nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Unable to socialise

LegacyUser

Hi,

Not sure where to start here, so this may be long winded and a bit jumbled...

I'm in my 40's and have no social life as such. I do go to gym - although I would have to say that it is for image reasons (if that is a bad thing?) plus I do enjoy it and it helps me de-stress/sleep. I'd also go to movies (alone). However, that is the extent of my social interactions. I have a couple of friends, but they are all married with children and live in different places. We meet up sometimes but I am reluctant to contact them as they have families now.

I have been in and out of counselling for most of my adult life as I struggle to interact socially. At work I am quite successful in my job and get on with the majority of people. I can chat freely with them in office. However, when we go out for drinks/meal I tend to clam up.

The problem is that I am unable to to do anything about this – or I am refusing to do anything about this. I’m currently attending a Psychoanalyst and although she is trying to help me I am unable to take on her advice and am kicking back against her. I’ve probably done this with all my counsellors – although I didn’t really notice it until she pointed it out to me.

She relates my issues to my father with whom I had a fractious relationship when growing up and it would appear that I have picked up on a number of his traits. When she pointed this out to me it made me angry with her. Every time she pointed out similarities between us I was annoyed – because she was correct. Although I have learnt a lot about myself – I am unable to put anything into action. It took a long time for me to open up in the sessions and to a certain extent I maybe am not fully yet. I complain to her about a lack of progress and blame her, but really the fault is mine – she says I am waiting to be found. This is true, but I am just paralysed an unable to break the chains.

I’ve not really have had any sort of relationship and I’m panicking that I’ve left it too late and that maybe I’m too stuck in my ways as well as not being the person I thought I was – considering how I interact with the analyst. A family and someone to leave my belongings to when I die is playing on my mind continually at the minute. Also, I feel guilty for my mother not having any grandchildren – she is old now and it breaks my heart as I know she would love to have some to take for walks etc.

The analyst suggested recently that we should stop the sessions as she feels unable to help me. The day she told me that I felt really low – probably as low as I’ve been in a number of years. She says I’m a machonist as I always try to ruin any good thing in my life and push away people trying to help. This is true. I am unable/unwilling to do anything to improve my life. Some things I don’t even realise until she points them out.

I was going to try online dating, however I hate looking at photos of myself so I can’t bring myself to create a proper profile. I have no hobbies nor interests. Plus reading the above, I’m not much of a catch – although sometimes I feel that I’ve got as much to give as others. Then other times I think I’m worthless.

I have image problems – I take Propecia for hair loss and go to gym to make myself try to look better. When I was at secondary school a classmate made a remark about how I look and it has stayed with me since. It still bugs me to this day. I’m also on Citalapram for depression.

However, its my inability to do anything to improve my situation that frustrates me and brought me to loggerheads with the analyst. I expected to be further on for the time we’ve had. Essentially, I’ve not made much tangible progress – although I have an understanding of the causes. I just can’t/won’t push myself out there to improve my life and start living. I thought that it would fall out of the sessions but I am not able to make any changes in my life and so I remain where I was. Frustrating.

Myself and the analyst had a ropey start, but it did eventually improve – although I struggle to tell her my thoughts. I can be silent for an entire session or walk out if I am angry or frustrated. I don’t want it to end as I’ll be on my own – maybe with no-one to blame but myself. However, I do know that she is a good analyst and that starting afresh with yet another analyst is not the solution. The solution lies within me. I just don’t know how to go about it.

I just can’t fathom why I can’t do what normal people do. I am useless at small talk. Going out stresses me. Dating scares me – I’m not good at chatting to opposite sex. I am torn between wanting to lie down and give up or to get up and go grab my life. But the former always wins. What is wrong with me – why can I not do anything to help me have a life and not an existence? I just don’t understand why I’m so passive about improving my life – especially as I know the effect it is having on me.

Can anyone see help see what is going wrong in my life/existence? I’m going round and round in circles.

