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Saving issues.

mycro2013

Hi,
Not sure if this the right thread for this.

Currently in the process of applying for a mortgage. My partner of a number of years seems to think that as I have the deposit saved she should not have the need to save a contributory amount and that my funds should be used for the application.

I've said repeatedly that a house purchase should be a team effort. Any views on this will be greatly appreciated as it a source of disagreement. Thanks.

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Zebrag

ILoveYourVibes is possibly trolling or genuinely belives what they belive. That's fine.

This whole "The men pays for everything" has long sailed that boat and if the OP's girlfriend also thinks that well I'm sorry but when $hit does hit the fan, house is bought and OP loses their job, where will the girlfriend go then? My thinking, she will blame OP and off she goes elsewhere and he's left picking up the pieces and let's everyone think OP was the problem.

If this was a woman posting the same thread using the same scenario, she would also be told to leave her partner and she's worth more than that burden so that goes for OP.

Regardless of who you are, where you're from, it's a given that as a couple who would like to have a future together, to contribute. If one takes the burden of it all, often it ends in complete disaster. Especially if marriage is on the cards further down the line, how does the girlfriend expect OP to pay for a mortage and save for a wedding? I may be adding more example problems here but it goes line in line. I'm sensing the house savings isn't the first of their fiancial arguments and it won't be the last, if they do go ahead and buy a house.

We are all entitled to an opinion and OP asked for advice which I do hope they take into consideration as I firmly believe a house purchase is a big commitment and nothing something they should take lightly so the girlfriend needs a stern word or two, if he doesn't and her friends think the partners should pay, then it's clear the girlfriend is living in La La Land and hasn't been in touch with reality or better still, has never experience life's problems (which let's face it we've all had our fair shares with probably more too come) It's part and parcel of life.

But for a commenter to state that OP is being tight. I'm drawing the line there. There's being tight to the point of pealing oranges in your pockets and there's using common sense. OP stated they've worked many hours to gather enough for a deposit, that itself shows determination as it is. For his girlfriend to point blank refuse to help, then no I'm sorry, she's taking him for a ride. She doesn't necessarily have to get another job or do more hours herself but she could at least put SOMETHING towards the deposit, if not make an agreement towards house bills etc. But I am leaning towards the girlfriend being more than happy to let OP do literally everything and then walk away when things aren't going well

ILoveYourVibes

GingerLily wrote: »

If you're only in your twenties I think you're very premature to assume you actually know what's going on with the finances in other people's relationships and how that changes when you get older.

People fresh out of college in their twenties and people in their thirties have completely different finances.

I used to work in a mortgage shop. (mortgage brokerage)

It doesn't really matter to be me what others do.

They can do them. I do me. Etc.

If its not the 'norm' ....you can say the op's girlfriend ..you are not being normal etc. I doubt it will change her though. As she is getting validation from her friends about it. They are doing the same thing.

GingerLily

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Im in my twenties ..all my friends and my brother etc the men are the bread winners.

I would say you are wrong. I know a lot of women who were accountants etc before they married.

But I wish them all the best.

If you're only in your twenties I think you're very premature to assume you actually know what's going on with the finances in other people's relationships and how that changes when you get older.

People fresh out of college in their twenties and people in their thirties have completely different finances.

ILoveYourVibes

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

I completely agree. They are obviously not compatible on such an important issue.

Then he should tell her tomorrow.

Give her an ultimatum. Or better yet just walk. Best not string it out.

jam_mac_jam

GingerLily wrote: »

My female friends are solicitors, accountants, GPs, pharmacists, team leaders and restaurant managers etc. we're all able to live quite independently (some single some married) , it's the norm where we're from to expect to contribute.

I'd say it's the norm for most Irish women in their late twenties and early thirties.

I know as many homes where the women are the bread winners compared to the men, in my peer group, but everyone pays what they can.

That would be the norm for people I know and family as well.

jam_mac_jam

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If he feels that way he should move on.

I completely agree. They are obviously not compatible on such an important issue.

ILoveYourVibes

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

He doesn't love her because he won't be taken advantage of? Maybe he just loves himself and has some respect for himself?

If he feels that way he should move on.

GingerLily

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its actually quite normal. A lot of women let on they are way more independant than they are.

.

My female friends are solicitors, accountants, GPs, pharmacists, team leaders and restaurant managers etc. we're all able to live quite independently (some single some married) , it's the norm where we're from to expect to contribute.

I'd say it's the norm for most Irish women in their late twenties and early thirties.

I know as many homes where the women are the bread winners compared to the men, in my peer group, but everyone pays what they can.

jam_mac_jam

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Money is a language.

