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Child Item

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

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tara73

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I replied
I want to end to this relationship.

you don't want to end this relationship, you're ending it:)

I second the advice to not communicate with him any further. It will only upset and confuse you further, he's already pulling all textbook manipulation with his responses.
Let all communication go through your solicitor from now on. Let him know you have a solicitor now and all further communication will go through your solicitor. I know it's tough and you might not be ready for it, but it would be the best. The more you write about him I think he's bordering on psychopathic traits.
The seperation is the best thing you do, you will thank yourself in no time over and over.

I wish you much strength in this but you have it.

osarusan

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I replied
I want to end to this relationship. It’s clear that you have not recognized the part you played in this, nor are you willing to work on how you deal with your anger. This is a horrible decision and I’m incredibly sad that it has come to this but it’s the right one for me.

Response
The above doesn't make sense to me. We've discussed in detail the parts we have both played in relationship issues. Who says i am unwilling to deal with my anger? Sounds to me like you are not willing to work through our issues. Yes it is a very, very sad decision but it sounds to me like you have your mind made up.

Don't get into a back and forth about it. Give up the idea of him admitting he was in the wrong, it'll never happen. His version of events will always be that you both got things wrong but you were not willing to work through the issues. There's nothing you can do to change that.

Just say something like 'Yes, my mind is made up. I'm ending things.'

Edit: I know some people don't like the idea of mentioning a solicitor, but if it's something along the lines of: 'Dealing with ownership of the house is going to be messy so i'm getting in contact with a solicitor to start working things out'. I don't think it's confrontational or anything like that and will help get the message through to him.

KiKi III

He’ll flip again. Give it another few days and it’ll be “but I love you, we’re getting married” - I’d put money on it.

[Deleted User]

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I replied
I want to end to this relationship. It’s clear that you have not recognized the part you played in this, nor are you willing to work on how you deal with your anger. This is a horrible decision and I’m incredibly sad that it has come to this but it’s the right one for me.

Response
The above doesn't make sense to me. We've discussed in detail the parts we have both played in relationship issues. Who says i am unwilling to deal with my anger? Sounds to me like you are not willing to work through our issues. Yes it is a very, very sad decision but it sounds to me like you have your mind made up.

Probably should just agree that you have your mind made up and that you are no longer willing to work through the issues. Don’t give him any encouragement or allow him to put doubt in your mind.

Anongirl306

He’s completely trying to mess with my head..
Sent me a voice clip shortly after, I was out with a friend at the time.

‘I know you’re going through a rough time at the moment, it’s been a ****ty couple of weeks for both of us, I’ve taken on board everything you’ve said in our recent discussions, we definitely don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things but I think our problems are down to communication rather than compatibility, these things take work to get them right. Personally I think the decision you have made today is very quick considering the 5 odd year relationship we’ve built up. If that’s how you really feel and that’s your final decision, I respect that. I know I didn’t give you the space originally, I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do at that time, to be honest now my head is all over the place and I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath my feet, I do need a few weeks, whether it be coming back to the drawing board in a couple of weeks time and seeing if we can make it work, or hatching a plan around going our separate ways. I need a couple of weeks to myself, I know it’s awkward cos we live in the same house and I’ve no I’ll feelings towards you, I completely understand that this has been a really tough time for you aside from the fact we’re coming out of lockdown which probably has affected us in ways we don’t even realize, you work in a very high stress job, were at a crucial junction with a wedding around the corner and obviously these tensions really weigh down on you so I understand and appreciate that you’re between a rock and a hard place, but I want to let you know I’m not willing to give up on the relationship just like that, I’m definitely willing to try my best to make it work but at the moment I am all over the place and I think if we took a couple of weeks and came together and had a chat about it then, that might be not a bad idea’

I didn’t respond to either message by the way

Big Bag of Chips

He didn't give you the space?! I'd be half tempted to tell him he gave you a week of space when he refused to come out of the spare room!!

