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What should I do

Wow_really

Ok so here’s the deal with my bloke for over seven years don’t live together - just the way it is. But his communication skills are horrific. Like for example his county is currently on lockdown so I can’t visit him and like wise with him. Haven’t seen him in over a month now - but that’s not the problem. He never rings me and when I ring him he doesn’t pick up - all communication is via WhatsApp texting? He says he’s not into small talk. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month all communication via WhatsApp text. Any suggestions

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KaneToad

Wow_really wrote: »

Ok so here’s the deal with my bloke for over seven years don’t live together - just the way it is. But his communication skills are horrific. Like for example his county is currently on lockdown so I can’t visit him and like wise with him. Haven’t seen him in over a month now - but that’s not the problem. He never rings me and when I ring him he doesn’t pick up - all communication is via WhatsApp texting? He says he’s not into small talk. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month all communication via WhatsApp text. Any suggestions

If communication is important to you in a relationship and if you're not happy, tell him. If he's not willing to instigate some changes to improve your happiness - he's not the one for you.

Wow_really

Communication very important especially since it’s not like we are able to see each other with lockdown. Bloody sick trying to get it into that grey matter of his lol 😂

Zebrag

OP can I ask, when you say you ring and he never picks up but will communicate via WhatsApp, does he responds straight away, both to the miss call or just messages in general? Does he respond a little while later?

Would the nature of ringing him be around the time he's working (if WFH) or is it, he genuinely doesn't pick up for a reason that he doesn't like to speak on the phone?

I think it's fair to say that communication lacks on his part but I can't say if it's due to laziness or he genuinely doesn't like speaking on the phone which I can understand. Not many people do and would rather just have their conversations over text. Would I be right to say that he doesn't answer WhatsApp video calls either?

I'm not sure if you would feel comfortable doing it over text, seeing that's your only form of communication but I think a stern word of communication issues in the relationship might be worth talking to him about. Obviously a text can change the whole dynamic of a conversation and can either be taken up the wrong way or your partner knows how you come across over text but I think to nip this in the bud and tell him out straight you're not impressed by his lack of communication and would like to know why this is an issue, especially after so many years and maybe if he's willing, to meet you half way and ring for 10 minutes, a quick hello and then text (just an example)

Most couples would base their relationships on communication, which normally is the ideal situation but there's always one person that would expect more or less from the other and often can cause frustrations. After years you soon realise that your partner hates texting but would rather chat over a call or would rather text and not call but either ways, a quick phone call never does any harm as far as I'm concerned.

I know my partner detest ringing anyone, let alone me whereas I would happily video call or ring someone for a natter but if something was important or he's just ringing for a quick chat on my lunch to see how I'm getting on but I wouldn't go as far as saying, and I'm sure many would agree, that relationships are mainly based on text and no form of voice communication (unless you're deaf and hard of hearing, which could also be another factor, he might not he able to hear properly?)

But either ways, I think to nip this and to get it off your chest as well, it might be best to just say it too him and see what he says

Wow_really

Yeah he will reply pretty quick and sometimes hours before a response. Only response to texts never to missed calls. I don’t call him in when he’s working. I would text sometimes during the day and the same on his behalf. Try to call him in the evenings and weekends but never answer the calls. Told him hundreds of times that it frustrates me that he won’t pick up a call or god forbid make one. Any of my friends that are in relationships both male and female friends will ring their partners endlessly throughout the day and he can’t understand how that’s a normal thing to do.

Gruffalux

Wow_really wrote: »

Yeah he will reply pretty quick and sometimes hours before a response. Only response to texts never to missed calls. I don’t call him in when he’s working. I would text sometimes during the day and the same on his behalf. Try to call him in the evenings and weekends but never answer the calls. Told him hundreds of times that it frustrates me that he won’t pick up a call or god forbid make one. Any of my friends that are in relationships both male and female friends will ring their partners endlessly throughout the day and he can’t understand how that’s a normal thing to do.

While this does sound annoying - he sounds like one of my sons - it is not always so at all that people in relationships ring each other endlessly throughout the day. I hate phones. I would hate if my partner rang me often. If my husband phones I ask what do you want. It is just a pragmatic tool in my view, to accomplish daily activities. Being pinned down by a phone "chat" is loathsome to me. And to my son. I know my son loves me and vice versa and we send messages on whatsapp or messenger regularly but months could pass without chatting. Some people just hate phones. Some people adore them. My mother would be happy to have one surgically attached to her ear. I have friends who sit back sighing with happiness when taking a phone call. These happy sighs are mysterious to me!
I know it must be bad that you cannot go see him or he you. Is there any way ye could? Or make a fortnightly deal where he agrees to endure a 30 minute facetime chat or skype? Otherwise I dunno.

