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Boyfriend displaying red flags

LegacyUser

Hello everyone, I would love to get your opinion on this.

I am in a new relationship (very early days), both of us are 30. The guy is truly amazing, side splitting funny, so handsome, very generous/thoughtful in bed, very interesting and just very much an independent individual. We got on very well and I feel very comfortable with him.

However, there are two big red flags. The first being, his job is a freelance/creative field so he goes through long periods of working but not for money. He would have very little money and I could never imagine him being approved for a mortgage. He has absolutely no job stability. I have quite a stable job, good pay, health insurance etc. I am not materialistic, I don't want fancy holidays or gifts, but what if we ever want to buy a home or start a family? I feel al the responsibility would fall on him to be the more structured person with a solid income.

Second red flag, he lives in a disgusting house. He lives with other men in a house that reminds me of college years, where 19 year olds would live. It's completely disgusting, the bathroom smells like a public bathroom. His room is tidy but the house is a mess and so dirty. It makes me find him way less attractive, even though his room is tidy and his housemates are lovely, it just is gross to see a stained toilet, hair everywhere...( you get the picture!)

Are these two things too big? He really has so many other positive characteristics but if we ever moved in together, I would hate to take on that Mammy role of pressuring someone to clean or being the one with the solid job.

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Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Thread closed as per OPs request.

Thank you to all who took the time to help and advise.

HS

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone

MODS please close the thread now.

lozenges

Dial Hard wrote: »

OP, you're perfectly entitled to want some standards in a partner and I certainly don't think being clean and financially independent are particularly onerous ones! In fact, I'd consider them fundamentals of being a functioning adult.

I think people are being particularly dismissive of the job thing. I don't need a partner to be a high flying career executive by any stretch of the imagination but if they didn't have the money to be able to do things like go out for dinner, go on holidays etc. then that would be an issue for me, I have to say. No doubt that will be dismissed as shallow and materialistic by some, but it's how I feel. I don't need or expect any man to pay for me, but he needs to be able to pay for himself.

ETA: I think it's the phrase 'red flags' that's getting the backs of some posters up. I think they're more compatibility issues then red flags, but perfectly valid ones for all that. I have absolutely zero interest in clothes or shoes or "stuff" but I absolutely love eating out and going on nice holidays. A guy might have zero interest in that and be perfectly happy earning enough money to pay rent in a (grotty!) houseshare and buy a few cans every weekend. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, it just means we're incompatible.

I agree with this. There's nothing wrong with the way he's living his life, and there's nothing wrong with you having a clear idea of what's important to you in a relationship.

I also very much dislike the 'mammying' thing. You can compromise on it though. Eg my partner does all the cooking, I do the cleaning. I remind him about doctors appointments, etc, but I explicitly say to him that I'm not going to do it for him. Sometimes that means it doesn't get done, but I'm much happier with that than taking on the 'mammy' role.

It is a case of potential incompatibility though rather than a 'red flag'. I would consider red flags to refer to behaviour that is definitely negative e.g. maliciousness, suspicion of cheating, controlling. This is just a case of (potentially) different attitudes to what's important in life.

KiKi III

OP, when you say early days, do you mean three dates in or six months?

[Deleted User]

OP, you sound like you have a good sense of what you need from a relationship and definitely worth keeping an eye on those issues over the next few months - you'll likely get a better sense of whether the issues will improve or not.

For people saying OP is thinking too far ahead - better that than to invest a year or two and then have a painful break up over these issues later.

pwurple

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I see this all the time.

I work with some beautiful women. Beautiful unmarried women in their late 30's. They're all waiting for that special guy. The issue, as I see it, is that they want Mr Perfect. Instead of settling for Mr Right.

I see this all the time too... handsome interesting funny fella, can't seem to keep any relationship going.

One glance at his manky living habits and they hang around another small while to see if it was an off day, and then off they pop to look for a grown-up man, instead of someone still waiting for his mammy to clean his loo.

OP, do this fellow a favour, and mention it subtly. A lot of this is about attitude.

LegacyUser

OP this sounds like the dynamic my parents have. My Dad would not be great for hygiene, doesn't "see" dirt and tends to revolt my Mum by various things he does or doesn't do. She finds this very hard to deal with and it has only gotten worse as they both get older. She has gotten less tolerant and less able to clean up after him. He has given up making any effort.

You have the final say on what your red flags are and he is displaying them. Don't expect him to change because he either can not or will not. Either change your red flags or change your company asap.

Dial Hard

OP, you're perfectly entitled to want some standards in a partner and I certainly don't think being clean and financially independent are particularly onerous ones! In fact, I'd consider them fundamentals of being a functioning adult.

