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Gaslighting

Away With The Fairies

Has anyone ever had this done to them?

Just horrible behaviour thrown at you and when you point out how hurtful and nasty their behaviour is they make up excuses that don't make sense and no genuine apology. Or an apology but no change in the behaviour. Then if you react badly at all, they blame your reaction and turn it around on you.

What is wrong with these people?

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CountNjord

Ahhh Gaslighting, the world's full of it, and for the poor misfortunes who are going through it it's horrific.

It's as form of bullying and lack of self discipline to the extreme,and the gaslighters supposedly are cruel empty shell's of people.

There's people who call themselves empaths and they're the most susceptible to Gaslighting because they're soft sensitive people who see the good in everyone.

I myself would be what you might call an aul rogue and it's easy enough to deflect a gaslighter because I'll call them out on their bllshT straight away.
I'd be like, wat you taking about ???

They get the message quite fast and avoid me.
They're horrible people, they make great spin doctors and HR loves having them as part of their team.

katiek102010

Deshawn wrote: »

It's can be just another American imported word used by some people who want to portray that they are a "victim" of a difference of opinion or social exchange.

No its not. It is a legitimate legally recognised term that depicts a specific type of abuse

Nykay

katiek102010 wrote: »

It wouldn't be classed as gaslighting. Gaslighting is saying something or behaving in a manner that causes the victim to question or doubt their own sanity.

When you say doubt their own sanity, do you really mean to say that they doubtful as to whether the person is out to get them or not... and thus feel as if they're paranoid because no one else can see it.

Come one, I doubt many people who are gas lit really end up thinking they're insane.

Sardonicat

Nykay wrote: »

When you say doubt their own sanity, do you really mean to say that they doubtful as to whether the person is out to get them or not... and thus feel as if they're paranoid because no one else can see it.

Come one, I doubt many people who are gas lit really end up thinking they're insane.

Read some of the posts above. Items being taken and hidden to make you think you never even brought them so you doubt your own recollection of doing so. Making plans and when the date and time comes round claiming no such plans were made. Denying you said what you did, claiming you said the opposite. Claiming to have told you something when they didn't. This is done to deliberately create a constant sense of uncertainty, dependence on the abuser and to cloud the victims judgement.

katiek102010

cj maxx wrote: »

The point is the people being gaslighted don’t realise it to begin with until it’s too far gone. The person who does it picks their victims because they’re slightly gullible

It's not that the victim is gullible its difficult to explain.

The person who is doing gaslighting is someone, that under normal circumstances, would be deemed to be in a position of trust, authority or power.

They are usually a close family member, employer or a teacher/medical professional.

They start off suubtly, so subtle that you don't recognise it. Little comments like I told you that yesterday etc. Over a period of time the comments increase in frequency. You eventually start to doubt yourself.

Then it starts with bigger things eg. scheduling meetings and saying they are for 4 and ringing you at 2.30 saying where are you, asking you to do something a specific way and then telling you iits wrong and insisting they told you another way.

They bide their time it can be over a year or more, ring your family act all concerned saying they are concerned as you are forgetting things. Call you into meetings at work, with other staff there eg HR or union and say they are concerned for you.

Every move you make is watched, the more you are watched the more mistakes you make.

They move things and put them in strange places, they help you look so they know you find them. They publicly praise you say how much they love you or what a fantastic team member you are. They go out of the way to appear wonderful to everyone else.

Gaslighting is literally playing with someone's mind until they loose their mind. They also play with the minds of those close to the victim to make them believe the victim has serious MH issues.

katiek102010

riclad wrote: »

Gaslighting is being dishonest eg a man who pretends to love his wife while having
affairs , a boss who promotes only his friends
and ignores people who are competent but who
do not flatter him when it comes to recommending staff for promotion so he might say lies like staff are rated on various factors

No that is not gaslighting.

The husband having affairs and pretends to love the wife is just being a plain old scumbag.

The work situation you mentioned is referred to a nepotism

katiek102010

CountNjord wrote: »

Ahhh Gaslighting, the world's full of it, and for the poor misfortunes who are going through it it's horrific.

It's as form of bullying and lack of self discipline to the extreme,and the gaslighters supposedly are cruel empty shell's of people.

There's people who call themselves empaths and they're the most susceptible to Gaslighting because they're soft sensitive people who see the good in everyone.