What you do with it ..says a lot about the way you feel.

He doesn't love her ..and definitely not who she really is.

I mean you yourself are all saying walk.

He should walk.

He doesn't love her because he won't be taken advantage of? Maybe he just loves himself and has some respect for himself?

jam_mac_jam

It's not the 1950s and men no longer need to pay for anything or should they. If you have respect for your partner you will contribute.

Unless she is at home full time minding children then there is no reason in the world for him to pay for anything. If she expects this then she is going to find it very difficult to find a partner that will put up with this.

wirelessdude01

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its actually quite normal. A lot of women let on they are way more independant than they are.

Then he can walk.

Yeah he's tight.

She obv feels money is part of what he brings to the table.

And she obv wants a man who does bring money to the table. If people need to have it spelled out. I doubt she would stay with him if he refused to use his money for the whole thing. I think she would walk.

TBH he feels that about her too ...he is asking her to bring money to the table.

Guessing you don't subscribe to equality then!!

I'm really hoping that you are just playing devils advocate in this thread and really don't hold the attitude you are displaying on here in real life.

ILoveYourVibes

osarusan wrote: »

What a load of shyte.

If you loved her, you wouldn't feel this way, you would want to just give her the money.

OP, ignore every word of it.

Money is a language.

What you do with it ..says a lot about the way you feel.

He doesn't love her ..and definitely not who she really is.

I mean you yourself are all saying walk.

He should walk.

ILoveYourVibes

Pkiernan wrote: »

what a bunch of crap.

You say the OP is tight?

He's working twice the hours and paying more than twice the rent of his leech of a girlfriend.

Op...you should move out and get a place of your own.

Its actually quite normal. A lot of women let on they are way more independant than they are.

Then he can walk.

Yeah he's tight.

She obv feels money is part of what he brings to the table.

And she obv wants a man who does bring money to the table. If people need to have it spelled out. I doubt she would stay with him if he refused to use his money for the whole thing. I think she would walk.

TBH he feels that about her too ...he is asking her to bring money to the table.

The OP wants to be in HER position if you know what i mean.

He should probably walk.

jam_mac_jam

The fact she is not willing to contribute anything is a major red flag. Why should I? Really?

There is no way all her friends partners are like this. No way in this day and age. Don't fall for it. What's going to happen when you have kids or hit bad financial times? Is she going to sit back and let you do everything.

I love my partner very much but there is no way I would pay for everything unless he was unable to work. The comment was made that you don't love her or you wouldn't do it. What about her feelings towards you? She can't even be arsed saving a small amount?

You are being taken for a ride here. Don't do it. It will only end in misery.

Pkiernan

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

She is probably contributing to the relationship in other ways. :rolleyes:

Different people bring different things to the table.

She brings herself.

His attitude is not acceptable in a grown man to me.

Yes I would expect that.

But you are not a BAD guy per say. That would be very judgemental.

I don't know what has developed your character and thinking about money etc. You seem tight to me. But that obviously isn't how you see yourself. That is my perception. Its an individual thing.

My brother for example pays for all the rent and expenses for his GF. All his friends do the same. In fact one of his friends married a girl from China and there the guy has to buy the woman a house before they get married. It took them much longer to do so ....if she had helped ...they could have gotten it much sooner.

Are you sure you really love her?

I mean if you loved her .... i don't think you would be thinking this way. You would want to give it to her. I think you should take pride in having saved the money yourself etc.

Its not uncommon for the guy to have a house or buy property before even getting engaged. Or to have the money.

You seem to want her quality of life to go down ....she should get another job etc work her fingers to the bone..to save when you already have the money. I don't think that's wise.

I honestly DONT think you have her best interests at heart. You don't want the best for her. But are concerned about protecting your money.

And that is probably how it seems to her. And she knows you already have the money etc.

I mean you realize when you marry etc she will own half of everything you own anyway right?

Same pretty much if you move in.

If you have an issue considering half the money you have hers. Don't move in with her. That would be my genuine fair advice to you.

It's clear that is the way she is thinking. Whether you agree with it or not.

I am not sure why you would move in with anyone knowing that if you feel this way about money. The best thing for you to do would be to buy the house yourself ...and not move in with her.

Is it possible she is from a wealthier background than you?

what a bunch of crap.

You say the OP is tight?

He's working twice the hours and paying more than twice the rent of his leech of a girlfriend.

Op...you should move out and get a place of your own.

wirelessdude01

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

She is probably contributing to the relationship in other ways. :rolleyes:

Different people bring different things to the table.

She brings herself.

His attitude is not acceptable in a grown man to me.

Yes I would expect that.