There is still no apology. No acknowledgement of any fault on his behalf. He still doesn't actually understand what's going on. He doesn't get it. And he won't. He thinks you've decided this on a whim.

You're right not to reply. As you know communication isn't your (pl) strong point and he will tie you up in knots doubting yourself. Or you will want to believe him and you will weaken at the promises of working on communication

He is upping his game because you are not taking his bait. I would say, for now, hold your silence. There is nothing really to talk about at the moment. Take some time off work. Go home, go to a friend. Get physical "space" between you both.

calfmuscle

No apology or acknowledgement that his behaviour is the problem. He says he will work on the relationship but not on himself. He doesn't say he loves you either. He thinks he will wear you down over the 2 weeks.....

This must all be so hurtful and hard for you but hold tight.

1hnr79jr65

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I’ve no I’ll feelings towards you

This is the bit that stuck out to me the most and says a lot about this guy. Edit (sticks out as he doesn't say he has any positive feelings for you)

Easiest way to tidy this up would be with a message along the following

"I have already made my decision, the relationship IS over, there will NOT be reconsideration of my decision and i would appreciate you to move out asap as I no longer feel comfortable in your company" .....or something similar

The important bit is to reinforce the relationship is not ending, its over, you are done and will not entertain any reconsideration. Keep going, you are still doing well and this guy is getting a more realistic view that your future is no longer with him.

[Deleted User]

To be honest, it sounds like he's trying to gaslight you and make you believe it's actually job stress, wedding planning stress and lockdown fatigue that has you questioning the relationship, apparently you're having a tough time lately. He didn't say 'we'. He's trying to make you doubt your own judgement, since clearly the issues are that you aren't coping well, and taking it out on him. Not that he's behaving appallingly.

Stay strong, see it for what it is. Manipulation, and not very subtle manipulation at that.

Tork

It's a very self centred message too. Long on "me me me" but very short on apologies, affection or any acknowledgement of his part in this. It's so dispassionate he might was well be talking about digging the garden or going to the dentist.

Caegan

Just read through the thread and I have to say well done OP. You've gotten some great advice here and you've taken the right steps to remove this guy from your life.

I don't have much advice to give but glad you're coming back to the thread looking for more insight in dealing with this.

Please take care of your mental health and rely on family and friends. Stay strong OP, you'll be better off.

screamer

Read that text he sent, it’s all about your issues, your work stress etc. Not once does he acknowledge anything that might be wrong with him.
Anyways OP like my old gran used to say, it’s make or break time, the longer you let this go on, the worse it’s going to be to get out of it. I wish you the best and I won’t be posting again, as I feel you have all the advise you need, it’s now your choice, and you need to make a decisive one either way.

NewMan1982

She already made her choice.

bilbot79

Just imagine if Coronation Street and EastEnders lovers tiffs had lots of C's and F's thrown in. That would be real life.

Judging by your shock it's clear there's no room for any kind of negative self expression. In the long run that equates to suppression and frustration just builds up until someone snaps.

He's just throwing a wobbler.

rainbowtrout

Wow.

So despite looking for space, he's now sending voice clips. So he reckons it's down to communication problems and it takes work to get it right, but refused to speak to you for a week.

He's totally disregarding the fact that you've told him several times that it's over, and framing it as the 'decision you've made today'

And the 'I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing at the time'. Asking for space is fairly clear cut, but this is his acknowledgement of his plan didn't work so he's now on to I'd say Plan D at this stage.

But the cheek of him saying the rug has been pulled from underneath him, making out that this is all your fault and he didn't see it coming, and essentially that you have made the decision out of the blue and really it has nothing to do with his behaviour.

And despite saying two lines earlier that he respects your decision he goes on to say that ye can see if 'we can make this work'. That completely ignores your decision, and it's also him saying he fully intends to buy time and stay in the house to try and wear you down.

