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MIL Comment

Lemonee_

Hello,

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a comment made by mother in law recently. To begin, I am overweight and am currently losing weight, have lost over 1.5 stone in approx 2 months with more to go hopefully. Some medical conditions I have make it difficult to lose weight and I am finally seeing some changes after planning a specific diet with my consultant.

Recently my mother in law called me a whale and said such a person is almost as heavy as you are. Its just sticking in my head and is really disheartening when I am finally starting to lose weight. My partner was not there and I have not told him as he would be upset/cross and I dont want to cause an argument between them. I also think she would deny saying it. I am completely aware that I am overweight but think such a comment is disrespectful, particularly as she is aware of my medical conditions. Not sure what to do or if I will do anything, might help after writing it down.

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Pasteur.

Brush it off

It's a reflection on her .You might only fuel it by reacting

Sardonicat

That comment was more than disrespectful, it was abusive. Tell your partner what she said. He should know how you are being treated by his mother and should be making it very clear that that type of insulting comment wont be tolerated and demand she apologises to you.

OP, people who make degrogarory comments do so usually to erode your self confidence and bring you down. It's a poor reflection on them not you. Well done on your weight loss progress, especially considering your extra health challenges. Never, ever apologise for how you look to anyone or let a comment like that go unchecked again.

Oink

It was incredibly disrespectful, and I can’t believe she would say something like that to your face. Personally I have 0 tolerance for this kind of behaviour especially if she’s also going to lie to your face and deny saying it. It seems like you are going to be civilised about it, which is to your credit - as long as this was a one-off mistake. Don’t let her to make a habit of disrespecting you.

Sonic the Shaghog

Dirty bitch ! That's an awful thing to say and you making such an effort fair play on losing the weight however if I was your partner I'd want to know!

Gangu

Nip it in the bud. Say it to her that you found it hurtful and that the next time she does it that you will share her abuse with her family. Tell her that you don’t call her names and that you expect common decency and courtesy from her. Be quite brusque about it. Not apologetic. If she denies it tell her that you won’t be taken for a fool. Good luck and tell us how it goes.

Lemonee_

Thank you all for the advice, I feel better already having written it down and reading the replies. Still torn about what to do, I agree that if it was the other way around I would want to know. Will have a think about it, we do not live nearby to them, and would only visit maybe once a month or so, not sure if I can be bothered with the hassle! Thanks again for your replies!

Sardonicat

Lemonee_ wrote: »

Thank you all for the advice, I feel better already having written it down and reading the replies. Still torn about what to do, I agree that if it was the other way around I would want to know. Will have a think about it, we do not live nearby to them, and would only visit maybe once a month or so, not sure if I can be bothered with the hassle! Thanks again for your replies!

Well, I hope you are feeling better about yourself anyway, OP. Be proud of your achievement. I would strongly advise that even if you do not want to disclose the comment to your partner or re-visit her nasty comment, if she ever says anything like that again make it very clear you won't tolerate being insulted in that manner.

cannotlogin

Congratulations on your weight loss. 1.5 stone in 2 months is fantastic and don't tell a wagon like your MIL take that away from you or set you back.

You can always lose weight, her personality is a much better problem.

Maybe mention it to your husband when the sting of the comments subsides. Tell him you would prefer if he didn't say anything for the sake of keeping the peace & the fact you would prefer her not to know it hurt but that if it was the other way around you would like to know. Doubt he will be shocked, if she's capable of saying something like that, I'm sure he's been on the receiving end of some nasty remarks in the past.

People like her aren't worth your time or energy.

YellowLead

As others have said it’s a complete reflection on her, and not you. To speak like that to any other human never mind a daughter in law - medical issues or not - is disgusting. I would deffo tell your partner, but make it clear it was the comment that upset you - don’t put the mother in law down in general, you don’t want him to feel like he’s taking sides (even though she is clearly in the wrong) Say it was her behaviour on the day and that comment specifically that upset you. I’m sure he would want to comfort you and he might have a gentle word with her which hopefully make her feel some shame. Well done on your weight loss - that’s super significant! Such comments really hurt us, but only if we let them so don’t get down and remember that’s not how the rest of the world sees you!

Tork

What a horrible thing she said. Some people have absolutely no filter when it comes to making comments about weight, especially if they never had trouble with it themselves. What was your relationship like with her before this? Did the comment come out of the blue or does she have form when it comes to this sort of thing?

Personally, I think you should tell your partner so that he knows what was said. It doesn't need to go any further than that. If you're not the sort who wants confrontation and is happy to continue going to your MIL's house, make your relationship with her very superficial. Neither of you tell her anything about your health issues etc. but smile/nod/be pleasant on the visits. If your partner knows, it might make him protect you more and not leave you alone in the room with her.

I'm sorry she called you that. There is many a person who would love to shed the weight you have. You are to be congratulated on your progress so far, not called a whale.

qwerty13

Oh my god OP, what an oul wagon she is! The absolute b*tch. I hope you get the chance to have a proper rant about her with a glass of wine and a good friend.