I think people are being particularly dismissive of the job thing. I don't need a partner to be a high flying career executive by any stretch of the imagination but if they didn't have the money to be able to do things like go out for dinner, go on holidays etc. then that would be an issue for me, I have to say. No doubt that will be dismissed as shallow and materialistic by some, but it's how I feel. I don't need or expect any man to pay for me, but he needs to be able to pay for himself.

ETA: I think it's the phrase 'red flags' that's getting the backs of some posters up. I think they're more compatibility issues then red flags, but perfectly valid ones for all that. I have absolutely zero interest in clothes or shoes or "stuff" but I absolutely love eating out and going on nice holidays. A guy might have zero interest in that and be perfectly happy earning enough money to pay rent in a (grotty!) houseshare and buy a few cans every weekend. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, it just means we're incompatible.

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

Thank you everyone for your replies, I appreciate strangers taking time out of their lives to give me their opinion.

I am also very surprised about the amount of 'you're lucky to have him". He is really great and special but I think that I was fair enough in having trepidations about a future with someone that I could potentially have to carry financially or clean up after. I am also funny etc but I also clean up after myself! I have never dated someone so filthy in that sense, it is a turn off! It isn't a high expectation to expect someone to clean up their bathroom or kitchen before you call over. It isn't like it is just messy, it is dirty.

I do agree that I am definitely thinking way too far ahead. However, in past relationships I have ignored little niggling doubts like this and it very much blew up in my face later down the line.

Thank you all, I will definitely calm down a bit, enjoy the time together and raise these doubts when things become more serious. I just don't want to become a Mammy figure, I see that relationship dynamic a lot in Ireland and I despise it.

TheW1zard

Youre not a romantic thats for sure

notsoyoungwan

Mongfinder General wrote: »

Good for you. You'd rather be alone than compromise your principles. And that's a good point about being the sole bread winner. There's always the chance that the guy could ask for a divorce and screw her for maintenance if he is the home maker raising a child.
More and more people are less willing to take the risk and compromise the standards that they've set for others. Good luck to them. I'd love to have that kind of resolve. Being able to watch friends settle down. Attend weddings alone. House warmings and Baby showers too. Births and baptisms. Birthday parties. Looking at photos and videos on Facebook of friends' kids growing up. Not being part of the parents' WhatsApp groups at school. Saturday morning sports. And slowly losing contact as each of your once single friends gradually lose interest in you as their family life takes over.

Perhaps have a read of this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Strike-Boycotting-Marriage-Fatherhood/dp/1594037620

I actually envy your strength of character in that you'd prefer single life in a one bedroom flat to risking it on some bum who won't domesticate.

You do realise that being single doesn’t mean being sad and lonely and being married doesn’t equal being happy and content, don’t you?

Op, fwiw I’d find it hard to be attracted to a man who used the same manky, smelly, damp towel to dry himself after a shower for weeks on end. It’s gross. Irrespective of how gorgeous he is.

Airyfairy12

Id agree with other posters, these aren't red flags they are personal life choices and current circumstances that aren't inline with your own or what you want in a partner.

I think youre over thinking it and thinking way to far ahead, as you mentioned its early days and you get on great, why ruin a good thing? Who knows what the future holds for either of you? Circumstances change all the time.

SusieBlue

Mongfinder General wrote: »

Good for you. You'd rather be alone than compromise your principles. And that's a good point about being the sole bread winner. There's always the chance that the guy could ask for a divorce and screw her for maintenance if he is the home maker raising a child.
More and more people are less willing to take the risk and compromise the standards that they've set for others. Good luck to them. I'd love to have that kind of resolve. Being able to watch friends settle down. Attend weddings alone. House warmings and Baby showers too. Births and baptisms. Birthday parties. Looking at photos and videos on Facebook of friends' kids growing up. Not being part of the parents' WhatsApp groups at school. Saturday morning sports. And slowly losing contact as each of your once single friends gradually lose interest in you as their family life takes over.

Perhaps have a read of this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Strike-Boycotting-Marriage-Fatherhood/dp/1594037620

I actually envy your strength of character in that you'd prefer single life in a one bedroom flat to risking it on some bum who won't domesticate.

That reply is a thinly veiled passive aggressive dig if I ever saw one. I’m sure you really do envy her ‘strength of character’ as you nastily list off all the life milestones you perceive that she’ll miss.