Caryatnid

Could be be married, or in a live-in relationship?

GarIT

Maybe he doesn't like phone calls? Shoveling slurry would be more pleasant than a phone call with my GF imo. And they talk about so much nonsense, why doest it matter what time I woke up at or what I ate, I believe that you, a human, ate food today, why describe it in great detail? and why complain if I try to make the conversations actually interesting if I do something like starting a discussions on the merits of Bringing Varadker back in place of Mehole.

I know what I'm saying is ridiculous. Point is, some don't like phone calls and see them as wasting the day.

Wow_really

Well I personally don’t think I’m asking for the world. Just a phone call ever now and then or pick up if I call. Be nice to have a chat every so often rather than texting all the time.

completedit

GarIT wrote: »

Maybe he doesn't like phone calls? Shoveling slurry would be more pleasant than a phone call with my GF imo. And they talk about so much nonsense, why doest it matter what time I woke up at or what I ate, I believe that you, a human, ate food today, why describe it in great detail? and why complain if I try to make the conversations actually interesting if I do something like starting a discussions on the merits of Bringing Varadker back in place of Mehole.

I know what I'm saying is ridiculous. Point is, some don't like phone calls and see them as wasting the day.

Definitely. What could you possibly have to talk about that needs to be over the phone. Women need to chill out about this. Communication doesn't mean talking all the time, especially highlighted in the middle of a global pandemic where individually it is the most restricted and one dimensional most of our lives have ever been. There's loads going on but in my experience girls, even intelligent and smart ones, don't tend to call up to discuss the Armenian and Azerbaijan conflict with their bf.

There's a lot of pressure when you call someone on the phone. Some people and I don't know how can chat for ages about everything but others find it jarring. Finding words or conversation with no reference point. It's difficult man

lucalux

As already stated up thread, this isn't a women thing. Plenty of women don't like talking on the phone, or don't see the point of endless calls to someone you'd be seeing anyway, in the normal run of things. I don't like calls unless there's a purpose to them, it's functional to me. Am a woman btw

To your specific issue OP, after 7years I would imagine the communication thing isn't a surprise to you. Yes, the lockdown has changed things in relation to how you guys can conduct your relationship, but if you explain the lack of contact being an issue for you to your partner, and 'it won't go into his grey matter' then I think it's an issue that is one of compatibility maybe.

If you can accept that's how he is it would help, but would you be willing to accept this?
Is it a really important thing for you to have daily contact with a significant other?
Do you think it's more or less an issue because you don't live together? i.e.

If you lived together, would you still expect the same level of interaction throughout the day or is it because of not living together and lockdown specifically?

To other's points that he may hate phone calls in general, or ones where nothing 'important' is talked about - after 7 years that might have come up. Ever had a conversation about that with your partner OP?
Has he ever said he doesn't like talking on the phone for any reason? And has this always been the case or would ye have chatted on the phone at other times?

GarIT

Wow_really wrote: »

Well I personally don’t think I’m asking for the world. Just a phone call ever now and then or pick up if I call. Be nice to have a chat every so often rather than texting all the time.

The point is for him it might not be nice. It could be awful, even tramuatic, I feel trapped when I'm on a phone call but have nothing to say. There is an immense pressure not to be boring when I know at the time my life is completely boring.

The way my head works if I are not sharing new important information then it's not worth saying or listening to. I think a lot of guys operate like that.

Wow_really

But like it’s a phone call. We haven’t seen or spoke to each other in a month only via WhatsApp texting. Not asking for the world would love just a phone call to see how everything is going etc. I talk to my work mates more than I do to him

GarIT

Wow_really wrote: »

But like it’s a phone call. We haven’t seen or spoke to each other in a month only via WhatsApp texting. Not asking for the world would love just a phone call to see how everything is going etc. I talk to my work mates more than I do to him

To you it's a simple phone call, to him it might not be.

If there have been no major life events I'm sure everything is going fine, there's that whole conversation handled.

It's not great for you either and that's completely understandable, compromise would be ideal, but you need to try to think about his side of it, maybe it's a very difficult thing for him to do. 40% of under 25s find phone calls (even just to order food) cause stress and anxiety.

You should think about his communication style to possibly make calls easier too. I know people who are disgusted if you try to end a phone call before an hour (my mother) when I believe that nothing outside the first 2-5 minutes was worth saying and we just wasted an hour of our lives.

I also plan my day in my head when I wake up in the morning, an unspceified amount of time coming out of my day is stressful.

He probably doesn't think all of those things, but any one of them could be causing his issues.

Sonic the Shaghog

OP what way is the relationship otherwise?

If the virus wasn't here what is your visit schedule with him? Would ye meet weekly? Do you always go to him?