And Kiki said it only earlier today that he would pull the wedding card out before long and here it is. And he's not willing to give up on the relationship, I think that translates as he's not willing to stop trying to control, manipulate and abuse you.

Stay strong, don't respond to any more texts or messages and let everything go through your solicitor, he's probably going to ramp up his campaign over the course of this week.

I know you are wise to his game at this stage, but maintaining a silence is probably the best course of action there's no point giving him a reply that he will use to try and manipulate you in his next round of manipulation. I didn't see the word love or care or anything resembling it in any of his messages so far. You would think that would be a given if someone actually cared about you and wanted to give it everything to make it work.

KiKi III

bilbot79 wrote: »

Just imagine if Coronation Street and EastEnders lovers tiffs had lots of C's and F's thrown in. That would be real life.

Judging by your shock it's clear there's no room for any kind of negative self expression. In the long run that equates to suppression and frustration just builds up until someone snaps.

He's just throwing a wobbler.

Negative self-expression and calling someone you supposedly love a cünt repeatedly are two very different things.

Taking some space and storming off to give someone the silent treatment are very different things.

OP you gave him every opportunity to express himself and engage with you, he chose not to take you seriously until you ended the relationship.

cannotlogin

That message is so self absorbed. Once again, the problems are all yours, your stressful job etc.....but the rest is all about him. I suspect every aspect of your relationship is all about him.

I'm sorry I called you out earlier in the thread as being also to blame on the communication side. How on earth would anyone communicate properly with this guy? It's mission impossible because he doesn't listen to what is being said & twists it when he does.

I really don't like the way he treats you. It's manipulative and controlling.

Anongirl306

I’ve been reading all your responses and re-listening to the message. It’s alarming how he went from ‘who says I’m not willing to work on my anger, you aren’t willing to work on our issues’ to softly softly ‘we can work through this, you’re having a tough time’ in such a short space of time.
I don’t understand why he needs 2-3 weeks time.
To panic me into giving in? That I’m going to believe him and want to go back? That I’ll think I’ve made this decision too quickly and regret it?
I don’t buy it at all. All an act. All about regaining control because I didn’t react how he expected.
As I said to a friend last night, if he knows all he has to do is sweet talk me to win me back, I’m enabling him to treat me like that over and over again.

NewMan1982

Stop overthinking what he is saying. You have ended the relationship. Anything he says now is completely irrelevant.

End contact and tell him he needs to leave the house and you’ll get him his 20% somehow.

I’m not buying that he’s some sort of manipulative mastermind like everyone else is saying. He obviously just has issues that he needs to work on before getting into his next relationship.

You weren’t a compatible couple. Your weaknesses clashed.

After a couple of weeks maybe you’ll realise that you also contributed to this breakup before the zoom issue. Maybe you won’t and maybe you didn’t but be open minded about how things went bad and try work on any areas where you were at fault.

An example could be were you constantly dismissing his needs and issues to the point where he felt there was no point in raising them and instead acted out.

I’m not for one minute making excuses for him. What he did was madness and there can’t be anyway back from that. I just feel when relationships break down in this way there is most likely 3 versions of what happened.

But for now concentrate on getting him out of the house so you can start to move on with your life. End all contact as soon as possible too. It’s best for both of you.

The White Wolf

Usually I'd encourage people to stop contact via text but the more this guy talks the more he's digging his own grave.

What an utter and disturbed fool to be writing such manipulative texts.

Well done OP stay strong.

Tork

OP have your cancelled the wedding yet? I still have an uneasy feeling that you might take him back and keep going as you are. Even if you reconcile (which I hope you don't), that wedding date is far too soon to determine if he has changed his ways. I have a feeling a softer, more conciliatory message may come your way because those other ones aren't working. I wouldn't trust any promises about how he wants to change because they will be from the A-Z manipulation playbook. I also hope that you've got a therapy session booked for yourself.

