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Child Item

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

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NewMan1982

In a couple of months time you will be looking back in amazement with what you were willing to put up with. There will be wobbles on the way though.

Tork

I agree with the advice to have your solicitor either vet the letter you've written or write one themselves. Who knows what he's thinking now or who has been giving him advice in the meantime. It won't hurt to have your ducks lined up in a row from this point forward. Sorry if I'm stating the obvious here and that this was your plan all along

Anongirl306

I left the letter. Reiterated some of the points from the last week, said I have tried really hard to make the relationship work but it’s not working any more and I have to do what’s best for my own happiness and wellbeing. Didn’t mention house yet.
As it turns out, he didn’t stay in his friends after all and came home last night. Got another message...

Hi thanks for your letter. Most of it covered territory we've already discussed. Refusing to accept how i processed your olive branch text is your issue. Are you calling an end to this relationship or do you need more time? I need space snd time at the moment

I feel really really sad today. Sad that after five years it’s come to this and this is how it’s ending.

[Deleted User]

Hey anongirl.. look, I don't want to be saying anything about him really, but that text does seem, like, bad.. like you're better off away from him..even after everything he's still putting it on you.. sadness is to be expected really.. these things are always sad..and the fact that ye've the house and were due to be married just makes it worse..

Hope you're ok anyway.. mind yourself..

Big Bag of Chips

It's not all that unusual how he's reacting to be honest. He was a dick. He knows this. But at the same time his pride won't let him admit that and apologise. It's not something he's used to doing. He's still thinking you don't really mean that it's over. 5 years is a long time and you've never reacted like this to his tantrums before so he thinks it's just another occasion where you (both) sit it out for a while and then move on.

You need to be clear with him. If you do want to end it then you don't mention the word "space" any more. Ending it means it's over. "Space" means you will continue with the relationship in a few days once you've both gotten over this.

It's so hard to be definite because you're all over the place. I'm sure there's still a huge part of you that just wants this to be "fixed". For him to apologise for behaving like a spoiled teenager and promise to make a proper effort at a grown up relationship and agree to you both going to counselling to improve your communication. But that's not going to happen, because that will involve work. It will involve effort, and it will involve compromise. He is not interested in any of that at the moment. He'd rather the easier path of ignoring everything and just carrying on like you always have done.

And that worked, up to now.

You've blindsided him by putting a stop to it. But he doesn't really believe it's actually over. He thinks you just need "space" to get over your mood and then things will go back to normal. Which is understandable from his point of view. Because he hasn't actually spoken to you about this really, he doesn't know how you are really feeling at the moment.

You'll be ok. But you need to be definite, both with yourself and him.

osarusan

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Are you calling an end to this relationship or do you need more time?

Be brief and absolutely direct.

"Yes, I am calling an end to this relationship. I don't need more time to think about it. "

Maybe add something in a later message about how you are going to a solicitor to talk about the issue of house ownership.

The knowledge that you are taking that step might help it sink in.

Caranica

Don't tell him about the solicitor until afterwards. It sounds like he could do something petty like change the locks while you're out.

Good luck, stay strong and mind yourself OP.

MissShihTzu

If yer man is stupid enough to change the locks or otherwise interfere with your property, OP? Call the Gards. As long as your name is on the deeds, he can do NOTHING.

tara73

Caranica wrote: »

Don't tell him about the solicitor until afterwards. It sounds like he could do something petty like change the locks while you're out.

Good luck, stay strong and mind yourself OP.

I was thinking something like that also when OP became clear she want to split up and might be staying with family/friends for a while. But the property is 80% in her ownership so calling the guards would be the way to go if he really change the locks. A then 'break in' is very much in her right as she, as said, owns the house too (more than him). She's on the safe side here I would say.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

As it turns out, he didn’t stay in his friends after all and came home last night. Got another message...

Hi thanks for your letter. Most of it covered territory we've already discussed. Refusing to accept how i processed your olive branch text is your issue. Are you calling an end to this relationship or do you need more time? I need space snd time at the moment

What a dick. Maybe keep the response short and sweet and reply back with something like ‘I am calling an end to the relationship as I have already stated twice this week’

And leave the rest to your solicitor. It will become crystal clear when he gets a letter from them this week.

