautions, but have a mature conversation with her about it, otherwise, you'll just drive a wedge between the two of you, which could do long term damage.

Oh and give her back her phone for crying out loud, this isn't a naughty 9 year old, that you are dealing with. You've got a young adult living with you, and you need to start treating her like one.

[Deleted User]

Completely normal what she did, she shouldn’t have used your bed but otherwise not a big deal at all.

Honestly your home environment seems very stifling - the way you speak about her sounds more like she’s 13 or 14, no wonder she knew she couldn’t go to you to talk about it (and she was right).

If I were you I’d be running out the slack pronto - she’s going to be going off to college next year and let me tell you it’s always the most sheltered ones that go the craziest in college. You’d want to reconsider your approach to her in general I feel, genuinely sounds like something out of the 1950s.

Deeper Blue

Maybe she's disregarding the rules because the people that are supposed to set an example (her parents) are completely ignoring the lockdown rules?

Leaving aside the blatant disregard for public health measures for a second, she's nearly 18, as long as she's being sensible I don't think this is a major issue. Taking away "phone and internet privileges" is way OTT. She's not 12.

Andrea B.

It's a learning experience for all of us.
Option:
Pour a glass of wine for yourself, offer her one. Tell her to respect the privacy of your bedroom from here on.
Ask her if she likes him......talk about sex, bit of advice....your story.

irishguy1983

Batrachotox wrote: »

Completely normal what she did, she shouldn’t have used your bed but otherwise not a big deal at all.

Honestly your home environment seems very stifling - the way you speak about her sounds more like she’s 13 or 14, no wonder she knew she couldn’t go to you to talk about it (and she was right).

If I were you I’d be running out the slack pronto - she’s going to be going off to college next year and let me tell you it’s always the most sheltered ones that go the craziest in college. You’d want to reconsider your approach to her in general I feel, genuinely sounds like something out of the 1950s.

Phew

Don’t consider this a big deal - would have been nice if they didn’t do it in the parents bed though....20 years since I was 17 but we were all having sex, drinking cans at that age....Doesn’t make it right but not exactly end of the world stuff....

Big Bag of Chips

You have a young adult living in your house. It's time to start treating her like one.

A sure fire way to make certain she will never come to you with anything is to carry on the way you are. Why do you think for months she has not mentioned even once that she has a boyfriend?

Sorry about that

You've handled this one badly op.

As other posters have pointed out, apart form using your bed (silly idea, but hardly the end of the world), your daughter did nothing wrong here.

You say she has few friends, and after your reaction, I guarantee that she's feeling embarrassed and maybe ashamed of herself, and may not have a trusted pal to bounce the story off, and get some reassurance from.
You've done the wrong thing. Give her back her phone and tell her you overreacted massively.

She'll remember this forever, so I'd advise you to make it right as soon as possible.

ted1

Sounds like normal behaviour for a 17 teenage girl.

However I have an issue with your behaviour. Depending on the time you went. We were either in level 5, where you can’t go more then 5km or level 3.x where you can’t leave your county. And also not to be having visitors to houses.

What she did in your bed disrespected you. What you did disrespected all those working on the front line. All those who have lost their jobs or closed their business snd all those who have died and all those who haven’t seen family in a long time.

Jequ0n

A 17 year old having sex is hardly shocking so I assume you are upset that your daughter lied to you. Look at your reaction though - would you not have lied to your parents if they'd reacted like this? You might be upset now that you have realised that you probably know far less about her than you knew, and this is where your problem lies.

Ask yourself why your kid doesn't feel like she can be open with you and try to change this. First step might be just to listen and not to comment/ judge etc or to "punish" by taking away phones etc ...

Get over the bed thing, it's a purely practical move (bigger bed, I assume hers is smaller). I used my parents bed all the time if they were away, they were cool with it as long as we changed the sheets afterwards. And the guy..if they were waiting for a chance to have sex it probably means that he also still lives at home and in a similar position to your daughter.

I used to lie to my parents all the time, for lots of different reasons, and I can guarantee you that this will not improve if you keep up the overprotective/ directive parent move.

Ah and as to taking away the phone, I probably would have given you a black eye for that so maybe appreciate the good in your child.