I get some don't like phone calls, maybe even anxiety, however I suffer from it too and after 7 years together you'd be well able to make the effort to talk to your gf of 7 years on the phone if you haven't met in 4 weeks

What ages are ye? Any talk of moving into together? Any interest in marriage or kids?

GarIT

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

OP what way is the relationship otherwise?

If the virus wasn't here what is your visit schedule with him? Would ye meet weekly? Do you always go to him?

I get some don't like phone calls, maybe even anxiety, however I suffer from it too and after 7 years together you'd be well able to make the effort to talk to your gf of 7 years on the phone if you haven't met in 4 weeks

What ages are ye? Any talk of moving into together? Any interest in marriage or kids?

Huge generalisation, not everyone is, it only takes one in this case.

Wow_really

If the virus wasn’t here we would be together the whole weekend Friday to Sunday I go to him or vice versa unless one of us had something on. Loads of interest in marriage kids living together etc but when he’s not willing to make a phone call or accept one I’m beginning to question myself - what if something was wrong and I couldn’t get him on the phone - if we had kids would he answer the phone etc. just simple things really

Tork

Wow_really wrote: »

... when he’s not willing to make a phone call or accept one I’m beginning to question myself - what if something was wrong and I couldn’t get him on the phone - if we had kids would he answer the phone etc. just simple things really

Have you made this point to him? I know not everybody likes phone calls and that people of a younger generation will do anything to avoid making them. But as you said, him not answering calls could have serious consequences if something happens and you need to talk to him urgently. If my OH behaved like this during emergencies that crop up in every couple's life, I'd probably be in prison for homicide now.

JustAThought

OP -
if you were engaged/married would you live together? If you had kids would you be married? Would he talk to you then? Would he pull his weight and make a physical and verbaL effort in the relationship if you had kids . He won’t do
it for you - why not? Do you not matter enough? Why should uninvented kids matter more? Why should you have a child for to prove he won’t change & be saddled with that link and burden for life?

Sounds like his behaviour enables
him to participate in exactly what he wants -
no close chat, no comfort, no close intimate emotional contact, only sex & on his terms when he wants it aNd no long term commitment other than to fulfill his needs and on his terms. After 7 years you have as many red flags to his level of commitment as a communist party rally. This is not just about phone calls and closeness it is about him keeping the commitment and ‘relationship’ as emotionally distant and inaccessible as he possibly can. using covid as another ‘reason’ / excuse to keep you at arms length is a fairly predictable tactic and maybe its time to simpky call an end to it all and open yourself to
meeting someone who wants to
spend time with you and build a
future with you - not just someone who will hold you in that place of not really girlfriend not friend not a proper relationship no commitment placeholder. He is currently hilding you for his exclusive use and
preventing you from ever being available and free for others to date and have a committed, non batchelor, non teenage ‘closet gf
with sex when I want ‘ ‘relationship’ with.
You are worth more than this. Talking and being clise to, bonded with and physically l, verbally and emotionally available to someone you love is NoRMAL ADULT expectTion. What does he think
he is doing keeping you 7 years and not veing motivated enough to move your relationship to a
more
solid commitment, not being available to
move your households
together, tLking about children but not bothering to call
or answer yor calls - and putting you in the text and sex only zone??? ffs. This is not normal and not a relationship. Deal yourself a better hand of cards and find yourself an emotionally and physically available boyfriend - not this dog in a manger placeholder. You want a
man not a texter (with when he want it sex on tap but don’t bother me with chat).

bobbyy gee

time to move on

Wow_really

Think you guys are right. I only want a bit of communication it’s not much to ask for tbh and imo

JustAThought

Wow_really wrote: »

Think you guys are right. I only want a bit of communication it’s not much to ask for tbh and imo

This is the same guy you wrote about a few
months back who won’t go on holidays with you, goes off for weekends with his mates and won’t tell you when he hoing away and has NEVER brought you along or brought you away on a romantic weekend or weekend of any kind in seven years of your ‘relationship’. ?

He is taking you for an absolute ride and absolutely taking the piss. This is not normal behaviour nor in any way acceptable and as a whole paints an extremely dark picture and one with no future for you but being utterly used and lonely. You deserve far far better, and can achieve this - with a normal, decent human who treats you with love, affection, dignity, and respect. You need to remove this individual from your life while you still have a chance of having one, or children, or aNy kind of normal human relationship that is not utterly one sided and based on him using you and taking and giving as absolutely minimum in every way that he can. He sounds like an appalling man. Run run run. You deserve so much more and this is not normal in any way when taken as a whole. Any one part for extreme and unusual reasons might in extreme and rare circumstance posssibly be excused away or allowed in extreme circumstance - but not aLl of these elements together. It is just abuse of you and your good nature and need to be loved and willingness to put up with his exploitation of your nature aNd willingness to believe him and put up with and make excuses for his terrible way of treating you.