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

Tork

I think these threads you post on boards are your way of fooling yourself into thinking you're doing something about your issues. Unlike when you're in a room with a therapist, you are in complete control here. You can read the advice given at your leisure and you're free to reply or not reply. Even the title of the thread is somewhat disingenuous - it isn't that you're unable to socialise. You're unwilling to. Just like you are unwilling to do so many other things suggested to you here. People can give you solid, sensible advice until they're blue in the face but they might as well be talking to the wall. Unless you find a way to make the changes within yourself, you're wasting everybody's time. Including yours.

The White Feather

hermit123 wrote: »

TBH - I have no real interests. I just pootle along from day to day. Working, sleeping etc. I like going to gym, movies and that's pretty much it. I don't really enjoy talking about movies as I hate argumentative debates on things. At gym, like do weights, but again I like to work at my own pace - although I do chat to some ones when there.

If I wasn't intimidated I would use my normal login. There is something to hide behind here, its not the same.

That's easier said than done. Might be easy for someone with your outlook, but for me it is too difficult.

None of us ring each other - it would be weird.

I know what I need to do. I've known that for about 20 years, but I can do nothing about it to help myself.

You have a problem for every single solution. People have given you great advice throughout the thread. Ideas, things to do etc You have found something wrong with each one. You have to do things. Friends won't call to your door out of the blue. You have to change. No one else.

Things are weird because you don't do them. Start doing them now. You put on your clothes every day so its not weird. You don't think about it. Do the same with everything else. Just start ringing. No one says why are you ringing me? Would you, if your friend/work colleague rang you? You would be delighted.

You know what you need to do. No one is going to hold your hand You have to do it. No one else. You make the choice every day to not to anything different.

I was there in your position. Tried different things and some I liked better than others. But I did them. Muddled through things at the start and then I got used to them.

Everything to you is "strange" or "odd" Wearing masks was strange at first but now no one even thinks about it. It is the same principle.

Absolve yourself of blame from now on. Ring your colleagues or friend every day. Go for a walk or a hike. Cycle. Anything. If you feel bad/weird/odd, just say a guy on the net or a book told you to do this so its their fault. It is not yours. Keep doing it. Stop thinking about everything. Do things. You are paralysed by inaction. I was like that too. I thought of so many scenarios of what might happen, I did nothing.

I solved it by doing anything and everything. If you see anything to do, even an online class say yes I will do it. Once I went along to a bridge card club and it was full of old ladies. I thought it was like poker and thought there would be young people there! I can't play bridge but i was like I am here now so I will sit and watch and chat. :pac:

Yes really weird at first but like any club, they just pulled out tables and chairs and began. Same as every other type of club. No one knew me so who cares! I didn't care as I knew I wasn't going back. Went home and then I had experience of talking to new people about something new that I had no interest in. And had a great laugh about it. It wasn't bad at all. Its a funny story to tell someone especially women!

You might try honesty ringing someone every day? "hey I don't feel so good, I could use a chat" You say that to anyone, they will listen and have a chat. No one is going to say anything bad.

You were recommended a great book it seems, and you read it but are "still here" Did you think the book would lift you out of your seat? You need to get up and go out. No one can make you. Get up and go. Walk, run, hike cycle. Break your routine as I said. Blame the book if you feel weird at first. Blame me, blame everyone but do it like it was a court order. Don't stop.

ongarboy

hermit123 wrote: »

It is crazy odd to just head out for a walk or a coffee.

This statement by you jumped out as being the cause of so much of the issues you are having in my opinion.

The fact you would think even the simple act of going for a walk or coffee to clear the head, be in a different environment, provide a distraction of sorts is "crazy odd" is actually quite worrying and damaging and is very telling of your mindset in general. Millions of people everywhere do go out for a walk(or any other type of exercise) or grab a coffee/treat/newspaper etc every day for the very reason to get a daily change of scenery, get the blood circulation going, get a distraction of sorts from whatever they might be mulling over as they sat/lay at home on the couch/bed. Dismissing or rejecting this and all the other good advice being given without even trying is probably the bigger factor right now in why your life isn't changing.

I'm not sure I can offer you any advice as you'll most likely also shoot it down. What did you want from creating this thread if you'd already decided you won't listen or try anyone's suggestions?