LorelaiG

She's 17, not 14.

Leaving aside the fact that she had sex in your bed (****ty move on her part tbh but you can get over that), what she did is not bad and removing her phone and internet privileges was completely ott.

Your daughter is nearly an adult, it's time you started treating her as such. Sit her down, tell her that her using your bed was disrespectful. That in future if she's inviting anyone over you want to know, that she should be practicing safe sex (condoms at the least and preferably two forms of contraception)

Xterminator

Hi OP

Your reaction was one in anger, rather than a thought out and reasoned response. I wonder was this a shock reaction or an intentional one? you appear to have acted in a way that will harm future sensible discussion about sex and relationship behaviour. It will hardly encourage her to ask your advice for how to handle future decisions. It would seem to reinforce the need to hide her relationship actions from you.

i think you really need to sit down with your young adult and and try to reset the discussion and offer a clean slate. perhaps provide her a clear picture of what you wish she had done, if indeed she did want to have sex with a partner and seek a consensus on how it should be dealt with going forward. but of course this advice does assume you re open to mature discussion around her behaviours rather than seeking to lay down the law.

With regards to drinking, at 17 she is below the age to purchase her own alcohol, but at an age where most teenagers have had a drink, and are forming their own ideas on what they like and forming habits and behaviours.

With regards to meeting boys, having sex, and that whole area, she is of the legal age for consent. IE she can choose to do so. But perhaps you don't like to accept this? Your religion, culture and traditions will colour how you view this, but it does not change the law.

Having sex in your bed was not ideal. If you feel having sex on your house with a boy is not appropriate where would you expect she does have sex? in a car, in someone else's house, in a field? Her own home could provide a place where she can be safe. does she have access to contraception, and is she aware of the dangers of STDs?

Did she meet up with a stranger from tinder, or was it someone she at least hard some acquaintance with? If she cannot talk to you about sex how do you hope to explain to her the difference between dangerous behaviours and safe ones, and with discussing, how can you hope to arm her with the knowledge and confidence to make wise choices? Is drinking and sex going to be a linked behaviour for her going forward? does she have an idea of what a safe amount to drink is. Does she understand the dangers with drinking.

If going to a friends houses/parties etc, it is far better if she can call you if she feels uncomfortable, nd wants to leave, rather than having to invent and maintain a cover story etc. Can you encourage her to confide where she is going, and know that she can call for help if some is needed? Do her friends loo out for her, and vice versa when they go out?

A good friend had a daughter 17 who went to a party in a respectable venue with security etc. Some of the party members started taking drugs, and she was comfortable enough to call and have her parents collect her, as she didn't want to be there when things got 'messy'. This is an example of a young person making a good choice, enabled because she knew she could call her parents for support, and that no huge over reaction would happen.

As a parent myself it may feel uncomfortable knowing your young adult is thinking about sex, drinking limits, drugs, etc. It feels strange to talk about these things. But it is very good for her, if she can come to you and get your advice, and if you can provide access to condoms, and the contraceptive pill. This way you get to influence what she thinks is acceptable behaviour in friends, partners and by herself, and that she have a strategy of how to extricate herself from situations she is not comfortable in. It is far better if these things are discussed before she finds herself with a choice to make rather than after.

LegacyUser

Don't agree with your reaction. It also concerns me how you say you agreed to give her â‚¬20 at weekends and allowed her to be free. So she had no money to do as she wished before this and everything needed to be run by you? She can vote and get married in a few short months, she might be your baby, but she isn't a baby anymore.

eviltwin

A complete over reaction on your part OP. I get that you are angry that she had sex with someone in your bed and that's fair enough - its a violation of your privacy and you will need to have a talk to her about that and about respecting boundaries.

Having a boy over though in and of itself shouldn't be an issue. As a parent of an older child myself I have a thing about random people in my space but its my child's home too and they should be able to invite friends over when they are alone. Having sex at 17 isn't a problem either, she's old enough and it was her choice and hopefully it was done in a responsible way.

I'm not really sure what your issue is here? Is it that she had someone over without your knowledge, it is that she had sex or that she had sex in your bed? I'll assume you've had the safe sex talk and she used protection in which case I think you should applaud her for being mature about it.