But you are not a BAD guy per say. That would be very judgemental.

I don't know what has developed your character and thinking about money etc. You seem tight to me. But that obviously isn't how you see yourself. That is my perception. Its an individual thing.

My brother for example pays for all the rent and expenses for his GF. All his friends do the same. In fact one of his friends married a girl from China and there the guy has to buy the woman a house before they get married. It took them much longer to do so ....if she had helped ...they could have gotten it much sooner.

Are you sure you really love her?

I mean if you loved her .... i don't think you would be thinking this way. You would want to give it to her. I think you should take pride in having saved the money yourself etc.

Its not uncommon for the guy to have a house or buy property before even getting engaged. Or to have the money.

You seem to want her quality of life to go down ....she should get another job etc work her fingers to the bone..to save when you already have the money. I don't think that's wise.

I honestly DONT think you have her best interests at heart. You don't want the best for her. But are concerned about protecting your money.

And that is probably how it seems to her. And she knows you already have the money etc.

I mean you realize when you marry etc she will own half of everything you own anyway right?

Same pretty much if you move in.

If you have an issue considering half the money you have hers. Don't move in with her. That would be my genuine fair advice to you.

It's clear that is the way she is thinking. Whether you agree with it or not.

I am not sure why you would move in with anyone knowing that if you feel this way about money. The best thing for you to do would be to buy the house yourself ...and not move in with her.

Is it possible she is from a wealthier background than you?

Wow, wow, wow.

Didn't realise peope with this attitude actually still existed in the 21st century.

OP, just walk.

GingerLily

Any decent partner will save and contribute their own savings into a relationship when they can afford to. There is no alternative in a relationship with mutual respect for each other.

It's not fair to expect her to match your savings if you've had a few years head start, but right now you should both be reasonably contributing to savings for a house (we do it proportionally in our house, higher earner pays more but has more pocket money).

Don't listen to that out dated nonsense above, you clearly don't want the kind of backwards outdated relationship, don't let anyone talk you into it, it's no longer the norm.

osarusan

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

She is probably contributing to the relationship in other ways. :rolleyes:

Different people bring different things to the table.

She brings herself.

His attitude is not acceptable in a grown man to me.

Yes I would expect that.

But you are not a BAD guy per say. That would be very judgemental.

I don't know what has developed your character and thinking about money etc. You seem tight to me. But that obviously isn't how you see yourself. That is my perception. Its an individual thing.

My brother for example pays for all the rent and expenses for his GF. All his friends do the same. In fact one of his friends married a girl from China and there the guy has to buy the woman a house before they get married. It took them much longer to do so ....if she had helped ...they could have gotten it much sooner.

Are you sure you really love her?

I mean if you loved her .... i don't think you would be thinking this way. You would want to give it to her. I think you should take pride in having saved the money yourself etc.

Its not uncommon for the guy to have a house or buy property before even getting engaged. Or to have the money.

You seem to want her quality of life to go down ....she should get another job etc work her fingers to the bone..to save when you already have the money. I don't think that's wise.

I honestly DONT think you have her best interests at heart. You don't want the best for her. But are concerned about protecting your money.

And that is probably how it seems to her. And she knows you already have the money etc.

I mean you realize when you marry etc she will own half of everything you own anyway right?

Same pretty much if you move in.

If you have an issue considering half the money you have hers. Don't move in with her. That would be my genuine fair advice to you.

It's clear that is the way she is thinking. Whether you agree with it or not.

I am not sure why you would move in with anyone knowing that if you feel this way about money. The best thing for you to do would be to buy the house yourself ...and not move in with her.

Is it possible she is from a wealthier background than you?

What a load of shyte.

If you loved her, you wouldn't feel this way, you would want to just give her the money.

OP, ignore every word of it.

bilbot79

'She brings herself.

His attitude is not acceptable in a grown man to me.'

'She brings herself' doesn't quite cut the mustard though does it? I mean, he brings himself too doesn't he?

I think this approach is borne of another time when the woman was the heart of the home and the man made all the money. It's very different now and even divorce outcomes are less female centric than they once were.

For my 2 cents, I have no problem with his contribution being the lions share simply because he has it and she doesn't but she should definitely make a meaningful contribution now and going forward. The fact that this is bothering him at all means she needs to deal with it, the relationship needs it.

Zebrag

As someone who is saving myself and understands the struggles at times, this also sounds extremely disheartening. What's supposed to be an exciting process seems like it's going to have a huge impact all around. I understand saving for a house can be a lot harder for some people but when one is making all the effort and the other isn't bothered whatsoever and then is more than happy for one to pay for it all, it makes you wonder if its worth the hasle.