Faith

Frankly, OP, if you can’t help yourself, how do you expect us to help you? What do you think these repeated threads will achieve? You can’t even describe what the problem actually is and reject every single suggestion, so I fail to see what you’re going to achieve here.

eleventh

hermit123 wrote: »

More due to upbringing issues relating to a domineering father.

hermit123 wrote: »

Mother is not the problem - counsellor identified it was due to a domineering overbearing father - still alive.

Can you say a bit more on this. Was he abusive or what was it?

zoobizoo

hermit123 wrote: »

Bought it. Read it. Still here.

Did you Feel the Fear of going for a hike and go for a hike anyway?

LegacyUser

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Yes, agree 200%, noone will come in off the street to do it for you. It's YOUR life and only YOU can change it.
One thing I would recommend highly, a great book by Susan Jeffers called 'Feel the Fear and do It Anyway'.

Bought it. Read it. Still here.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

So you’re just giving up again? Quitting before you’ve even started. No wonder you’re so isolated and lonely, tbh - you just keep getting in your own way.

Are you going to stay as you are, or are you going to change? If you have no intention of actually changing, then no amount of threads here or hours in therapy with help you. You need to WANT to change, and I don’t get the sense that you actually do. You just like the idea of being a different person but you don’t feel strongly enough about it to even slightly push yourself out of your comfort zone. You want someone else to change you, but that’s not how it works.

I do want to change - I just can't help myself and actually go through with the changes. At times I'm okay with myself, other times I'm almost suicidal about my life and how I've wasted it and unable to make a go of it.
Just existing instead of living is not fun and I'm paralysed against doing anything to help myself.
My counsellor says I'm waiting to be discovered and that is probably true. But where do we go from here? Do you keep shouting at me to change myself?

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Why did you give up your rental? Are you going to the gym at all now? You could try just heading out every day for a walk or a drive, maybe get a takeaway coffee or food and sit in a nice area just people watching, you need a change of scenery rather than stuck inside all day. Have you any siblings to speak with or just to visit? It's extremely difficult to do or enjoy some things without a friend or colleague and yet you don't sound like someone that would be easy to befriend, you seem quite stubborn in your own way and I think this definitely comes from your upbringing as you mention your mother is quite staunch. You seem to be your own worse enemy and I think that's also an upbringing issue, are you close to any other family member apart from your mother, do you worry about her reaction to things you do rather than recognising that your an adult and can do whatever you want in life?

I'm working from home and rather than sit alone in a small apartment I decided to live with parents. Nothing was open and I decided to stay at home and save money to buy a house at some stage.
Mother is not the problem - counsellor identified it was due to a domineering overbearing father - still alive.
It is crazy odd to just head out for a walk or a coffee.

LegacyUser

The White Feather wrote: »

See, its not about trying things. It is Doing things. You tried all these things. It sounds like you went through the motions doing them. What do you like doing? Then do that. Enjoy something then you will like talking about it. Then you can talk to people about it without it seeming an effort.

TBH - I have no real interests. I just pootle along from day to day. Working, sleeping etc. I like going to gym, movies and that's pretty much it. I don't really enjoy talking about movies as I hate argumentative debates on things. At gym, like do weights, but again I like to work at my own pace - although I do chat to some ones when there.

Why be intimidated? Are you intimidated posting here? I'd say no. Its all strangers. Its the same thing as in dating sites. You said you arent fully committed. Well, you have to be. You have to speculate to accumulate. It means taking a chance. Saying hello to someone etc

If I wasn't intimidated I would use my normal login. There is something to hide behind here, its not the same.

Start today and forget the past. If it still seems hard then just do small steps. Go outside and go for walks. Become the opposite of a hermit.

Switch your whole mindset to thinking that you have a lot to offer and why not? If everything that you have been doing has not worked, then you need to try the exact opposite.

That's easier said than done. Might be easy for someone with your outlook, but for me it is too difficult.

For instance, I said in an earlier post to ring one of your friends. You said that you regularly contact each other but just with silly messages. That seemed the end of it for you. Well ring them! The relationship becomes what you make it. If ye only text, then ye only text. If you ring and talk every day it will become that.

None of us ring each other - it would be weird.

