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Husband doesn't have any friends

[Deleted User]

Title sums it up.

I've noticed over lockdown that really truly all my husband talks about his is work or what's in the news. He is reasonably close to his parents (they live 3 hours away) and has one friend who he messages on and off but they haven't actually met up for years. I don't really know if it bothers him (if not that's fine I guess, though I wish he had something else to talk about!) and the last thing I want to do is upset him by asking and seeming insensitive. I don't have tonnes of friends myself but a couple social circles and pre covid I would regularly meet up for dinner and drinks with people. We have young children which naturally makes it harder to get out and about, but I do worry because we are moving to a new more suburban area next month (city centre now) and I don't want him to feel or become completely isolated. He likes motorbikes so I once encouraged him to attend meet ups. He went to one but I think he found it hard striking up a conversation. He's a nice guy and not a massive weirdo or anything. He's very confident and well liked at work (senior manager) but really seems to struggle socially.

Shall I leave sleeping dogs lie or should I try to raise this delicately? If so how? He is a very sensitive person which is often a virtue but it makes bringing up anything emotional extra hard.

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KiKi III

I’d broach it as a concern about moving to the suburbs rather than about him. Ask him if he’s worried either of you will get bored and should you both take up new hobbies maybe.

[Deleted User]

Thanks that seems so obvious now and such good advice!

ronivek

Some people just don’t need or desire too much social contact; it’s likely based on your description of him that he’s happy enough with things as they are. Whether that’s ‘happy enough’ due to social anxiety preventing him from doing more or due to him having no genuine desire to seek more friends or social interaction or somewhere between it’s hard to say.

I feel like a part of your concern or frustration here is that maybe you two aren’t sharing any social or leisure time together apart from conversations about the kids or his work or current affairs; do you two share any interests or manage to go out together much without the kids?

[Deleted User]

Good question. To be honest I feel like thanks to covid we spend too much time together but not quality time. We both work full time, two small children (currently at home full time) and we've no family here and babysitting is v expensive. We would go out maybe every other month for dinner or a drink without the kids. I find it very dull that all he has to talk about is work so perhaps the problem lies more with me than him. I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but it always comes back to work. I have a niggling sense he would actually quite like to have maybe one or two friends to occasionally meet up with. The only time he goes out is with me but the same is not true in reverse.

Man with broke phone

I honestly believe men get to a certain age and dont need as many friends about. They have a wife kids and people in work to be looking after, if they have a hobby other like minded men will be hobby friends with them but once they move job or hobby they lose contact with these people.

Might have a few friends from childhood but I thjnk middle aged men with loads of friends tend to either have no families, need to borrow stuff the whole time or are selling something.

Unless ofcourse they are involved in organised crime.

[Deleted User]

It's fairly normal now for men with small kids at home to have few or no friends, and no social life outside work. Especially middle class men.

Personally I went from having lots of friends in school and college to not really having any for many years, other than my wife's friends husbands that I had nothing in common with. Most of my college friends were the same.

Some men prefer it that way. I didn't. I have lots of friends now again in my late 40s but it wasn't easy. I did some night classes in different things and met people that way.

I will say that I find people that only talk about their work to be incredibly dull.

[Deleted User]

I’d suggest you might want to dig a little more into your own reasoning for this concern. If he’s attentive, a good father, likes his work and keep abreast of the world around him, he’s doing better than many.

It may well be that the thing he wants most in the world is to be able to speak about things he sees/hears/reads about with you. Being a good husband, father, keeping in touch with his parents and getting his work done probably doesn’t leave a whole lot of time and energy for much else. He might simply enjoy getting on his bike for a spin or watching a movie rather than carving up what little time is left over to spend with a play-date/pal his wife wants him to have.

ronivek

Owlet wrote: »

I find it very dull that all he has to talk about is work so perhaps the problem lies more with me than him. I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but it always comes back to work. I have a niggling sense he would actually quite like to have maybe one or two friends to occasionally meet up with. The only time he goes out is with me but the same is not true in reverse.

