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Breaking up over vaccination and other compatibility concerns?

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to begin, but I suppose tl;dr first:

My (30M) girlfriend (26F) of 8 months feels we should break up due to her not wanting to compromise. We recently moved in together and some things have come up where we disagree or don't have the same views on (which is fine, it happens) and I am willing to compromise and work through them together but she is not because she feels she will be "holding me back".

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The "issues" fall in to the following areas:

- Vaccinations; She has a Child. I recently found out that the Child is not vaccinated and my girlfriend seems to have pretty strong views against them. I explained that I would be pro vaccinations. We both want more Children so I asked that if we had our own together that I'd want them vaccinated but I would be willing to figure it out with her, do research and compromise where possible. She responded with "We'd figure it out together when the time comes" yet in the next breath is saying "I am pretty strong on my feelings about vaccinations and I am not willing to compromise any more". My family have expressed concern over having her Child around some of my nieces and nephews. To be clear, they said they respect her views, as do I, and are totally ok with hanging out but just need to be more careful.

- Living arrangements; I moved in with her which meant me moving outside the city, about 2hrs away from where I lived and worked and away from my Family and Friends. Which is fine, I accepted this and figured I would give it a go to see how I liked it. She has a Child so not as easy for her to move, I totally get that. I explained to her that while I am ok with it at the moment, long term I would hope to find a place with her together, somewhere that suited us both. She pretty much shot me down immediately and told me that she is not willing to move from this area. I respect that her life is here and to be fair she gave valid reasons as to why (Family, Friends, Support) but it just sucked to hear her not wanting to find a mutual place we both like and to compromise a little, like I have already.

- Swimming; I know this might seem like a ridiculous issue but let me explain. I grew up swimming from a young age. I competed in competitions and won medals through my youth and college days. I am a certified life guard and swim instructor (in my spare time, not as a career), so naturally this is very important to me. I would hope to be able to teach our own kids in the future how to swim. Hang out at pools, on family vacations, water parks, that kind of thing. My girlfriend has expressed an extreme aversion to chlorine, she feels its very toxic and bad for you and that not under any circumstances would she allow her kids to go swimming (she actually used the words "her kids" not our kids (I am not just talking about her Child here, I mean our future kids also).

- General; Her family are around a lot. I don't have an issue with this generally but I sense boundary issues at play. They come and go as they please and while not an issue at the moment, it may be in to the future. She has issues with me charging my phone by the bed, says its bad for you. Also has touted issues with 5G masts and while I respect her views, I just don't see things this way.

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I need to be clear and say that I very much love her. She doesn't try and force her views on me. We vibe and get on in a lot of other ways.

I explained that I want to be with her and I am willing to step forward as a couple to try and work through, address and compromise on these issues but she has not indicated any want to compromise. She feels that she would be "holding me back" if we stayed together, but then in the next breath she tells me how much she loves me and wants to be with me and does not want this to end, tells me how much her Child will miss me and all that, and I respond with "I don't want to leave, I don't want this to end, I'm here, I want to work on this together and compromise" yet she still does not see the fact that her not willing to compromise and work through it together as being the issue.

I am left confused as to how I move forward from here. Am I ignoring these issues? Am I / Have I done something wrong ? Am I not communicating effectively ? How I see it, when two people love each other and decide to be in a relationship, that is the baseline to move forward from and face the challenges together.

Opinions/Advice/Cold splash of water welcomed, thank you.

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Caranica

Your GF sounds like someone I couldn't last 5 minutes around tbh.

The vaccination thing isn't just a red flag for me, it's a pack your bags and run thing. Endangering vulnerable people is never acceptable imo.

The other stuff is more of a personal choice (apart from the 5g thing which is bonkers) but they're things you can't compromise on so is there really a future.

The simplest advice I can give you is the old adage "to thine own self be true".

Neyite

I don't think you are compatible, sorry. She's Woo and you aren't.

Moving in with someone who has a child, there will always be an element of you fitting into their lives intially, but you'd ideally be finding your feet together as a blended family. She's used to doing it her way and wont budge - to be fair to her, she's very clear on that for you. It's a pity she wasn't as clear prior to you moving in so as not to now disrupt her child's life by you moving back out again.

I couldn't be with an anti-vaxxer, and certainly wouldn't have a child with them because you know that they are suspicious of modern medicine and probably favour alternative therapies over tried and tested medical care. And they usually have other areas where what they believe is a bit.. odd but will have a direct impact on your (future) child and you'll be unable to find a mutually agreeable way of parenting.

radiotrickster

You’ll never get any compromise with someone like this. Either accept that you will have kids with no vaccinations, no swimming, etc. and whatever else becomes ‘harmful’ in her mind for the rest of your life or find someone else.