Remember what I said here "its not about trying things. It is Doing things" You are not happy with things that you have done so start doing the opposite. Don't think. Do it. There has been great advice in this thread. Pick something and do it. Don't nitpick. Dont think. Just do it.

If you sleep in late. Get up early from now on. If you get up early, sleep in and stay up late. If you usually text as you say, then ring people from now on. If you email co workers, ring them. If you don't go out, go out every day. Where? Anywhere. Walk to a friends house and then go back. You can ring them and say hey I was near your place on a walk the other day. Friends too far? Go to the local shop and buy something small every day.

If you say nothing to people in shops, start talking to them. I am an introvert too and I started doing this for practice. I began by smiling and saying thanks loudly. Then went to eye contact. Then eventually chatting. I used to just murmur, grab my stuff and scurry away. It still hard for me to do but its great practice. They can't tell you go away and generally they like a chat as they are bored. A few weeks of smiling and saying thanks and then they realised I am a nice guy so they won't mind chatting.

So I did the opposite of what I used to do. You have to keep applying it. If you quit the classes you joined. Get back in them and don't quit them this time. Then every class, make it your mission to say something about anything to someone there. Then same again next week and so on. Ok, you will say , its lockdown. Classes are not on at the moment. Ring the person there and say you intend to come back when its back. Find out if there are online stuff for it. Youtube videos that you could look at. Ask if there is an online group for it to stay in touch. Keep going and don't just stop. It is all about practice so then you don't even think about it.

You said you struggle to change. You won't change unless you start it. It is simple as that. If you usually only do something for a day or 2, then do the opposite. Do it for a full month? Why? Because you have never done it. you miss a day? Month begins again. Whatever you are doing or have done, do the opposite. Switch the layout in your bedroom. go out every day at lunchtime. Go out after work. Change your routine.

I was in as rut like you and I just did everything different to get myself out of the hole. I even switched my watch to the opposite hand so I would have to "think" which hand I had my watch on. I did everything the opposite. Nothing I did worked before I changed. It got me out of a rut and got me going. Don't overthink anything. Just pick something and do it. If you are sure its not for you, pick something else and do it until you feel comfortable. Don't stop and think. Keep going and doing things.

Don't read books? Read a book a week. You read now and then already? then read more. Then you can tell anyone you meet about the book you just read. You dont walk much? Walk every day. Throw in a small run at the weekend. Can't run? Just walk a bit quicker so for a few meters. Don't stretch at all? Stretch every day. Do it in your bedroom if you feel a bit odd doing it at first. Watch movies? get netflix. Can't afford it or don't want to get it? Then you have your subject to ask a friend or someone you meet. Ask them is netflix worth it? Is spotify worth it? etc

If you have to, write out bullet points so it can jog your memory when you are talking to someone in case you are afraid of freezing up on the phone.

Sorry for the long post but maybe you can see how and why I did it too. you can too. It is totally up to you. Just start doing things. Don't think. Just pick something and do it. You said you were not committed. Commit. To everything. Fix those dating profiles like you are applying to a job. Doing things fully is now your job.

I know what I need to do. I've known that for about 20 years, but I can do nothing about it to help myself.

LegacyUser

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Please don't take this the wrong way op, but it sounds like you have classic autism behaviour, have any of the professionals you interact with mentioned this?

I did mention it to my counsellor and she said I don't have it.
More due to upbringing issues relating to a domineering father.

Purple Mountain

Faith wrote: »

So you’re just giving up again? Quitting before you’ve even started. No wonder you’re so isolated and lonely, tbh - you just keep getting in your own way.

Are you going to stay as you are, or are you going to change? If you have no intention of actually changing, then no amount of threads here or hours in therapy with help you. You need to WANT to change, and I don’t get the sense that you actually do. You just like the idea of being a different person but you don’t feel strongly enough about it to even slightly push yourself out of your comfort zone. You want someone else to change you, but that’s not how it works.

Yes, agree 200%, noone will come in off the street to do it for you. It's YOUR life and only YOU can change it.
One thing I would recommend highly, a great book by Susan Jeffers called 'Feel the Fear and do It Anyway'.