I don’t disagree either. I don’t think having a partner who knows how to clean and has aspirations to possibly own a home one day is asking for too much.
The fact that this is even being perceived as being picky or demanding is mind blowing.

cj maxx

Shelga wrote: »

She says herself, it's very early days. I think she's shrewd to be acknowledging what is likely to bother her down the road. I'm trying to get a house at the moment on my own, and it's incredibly difficult. Being in a relationship and still having to go through all the financial stuff alone? Not hot!

It's meant to be a partnership, not her struggling alone financially through life. Don't make her out to be overly picky by wisely sensing that this will bother her massively, if his work ethic or priorities don't change. And note that she also wisely says that she's not trying to change him!

OP, I would continue having fun with the guy, but don't ignore your gut feeling on what are majorly important things to be on the same page on in a serious adult relationship.

I don't get that. As you say its very days and have fun etc. I totally agree.
Though the op asked advice about this guy but she's already planning their future, house mortgage etc. Have fun and wait till houses, mortgages, marriage et al become an issue. You really are putting the horse way way before the cart op imo

Mongfinder General

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I can't stand this rhetoric, that women who expect men in their thirties to be financially stable and know how to clean are being overly demanding, and should just settle before it's too late. Why is the onus not on men like this to grow up and cop on?

Fair enough if the fella wants to do a creative job and isn't focused on money, to an extent, but having a manky towel festering for weeks is just disgusting! Never mopping the floor is disgusting. OP is also right to be concerned about ending up as the sole breadwinner. Maybe she doesn't want to work hard for years, have a taxing pregnancy and then have to go back to work ASAP because her partner doesn't earn enough to do otherwise.

Maybe these beautiful women you describe don't want Mr Perfect, maybe they just want a decent, kind man who is also capable of being an adult and doing things like laundry and mopping and paying the bills and if they can't have that very reasonable expectation met, they'd prefer to just be single? I'd much rather be alone in a nice clean one-bedroom flat than nagging a 35-year-old man about washing towels or worrying about paying the mortgage on my own.

Good for you. You'd rather be alone than compromise your principles. And that's a good point about being the sole bread winner. There's always the chance that the guy could ask for a divorce and screw her for maintenance if he is the home maker raising a child.
More and more people are less willing to take the risk and compromise the standards that they've set for others. Good luck to them. I'd love to have that kind of resolve. Being able to watch friends settle down. Attend weddings alone. House warmings and Baby showers too. Births and baptisms. Birthday parties. Looking at photos and videos on Facebook of friends' kids growing up. Not being part of the parents' WhatsApp groups at school. Saturday morning sports. And slowly losing contact as each of your once single friends gradually lose interest in you as their family life takes over.

Perhaps have a read of this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Strike-Boycotting-Marriage-Fatherhood/dp/1594037620

I actually envy your strength of character in that you'd prefer single life in a one bedroom flat to risking it on some bum who won't domesticate.

MrsBean

J Mysterio wrote: »

What concerns me about the OP is that it's not clear the poster has addressed these rather straightforward issues with her other half, and has clearly been dwelling on them for some time. These are simple things that can and should be discussed.

Feels as though the OP is ready to cast aside her partner for something he may not even know is an issue, and for me, that shows a lack of respect for him and their relationship.

She has stated it’s very early days. So she has not been festering on this for some time. Given the infancy of their relationship it is unreasonable to state she is showing a lack of respect for him by having doubts. She came here looking for advice not a critical commentary.

Cutie 3.14

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I can't stand this rhetoric, that women who expect men in their thirties to be financially stable and know how to clean are being overly demanding, and should just settle before it's too late. Why is the onus not on men like this to grow up and cop on?

Fair enough if the fella wants to do a creative job and isn't focused on money, to an extent, but having a manky towel festering for weeks is just disgusting! Never mopping the floor is disgusting. OP is also right to be concerned about ending up as the sole breadwinner. Maybe she doesn't want to work hard for years, have a taxing pregnancy and then have to go back to work ASAP because her partner doesn't earn enough to do otherwise.

Maybe these beautiful women you describe don't want Mr Perfect, maybe they just want a decent, kind man who is also capable of being an adult and doing things like laundry and mopping and paying the bills and if they can't have that very reasonable expectation met, they'd prefer to just be single? I'd much rather be alone in a nice clean one-bedroom flat than nagging a 35-year-old man about washing towels or worrying about paying the mortgage on my own.

This!

There is a thread in The Ladies' Lounge about this very thing!

I dont think its unreasonable for the OP to be questioning whether or not she will have to carry the burden that is the mental load down the line.

Its early days OP, give him a chance and suss him out, but go and have a read of that thread too.

lainey_d_123

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I see this all the time.