I think you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head unfortunately; if he had a friend or two he would probably use them to chat about work a bit and maybe lessen the ‘burden’ on you in that respect. But since you’re basically the entirety of his social outlet outside of work you’re stuck with all of it.

And I don’t think there’s any blame here either; you’re not obliged to find his work interesting and I would imagine he’s not talking about work intentionally to bore you. I would guess that the whole Covid-19 thing has just brought into focus some issues that have maybe been there all along but just weren’t very obvious.

Normally I would suggest just talking about it but I’m struggling to see a conversation about this that doesn’t cause a bunch of problems for one or both of you... I think Kiki’s suggestion to approach it as a conversation about hobbies or maybe plans to get involved around your new neighbourhood might be a good way to feel things out.

XsApollo

Sounds like your husband is fine with what he has but you have an issue with it?

Maybe the thread title should read I find my husband dull because all he talks about is work.

You basically want him to do stuff so he has more stuff to talk about with you?

You say ye don’t spend quality time together but when you do you find it dull.

I don’t think him not having friends is the issue.

harr

I am in my 40,s and no really Close friends and while it doesn’t bother me my other half has encouraged me at times to socialise with different groups but like your husband OP I get it hard to strike up conversation and I probably come across as standoffish but I am just shy to be honest and a complete introvert and very happy in my own company something a lot of people get Very hard to understand..
I would have no problem in going to cinema, restaurant or pub on my own to be honest.
But Once I click with someone I could talk for hours so I am not completely unsociable and I do attend social stuff with my wife as I wouldn’t expect her to go on her own but family or friend get togethers are my least favourite thing to be doing
So OP unless he seems to be down or it’s affecting his mental health I would probably leave well alone and as you said he seems popular in work and has a good job so he doesn’t have a problem chatting to people so maybe he is just a loner and happy in his own company.

eggy81

Get him to take up golf ⛳ best thing I ever did as someone in my late 30s. The set up of how clubs operate make it naturally easy to be socially interactive.

eleventh

ronivek wrote:

if he had a friend or two he would probably use them to chat about work a bit and maybe lessen the ‘burden’ on you in that respect.

I didn't get an impression from the OP that there's a burden. I'd say more likely she's asking "how was work" when he gets home and he's responding to that.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry if I gave that impression. Dinner conversation is not my motivation. My motivation/concern are the statistics about male mental health and my deep worry that he has no other outlet in which to share the inevitable pressure he must feel from having a busy job, small children and a wife. We moved here in 2015 from living abroad for a few years (though he is Irish and grew up here) and I really struggled with my mental wellbeing until I made a few friends to share the load with. I am just worried about him now or in the future feeling the same. I'm sure my dinner conversation isn't always sparkling either. I guess I'm just worried that spending all your time thinking about one thing isn't all that healthy. Maybe it is though and that is fine.

Pawwed Rig

eggy81 wrote: »

Get him to take up golf ⛳ best thing I ever did as someone in my late 30s. The set up of how clubs operate make it naturally easy to be socially interactive.

What works for you may not be suitable for everyone. I, for example, could not imagine a lifestyle that had golf in it as I find watching it, talking about it and playing it tedious.

OP - If your husband is not having any issues and is happy enough then leave him be.

Airyfairy12

There's a horrible stigma that if someone doesn't have friends there must be something very wrong with them or they must be sad and lonely or unlovable, if you go though this forum - nearly every other week there are posts from well adjusted people with careers, normal interests and hobbies who don't have any friends. For whatever reason, allot of people just aren't good at making friends and aren't particularly social, some are very introverted, some are shy and theres nothing wrong with that.
It will only bother your husband if you pressure him and make him feel that its something he should be bothered about.

eggy81

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

What works for you may not be suitable for everyone. I, for example, could not imagine a lifestyle that had golf in it as I find watching it, talking about it and playing it tedious.

