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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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Ted_YNWA

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

IrishZeus

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

A bit of banter is good for the sole.

Capt'n Midnight

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

There was no trainers of any description there.

Rumour was you injected the laces with LSD and people were tripping all over the place.

bonzodog2

IrishZeus wrote: »

A bit of batter is good for the sole.

Are you codding us? Way nicer in breadcrumbs!

Capt'n Midnight

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

If only you'd kept instep with your co-workers.

New Home

Nice way of putting the boot in, Capt'n.

Capt'n Midnight

IrishZeus wrote: »

A bit of banter is good for the sole.

Sounds like brogue.

the beer revolu

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I don't know when I will heel from all these slurs on my name.

I guess it was good at the start but it could never last.

[Deleted User]

This thread is turning into a load of cobblers!
We need to get a comment from an F1 driver.

Michael Schumacher

Capt'n Midnight

Prisoner says to his guard “it’s freezing in this cell,…any chance of a bit more heat”,..
Guard replies “no problem,…I’ll put you another bar on”.

Capt'n Midnight

My mate just told me I don't understand irony at all.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

Capt'n Midnight

My favourite Dave Allen story.

A reporter was interviewing him and asked him what the secret of comedy was. Allen hung up on him.

A few days later, the reporter's phone rang, he picked it up and Allen said 'Timing.'

M.T. Cranium

I've been told I lack empathy but in both cases the person had just lost their job so I suppose they weren't thinking straight.

Capt'n Midnight

I went to a hairdressers in Newcastle recently and asked “Could you please give me a perm?”

“Certainly, Madam” said the hairdresser, “Ah wandered lernly as a clood...”

Capt'n Midnight

When the waiter brought me a horse with a stocking over its head, I had to to repeat: “ No, Mascarpone.”

byrner88

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are.

Capt'n Midnight

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

Capt'n Midnight

I have a horse called Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

tayto lover

I know a small barman.

But he’s counter productive.

Capt'n Midnight

We were so poor growing up that for breakfast we had ordinary K

RobMc59

I used to cough to hide a fart
Now I fart to hide a cough...

BENDYBINN

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

We were so poor growing up that for breakfast we had ordinary K

We only had A.......

Edgware

BENDYBINN wrote: »

We only had A.......

We were so poor I had to share my bed with my three brothers. I could swim before I could walk.

Capt'n Midnight

In Iran everyone’s scared of spiders, but In Iraq no phobia.

byrner88

The last time I played football on a plane and I ran up the wing

1990sman

the lantern laughed... as the fish had no bicycle!

:D:D:D:D:D

coolhull

Peter showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Peter, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Peter said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that O'Brien had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal his hat."
The priest said, "Well, Peter, I notice that you didn't steal O'Brien's hat. What changed your mind?"
Peter replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal O'Brien's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Peter a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Peter slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' --
I remembered where I left me hat!

coolhull

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion, “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm.” They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. “Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!”

Capt'n Midnight

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible.....................it's also terrible.

Bob Harris

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible.....................it's also terrible.

Sounds like the one Donald Trump uses.