You could go the simple route, put the mortage in your name (all documents, insurance etc) and your partner pays her share of her mortage which will essentially be rent considering she hasn't contributed to saving and/or bothered to show any willingness to help along the way. Also, if you're petty enough (and I hope you're not because it's not going to solve anything) you can make it clear that she has absolutely no say whatsoever what happens to the house which then brings me to legal documents like wills etc you will have to be clear on who recieves the house and all that not fun stuff. That's a lot of thinking to do.

Or.

You could pay the mortage yourself and she pays for everything else, bills, shopping etc. Which I'm sure she'll be more than happy to do if that's how she wants to contribute. This could mean no arguments and it will literally be she pays for Internet, electricity, food shopping and so forth if this seems easier and will cause less arguments so you just need to worry about the mortgage but you say that she's a spender and doesn't care or think about money, then more than likely you'll end up finding something hasn't been paid and this will cause more issues. But that could just be me jumping the gun here and assuming the worst.

Or.

Have a serious sit down with her, tell her what she's doing isn't fair and make her see reality as in, the house will be in your name and all things considered if anything was to happen and somewhere down the line (this is going to sound morbid) but you were to pass away, she could be entitled to absolutely nothing. If you put it all in your name and pretty much shown she has no involvement then she really has nothing. If she can spend the next 6 months consistently saving and then adds that to your deposit then she's shown she is serious and is willing pay her way then all is fine and go ahead on your journey to finding your home.

I know people have said after a certain length of time she would be entitled to something and I'm sure that's true in cases but I would seek advice on this if you dead serious on wanting to buy a home. Moreso if you two did buy a home and then split up, there will be more arguments on who owns what and its just going to be fight after fight. Over time it will wear you down and it already is and you haven't even bought the house yet.

If I'm going to be personal here it really sounds like your partner has seen you've saved a good chunk and taught to herself sure why should I bother and wants to leave you to do all the paper work and will be more than happy to think SHE bought a house, it's OUR house she will say. Don't get me wrong, she probably is a really lovely person with a big heart and will do all she can in other aspects of the relationship but a house is a huge fiancial step and it's not a case of we have the receipt we can return it if things go wrong. Once names are signed, I's are dotted and T's are crossed, its official and you really don't want to be carrying the burden of your partners financial woes (over spending etc) along the way, causing you more stress.

I had a friend years ago (we don't speak now) who's partner bought a house and a year later he ended up walking out because she done absolutely nothing to contribute. Didn't pay bills. Didn't pay her part of the mortage. When I say nothing, I mean nothing. Was more than happy to flaunt her lifestyle and making everything think she had it easy. He had money left over from an inheritance added in with his savings and of course they decided to buy a house thinking it would make everything perfect. He was left to pay for everything and she demanded things to be done in the house. Renovations and all sorts. He ended up saying "Fcuk this" and walked out. He paid the mortgage for a year to make sure she saved enough to move out and he sold the house. It ended up causing other problems that didn't even need to happen. That itself was another long process for him but safe to say they don't talk anymore. It was sad to see but it's prime example of one person doing it all and the other thinking they have it easy.

OP have a good long think about what it is you want to do. I understand you love your girlfriend and that's lovely, but when it comes to buying a house, you'll soon find out exactly what she's like and it seems you already do know. You've your worries already before you've begun the process that itself shows you're already thinking ahead which isn't a bad thing at all but if this is your first concern then when you do buy a house, what will be your next concern? Asking her to set up a direct account to pay? Asking her if she paid a certain bill? Have a good long talk with her and a long think with yourself and it'll come to you.

Good luck OP

Also I don't think it's about being tight with money, it's about being realistic here. Why should one person put eveeything they have into something and the other sits back? As far as I'm concerned it's a two way street with help along the way. If she is willing to contribute in other factors of the home then that's fair enough she's not going to be totally selfish about it all but OP doesn't sound tight with money. Most couples save together, whether it being one saves more than the other or one has the amount there and the other just wants to add onto it but for one person to save and pay for it all, that's not really fair

ILoveYourVibes

This is it wrote: »

Where is the effort from the partner who wants to buy a house with the OPs money.

She is probably contributing to the relationship in other ways. :rolleyes:

Different people bring different things to the table.

She brings herself.

His attitude is not acceptable in a grown man to me.

mycro2013 wrote: »

We are both the same age early 30's. A point raised by a2lue42 seems to be on point as anytime I raise the issue it's as if I'm the bad guy with none of her friends partners raising similar issues.

Yes I would expect that.

But you are not a BAD guy per say. That would be very judgemental.