I work with some beautiful women. Beautiful unmarried women in their late 30's. They're all waiting for that special guy. The issue, as I see it, is that they want Mr Perfect. Instead of settling for Mr Right.

OP, you can't have everything. You live in a country that taxes couples at 50% above €70 odd grand (joint assessment). Working free lance or from home could save a fortune on child care. This guy ticks most of the boxes. Don't balls it up.

I can't stand this rhetoric, that women who expect men in their thirties to be financially stable and know how to clean are being overly demanding, and should just settle before it's too late. Why is the onus not on men like this to grow up and cop on?

Fair enough if the fella wants to do a creative job and isn't focused on money, to an extent, but having a manky towel festering for weeks is just disgusting! Never mopping the floor is disgusting. OP is also right to be concerned about ending up as the sole breadwinner. Maybe she doesn't want to work hard for years, have a taxing pregnancy and then have to go back to work ASAP because her partner doesn't earn enough to do otherwise.

Maybe these beautiful women you describe don't want Mr Perfect, maybe they just want a decent, kind man who is also capable of being an adult and doing things like laundry and mopping and paying the bills and if they can't have that very reasonable expectation met, they'd prefer to just be single? I'd much rather be alone in a nice clean one-bedroom flat than nagging a 35-year-old man about washing towels or worrying about paying the mortgage on my own.

J Mysterio

hurleronditch wrote: »

I lived with friends until I was 30, and though my now wife improved my attitude towards cleaning bathrooms and changing towels and bedclothes, when I was living with the lads I could be as messy as the next fella. Now I probably almost do more of the cleaning in our house, certainly the kitchen as I cook more but I now see things that needed to be cleaned, whereas before I just saw things that were grand as they were

What I think is pertinent about this post is that people do change, and also that they can be willing to change for the sake of a relationship.

What concerns me about the OP is that it's not clear the poster has addressed these rather straightforward issues with her other half, and has clearly been dwelling on them for some time. These are simple things that can and should be discussed.

Feels as though the OP is ready to cast aside her partner for something he may not even know is an issue, and for me, that shows a lack of respect for him and their relationship.

hurleronditch

I lived with friends until I was 30, and though my now wife improved my attitude towards cleaning bathrooms and changing towels and bedclothes, when I was living with the lads I could be as messy as the next fella. Now I probably almost do more of the cleaning in our house, certainly the kitchen as I cook more but I now see things that needed to be cleaned, whereas before I just saw things that were grand as they were.

The other issue I have no experience of as I’ve always been career focused, but you need to trust your gut, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who has similar life’s aspirations as you. But maybe that is the intention of your boyfriend, he’s just enjoying where he is but had always intended to find something more stable in the longer term. Most lads are aware they can’t drink cans and play XBox until 4am with the lads when they please, as much as they’d love it last forever.

MrsBean

I think your concerns are valid if not a bit premature. Chances are these things will resolve themselves for you as your relationship progresses. If it’s still early days then maybe try and give it a bit more time to get to know each other. Sometimes people who seem amazing at the start are actually charming jerks. Sometimes people whose circumstances are not appealing to you are already on the path to change.

You never know, some aspects of his personality might be revealed that turn you off completely or maybe he’ll say “I hate living in this manky gaff, maybe I should look for a more steady income” one day.

If it’s mostly good then you should just focus on that for now and enjoy that buzz. You’ll know if these things are really problems for you as you get to know him better.

Shelga

Bobtheman wrote: »

He is unlikely to be want to be house sharing in 5 years. Ask him if he'd ever like to own a house.
I think you are jumping ahead at this stage. Be careful. You don't want to scare him off.

:rolleyes: There's nothing to be scared of. Depending on how early days it is, I don't think it's too soon to start asking questions like does he see himself owning a house. For me, I'd be thinking about those kinds of questions from about 3 months after saying we're official. The tidiness thing would bother me much less tbh, although still something to be aware of.

Maybe he's having his own doubts about these kinds of things too, who knows.

There's a strong stench of "you should feel lucky you bagged a man, keep quiet, you don't want to get to late 30s and be single (god forbid!!!)" off this thread.

Bobtheman

He is unlikely to be want to be house sharing in 5 years. Ask him if he'd ever like to own a house.
I think you are jumping ahead at this stage. Be careful. You don't want to scare him off.

Tork

I wouldn't necessarily see these as red flags but as things to keep an eye on. It is a good sign that his own room isn't a pigsty and there could be any number of explanations for why the rest of the house isn't so clean. Sometimes people move cleanliness and tidiness in a rented house down their list of priorities, favouring nice housemates, location or rent over having a sparkling clean bathroom. Maybe you might tease his thoughts on it out sometime and make your own decision on it. If he's generally not a slob, maybe you're getting wound up over nothing.