Why do you think this is acceptable or normal for seven while years. Where are your family or friends in helping you in all this? You should not be this abandoned or alone aNd you should not be accepting these behaviours from any man. It is not 1950’s patriachial Ireland anymore. You need to totally drop him while you can still have chance at a normal happy life and happy futire. At the
moment you have not only nothing you have less that that - as he is not allowing you to be free to live a normal life or mKe plans or have a future but is also
keeping you enslaved and in chains in case
he might want to use you for a while - whilst offering almost nothing in return to benefit you.

IMO delete his number/block him on whatsapp and if he has a key change your locks. Have nothing more to do with him and his greed and casual cruelty. He sounds like an absolute abnormal leech and human paracite. You deserve far better.

Tork

I've just found the thread Just A Thought mentioned. https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2058101445/1

If you've chosen to continue with this arrangement (it's not a relationship) for all these years, I don't suppose ignored phone calls will make much of a difference to you, will it? Why are your standards for a relationship so low? This fella is taking you for a ride in multiple ways and you haven't shouted stop at any point along the way. You've no intention of ending this, do you?

It wouldn't surprise me if he has a wife or girlfriend and that you are his bit on the side. It'd explain his refusal to talk on the phone, especially now that he's home a lot more than he was and would be overheard.

In short, OP, you should be ending this and moving on with your life. You're getting nothing out of this other than deluding yourself into thinking you have a boyfriend.

eviltwin

He’s playing you like a fiddle and you’re letting him. I can’t believe you’ve wasted 7 years with someone who treats you like this. You deserve so much better. Time to end things I think.

Telly

Why dont you stop messaging him on whatsapp and let him know you're not comfortable with that. See then if he wants to talk to you on the phone. If he doesnt then it sounds like it's dead in the water.

sbsquarepants

I'm not a phone talker either. I find it unbelievably irritating to be kept on the phone talking about nothing, at least with text I can still do whatever I'm doing and respond when it suits.

My girlfriend used to get very pissed off when I'd ask her "what did you ring me for?" like it was some bizzare question to ask. You went to the time and bother of ringing me, it doesn't seem strange to me to wonder was there maybe some specific reason for doing so?

My phone calls tend to be extremely short and to the point -

I'm walking in to tesco, do you want anything while I'm here?

No

Grand, see you later so.

That kind of thing. I have zero interest in talking for 20 minutes about how my day is going, the weather, who I've seen, did I hear about so and so - or anything else for that matter!

Tork

But I bet none of you have booked multiple holidays abroad without telling your girlfriends. You need to read the post I've linked to.

HildaOgdenx

This is what you said, in your previous thread.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=114205832&postcount=41

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=114205823&postcount=40

It's not a good sign that you are back, with the same dilemma in such a short time, OP.

Every relationship has ups and downs but this is another level entirely. Why stay in a relationship, that makes you feel like that?

You know what you need to do.

sbsquarepants

Tork wrote: »

But I bet none of you have booked multiple holidays abroad without telling your girlfriends. You need to read the post I've linked to.

No!

I only seen that post after I'd replied. This guy is clearly stringing her along, could be just through being not particularly interested in a full on relationship, or because she's not his only "girlfriend". Either way OP - you're 7 years in, things aren't going to improve. If you're looking for more, I think you'd really need to be looking elsewhere. This is basically just a sex arrangement as far as I can see.

jmlad2020

He sounds a bit like me. I loathe talking on the phone about nonsense for any period of time over 10 minutes, but in person with a girlfriend i love talking crap about anything. It is more meaningful for me. Face to face is what I'm into.

But if he isn't treating you right in person then I suggest you move on. Otherwise he might be autistic or something, something he can't help. Bring it up before dumping him. Don't just put it all on him

ManOfMystery

I'm surprised by some of the responses here about people who don't like talking on the phone.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat, I get that part - I'm the same. I find that frequent short phone calls are repetitive, tedious and you end up talking mindless drivel about the weather and if your day is going good or going bad. I went out with a girl when I was at uni and she lived far away, she had this need for a phone call every night (which I eventually had to put to a stop) and these calls could easily drag into an hour or more. I really didn't have that much to talk about and often it was pointless silly conversation.

But what the OP has an issue with here is very different. She's not asking for daily phone calls. She hasn't spoken to her partner of 7yrs in a month. Setting asides all the issues that posters have noted from previous threads, in principle I don't think a single phone call in a month is too much to ask for, and his reticence at even having a quick chat on the phone is simply another piece of proof that he really sees this whole relationship as a casual thing he can step in and out of when he feels like it, and to hell with the OP's feelings.