Taking her phone and internet is childish, she's not 13 and I'm not sure what you think it will achieve. You need to grow up a bit here and talk to your daughter like the young adult she is. Young people will have sex, they will have people in their lives you don't always know, they will drink, this is part of growing up and you need to be an adult about it.

Tork

It isn't all that long ago that people sat their Leaving Certs and moved on to work/further education while they were 17. You might even fall into that bracket yourself. I'm of the view that 17 was a bit young for teenagers to be finishing school but it doesn't take away from the fact that they're more than capable of looking after themselves. They are capable of completing first year college courses, sharing accommodation and living independently like young adults, drinking....and yes, having sex. Have you forgotten what you and your peers were like at that age?

Look, I know it's upsetting that she went behind your back and it isn't nice to think that she had sex in your bed. But the genie is out of the bottle now. She isn't going to be donning a chastity belt now that she has discovered the sins of the flesh. No matter what you try to do, you won't be able to stop her from making contact with other boys or having sex. She will outwit you and figure out a way to keep in contact with this boy and other people. All she has to do is get her hands on another smartphone and either get a cheap sim card or use it on WiFi somewhere. She'll get cleverer at covering her tracks. All your current approach is doing is to drive her away and ensure she tells you as little as possible. Is that what you want? Also, I remember from my college days that some of the people in my year who came from strict families went pretty wild once they were away from their parents.

You might not like it but the only way to fix this is to give your daughter her phone and her internet privileges back. Then sit down like adults and chat about this in a non-judgemental way. I'm sure she is mortified too but she isn't 14 any more. At this point I'd be more concerned that she is practicing safe sex and isn't going to contract an STI or get pregnant. And maybe you'll have to hold your nose and allow boys to stay over. It isn't something every parent is comfortable with but what's the alternative?

[Deleted User]

In your room is disrespectful. I had friends over when I was 17 and my mum was there and I remember her flipping the lid that we had wandered into her private space. Fair enough.

As for the rest. The other posters have summed it up and there's not much you can do about. She's basically an adult and your restrictions will just drive this further away from your view but it'll still happen anyway.

Part of being a parent. A really hard part, and a big adjustment, but a calm head and good motherly advice will benefit everyone.

Dog day

Hi OP,

Whilst I completely understand you being upset, what your daughter has done is fairly standard behaviour (aside from using your bed which is disrespectful in the extreme).

She did an appalling job of covering her tracks (did she subconsciously want to be caught?!) & has come clean & told you the truth.

Taking it in the context of her struggling to form friendships I personally think it’s a mistake to punish her by taking her phone & further limiting her social contacts, this will exacerbate the original problem ie. that she’s finding it difficult to make friends.

Instead have an open conversation about the importance of honesty & mutual trust, of course be clear that you’re extremely disappointed with her dishonesty. Equally you should now be having a frank conversation about safe sex & indeed the emotional implications of being sexually active too. Also given that she met this boy online if I were you I’d ensure she’s aware of the dangers of online dating (without scaremongering)

From the details you’ve given, your daughter sounds like a genuinely nice girl who when you really think about it has behaved in a fairly standard way for a 17 year old. As teenagers I’m sure most of us pushed boundaries, lied to our parents & took risks, although not ideal it’s almost rite of passage stuff. Time to start treating her like the young adult she is.

shesty

I would be more worried that your daughter has been telling you for weeks now that she is meeting friends in Dundrum, and hasn't trusted you enough to tell you the truth for this long.That is a pretty bad indication of your relationship with her OP -that she is an adult and can't tell you who she spends her free time with, not even casually in passing, and has to pretend she is doing something else?The end result in all of it is almost a by-product compared to that.

Silly of her to be in your bed, that is an absolute no.

Do you have any other children?

ztoical

When I started having sex my mum sat me down and had a talk about safe sex with me, not going to lie it was mortifying at the time but I appreciate my mum so much for doing it and it meant I knew I could go speak to her if I ever needed her. Thats what you need to be doing OP. She's 17, legally able to make the choice to have sex so its important you don't treat it like something dirty or wrong or thats how she'll view it. You need to be the person she can go to and speak about anything.