And you called it right yesterday when you said he was only staying at a friends house to try and get you to react and get him to come home. It didn’t work so he came home anyway, possibly wondering why you didn’t come running.

His response still puts the blame on you, but he’s also panicking as you haven’t responded to any of his moves in how he expected. Now he’s looking for space and time in a last ditch effort to reel you back in.

Good luck at the solicitors today.

Tork

There is still no apology forthcoming, or any recognition of the part he played in this. Instead, it has been reduced down to "I misinterpreted your olive branch text and now you're holding it against me". It's about as disingenous as it gets. It's easier to hang this argument on something that's supposedly your fault than to admit to his part in it. Nothing in this man's behaviour to date suggests he's willing to change or that you're destined to have a long happy marriage with him. Good luck at the solicitor's today and I hope you talk to a counsellor soon too.

Anongirl306

I’ve emailed the solicitor today to ask advice about where my position is with the house.
Really really struggling with my emotions today I keep having to go to the bathroom in work to have a cry

Big Bag of Chips

Can you take a few days off? This is a huge emotional upheaval for you. Your GP would probably sign you off for a few days. You are going through an emotionally stressful time.

NewMan1982

That’s perfectly normal after a break up. Just don’t go back to him when you are at the low points.

Keep busy. I find that helps with breakups. Sitting around with nothing to do will only lead to rumination and naturally it will only be the good things or a fear of if you’ve made a mistake on your mind.

He sat in the spare room for a week. That’s mental behaviour.

HildaOgdenx

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Can you take a few days off? This is a huge emotional upheaval for you. Your GP would probably sign you off for a few days. You are going through an emotionally stressful time.

I agree with this, OP. I know you mentioned in your OP that you work in health care and that you need to have your mind on your job.
This is going to be difficult for you, right now.

Please keep talking to the people in your life, who know about your situation too.

Tork

Taking a few days off might help but not if they're spent sitting in the house alone with him.

Realt Dearg Sec

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I’ve emailed the solicitor today to ask advice about where my position is with the house.
Really really struggling with my emotions today I keep having to go to the bathroom in work to have a cry

That's tough going, stay strong though you're doing the right thing. That last text definitely should reassure you you're on the right track. Obviously gaslighting you by trying to make it all about the supposedly misinterpreted text, and that is "your issue" as if a week of locking himself away and blanking you never happened. These are classic tactics, you start to doubt whether what happened really happened at all, and start blaming yourself. He's compulsively laying the blame at your door and making you feel like you're unreasonable or irrational etc. Gaslighting 101. Keep going, that stuff is a serious red flag that tells you exactly what kind of marriage you could expect to have.

bitofabind

That's a chilling text. "Territory we've already discussed" - so you bringing up his unreasonable behaviour and him telling you it didn't happen that way and not guaranteeing it won't happen again means the issue is resolved, does it?

This man sounds like a control freak who's pulling every trick in the book because his controlling tactics are no longer panning out for him. "I need time and space" is his attempt to get back into a position of power over you here, as if he's controlling what happens next. YOU are the one calling the shots now and he can't handle it.

Do you have someone to talk to about this every day OP to keep perspective on the situation? My mum was a godsend during my breakup. I usually was very private about my relationship but the level of dysfunction was something I needed to be reminded of every day because it was so hard to disentangle from him, the fear and the despair really does a number on you in these situations.

Tork

Chilling text is a great description of it. There's no warmth or human emotion in that text either. Nor or in the previous one. It's the exact opposite - the tone is very cold. I'm not getting any feeling that this is a man thinking "Oh ****, I've screwed things up royally with the woman I love. I've hurt her and I want her back". I've had friendlier exchanges on web chats with customer service reps.

bitofabind

I was going to say that actually. I sent out an uncomfortable email to a corporate client today outlining their non-compliance on a partnership term and my tone was the same as this guy's text to his supposed future wife on a personal issue that has caused her great distress.