OP - If your husband is not having any issues and is happy enough then leave him be.

True. I used to find it tedious myself. Only really tried it when I could play team sports anymore. Just a suggestion because it does make it easy to meet people and the conversation at times would be work or career centred depending on who you hapoen to pair with.

[Deleted User]

I think he's probably happy with just work and his family but you know him best OP. If he's been like this since you met him then it's probably by choice, if he's popular in work then that speaks volumes imo and maybe he has no interest in social occasions or small talk with acquaintances and I can relate to that. Has he been like this since as long as you know him or just more recently?

Purple Mountain

I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

Psychiatric Patrick

Owlet wrote: »

Title sums it up.

I've noticed over lockdown that really truly all my husband talks about his is work or what's in the news. He is reasonably close to his parents (they live 3 hours away) and has one friend who he messages on and off but they haven't actually met up for years. I don't really know if it bothers him (if not that's fine I guess, though I wish he had something else to talk about!) and the last thing I want to do is upset him by asking and seeming insensitive. I don't have tonnes of friends myself but a couple social circles and pre covid I would regularly meet up for dinner and drinks with people. We have young children which naturally makes it harder to get out and about, but I do worry because we are moving to a new more suburban area next month (city centre now) and I don't want him to feel or become completely isolated. He likes motorbikes so I once encouraged him to attend meet ups. He went to one but I think he found it hard striking up a conversation. He's a nice guy and not a massive weirdo or anything. He's very confident and well liked at work (senior manager) but really seems to struggle socially.

Shall I leave sleeping dogs lie or should I try to raise this delicately? If so how? He is a very sensitive person which is often a virtue but it makes bringing up anything emotional extra hard.

Just talk to him?

You've been together for a few years and have kids and clearly all is good at home - I'm saying a person can't seek advice but I don't understand why you wouldn't just ask him?

XsApollo

Well if is happy with how it is then it’s ok.
Plenty of people like their own time.

If he is into motorbikes as you say.
Then every year there are bike shows in Dublin it’s a good day out for the family and you will be part of a passion of his and get to see that side of him.

Also there is a road racing season in Ireland although it usually finishes in august and I’m not sure how it faired this year.
But next year you can go to a road race some weekend, again family can go and I am sure you will see him enjoying it.

Also having a side kick makes it easier to break the first barrier of getting to know somebody.

So maybe go with him to one of the bike meets and it will be a lot easier to break the ice with people.

Man with broke phone

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

Sad for you maybe, they were probably having a great time riding.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Man with broke phone here in PI/RI a certain standard of posting is expected where posters are asked to reply to a thread in a manner that offers civil and constructive advice to an OP. Please bear this in mind and take a look at the Charter before posting again.

Thanks.

HS

[Deleted User]

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

I think it's easy to feel hurt by something like that happening, but you should be happy for your '2 very good friends' that they found someone to share their lives with that mean more to them that you do. That's harsh, but it's also the way it should be. You don't buy/build a home, start a family and raise children (or whatever family life is to someone else) with your friends. So in a sense, you were 'just' a friend. A spouse is supposed to be more than that. So friends should always come in a lower priority than your partner, children, parents etc.

And for many, many people, they'll find contentment in life having just those people they'd want to prioritise in their lives. They don't have time to maintain relationships with other people who should really be living their own lives instead of being dependant on folks who have higher life priorities in many ways.

Moonbeams8

That was interesting to read JayZeus.