If it were me, I’d be thankful I found this out before we had kids or were married and I’d run.

woodchuck

Honesty, these are pretty big issues to have.

I'm not even going to comment on her views about vaccines (that's for another forum!), but it's not really not possible to compromise on that. If you have kids in the future, you either vaccinate them or you don't. And it sounds like she's totally unwilling to budge on that.

Again, I'm not going to comment on her views about chlorine in pools, but this is an important part of your life that she basically expects you to sacrifice. It's also a very important life skill to teach children, which normally involves learning in an indoor chlorinated pool.

The living situation is more complicated. In theory I agree that you should both compromise and find another area that you're both reasonably happy to live in. But it does get more complicated when there is already a child involved, who has their school, friends, clubs etc in the area.

I suppose only you know if these issues are deal breakers for you? It certainly sounds like they might be and I don't think it would be unreasonable to walk away. You're only going out with each other 8 months, so if you think you need to break up with her, it's better to do it sooner rather than later for everyone's sake (including her child before he/she gets too attached). You might love each other, but that isn't always a good enough reason to stay together unfortunately.

s1ippy

I'd be with her in not charging the phone in bed because of the fire risks but not the other very silly stuff. Alarm bells for me, but if you're willing to overlook that and put your own principals aside and feel she's worth the compromise it might be a different story. People I've known who have done that to a large degree haven't ended up in good situations.

Princess Calla

Apologies if I'm reading this wrong.

Are you only together 8 months? And have moved in together already?...... If that's the case I would consider it a very fast move, especially when there's a child involved.

For one it feels like you are the one making alot of sacrifices, moving away from your family and friends..... I do know plenty of people who have done this and it has worked out though..... Personally I couldn't handle my "in-laws" in my house every other day.... I wouldn't be able to handle my own family either... I like my space/privacy.

I think before couples have children together they really need to be on the same page, nothing shows your relationship cracks quicker than a newborn..... You also need to be on the same page as to how to raise the children..... Like when I was pregnant I didn't want to get the flu vaccine or whopping cough vaccine, but I sat down and talked it through with himself.. If he had strong feelings on it I probably would have. However vaccinating our children wasn't even up for discussion, it was happening. I can fully understand the unease your family feel towards an unvaccinated child... Would you like your own children causing your family such unease?

The same way your swimming hobby seems fairly important to you and I can see why you would want to share it with your children. I would hate to be told that I couldn't share my interests with my children.

I don't know, I think you can only bend so much before you snap. Ultimately it's up to you, but she has shown her cards so you're not getting blindsided a few yrs down the line. She seems very set in her beliefs and her way of life. It's up to you to decide if you want to sacrifice your values and beliefs for her.

Bubbaclaus

An anti vaxxer and 5g conspiracy nut? Run for the hills OP.

Smee_Again

I think your biggest problem is that you try to respect her views.

Her views on vaccines and 5G don’t deserve respect, particularly vaccines due to the harm they can do to others, they deserve to be challenged.

I’d walk, someone who believes in that nonsense isn’t worth making a life with. You’ll always be pissing against the wind of whatever nonsense she reads on Facebook.

Oink

This is not looking good. Really not.

She has extreme, unconventional views and she is pretty clear on the fact that you can expect no compromise.

A relationship is hard enough with a level-headed person. There is a lot of work, and you can never take it for granted. The amount of baggage she is bringing into this from the very beginning is unreal.

You’re even starting to doubt yourself, coming here to ask whether you’re asking too much. And again, you’re barely starting.

My opinion? You’re both wasting your time.

Oink

These are not mere “compatibility concerns” by the way. These are huge, monumental red flags.

SantaClaw

If she was against one of these things, I would say there might be room to compromise. But in my admittily limited experience with people holding views like hers, there is no way someone that far gone into the conspiracy / science denial side of things will compromise.

So do you want your future kids raised on all these conditions, plus who knows what she might believe in the future?

Airyfairy12

I think 8 months is a very short amount of time to get to know someone never mind move in with them. It sounds like you both jumped miles ahead in your relationship without taking the time to get to know one another and now you are learning that you are not compatible in almost any regard.
To me it comes across like you got swept away with physical or sexual attraction, let your feelings get the better of you and have confused love with lust.