That's not the tone you take when you've upset someone you love, regardless of "who's to blame" or what the ins and outs of the situation are. That's an intentionally cold text designed to manipulate and control.

Anongirl306

Bit of a bind - I do, my poor family and friends have been tortured with my daily calls and messages but they’ve been so amazing.
When we had the conversation on Friday, when I said I still needed time and I wasn’t over it, he actually said at one point that he didn’t feel anything when I said I wanted to split up, he is able to block out emotions. I think he lacks empathy

Realt Dearg Sec

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Bit of a bind - I do, my poor family and friends have been tortured with my daily calls and messages but they’ve been so amazing.
When we had the conversation on Friday, when I said I still needed time and I wasn’t over it, he actually said at one point that he didn’t feel anything when I said I wanted to split up, he is able to block out emotions. I think he lacks empathy

Jaysus, he said that?! End of conversation so. Doesn't feel anything when you say you want to split up? I'd let you solicitor do the talking from now on so. That zoom quiz was the best thing to ever happen to you.

strandroad

bitofabind wrote: »

I was going to say that actually. I sent out an uncomfortable email to a corporate client today outlining their non-compliance on a partnership term and my tone was the same as this guy's text to his supposed future wife on a personal issue that has caused her great distress.

I logged on to say the same thing. That's the tone I would take if I needed to be politely unpleasant at work.

[Deleted User]

Thought there was a pair of ye in it at first, but maybe not, that guy is no loss anyway, playing some sort of weird game now. You are lucky that Zoom quiz happened, in a year or two you’ll realise how fortunate given that ye were going to get married.

Anongirl306

I replied
I want to end to this relationship. It’s clear that you have not recognized the part you played in this, nor are you willing to work on how you deal with your anger. This is a horrible decision and I’m incredibly sad that it has come to this but it’s the right one for me.

Response
The above doesn't make sense to me. We've discussed in detail the parts we have both played in relationship issues. Who says i am unwilling to deal with my anger? Sounds to me like you are not willing to work through our issues. Yes it is a very, very sad decision but it sounds to me like you have your mind made up.

[Deleted User]

Translation: it's all your fault.

You are going to have a much better life without him, OP. Take care of yourself and if you ever doubt you made the right decision, remember that text.

FunLover18

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I replied
I want to end to this relationship. It’s clear that you have not recognized the part you played in this, nor are you willing to work on how you deal with your anger. This is a horrible decision and I’m incredibly sad that it has come to this but it’s the right one for me.

Response
The above doesn't make sense to me. We've discussed in detail the parts we have both played in relationship issues. Who says i am unwilling to deal with my anger? Sounds to me like you are not willing to work through our issues. Yes it is a very, very sad decision but it sounds to me like you have your mind made up.

Been following this thread for a while and I have to agree with the vast majority of advice you've received so far. In terms of this latest exchange, I would advise not to reply. It sounds to me like he's trying to bait you into a confrontation, don't take it, don't even reply.

Idle Passerby

He's still trying to bully you into submission. What an arsehole, good riddance to him.

1hnr79jr65

Op, you are making all the right decisions as hard as they are to make. This guy is very narcissistic, controlling and he is obviously not happy that he no longer has any power over you. Don't pay any heed to his nonsense of trying to pawn blame off onto you, you are doing very well, a lot of other people would struggle to find the courage to do what you are achieving right now.

That is not a poor reflection on them as they obviously need a bit more help, but more a testament to how strong willed and determined you are to see the correct path ahead of you and take it. Keep following that path you are on, you are doing well.

Tork

At least he is being consistent. You're the problem and you caused all of this. (If you get back in your box and take all of these uppity notions back, we can pick up where we left off). I think you should make screen captures of all those recent texts he sent you and back them up to the cloud somewhere. That way, they'll always be there for you, even if something happens to your phone or you delete the texts. It's important that you don't forget who and what you're dealing with here. I agree with the person who advised you not to get into a text exchange with him. He isn't above mind games and he'd love nothing more than to provoke you. I hope you can get him out of your house soon so that you can have some peace and quiet there. It must be hell at the moment.