OP, lots of people are happy in their own company. I used to worry that there was something wrong with me in my 20s because I wasn't a huge social butterfly but now at 31 I know who I am. I have friends but would only physically meet up a few times a year because like JayZeus' post above lots of us have different priorities now.

screamer

You know him better than any of us internet strangers. I also manage people and when I moved to my first role in that I had to sever ties with old colleagues. You’d be surprised the insight being a people manager gives you, and how self reliant it makes you, as an awful lot of the stuff you deal with is confidential. So he may be well liked at work, but he may just be fed up of other people when he gets home and just happy to be in the company of family. I was very like that, my home and family were my haven, and I’ve managed head bangers that I could write books about. But personally speaking I have no friends by choice I may add. I’m married and have kids and my world revolves around them all. Friends from my experience aren’t worth the hassle, and I’ve always found it strange that grown adults need friends. If I’m going out for the night it’d be with my husband. My time is too precious to waste with friends. Now, I’m sure some people would find that strange, but for me, it’s how I like my life to be. Point being having no friends by choice does not mean one is lonely or unhappy.

kerryjack

Wouldnt worry about it OP, Its family first for me as well, I do know a few lads that forgot to get married and they try to rescue me from this horrible life I am supposed to be living, I usually go away with the lads for a match onese a year, hate it to be honest, usually can't wait to get home and chill out with the wife and kids.

GreeBo

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

There's a horrible stigma that if someone doesn't have friends there must be something very wrong with them or they must be sad and lonely or unlovable, if you go though this forum - nearly every other week there are posts from well adjusted people with careers, normal interests and hobbies who don't have any friends. For whatever reason, allot of people just aren't good at making friends and aren't particularly social, some are very introverted, some are shy and theres nothing wrong with that.
It will only bother your husband if you pressure him and make him feel that its something he should be bothered about.

In my experience it's more that they are poor at keeping friends, making them isn't the problem!

Airyfairy12

GreeBo wrote: »

In my experience it's more that they are poor at keeping friends, making them isn't the problem!

Everyones experience is different and we shouldnt generalise.

Outkast_IRE

From my own colleagues in work I would generally find the ones with very active social lives are either heavily involved in team sports , or just outta college and not settled down, there are a few exceptions but not many .

I myself as a married 34 year old male have just 2 or 3 close friends I have known a long time and make an effort to meet up with a few times a year.

Once your husband is happy himself that's the main thing . If he feels like he needs more friends he needs to put himself out there and join up a few interests . Have a frank and open conversation about it but at the end of the day you need to be your own best friend , need to be happy in your own skin that needs to be priority no.1 .

qwerty13

I’m really surprised at some of the posts here re people dumping their friends, or deliberately having no further interaction with friends as equating to having a “higher priority” in life than others who have friends as well as family. I don’t think thats a healthy way to be, and clearly the OP isn’t at ease with her partner being ‘family/work to the exclusion of all else’.

In my view, true friends and family enrich your life. I don’t understand the “I have no time or interest in my friends since I got partnered up / married / had kids” attitude. To me that sounds like the ‘friends’ were only ever acquaintances or drinking buddies.

I think it is a great thing to have both joint friends, when you’re in a relationship, and also separate friends that you can have a laugh / chat with. Or talk to about relationship and life stuff. The people who’ve commented here about no interest in friends makes me wonder what they’d do if their relationship broke up. Or their partner was very ill. Or died. I mean everyone needs support from someone over the course of their lives - but surely it’s also nice and good fun to have friends too??

OP: While I wouldn’t think any less of anyone having not many friends (being an introvert myself, and finding it really stressful to make small talk), I do think it’s a good thing to not concentrate everything in a very few people. Diversity is good - even if it does sometimes mean being told to cop on (we all occasionally need to be told that!!). I also think it puts pressure on you, that you seem to be your husband’s only verbal outlet. I’m an introvert, and I totally understand how that could get wearing on you.

I’m not sure what the solution is, but I’d say COVID is exacerbating things. Could you encourage him to reconnect with people? Or have a ‘beers zoom call’ with some work buddies? I do think that it’s comfortable for us introverted people to stick to what we know. But we’re not always socially inept! Does he have things he’s interested in - which particularly in current times mean that joining an online group might really suit him?