Faith

hermit123 wrote: »

I'd find an interest and join a dating site.
(Both of which I have tried. i tried clubs, cooking classes, night classes, language classes etc, but nothing. In terms of dating sites, I have profiles on a few, but it is not fully committed - I'm intimidated by it all and scared to swipe/reply - plus covid has reduced my enthusiasm at the minute as I don't see the point).

So you’re just giving up again? Quitting before you’ve even started. No wonder you’re so isolated and lonely, tbh - you just keep getting in your own way.

Are you going to stay as you are, or are you going to change? If you have no intention of actually changing, then no amount of threads here or hours in therapy with help you. You need to WANT to change, and I don’t get the sense that you actually do. You just like the idea of being a different person but you don’t feel strongly enough about it to even slightly push yourself out of your comfort zone. You want someone else to change you, but that’s not how it works.

Windmill100000

Hi op, therapy is hard work and you are clearly resistant.

Behind this resitance is often fear - the fear of uncovering who you really are. If you block attempts to find out who you really are you are keeping yourself safe but also you are not moving forward.

Perhaps you have an idealised view of what everyone else is like. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all carry wounds from past hurts and disappointments.

Perhaps the key lies in learning to accept yourself, and by that I mean all of you- even the parts like your dad.

Resistance clearly hasn't worked. Maybe it's time to acknowledge that and open yourself up to therapy in a different way?

Wanderer78

Please don't take this the wrong way op, but it sounds like you have classic autism behaviour, have any of the professionals you interact with mentioned this?

[Deleted User]

Why did you give up your rental? Are you going to the gym at all now? You could try just heading out every day for a walk or a drive, maybe get a takeaway coffee or food and sit in a nice area just people watching, you need a change of scenery rather than stuck inside all day. Have you any siblings to speak with or just to visit? It's extremely difficult to do or enjoy some things without a friend or colleague and yet you don't sound like someone that would be easy to befriend, you seem quite stubborn in your own way and I think this definitely comes from your upbringing as you mention your mother is quite staunch. You seem to be your own worse enemy and I think that's also an upbringing issue, are you close to any other family member apart from your mother, do you worry about her reaction to things you do rather than recognising that your an adult and can do whatever you want in life?

The White Feather

hermit123 wrote: »

I'd find an interest and join a dating site.
(Both of which I have tried. i tried clubs, cooking classes, night classes, language classes etc, but nothing. In terms of dating sites, I have profiles on a few, but it is not fully committed - I'm intimidated by it all and scared to swipe/reply - plus covid has reduced my enthusiasm at the minute as I don't see the point).

See, its not about trying things. It is Doing things. You tried all these things. It sounds like you went through the motions doing them. What do you like doing? Then do that. Enjoy something then you will like talking about it. Then you can talk to people about it without it seeming an effort.

Why be intimidated? Are you intimidated posting here? I'd say no. Its all strangers. Its the same thing as in dating sites. You said you arent fully committed. Well, you have to be. You have to speculate to accumulate. It means taking a chance. Saying hello to someone etc

Start today and forget the past. If it still seems hard then just do small steps. Go outside and go for walks. Become the opposite of a hermit.

Switch your whole mindset to thinking that you have a lot to offer and why not? If everything that you have been doing has not worked, then you need to try the exact opposite.

For instance, I said in an earlier post to ring one of your friends. You said that you regularly contact each other but just with silly messages. That seemed the end of it for you. Well ring them! The relationship becomes what you make it. If ye only text, then ye only text. If you ring and talk every day it will become that.

Remember what I said here "its not about trying things. It is Doing things" You are not happy with things that you have done so start doing the opposite. Don't think. Do it. There has been great advice in this thread. Pick something and do it. Don't nitpick. Dont think. Just do it.

If you sleep in late. Get up early from now on. If you get up early, sleep in and stay up late. If you usually text as you say, then ring people from now on. If you email co workers, ring them. If you don't go out, go out every day. Where? Anywhere. Walk to a friends house and then go back. You can ring them and say hey I was near your place on a walk the other day. Friends too far? Go to the local shop and buy something small every day.