Just to add, there seems to be a little bit of hate directed at your girlfriend through posts on this thread, she is entitled to have her opinions and raise her children how she wants to, you are free to have your opinions and do your own thing too, unfortunately your opinions on important things couldn't be more opposite and neither can be compromised on, simply put you are not right for each other.

Maybe you should be asking yourself why you are so willing to compromise your own views and morals for someone youve known less than a year? Why are you trying so hard to remain in a relationship with someone youre not compatible with and plan children with that person?
Why would you leave your home, which you loved to move somewhere you dont like with someone you hardly know?
Why would you expect her to uproot her life in the future when you dont know whats around the corner and you know its something she would not want to do?

All of these issues are things that most couples would discuss before getting serious with each other.

It sounds like you want the marriage and kids and the attractive wife and you have this image in your head but its not the reality of the situation youre in, you cant force your ideal image onto someone else especially when they are so very different to what you want them to be.

Tork

Despite her views (don't get me started on some of them), I think your girlfriend is the one with a better insight into what's going on here. This isn't vive la différence but a long list of incompatibilities. You know and she knows that this isn't a relationship that's going to go well. If one of your friends wrote this, what would you be telling him? Everyone here is telling you to run and I daresay you'd be told the same thing even by people who know both of you.

Am I right in reading that you're only together 8 months. Quite a lot of that has to have been long-distance or weekends, right? So where's the fire? Why the mad rush to move in together and start talking about having kids when it was clear you two didn't know each other well enough. You're a man so you've still got plenty of time to meet someone else and have that family you obviously want to have. Slow down and don't do anything that'll tie yourself to her permanently. You'll probably come to regret it.

punisher5112

Why would anyone want all the stress....

5g causes Corona and vaccine etc.... She is mad.... Run...

Tom Mann Centuria

The idea of compromise in this case is you are going to be the one compromising OP, all the time, about everything, because she clearly isn't. If you can do that and not be seething with resentment after a while (a very short while) then go for it. Otherwise you really just need to face facts and stop fooling yourselves.

Tork

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

she actually used the words "her kids" not our kids (I am not just talking about her child here, I mean our future kids also).

This is another reason to run before she gets pregnant (accidentally or otherwise). It has often been said on this forum that when somebody tells you who they are, you should pay attention. I don't know what else she needs to "tell" you in order to make you see that this has all the ingredients of a pure car crash. Deep down you know that you'll be having unvaccinated kids, will never get into a chlorinated swimming pool again and will spend the rest of this relationship listening to conspiracy theories she's picking up from Facebook. And if you split, all that talk of "her kids" could translate into her making it as difficult as possible for you to see them. Get out before she gets pregnant.

Augme

OP I can't help but wonder why you are even considering to compromise on such issues and why you'd need to ask advice on this situation. This situstion strikes me as being about as clear cut as you can arguable get. It's just never going to work out and having a child with this women would be about as bad a decision as anyone could make.

As mentioned, moving in with someome who has a child after 8 months seems like such a ridiculously short amount of time.

Not to sound to critical of her either, but having a man move in with her and then saying "oh we should break up" at this stage is also just very strange. I cant help but think what is the child going to think? A new man in her life and then bang, almost instantly he is gone. Just doesn't seem a very healthy environemt for a child imo.

Also, why were this issues not raised before moving in? This is why living together after 7-8 months is very strange because there will still be so many things you don't know about each other that will prbnaly be deal breakers or significant issues.

Seems as if you both just rushed into this whole situation without putting any thought into it. Why the desperation to move in so early? I find the whole dynamic quite strange tbh.

Irishman80

<Mod snip>

You're not confused. You know this relationship is over.

rainbowtrout

It's you versus your girlfriend's tinfoil hat OP, and in this case the tinfoil hat is winning.

There is no compromise on her side and she's made that pretty clear. Re: vaccinations "We can talk about it when the time comes but I'm not getting my children vaccinated"

Personally I'd be giving a conspiracy theorist a very wide berth.

The only thing I'm surprised by is that you've posted saying that she wants to break up with you because of your incompatibilities, I would have expected it to be you wanting that.

I would say that the only rational thing you have posted about her is that she sees the incompatibility issue is a dealbreaker.

If you stay:

you will be living in her home town and nowhere else
her family will be coming and going as and when they please
your children will not be vaccinated
your children will not learn to swim or go to the pool as a hobby or pastime

Is this the life you want?