I don't know what has developed your character and thinking about money etc. You seem tight to me. But that obviously isn't how you see yourself. That is my perception. Its an individual thing.

My brother for example pays for all the rent and expenses for his GF. All his friends do the same. In fact one of his friends married a girl from China and there the guy has to buy the woman a house before they get married. It took them much longer to do so ....if she had helped ...they could have gotten it much sooner.

Are you sure you really love her?

I mean if you loved her .... i don't think you would be thinking this way. You would want to give it to her. I think you should take pride in having saved the money yourself etc.

Its not uncommon for the guy to have a house or buy property before even getting engaged. Or to have the money.

You seem to want her quality of life to go down ....she should get another job etc work her fingers to the bone..to save when you already have the money. I don't think that's wise.

I honestly DONT think you have her best interests at heart. You don't want the best for her. But are concerned about protecting your money.

And that is probably how it seems to her. And she knows you already have the money etc.

I mean you realize when you marry etc she will own half of everything you own anyway right?

Same pretty much if you move in.

If you have an issue considering half the money you have hers. Don't move in with her. That would be my genuine fair advice to you.

It's clear that is the way she is thinking. Whether you agree with it or not.

I am not sure why you would move in with anyone knowing that if you feel this way about money. The best thing for you to do would be to buy the house yourself ...and not move in with her.

Is it possible she is from a wealthier background than you?

ILoveYourVibes

mycro2013 wrote: »

Hi,
Not sure if this the right thread for this.

Currently in the process of applying for a mortgage. My partner of a number of years seems to think that as I have the deposit saved she should not have the need to save a contributory amount and that my funds should be used for the application.

I've said repeatedly that a house purchase should be a team effort. Any views on this will be greatly appreciated as it a source of disagreement. Thanks.

It is a team effort. Do you think all of your money is all of yours solely?

You don't really have a partner then.

And you are NOT prepared to move in with someone. You should wait until you are older.

qwerty13

Did she grow up in a very traditional role household?

Have her parents been so generous to her that she expects others to just fall in line with whatever she wants?

Is she generous in other ways, like she does the bulk of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc?

How does she deal with any conflict (I know she makes you feel like the bad guy about the money discussions). But in general is she willing to talk things through, or compromise?

Tork

I think you should seriously reconsider this relationship. She's telling you who she is and from where I'm sitting, it doesn't paint a very flattering picture. You do realise that you'll be the sole breadwinner in your home and that she'll have a legal right to some of it on a few short years. Tread very very carefully.

Does your family like her?

PHG

This above is spot on.

Imagine the hassle when you have to kit it out. From what you describe, she will want to be the designer but with not a lot of the cash injection, if any.

Myself and my gf are thinking of buying early next year. I earn a good bit more than what she does. However, we have agreed that if we were to break up that we split the place by proportion of deposit paid by both of us and we are getting that in a legal doc.

That said she turns up with random stuff for the current apartment if we need it and will do extras groceries and not ask for or expect a penny so can't see any financial worries, but still, if its not in writing it never happened!

Buy the house and really think about ending the relationship. If you need extra cash then rent out a room. It will cost you more to have her there than if she were not.

It is very tough to end a relationship and start again, but it is worse to just settle with someone because it is easier and will lead to both of you being miserable.

In case you do stay together... Please do not under any circumstances put her as an owner of the house until she can show financial maturity. Worse case you own the house and she pays you market rent for a room

mabe

mycro2013 wrote: »

We are both the same age early 30's. A point raised by a2lue42 seems to be on point as anytime I raise the issue it's as if I'm the bad guy with none of her friends partners raising similar issues.

Other people are likely to have their own set of circumstances so it's irrelevant, major red flag , shows immaturity and avoidance of the issue. You can't move forward. Personally I'd walk away.

araic88

Just to add, even aside from the mortgage repayments, buying a house is expensive. If you have the deposit saved (well done!) the fees, furniture, appliances etc. really add up too, unless some are included. Does she have a plan to pay for/help pay for those.
Will she expect you to furnish it for her to her liking?
Could she be the type who is likely to get bored of the house in a few years & expect you to upsize?
Id have real concerns about this, lots to consider!

strandroad

OP she is how she is and she is telling you that she is not going to change. If you don't want to fund her her entire life my advice is to break up. You can't fix it.

You can get your house on your own if it still suits you, it sounds like you are well able.

mycro2013

We both work full time, her working week is 30 hours and mine is 40 plus 12-15 hours overtime per week project depending plus commute.

Pinoy adventure

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Are all her friends living pay cheque to pay cheque while their fellas supplement their lifestyles?

There might be a sugar daddy supplementing there lifestyle