If you say nothing to people in shops, start talking to them. I am an introvert too and I started doing this for practice. I began by smiling and saying thanks loudly. Then went to eye contact. Then eventually chatting. I used to just murmur, grab my stuff and scurry away. It still hard for me to do but its great practice. They can't tell you go away and generally they like a chat as they are bored. A few weeks of smiling and saying thanks and then they realised I am a nice guy so they won't mind chatting.

So I did the opposite of what I used to do. You have to keep applying it. If you quit the classes you joined. Get back in them and don't quit them this time. Then every class, make it your mission to say something about anything to someone there. Then same again next week and so on. Ok, you will say , its lockdown. Classes are not on at the moment. Ring the person there and say you intend to come back when its back. Find out if there are online stuff for it. Youtube videos that you could look at. Ask if there is an online group for it to stay in touch. Keep going and don't just stop. It is all about practice so then you don't even think about it.

You said you struggle to change. You won't change unless you start it. It is simple as that. If you usually only do something for a day or 2, then do the opposite. Do it for a full month? Why? Because you have never done it. you miss a day? Month begins again. Whatever you are doing or have done, do the opposite. Switch the layout in your bedroom. go out every day at lunchtime. Go out after work. Change your routine.

I was in as rut like you and I just did everything different to get myself out of the hole. I even switched my watch to the opposite hand so I would have to "think" which hand I had my watch on. I did everything the opposite. Nothing I did worked before I changed. It got me out of a rut and got me going. Don't overthink anything. Just pick something and do it. If you are sure its not for you, pick something else and do it until you feel comfortable. Don't stop and think. Keep going and doing things.

Don't read books? Read a book a week. You read now and then already? then read more. Then you can tell anyone you meet about the book you just read. You dont walk much? Walk every day. Throw in a small run at the weekend. Can't run? Just walk a bit quicker so for a few meters. Don't stretch at all? Stretch every day. Do it in your bedroom if you feel a bit odd doing it at first. Watch movies? get netflix. Can't afford it or don't want to get it? Then you have your subject to ask a friend or someone you meet. Ask them is netflix worth it? Is spotify worth it? etc

If you have to, write out bullet points so it can jog your memory when you are talking to someone in case you are afraid of freezing up on the phone.

Sorry for the long post but maybe you can see how and why I did it too. you can too. It is totally up to you. Just start doing things. Don't think. Just pick something and do it. You said you were not committed. Commit. To everything. Fix those dating profiles like you are applying to a job. Doing things fully is now your job.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Okay, great. Let’s imagine I had a magic wand and imbued you with the belief that you had the power to change that. What would be the first thing you’d do, the first step you’d take, to start making that change?

I'd find an interest and join a dating site.
(Both of which I have tried. i tried clubs, cooking classes, night classes, language classes etc, but nothing. In terms of dating sites, I have profiles on a few, but it is not fully committed - I'm intimidated by it all and scared to swipe/reply - plus covid has reduced my enthusiasm at the minute as I don't see the point).

Airyfairy12

Reading through your posts you have a problem for every solution and a terrible defeatist attitude.
Id take a guess and say that this might have something to do with your difficulty socialising, no one likes being around someone whose constantly negative, its draining to be around.
You have so much to be grateful for, you have a job, money, a roof over your head, a family caring enough and willing to have you stay with them, youre young and could have so much going for you but instead, you wallow in self pity and find the negative in every situation.
Nothing is rainbows and sunshine, everything will have problems and negatives, such is life, thats how it is for everyone but the difference is youre choosing to only focus on the negatives.

Try and do the things you want to do without over thinking everything.

Faith

hermit123 wrote: »

I would like to improve the lack of social interactions in my life. Whether that be platonic or romantic, I'm not sure - I think romantic.

Okay, great. Let’s imagine I had a magic wand and imbued you with the belief that you had the power to change that. What would be the first thing you’d do, the first step you’d take, to start making that change?

LegacyUser

OP you are being exceptionally hard on yourself. Lots of people are in the same boat, can’t make lasting social connections for whatever reason. As I said earlier in the thread I’m like you but have made peace with it to an extent.