I teach a couple of anti-vaxxer kids (obviously as a result of their parents) and was listening to shite in class before we went into lockdown such as "if you sip water it washes the virus into your stomach and you can't get covid" and my response was "if covid was cured simply by drinking water then why is it so lethal and why do we need to contain it?". No response to that. Also had to entertain shite about aromatherapy to kill covid. If Glade Plug-ins were the cure we would have been done and dusted months ago.

Welcome to your future life.

joe40

<Mod snip>

The only possible hope is that since she is 26 and therefore still quite young so her attitudes might change. But as it stands there are serious compatiblity issues that would make a happy marriage with kids impossible.

I presume anti vaxx opinion would extend to future corona virus vaccines.

tara73

I think in a way, ironically, you can count yourself lucky she's telling you all this things before you have kids. Imagine she would be holding back, you getting married and have kids and the real mess starts..

but it's also no wonder you are confused and come here for help, because her behaviour sounds like that of a head wrecker. telling you all the brutal facts she's expecting you to agree on, then throwing in you should break up because you are looking for some compromises and next thing she tells you how much she loves you, doesn't want it to end and her child will miss you so much is actually nasty stuff and a mind fu** for you.
she's extremely selfish and also seems to like to manipulate you.

I think deep down you know the answer to this, you need to go. Learn from it and don't move in with somebody again that quickly, especially not if a young child is involved, because yes, it's most probably damaging for the child.

smellyoldboot

Sounds like a future Candidate for the nut house and I'm being deadly serious. Pretty much all of that drivel she believes in is firmly in the tinfoil hat camp.

osarusan

She sounds like she's not going to change, and you shouldn't.

There shouldn't be any compromise on things like vaccinations to be honest, and 'we'll deal with that when we come to it' is no good when it comes to the fundamental healthcare of a child you brought into the world. That alone would see me packing my bags. Consider yourself lucky you discovered this before you had a kid together.

In general, there seems to be no compromise from her. She has a way and a place she is going to live her life, and if you are willing to mould youself into that, great, but she won't give at all.

rainbowtrout

Some questions for your girlfriend OP:

If she is 26 she was born in the mid 90s. Unless she was born into a family living an alternative lifestyle, I'd bet there's a very good chance she has all her vaccinationss: TB, polio, BCG, MMR, Diphtheria, Tetanus, Whooping Cough etc. Does she think she (or her family and friends) has been disadvantaged or that her health was compromised in some way by having all these vaccines?

Did she ever go swimming as a child? Given that you swam competitively you have probably spent more time in chlorinated pools than the average Irish person. I know the kids I went to school with that swam competitively might go swimming three times a day. Does she think your health has been damaged from all the chlorine???

Can she provide a rational answer to those questions? I bet she can't.

You said earlier if you had kids you would like them to go swimming and she said no. Imagine the following scenario

You: I'm going swimming kids, see you later
Kids: Can we come swimming?
You: No, your mother doesn't want you to go swimming
Kids: Why
You: Because she said chlorine isn't safe
Kids: But you go swimming
You: Yes, I'm fine, nothing wrong with my health
Kids: And how long have you been swimming
You: All my life
Kids:

I'm curious: does she use bleach to clean things? There's chlorine in bleach.

JasonStatham

I had a gf like this once. I dumped her.

Cork981

I had to sign in just to reply to this. Run.... I feel stressed out just reading those issues.

Long term those issues will be detrimental to your mental health and quality of life. Your not together that long, just be thankful you identified those issues this early.

Can you imagine how difficult life with her could be in a few years. Don’t do it to yourself, life is to short.

strandroad

Smee_Again wrote: »

You’ll always be pissing against the wind of whatever nonsense she reads on Facebook.

This OP, whatever else comes into woo fashion will show up in your life next. This is just her current selection.

It's very hard for a rational thinker to live with someone who believes in this stuff, especially that it tends to get worse with age. You're right to back off, it's a very basic incompatibility.

L1011

If saying one word was an acceptable answer here, that word would be "run"

There is no viable relationship here unless you buy in to her nonsense. Ever.

ronivek

I don’t believe I could even be friends with someone who holds such views; let alone partners.

In my experience people who are anti vaccination and ‘anti chemical’ are susceptible to all kinds of beliefs which would put you and your children at risk in multitudes of different ways. I would give her a chance to change her views and otherwise I would run for the hills.

Tell me how

Think you guys aren't compatible.

Try to factor her daughter in you do breakup if she has formed a connection with you, try not to make it harder for her.