Yes they were wrong to have sex in your bed but other than that everything you've posted sounds like 17/18 year old's get up to. She didn't just go online and invite someone over straight away, sounds like they've been dating for a while and took the next step in a developing relationship. Maybe it will continue or maybe fizzle out but over reacting and taking her phone away is only going to push her away and not feel she can come speak to you when she's got real issues. I won't go into all the issues with lock down etc

Xterminator

shesty wrote: »

I would be more worried that your daughter has been telling you for weeks now that she is meeting friends in Dundrum, and hasn't trusted you enough to tell you the truth for this long.That is a pretty bad indication of your relationship with her OP -that she is an adult and can't tell you who she spends her free time with, not even casually in passing, and has to pretend she is doing something else?The end result in all of it is almost a by-product compared to that.

Do you have any other children?

I think it is only fair to take the daughters actions in the same context of her parents action/reaction!

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

If that is the outcome of the parents knowing what she is up to, then you can only say the daughter is doing exactly what every teenager would do, which is to lie and conceal.

Daughter would be far safer if parents were open to reasonable discussion. I understand mum may have reacted in shock, but it doesn't make the reaction any better. Parents actions are driving daughter to dishonest course of action.

Almost any other way of handling this by parents would be better.

jelly&icecream

OP, I can understand you were shocked and reacted the way you did.

Firstly them having sex in your bed was completely inappropriate and something you need to make clear is not on.

TBH other than that you should try and have a calmer conversation with her about safe sex and contraception. Offer to take her to GP for a chat to organise proper contraception such as the implant or similar. Maybe an STD check or at least a talk with the GP about one. Say you'll go in with her or you can leave the room and let her talk to GP herself if she prefers. Tell her you'll pay for the contraceptive etc. Stress importance of condoms being used as well.

Good luck! I am not looking forward to my kids getting to that age.:pac:

Also I wouldn't continue the punishment where you're cutting her off from the outside world by removing the phone for too long. Especially as you were worried she was getting isolated and not socialising enough.

John Hutton

Lets leave aside the Covid stuff for now...

I don't know what sort of homes most of the posters here grew up in, but my parents would have went mad at me if I had friends over for underage drinking without asking when they were away. I think I would have been murdered if I went a step further and had a girl over at 17 and rode her in my own bed, never mind in their bed!!!! Nor would I have thought my parents unreasonable.

17 years old in sixth year is too young to be on tinder, full stop. She shouldn't be on it and meeting strangers and lying to her parents about it. This is worrying. A girl, who might be lonely from what you say about her, meeting with strangers from tinder. Ask more about the guy, if he is actually 18 (you need to confirm this) and nice enough count your blessings.

OP you are not wrong to be really annoyed and disappointed. Your daughter has been disrespectful and foolish. But I think at 17 its too old for the type of punishment you have done, you need to go down the "I'm disappointed in you and here's why" speech.

Dog day

jelly&icecream wrote: »

OP, I can understand you were shocked and reacted the way you did.

OP, please read the full post from jelly&icecream then read it again. Spot on!

Tork

John Hutton wrote: »

I don't know what sort of homes most of the posters here grew up in, but my parents would have went mad at me if I had friends over for underage drinking without asking when they were away. I think I would have been murdered if I went a step further and had a girl over at 17 and rode her in my own bed, never mind in their bed!!!! Nor would I have thought my parents unreasonable.

The impression I got from the replies is that most people accept that the daughter's behaviour was way out of line. Quite a few people weren't impressed by them using the parents bed. The OP wasn't wrong to be angry and upset at first - I think most people would have the same reaction. That part is over. The problem is how she handled it after the initial shock and anger. Taking this girl's phone and internet away from her is not the answer. You can argue that 17-year-olds shouldn't be on Tinder, having sex or drinking but what good will that do? Many 17 year olds are and this girl is no different. She is not going to turn into a chaste kid with a pioneer pin. So all the OP can do is work with her and try to be her friend. Make sure she is practicing safe sex, that she is aware of the dangers of meeting strangers off Tinder and that she doesn't overdo the drinking too much. She'll be getting up to all these things anyway, now that she has crossed that line.