I myself would be what you might call an aul rogue and it's easy enough to deflect a gaslighter because I'll call them out on their bllshT straight away.
I'd be like, wat you taking about ???

They get the message quite fast and avoid me.
They're horrible people, they make great spin doctors and HR loves having them as part of their team.

100% correct. Did you know have a history of gaslighting is now a medically recognised trait of having Narcissistic personality disorder and of being a psychopath

katiek102010

Nykay wrote: »

When you say doubt their own sanity, do you really mean to say that they doubtful as to whether the person is out to get them or not... and thus feel as if they're paranoid because no one else can see it.

Come one, I doubt many people who are gas lit really end up thinking they're insane.

Yes I do. Proper gaslighting is a form of abuse and it takes place over a long period of time. It's not someone trying to trick you a few times, it is actually extremely serious.

Victims of gaslighting end up with debilitating MH issues, chronic depression, anxiety and paronia. Even with correct medical treatment they continue to suffer with self esteem issues and trust issues for an extended period of time. It can take years to overcome.

A lot of people are having difficulty in understanding what gaslighting actually is.

Rothko

Deshawn wrote: »

It's can be just another American imported word used by some people who want to portray that they are a "victim" of a difference of opinion or social exchange.

It's a term that's been around for decades.

cj maxx

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I don't think I was gullible. I was trusting and vulnerable. Totally different.

True Kathleen, I was stuck for a word to describe trusting and leaving oneself vulnerable. Gullible wasn't the right word

Nykay

valoren wrote: »

My approach to get repaid was used as another opportunity to gas light. He said (all via text) that he never asked me for the money. He said I had pretty much forced it on him as a means of lording it over him and controlling him. He said he had tried repeatedly to repay me but I refused.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be!

Jenna James

Been gaslit by my dad for years. It does make you question your sanity. Very disturbing.

I recently watched the movie 'Gaslight' from which the term was coined. Great film.

Mad_maxx

Rothko wrote: »

It's a term that's been around for decades.

i confess to only having heard the term in the past three years or so despite being able to recognise the nature of it with ease

Mad_maxx

Jenna James wrote: »

Been gaslit by my dad for years. It does make you question your sanity. Very disturbing.

I recently watched the movie 'Gaslight' from which the term was coined. Great film.

my father would gaslight everyone , remember him telling an aunt of mine that she only imagined the abuse she suffered growing up from her mother , i wasnt part of the conversation but they were discussing my grandmother

this woman has suffered with depression her whole life

i think he actually got some sort of power buzz out of it

Nykay

katiek102010 wrote: »

A lot of people are having difficulty in understanding what gaslighting actually is.

Well what about this example below, with the Frances Black song? Is it gaslighting?

amadangomor wrote: »

Fella at work used to [gaslight] me. One example when I would talk to someone he would start sing some **** song called "All the lies that you told me". Would try other subtle put downs that no one else would notice.

Was thinking it was just a coincidence until I realised it wasn't.

And btw, that girl who had me wipe up the floor was on my case in a rather passive aggressive way... be it gaslighting or not. That wasn't a once off instance I referred to.

katiek102010

Nykay wrote: »

Well what about this example with the Frances Black song? Is it gaslighting?

And btw, that girl who had me wipe up the floor was on my case in a rather passive aggressive way... be it gaslighting or not. That wasn't a once off instance I referred to.

What you mentioned that you experienced is bullying by a colleague and not gaslighting. Bullying is a form of abuse.
Gaslighting is another type of abuse.

If you think about it this way in terms of warfare.

Gaslighting would be chemical warfare. Invisible and deadly to those targeted, often leaves no evidence

Bullying is psychological warfare. Not truly invisible and can be witnessed by others. Can leave physical evidence

Physical abuse. Always leaves evidence.

Nykay

katiek102010 wrote: »

What you mentioned that you experienced is bullying by a colleague and not gaslighting. Bullying is a form of abuse.
Gaslighting is another type of abuse.

If you think about it this way in terms of warfare.

Gaslighting would be chemical warfare. Invisible and deadly to those targeted, often leaves no evidence

Bullying is psychological warfare. Not truly invisible and can be witnessed by others. Can leave physical evidence

Physical abuse. Always leaves evidence.

So the guy singing the Frances Black song wasn't gaslighting? He was bullying, right?

katiek102010

Nykay wrote: »

So the guy singing the Frances Black song wasn't gaslighting? He was bullying, right?