A godsend for me through lockdown has been walking. I know you said you tried it and it did nothing for you but give it a chance. I bought a good set of headphones and I listen to podcasts or music and I’ll walk an hour minimum each evening. I get annoyed if it’s wet and I can’t go. Reading is great as well to pass the time.

Some people will tell you that that’s terrible advice and you need to get out, develop interests and meet new people etc. Absolutely do that if you can but it’s difficult right now during a pandemic and like I said earlier in the thread I tried all of that, classes, volunteering etc and nothing really stuck in terms of making friends for whatever reason. We should all keep trying to broaden our interests and horizons but in the meantime you need to occupy your body and mind.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

I don't feel like ambivalence and psychoanalytic therapy go all that well together, in your case. It seems to just be maintaining your difficulties while giving you a false sense of doing something about it.

Let's try this:

What's the most pressing thing - distilled into one single sentence or concept - that you would like to change?

I would like to improve the lack of social interactions in my life. Whether that be platonic or romantic, I'm not sure - I think romantic.

Small point op; you spoke of a year being wasted. No time or experience is ever wasted. It can always teach us something.

It has been *teaching* me for a few decades now but I'm not *learning*.

Graces7

Small point op; you spoke of a year being wasted. No time or experience is ever wasted. It can always teach us something.

Faith

I don't feel like ambivalence and psychoanalytic therapy go all that well together, in your case. It seems to just be maintaining your difficulties while giving you a false sense of doing something about it.

Let's try this:

What's the most pressing thing - distilled into one single sentence or concept - that you would like to change?

LegacyUser

Hello - apologies for not replying back sooner.

I've just gave up my rental as I had moved back home due to Covid. I'm feeling very down about it and a wasted year at my age is a big problem - I probably would have wasted it anyway, but it is out of my control now.
I'm not liking being at home - tensions at times, other times okay. I miss the gym and going into the office.

Working from home has been okay for a while, but now I've moved onto different work and I am desperately struggling despite the boss saying I'm doing fine.

I went for a walk on the beach one day and it was nice, but it was an effort. For a variety of reasons I've not done anything since. Just seems weird going for a walk.

You're afraid of getting lost or injured hiking?
My 88 year old Father in Law stopped hiking 3 years ago because his heart couldn't take it. Buy a GPS!

Is that how you face life?

I see that as a rational concern!?

You work for yourself and in an office?

Yes, contract work.

What type of medical condition?

I'd rather not name it - it is none visible and doesn't affect the majority of my life - like diabetes.

I agree with the poster who said you seem unwilling to change.

I just struggle to change. It annoys me that I am so ambivalent and obsessed about it concurrently. I can manage something once or twice (like the walk) but I can't go any further as I slip back into my old ways.

I've looked at online dating, but most of the females are intimidating. There are ones I like, but I'm too scared to contact as my profile is rubbish. Is it bad that I have likes and wants in a partner too? I don't feel as if I should be "grateful" for anyone to take an interest.

Ask yourself if you do things that keep others at a distance ...like not sharing or making them feel comfortable?

I don't know. Its possible. <shrug>. Nothing intentional.

ILoveYourVibes

I know what you are saying - it just seems that their lifes are so much better than mine - and I'm intelligent enough to realise that it could be a front and I don't know hat is happening behind closed doors or in their head. They have all gone down the marriage/kids route and I have not gone down any route. Again, I just feel awkward.

None of that is because they have a partner. Its because of who they are in their head.

They could be single and their lives would seem better than yours ..because ..they are happy.

And maybe they are not happy who knows.

There are lots of routes. If you dont seem to be able to do the marriage /kids route ..find another.

You are putting marriage on a pedestal.

You need to stop thinking about it ..and just socialize. Be nice do things for people etc. Take very oppertunity to go out when asked.

Ask yourself if you do things that keep others at a distance ...like not sharing or making them feel comfortable?

zoobizoo

Substitute "won't" for "can't".

You can do many things but you won't do them.

Up until 24 I suffered badly from Social Anxiety. I couldn't talk to anyone who I didn't really know.

I quit my job, I booked a flight to Europe and started seeing some of the world. I was so nervous. My legs nearly buckled beneath me in arrivals when I was waiting for my bag. What the F&CK was I thinking..... on my own, scared, wanting the world to suck me up.