TheadoreT

This poor kid, generally well behaved and never causes trouble, despite having parents who show flagrant disregard for public health advice and putting peoples lives at risk. She decides to experiment with sex from the safety of her own home and her parents blow it out of all proportion and shame her by taking away any contact with outside world. It's a wonder using her parents bed is the biggest problem given what she has to deal with from parents.

I'd advise having a look within OP and start treating her with the respect a mature(by the sounds) 17 year old should be.

1hnr79jr65

Op, talking to your daughter as an adult and discussion consequences about these issues she is having would be more productive than totally cutting her off. perhaps limit what she can access by blocking apps such as tinder with parental locks/programs. Also maybe your daughter needs some more professional help from a self esteem aspect and a counselor could help here.. That aside i would be concerned about the following.

- Yes your daughter is age of consent, however there needs to be an sti check and check for pregnancy in week or 2 to rule out any concerns there.
- I would be reporting this guy to the guards for providing alcohol to a minor as your daughter cannot legally consent to having that under 18 years old and it MAY have influenced the first point about sexual consent.
- Covid concerns, i would be doing a fair bit of disinfecting and cleaning as a precaution this guy brought over more than a few cans.

Jequ0n

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

Op, talking to your daughter as an adult and discussion consequences about these issues she is having would be more productive than totally cutting her off. perhaps limit what she can access by blocking apps such as tinder with parental locks/programs. Also maybe your daughter needs some more professional help from a self esteem aspect and a counselor could help here.. That aside i would be concerned about the following.

- Yes your daughter is age of consent, however there needs to be an sti check and check for pregnancy in week or 2 to rule out any concerns there.
- I would be reporting this guy to the guards for providing alcohol to a minor as your daughter cannot legally consent to having that under 18 years old and it MAY have influenced the first point about sexual consent.
- Covid concerns, i would be doing a fair bit of disinfecting and cleaning as a precaution this guy brought over more than a few cans.

Get a life
Report him to the guards? Seriously?
Sure way to ruin a lot of things for a lot of people in one go. Ever thought about that a few cans can take the edge off when someone is nervous?

There is also nothing to suggest that they even had unprotected sex, so a lot of premature panic here.

Maybe book an appointment at your local fgm surgeon as well?

TheadoreT

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

Op, talking to your daughter as an adult and discussion consequences about these issues she is having would be more productive than totally cutting her off. perhaps limit what she can access by blocking apps such as tinder with parental locks/programs. Also maybe your daughter needs some more professional help from a self esteem aspect and a counselor could help here.. That aside i would be concerned about the following.

- Yes your daughter is age of consent, however there needs to be an sti check and check for pregnancy in week or 2 to rule out any concerns there.
- I would be reporting this guy to the guards for providing alcohol to a minor as your daughter cannot legally consent to having that under 18 years old and it MAY have influenced the first point about sexual consent.
- Covid concerns, i would be doing a fair bit of disinfecting and cleaning as a precaution this guy brought over more than a few cans.

My word, were you never young? A 17 year old and 18 year old having a few drinks and fooling around in an safe environment is about as normal a early sexual experience that you could hope for. Most people that age would be well versed in sexual education and not wanting to ruin thier lives young so I'd assume protection was used as opposed to the opposite. It's not the 1950's where people get to that age a little innocent about the birds and the bees.

Considering involving the police is all sorts of crazy.

These things are all part of a young person growing into an adult, you can bury your head in the sand and treat them like a child but it will only push them away and make them distrustful of the very people they should be comfortable in confiding in.

1hnr79jr65

Jequ0n wrote: »

Get a life
Report him to the guards? Seriously?
Sure way to ruin a lot of things for a lot of people in one go. Ever thought about that a few cans can take the edge off when someone is nervous?

There is also nothing to suggest that they even had unprotected sex, so a lot of premature panic here.

Maybe book an appointment at your local fgm surgeon as well?

So if someone underage shares drugs with someone underage that shouldn't be reported either as "sure way to ruin a lot of things for a lot of people in one go"?

Condoms break and not all sti are protected from by condoms. Its called precaution.

That crass comment on fgm is bs, I never said she is not entitled to have sex or enjoy it, i even commented she is of age to consent, grow the hell up with rubbish statement.