Apologies I don't recall a reference to a Frances black song

Nykay

katiek102010 wrote: »

Apologies I don't recall a reference to a Frances black song

I quoted it just a few minutes ago. Another user posted it.

COVID

katiek102010 wrote: »

Apologies I don't recall a reference to a Frances black song

Nykay wrote: »

I quoted it just a few minutes ago. Another user posted it.

To which song are you referring, I'm not overly familiar with her oeuvre?

katiek102010

Nykay wrote: »

I quoted it just a few minutes ago. Another user posted it.

I would not know that song and recognise the singer. From what he said that someone sang a song everytimr he spoke, that would bullying.

Gaslighting would not be so covert. A manager telling you to do job a certain way eg paint that wall blue and then saying I told you to do it pink. Tells your colleagues to be back at the office for 4 for a meeting, tells you it's 5 and then gives out to you. Holds a disciplinary meeting and highlights recent memory lapses in front of HR, expresses concern.

Contradicts you in front of people making out you are getting dates he has told you wrong. It's happening so often you are starting to doubt your memory. You take out a file and leave it on your desk go to the printer to print off something to put in it, you come back file is gone. You get disciplined for being rude to Mrs Ryan last Tuesday on the phone. You are not aware of ever speaking to Mrs Ryan. You hear him telling other managers about your memory lapses.

One of your colleagues mentions it, you say you know its your boss, they go what he's sound. Turns out he's being extra nice to them. Now you sound like your losing your mind and paronid.

The stress gets to you, you end up making genuine mistakes, end up feeling physically sick and having panic attacks. Go to GP diagnosed with stress and anxiety.

Anxiety is MH and that is crazy so maybe he's right you are crazy and stupid and worthless and everything else you feel.

That is gas lighting. Do you see the difference? The manager is making the staff member think there is something wrong with their memory and is making other staff think their is something wrong with that person's memory.

COVID

I think that repeatedly singing any Francis Black song - particularly if the singer is a good impressionist - could justifiably be labelled 'bullying behaviour'.

katiek102010

COVID wrote: »

I think that repeatedly singing any Francis Black song - particularly if the singer is a good impressionist - could justifiably be labelled 'bullying behaviour'.

I take it, I am a very lucky to not know

Jequ0n

Mad_maxx wrote: »

i think he actually got some sort of power buzz out of it

Definitely a buzz

eleventh

katiek102010 wrote: »

No that is not gaslighting.

The husband having affairs and pretends to love the wife is just being a plain old scumbag.

It would be gaslighting really if he's pretending to love her.

katiek102010

eleventh wrote: »

It would be gaslighting really if he's pretending to love her.

No its not. That is deception.

Gaslighting would be saying something or doing something to make her think she is suffering from memory loss and causing her and others to believe there is something wrong with her.

eleventh

katiek102010 wrote: »

No its not. That is deception.

Gaslighting would be saying something or doing something to make her think she is suffering from memory loss and causing her and others to believe there is something wrong with her.

Gaslighting is deception, i.e. it's a form of deception.

katiek102010

eleventh wrote: »

Gaslighting is deception, i.e. it's a form of deception.

I have explained fully in my post above what gaslighting is and given examples.

While undertaking the act of gaslighting yes they are deceiving the victim by making them think that there is something wrong with thír memory however the primary objective of the abuser is to control and discredit the victim

dublinman1990

valoren wrote: »

.

Wow. Well done man for sharing your story with us. I was nearly speechless when I read it. It felt like your ordeal from it felt like a torture that was falling in on top of you. I really cannot understand how all of that serious amount of damage was done by one person alone with the perpetrator in question being currently married to your brother. How can one individual have the balls to live like that? I will just never know. It's really feels ****ing nuts to read it at this point.

Your brother's wife is one truly miserable little wagon & is also one seriously unwell individual. I hope she & your brother get the proper help that they need so these types of incidents can be resolved with yourself & your family when you get the chance to have a clean slate once & for all. What has happened to you and your wife in this ordeal is absolutely disgraceful & it's great to hear that it was never tolerated under any circumstances. Well done to you & your wife for seeing the wood through the trees while seeing reality right in front of you.

Just keep fighting the good fight. You will get there in the end.

ILoveYourVibes

I don't mean to be rude but would it be ok if people didn't quote overly long posts. It slows the page down .