I’d be wary of your husband saying anything to her. Somehow I get a feeling (possibly from my own life) that she could turn on the water works if challenged by your husband, and how never meant it like that, blah blah. And then you have a situation on your hands.

I’d be inclined to kill the oul serpent tongue with kindness, if I could. Or never let her see that she’d got to me. If you felt brave enough, you could tell her that everyone else is congratulating you on your weight loss. Maybe that’s a bit of an ostrich approach. I suspect that this isn’t the only time she’s made mean comments to you though, so I’d do the tactic of smiling whilst asking her to repeat it. Twice if necessary. I’d cut her zero slack in future though. And no pandering to her needs. A straight up superficial almost business-like relationship.

And then I’d stick a cd of whale song music in with her Christmas present. Just to rile her. And even better if she has to explain why she got that, in front of others.

And WELL DONE on your weight loss. You are doing brilliantly.

Princess Calla

qwerty13 wrote: »

And then I’d stick a cd of whale song music in with her Christmas present. Just to rile her. And even better if she has to explain why she got that, in front of others.

Brilliant

ILoveYourVibes

Lemonee_ wrote: »

Hello,

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with a comment made by mother in law recently. To begin, I am overweight and am currently losing weight, have lost over 1.5 stone in approx 2 months with more to go hopefully. Some medical conditions I have make it difficult to lose weight and I am finally seeing some changes after planning a specific diet with my consultant.

Recently my mother in law called me a whale and said such a person is almost as heavy as you are. Its just sticking in my head and is really disheartening when I am finally starting to lose weight. My partner was not there and I have not told him as he would be upset/cross and I dont want to cause an argument between them. I also think she would deny saying it. I am completely aware that I am overweight but think such a comment is disrespectful, particularly as she is aware of my medical conditions. Not sure what to do or if I will do anything, might help after writing it down.

My mother use to say ....when the devil knows you are finally winning the battle ..that is when he tries to get you down.

Its funny just when you get the better of your weight this negative energy comes finally out. Its like the devil was scared because he could see you were beating him! lol

Your mother in law doesn't understand your situation not the negative energy she was projecting. She isnt aware of what she is doing.

You have to project your dream of being healthy from negative feelings and energies.

firstly accept that during this time ...negative thoughts and energy WILL try to sabotage you ..partic when you are doing well.

You just have to see them for what they are.

Think about it ...to fall so far from the mountain of feeling you are doing great ...you have to have come pretty far in the first place.

Well done on your weight loss! Keep it going!

Sardonicat

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Your mother in law doesn't understand your situation not the negative energy she was projecting. She isnt aware of what she is doing.

Anyone who'd call someone a whale to their face knows exactly what they are doing. Anyone who'd call someone that behind their back is letting people know they are malicious to the core.

ILoveYourVibes

Sardonicat wrote: »

Anyone who'd call someone a whale to their face knows exactly what they are doing. Anyone who'd call someone that behind their back is letting people know they are malicious to the core.

I disagree.

While its not something i would ever say personally. ....(and it wouldn't even occur to me in my head)

I know people who would say it ..and not mean to be offensive.

Also ...malice ...is a weakness of all humans.

And when you realize that ...it makes it easier to be stronger about it.

To rise above it is easier ..and its healing.

If you see it as a bullet of war ..its really going to hurt ....if you see it as weakness in someone else ...i find it takes the sting out

Or the MIL is just a sociopathic creature with no redeeming features ...i dunno which is more likely

I mean ..if someone refers to me as 'the girl with the big forehead '? are they being malicious? Or just bad mannered because they don't know any better?

I guess you have to weigh up whether they meant to hurt you or not. And if they meant to hurt you ....is this a regular thing...if it is ..that is kind of pathetic on their part.

Besides if the MIL IS like that ..she isn't going to pay attention to you saying ..oh that isn't acceptable ..she will just continue to be who is etc if she is that bad.

I mean you can try saying ..' you might not realize but you hurt me'

But if she meant to hurt you ....'do that again their will be consequences etc' prob won't work. ...and you will have told her ..that she succeeded in hurting you.

HildaOgdenx

As others have said, first of all, you are doing fantastic, and don't let anyone try to take that away from you.

Only you can decide if you want to tell your partner about her comment. FWIW, I wouldn't worry about it causing strife between them. That's her doing, not yours. If you do tell him, you can, if you wish, keep it lowkey...'I'm just telling you this happened.'

If she tries anything like that again, I would be calling him in, saying 'listen to this. Go on, MIL, tell him what you just said.'
People who make spiteful comments don't cope well with being called out on them. Especially if she is making sure that he is out of earshot.

Just think also, 'how much do I value your opinion? Well actually **** all.'

I would be keeping my distance, in future, and once again, well done you.

Sonic the Shaghog

Jaysus you do be smoking some serious ganja ILYV

ILoveYourVibes

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Jaysus you do be smoking some serious ganja ILYV

lol its the good stuff

Seriously though. Its funny how right when the OP is starting to get on the right track with weightloss that suddenly something negative happens that might cause her to oscillate due to that negativity.