MissShihTzu

Ignore, ignore, ignore! He's beyond pathetic. Have you had any advice from your solicitor yet?

tara73

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I don’t understand why he needs 2-3 weeks time.
To panic me into giving in? That I’m going to believe him and want to go back?

yes, it's about staying in control. You did the 'I need space thing' so he tries to beat you with your own weapon so to say ( that's how he sees it, you are just punishing him because he has this twisted views and can't/don't want to see he's the problem here) and he's hoping you will start miss him in this time and giving him time to send you sweet and reconciliatory texts to reel you back in.

osarusan

I disagree with some other posters and feel you need to send him a brief and unambiguous 'It's over' message sooner rather than later.

He has dangled stuff like 'it sounds like you have your mind made up' and 'if that's your final decision, I'll respect that'. He may interpret you not replying/confirming this as you still being unsure.

"Yes I'm ending the relationship. I'm sure that this is my final decision. What's left now is to work out how to go our separate ways as you said, and I'm in contact with a solicitor about how to sort things out.'

rainbowtrout

NewMan1982 wrote: »

I’m not buying that he’s some sort of manipulative mastermind like everyone else is saying. He obviously just has issues that he needs to work on before getting into his next relationship.

You weren’t a compatible couple. Your weaknesses clashed.

Read up on abusive relationships and you will see all of his behaviours listed. It's why people on here have been able to predict each move he makes before he makes it. He's textbook.

It's a lot more than 'he just has issues'.

He will do the same to the next woman. Only he knows if he lets go of this relationship (not that he has a choice), he will have to start again being nice to a woman for a few months to reel her in and have her believe he's the real deal, and then he will start with things that are small and niggly before his behaviour escalates.

tara73

osarusan wrote: »

I disagree with some other posters and feel you need to send him a brief and unambiguous 'It's over' message sooner rather than later.

Normally, I would recommend this too, but this guy is not 'normal', in the sense that he needs one more wake up call to get it. No, I think he got it very perfectly that the OP is serious.

Now it's just about his power fading and he's doing anything to gain his power back and manipulate her into staying. So any text or sign from her he will use to manipulate.
That's why I'm in the league recommending stopping any text at all and let any communication be done by the solicitor.

NewMan1982

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Read up on abusive relationships and you will see all of his behaviours listed. It's why people on here have been able to predict each move he makes before he makes it. He's textbook.

It's a lot more than 'he just has issues'.

He will do the same to the next woman. Only he knows if he lets go of this relationship (not that he has a choice), he will have to start again being nice to a woman for a few months to reel her in and have her believe he's the real deal, and then he will start with things that are small and niggly before his behaviour escalates.

We are only hearing one side to the story. That needs to be taken into account too.

His behaviour is not normal and she is right to dump him.

osarusan

tara73 wrote: »

Normally, I would recommend this too, but this guy is not 'normal', in the sense that he needs one more wake up call to get it. No, I think he got it very perfectly that the OP is serious.

Now it's just about his power fading and he's doing anything to gain his power back and manipulate her into staying. So any text or sign from her he will use to manipulate.
That's why I'm in the league recommending stopping any text at all and let any communication be done by the solicitor.

I'm leaning towards the idea that silence/a lack of reply will be manipulated also, but fair enough.

The introduction of a solicitor is needed alright.

tara73

osarusan wrote: »

I'm leaning towards the idea that silence/a lack of reply will be manipulated also, but fair enough.

True, he will most definetely try to go on play his games without reactions from her but with ignoring him she kind of pulls the plug to his power. He's just trying and struggling then and as somebody mentioned digging his hole deeper and deeper while she's just watching.

Tork

The main thing here, OP, is that you've got to get the ball rolling on this. Not just with talking to your solicitor but by cancelling the wedding, getting yourself some counselling and working on getting him out of your house. He is not going to budge without a fight - I hope you realise that. He is going to play the long game and wear you down. Also, while there is ambiguity about whether the relationship is over, he won't be going. As far as he's concerned, you haven't broken up so why should he leave his home? The longer this drags out, the worse it will get.