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Relationship advice?

ireland4141

Hello. I am looking for some advice on my current situation. I am a 21 year old male. I have never been in a relationship before and never really thought about it or felt like it was a problem. But recently I find family/work colleagues asking me why I am single or do I have a girlfriend, almost expecting a yes answer. It embarrasses me sometimes as anyone I know my age has been in some kind of relationship before. My usual explanation is that I don't have time. This is not a lie as I work long hours (leave home at 6am and return home at 7pm) and I do on-call work at night time. To be clear, I love my work very much and wouldn't like to change it really.
I now find myself dwelling on this issue in my spare time and getting frustrated wondering why I don't have a girlfriend, when it seems everybody else does and it makes them happy.

I understand I am still very young and there is lots of time in the future to change this. But I feel like if I was in a relationship I would not be able to devote enough time to it and it would just fail.

Possibly I am just better off single?

Thanks for reading.

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JustAThought

ireland4141 wrote: »

I am very aware of the problem that is created by being unsociable. But it is only now that it is starting to bother me slightly. Probably because I live alone now. I was friendly with lots of people when I was in school but I never kept in contact with any of them. I will make the effort now to allocate some time to my personal social life. New Years resolution.

Thanks for your reply OP - I found that despite
college(s), some great jobs & colleagues that all
my longest friends were from school - I think the pain of growing up & doing debs/LC etc forges something that is hard to replicate in other or wage based environments. Some of my best friends from school I let slide and to
this day I regret not reaching out and rekindling the friendship when there was still only a few years gap and when it was still fixable. Maybe this christmas (rather than new year when everyone is broke & we will no doubt be locked in again) you could try - say things have been hectic but would a few like to catchup over a takeaway or meal or whatever.

The elephant in the room here is the drink - we do have such a drink based culture that it makes it very difficult to be fully integrated in a social scene if you don’t drink or are anti-drink. Do you take anything - non alcoholic beer, tia maria & coke - whatever? Its hard if what you don’t like becomes the conversation for every night out. Not that I want to turn you into a beer loon but it might help a bit and maybe help release some inhibitions? One not ten!!! Also all the new ‘foreigners’ coming to work in Ireland make it a bit easier as they don’t have the drinking culture we do - but most will still have one.

I hear you about the online college & male dominated work - I keep recommending this -
have you tried meetup.com? They have a LODES of different types of groups for people who don’t know each other initially to meet up -
most new to the country ir in positions like yours. You choose as many or few groups as catches your fancy ( most are free, some events cost a nominal fee or are payment based if you go) and then choose what events each group organises to attend.eg there is a nightclubbing group, one for meeting up to go to gigs or festivals ( pre covid!), adventure sports, gaming, mountain biking, talks on various niche subjects, coding, traitholon training etc - lots have the profile pics of members so you can get an idea of ages or genders . Seriously don’t bother with hillwalking as its invariably the MUCH older set ( you are in objective gf!) and the sober slice tends to be recovering alcoholics (don’t go there!) - you want young fun normal people your age - I’d really say take a look and it might be an easy answer for you!! I found it by accident when I lived abroad and it really helped me meet people & we had some great nights out & mad adventures - all normal fun people just with restricted circles of friends for various reasons.

You do need to get on that bike and get practising - it does go beyond a point where it is seen as normal or OK and the more you overthink it and the older you get it gets more daunting and difficult to get started! I had a close friend who was very work goal orientated and successful but became a 39 year old virgin who had never had a bf and the issue totally dominated her world and became a milestone around their neck. They had everything on paper but in terms of emotional development and all the nurturing, sharing, friendship, closeness, sex & fun a relationship brings they were poor.

A first date or relationship is supposed to be fabulous, fun, possibly messy, exciting and wonderful - and a start to others and to different emotional journeys. Relationships brings you on so many different routes & to different outlooks, personalities & adventures - don’t leave it too long before allowing yourself that. Work and a career is important and so is being financially secure but the two cannot compare, and you really shouldn’t put one aside while you just focus on the other. In this case you can, and absolutely should, have your cake and eat it. Din’t let one aspect of your life trample another very basic need into the ground.

ireland4141

Thanks so much everybody for the replies. I appreciate the time and effort put in to writing up these replies. Work's been hectic the past few days hence why I haven't been online. I found this thread very interesting and I will take a lot of useful and valuable information from it.
However, having reflected on my original question, I think that I may have gotten ahead of myself by asking about getting a girlfriend when I am lacking the fundamentals of basic socialising/friendship. I will have to work on that in the near future before getting into more complex relationships I think.
In the new year I want to make a real attempt to build proper friendships with others, and work from there.

Ash.J.Williams

ireland4141 wrote: »

Hello. I am looking for some advice on my current situation. I am a 21 year old male. I have never been in a relationship before and never really thought about it or felt like it was a problem. But recently I find family/work colleagues asking me why I am single or do I have a girlfriend, almost expecting a yes answer. It embarrasses me sometimes as anyone I know my age has been in some kind of relationship before. My usual explanation is that I don't have time. This is not a lie as I work long hours (leave home at 6am and return home at 7pm) and I do on-call work at night time. To be clear, I love my work very much and wouldn't like to change it really.
I now find myself dwelling on this issue in my spare time and getting frustrated wondering why I don't have a girlfriend, when it seems everybody else does and it makes them happy.

I understand I am still very young and there is lots of time in the future to change this. But I feel like if I was in a relationship I would not be able to devote enough time to it and it would just fail.

Possibly I am just better off single?

Thanks for reading.

The good times are coming son! I’m sure Covid isn’t helping young people meet up but it will pass and you a good 9 years left to go wild