As for his job, is it the sort of thing that has the potential to make more money in the future? Where does he see things going? Again, I don't think this is necessarily a reason to shoot the guy down unless it points to other concerns you have. If he's a full-time poet who lives on a diet of pot noodles and refuses to get a "proper job", that'd be off-putting. If his freelance work is a reasonably steady if irregular source of income, it might not be so bad.

It is such early days, I think you're putting the cart before the horse. As time goes on you'll find out more about how compatible you are. For now, enjoy the relationship and getting to know him better.

Shelga

cj maxx wrote: »

He's handsome, kind , a good lover and side spilttingly funny ( her words) and the fact that he is free lancing in his career and not chasing a steady well paid job is a red flag?
Also his housemates are messy while he is not is a 'red flag'
They're not red flags, maybe something you can't comprehend, but not red flags

She says herself, it's very early days. I think she's shrewd to be acknowledging what is likely to bother her down the road. I'm trying to get a house at the moment on my own, and it's incredibly difficult. Being in a relationship and still having to go through all the financial stuff alone? Not hot!

It's meant to be a partnership, not her struggling alone financially through life. Don't make her out to be overly picky by wisely sensing that this will bother her massively, if his work ethic or priorities don't change. And note that she also wisely says that she's not trying to change him!

OP, I would continue having fun with the guy, but don't ignore your gut feeling on what are majorly important things to be on the same page on in a serious adult relationship.

cj maxx

He's handsome, kind , a good lover and side spilttingly funny ( her words) and the fact that he is free lancing in his career and not chasing a steady well paid job is a red flag?
Also his housemates are messy while he is not is a 'red flag'
They're not red flags, maybe something you can't comprehend, but not red flags

Shelga

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I see this all the time.

I work with some beautiful women. Beautiful unmarried women in their late 30's. They're all waiting for that special guy. The issue, as I see it, is that they want Mr Perfect. Instead of settling for Mr Right.

OP, you can't have everything. You live in a country that taxes couples at 50% above €70 odd grand (joint assessment). Working free lance or from home could save a fortune on child care. This guy ticks most of the boxes. Don't balls it up.

Some women would prefer to be alone, rather than settle for a man whose habits drive them crazy. Maybe the OP is one of those women. It's not 1957 anymore, you don't have to get married at all costs, you know.

KiKi III

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

My recommendation to every couple who think about living together is, if you can at all afford it, get a cleaner. If you're working hard all week the last thing you need is to have to clean on your free time. Worse again is having domestic chores cause tension in a relationship.

You need to sit down and talk about the future and see if it is a future that you want.

I do think it is a bit old fashioned of you to expect him to be the breadwinner. Could you respect someone who you earn more than? My gut is that this may be an issue for you.

That was a typo by the OP. She’s concerned that she will have to be the sole breadwinner.

Pawwed Rig

My recommendation to every couple who think about living together is, if you can at all afford it, get a cleaner. If you're working hard all week the last thing you need is to have to clean on your free time. Worse again is having domestic chores cause tension in a relationship.

You need to sit down and talk about the future and see if it is a future that you want.

I do think it is a bit old fashioned of you to expect him to be the breadwinner. Could you respect someone who you earn more than? My gut is that this may be an issue for you.

openup

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP here. Like, at the end of the day when you're looking for someone to set up a home with someone you're going to have to clean up aftern and pay for is hardly ideal even if he's good company.

We don't neccesarily have all the info but these things are not neccesarily small issues. No, the guy isn't responsible for cleaning up after his housemates but it would definitely give me pause if the place was a tip. My housemates are slobs but I'm not going to live in squalor so I do my bit and it would worry me if a guy hadn't. Of course we all have our blindspots aand I'm not exactly houseproud but if it's dirty enough you'd consider breaking up with him then it must be bad. Yeah his room is clean, but of course it is! It's a bedroom, give it a hoover and open the windows and it's good as new. It's kitchens are bathrooms that get disgusting.

His career wouldn't worry me, depending on what sort of a spender he is. My housemate is in an unstable industry but he's financially responsible. While he's never going to be a millionare he knows how to budget well and get through the "lean times". Is that the same as this guy? Or is he the time that gets his first pay in 3 months and blows it all on stuff he doesn't need? There's a huge difference there.

At the end of the day I also have to wonder...if he was a great as you say he is then this stuff probably wouldn't bother you. This isn't to say you should definitely break up but I've realised lately that "he's a great guy but XYZ" is often just a nicer way of telling yourself "i'll like him when he changes"