I spent the first week talking to no one. I used to go for a walk in the day time, pick up groceries and then read in bed. I did that for 7 days.

Then I decided to go to the Irish pub on my own. I sat outside and read a book. Spoke to no one. The next night I sat at the bar with my book and spoke to the bar man. The next night I sat watching the news at the bar and a guy started talking to me - I had a chat with him and the bar man and ....... you get the picture... I was socialising and the more I did, the easier it became.

A couple of weeks later I was hooking up with American and Canadians while traveling through Italy. I developed techniques how to chat to people I didn't know. They might be reading a book "oh, how's that book?" - or have a copy of the Lonely Planet - "is that the latest version?"..... "are you guys heading to X city?" Again, I learned how to talk to people I didn't know.

Don't get me wrong - I still had certain levels of anxiety each time at the start but by putting my neck out and saying hello to people, and getting over those first awkward seconds for me, I was growing in confidence through doing.

Now - that's what you need to do. Start doing.

I

Purple Mountain

zoobizoo wrote: »

You're afraid of getting lost or injured hiking?
My 88 year old Father in Law stopped hiking 3 years ago because his heart couldn't take it. Buy a GPS!

Is that how you face life?

You work for yourself and in an office?

What type of medical condition?

That sentence about facing life stands out here for me.
OP look at your long response above to various people's responses and suggestions.
It's peppered with obstacles you're putting up yourself.
Noone can change your life for you, you are the only one who can change your own life.
You've gotten great advice, encouragement and reassurance that actually you have a lot of positives going for you as you are already.
Unless you take a step past the wall of 'everything is doomed to fail' you seem to have put up then you're going to keep rebounding off the wall.

Graces7

Occurs to me that you are trying to live up to what others think is the norm? Square peg, round hole?

It is fine to be single. It really is. NB you are not a hermit! Far from it. If you were you would not be unhappy. ( I am a hermit and am totally at ease with it. )

The advice to volunteer is spot on. Working with others who need you. Try it? Stop trying to live up to what you think others expect of you. Give of your time and skills to others. Let go! Stop trying so hard.

hayoc

The thing about it is - you CAN make small talk - you have said you chat to people in work and people in the gym. To me that sounds like you can make small talk when its "safe" or you know what the expectations are. But if it comes to making small talk with a view to a new friend or someone you fancy - you freeze up because you dont know how to proceed and most probably - you have a fear or failure or embarrassment. I think most people have such fears, to a lesser or greater extent, but yours have actually stopped you from engaging with people.

I agree with the poster who said you seem unwilling to change. Nothing changes unless you change it. You can get as much therapy as you want, but you need to apply the theory in real life. I sense that you are intelligent and maybe thats a difficulty in therapy, because smart people often "logic" their way out of good advice.

Its interesting that you dont see yourself as "normal"? What IS normal - to you? There are many people out there who would like to be less conventional and less normal, but you feel the opposite way and want to be more normal. Normal is a spectrum IMO. There is no "normal".

Hiking - afraid of getting lost or injured. You could join a hiking group, or even a guided walk group. You can mosey along in it and practice your small talk. Or you can talk to no one and just know that you wont be getting lost or injured alone.

You talk about someone giving you a look of pity because you are single - thats you projecting. For all you know that could have been a look of envy. Its more to do with how you present the info than the info itself. No one cares if you are married with a family or not. But asking you puts your defences up and that probably shows. But there are LOADS of people out there in their 40s who never married, lost a partner, got divorced, didnt have kids, or whatever. Not everyone is "settled down with a family" in their 40s.

Time isnt running out. You are in your 40s. People only start getting out in the world in their 20s. You could live into your 80s. So youve got twice the time left ahead of you as behind you in terms of "getting out there".

You certainly have things to talk about. You just feel like your things to talk about are not important or interesting enough to talk about. If you had more activities to be engaging in then you could talk about those.

You really seem to be judging yourself against some kind of "normal" barometer and feeling like you have failed. But Im not sure what this "normal" is that seems so elusive to you.