And its true. You cannot assume that your environment is going to be positive all through your journey of trying to accomplish something.

The MIL is prob not going to change. And beyond this there will be other assholes or ...articles in papers ..body shaming etc.

You have to protect your dreams from that negativity.

Because RIGHT when you are on the right track ..that is when you are going to fall off ...

The op's mother in law was in the wrong....but there will be other people ..other bad days or feelings or assholes.

Also ...people don't WANT you to do well sometimes. The person who bodyshames you ..doesn't want you to feel good or look good or lose weight. They want to sabotage you. So you feel bad.

So they will try and do that even if they dont realize they are doing that.

The mil maybe even realized she lost a bit of weight ...that is maybe why she said it.

You DO have to protect yourself from that negative energy in people. It can be bitterness jealousy etc. Even in people close to you.

Ew she lost weight etc ..ill put her in her place. ..ew she is so pretty ...i will tell her that her nose is big ..or ew she is so smart i will put her in place etc.

Its something even people closest to us do. You can't let it get to you. And yes they should not do it. And we can tell them that. But the truth is ....there is always going to be SOMEONE in the world trying to make you feel bad. And after you tell them off ..there will be another and another ....

There is always going to be someone to make you feel unworthy or small or crazy or unimportant. Whether its in work or family ...or in the world in general.

So you can't let them.

You have to push that energy away.

There is no getting away from it unfortunately. Because someone else full of negative energy or bitterness (or basically an asshole in layman's terms) will be right along after you get rid of the last one.

It will be that person at the party ..that dude on twitter ...that person at work ...that mother in law ..that son in law. ..that sister. OR that usually nice person in a bad moment. ..or that person who is always an asshole.

People don't always want you to feel good. I mean people on boards don't always want each other to feel good even in PI. They project.

Unfortunately the MIL prob isn't going to change ..and if she does ..its the next person...you kind of have to keep your mindset apart from it.

Sometimes people want you to feel small or less than. Even people in your own family.

You can't let them.

Unfortunately the next bully is just around the corner.

You just have to remember ....they don't care how big your nose actually is ...they care about how bad they make you feel about it.

So don't let them.

I wouldn't try and get back at them....i would let karma do that.

kowloonkev

If a third party heard the insult, and is willing to verify it, then maybe you ought to tell your husband. If not, then I wouldn't say anything. The wife against the mother is a lose lose lose situation if it's one person's word against another.

Either you could distance yourself from her as much as you can or you try to recreate a similar situation and record your conversations with her.

ILoveYourVibes

kowloonkev wrote: »

or you try to recreate a similar situation and record your conversations with her.

OP don't do this.

This is likely to make the op look crazy. And its going to create a lot of drama.

JeffKenna

How old is the MIL? Not excusing the comment but elderly people can sometimes begin to slip mentally a bit so I'm wondering if that's a factor?

Either way, head down and keep going with the weigh loss! Well done so far!

valoren

Now in the age of smart phones there is a way to call out people like this. Next time she might say something nasty and derogatory in a manner with is deliberately without witnesses then take out your phone and turn on the camera. Ask her to repeat the insult and do so on camera. If she does then you have proof so she can't do the "I never said that" water works routine. You deny her that opportunity. "X just called me a whale, would you mind repeating what you said for the record?" If she refuses then say something along the lines of "You might think I'm a whale but at least I know that you're a coward".

3DataModem

"I might be fat, but you're old... at least I can keep dieting. What are you going to do?"

(Not a serious suggestion OP, but I've said this. Well done on your weight loss journey.)

Dial Hard

valoren wrote: »

Now in the age of smart phones there is a way to call out people like this. Next time she might say something nasty and derogatory in a manner with is deliberately without witnesses then take out your phone and turn on the camera. Ask her to repeat the insult and do so on camera. If she does then you have proof so she can't do the "I never said that" water works routine. You deny her that opportunity. "X just called me a whale, would you mind repeating what you said for the record?" If she refuses then say something along the lines of "You might think I'm a whale but at least I know that you're a coward".

Yeah, don't do this, OP.

MissShihTzu

You can lose weight OP. Which you have. Your MiL will forever be a nasty old bag. I'll bet it's not the first time she's said something nasty either.

The next time she says something like that, ask her to repeat it. I'd lay money she won't! And tell your husband - I'm sure he would want to know. If it causes a row? So be it. That old bat needs to watch her mouth.

And if she's insulting you in your own home? Tell her to leave and don't come back until she recovers her manners! You don't even need to raise your voice. Say it in a normal conversational tone, and keep repeating it until she understands.

Larbre34

Mothers in law are like mushrooms. Both should be kept in the dark and fed shyte occasionally.

Don't put yourself in the same place as her.

Your partner should he told, because this is one of those occasions where an argument SHOULD be caused between them, ie, him defending you and you should not care about the consequences. I wouldn't.